How to be just friends with a guy who wants to date you?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 08, 2011 4:42 PM GMT
    There is this guy I met recently and he is pretty fun to hang out with and has tons of gay friends. As for me, I have tons of friends but they are all straight or lesbians. It would be nice to have some gay frineds around here to go to bars with when I don't feel like dragging my lezzy friends along.

    Anyways, this guy likes me and and I don't have those feelings for him. I hate being blunt about it, so I have been dropping hints when he says he wants to get together or go out. I usually respond with "ok yeah let's get our friends together and go to (insert place here) tonight." I am trying to just get us locked in the friend zone. Is there an easy way to do this? I know being blunt is an option but I feel dumb doing that unless he clearly tells me he is interested, even though it is really obvious. Is it even possible or should I cut my losses?

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    Aug 08, 2011 4:45 PM GMT
    maybe you could mention at a passing how you don't see him as a partner type? gotta make it sound serious, direct yet not loaded haha. just pop it into some convenient situation that isn't heavy i guess?
  • DR2K

    Posts: 346

    Aug 08, 2011 4:49 PM GMT
    Ask to go on a double date or something.
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    Aug 08, 2011 4:55 PM GMT
    In this situation, if you are dropping hints and this guy isn't picking them up then by all means be blunt about just being friends and showing no interest in dating him.There is nothing wrong with that. Just be tactful about it. If you're gonna pussyfoot around and have this guy thinking one thing but you know something different then you'll end up being the bad guy for not keeping it simple and just saying "I'm just not interested in dating." Don't lead the guy on thinking he has a chance with you if you know you aren't interested in him.

    There's another post that sounds similar to this. Check it out. I responded to it in kind and although my answer there seems a bit different to the answer here they are relatively the same within reason.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 08, 2011 6:45 PM GMT
    Just talk to him about how you see things.
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    Aug 08, 2011 6:48 PM GMT
    I find this really hard for me whenever a meet a new gay person. They usually like me and want more than a friendship with me. When I make it expressly clear that I'm not interested they just want really nothing to do with me.

    I suppose it's a matter of our interests not agreeing. I have very, very few gay guy friends.
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    Aug 08, 2011 6:50 PM GMT
    you need to be blunt and spell it out. Otherwise you are unintentionally throwing mixed signals and confusing him, even if you don't know you are or mean to do it.

    If he has feelings for you and you just want to be friends, that's not a friendship becuase you have power over him knowing how he feels :/
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 08, 2011 6:57 PM GMT
    Friendships dont tend to work when one party has an emotional interest in the other...
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    Aug 08, 2011 6:58 PM GMT
    kaoi said

    If he has feelings for you and you just want to be friends, that's not a friendship becuase you have power over him knowing how he feels :/


    BAM, thats exactly how it happened with me.... it turned out not to be a friendship at all
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    Aug 08, 2011 7:01 PM GMT
    GreenHopper saidFriendships dont tend to work when one party has an emotional interest in the other...


    If quashed early enough it can work. I know to let people know that I dont have a romantic interest and it seemed to work...
  • Csrobbie2000

    Posts: 359

    Aug 08, 2011 7:08 PM GMT
    Just be honest with him. Tell him something along the line "Hey I don't want to sound like an ass by assuming that you're interested in me more than just friends. I really like you, and I'd like to continue this friendship, but I don't want you to get hurt if my feeling is not mutual"
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    Aug 08, 2011 7:18 PM GMT
    From experience even if u tell him he won't stop trying. Just keep hanging out with him, he will try a few tricks on u probably so just avoid them and eventually he'll get over it. U don't have to be all like DUDE IM NOT ATTRACTED TO U LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS, thats just unnecessary and really if you want to keep him as a friend it's not a good start to treat him like an idiot.
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    Aug 08, 2011 7:19 PM GMT
    charlitos saidFrom experience even if u tell him he won't stop trying. Just keep hanging out with him, he will try a few tricks on u probably so just avoid them and eventually he'll get over it. U don't have to be all like DUDE IM NOT ATTRACTED TO U LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS, thats just unnecessary and really if you want to keep him as a friend it's not a good start to treat him like an idiot.


    Wait wait wait back the fuck up ho.

    You have friends?
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    Aug 23, 2011 3:02 PM GMT
    I'd rip off the bandaid and just say "You're a great guy and I value your friendship, I need to be upfront though and say that I'm not interested in anything more with you."

    If the guy keeps trying to go there, then end the friendship...

    I say this as someone who had a female friend who wouldn't accept that I'm gay and wasn't romantically interested in her (I ended the friendship but there was much drama involved) and also as someone who liked a guy who kept me on his hook for a year knowing I liked him- wouldn't tell me whether he was interested in me or not- just kept sending mixed signals.... rip the bandaid off, anything else is (no matter how unintentionally) cruel.
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    Aug 24, 2011 3:34 AM GMT
    Soulasphyxi saidI find this really hard for me whenever a meet a new gay person. They usually like me and want more than a friendship with me. When I make it expressly clear that I'm not interested they just want really nothing to do with me.

    I suppose it's a matter of our interests not agreeing. I have very, very few gay guy friends.


    QFT

    its so annoying, ugh. i just want a gay bff. i already have my lesbian bff.
  • citypartyboy

    Posts: 187

    Aug 24, 2011 3:43 AM GMT
    I am very similar to you in that being mean doesn't come easy for me, unless it is warranted. You said you want to have more gay friends which he has plenty of. I would be friends with him, value his friendship, and add him to your gay friend list. He will probably introduce you to more of his gay friends as well. If he asked you to go out for food, etc. I would say go! I mean, friends go out to dinner and do things together all the time. I think if he tries to "put moves on" then you can say your not interested in him 'like that' and you will be justified in saying it as he would have finally expressed a physical interest. Until then, he might just be a really friendly person and might be valuing you as a friend as well.

    I dont know if that sounded right, its late here, but i tried icon_biggrin.gif
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Aug 24, 2011 3:44 AM GMT
    Be honest-tell him flat out you would never be attracted to him in a sexual way.icon_idea.gif
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    Aug 24, 2011 3:58 AM GMT
    I'm that guy, at least right now in my own life, so allow me to chime in from that perspective. I like the suggestions to just say something, because I'd rather know than sit in limbo (like I am now).

    However, consider phrasing it in a positive way vs. a negative one. What if, at some good beer-commercial kind of moment with him, you said something like "you know, not to get too mushy and all, but I want you to know how great it is to have someone in my life where there's NO sexual tension, a good platonic friend. Thanks for that."

    Now, you know and I know that the things he's thinking about doing with you are NOT platonic. icon_twisted.gif But that kind of statement gives him so much:
    1. He saves face. He does not have to have some ego-preserving fox-and-grapes response like "Yeah, well, don't worry, I wasn't into you either."
    2. He gets time to process it. The other way, it's BOOM and he has to deal right then. This way, he can just say "cool, man, thanks" and go home later and cry himself to sleep.
    3. He gets reinforcement that you DO want him in your life and that he's a positive addition to it. It might make him want to find a way to get over the attraction (if he truly cares about you and isn't just infatuated) because he knows that it makes you happy for him to be his friend.

    I hope that if I get "shot down" by my personal version of you, that he does something like I suggested, and nothing harsh like "Dude, you don't LIKE me like me, right??" icon_sad.gif
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Aug 24, 2011 4:03 AM GMT
    KSUOWL saidThere is this guy I met recently and he is pretty fun to hang out with and has tons of gay friends. As for me, I have tons of friends but they are all straight or lesbians. It would be nice to have some gay frineds around here to go to bars with when I don't feel like dragging my lezzy friends along.

    Anyways, this guy likes me and and I don't have those feelings for him. I hate being blunt about it, so I have been dropping hints when he says he wants to get together or go out. I usually respond with "ok yeah let's get our friends together and go to (insert place here) tonight." I am trying to just get us locked in the friend zone. Is there an easy way to do this? I know being blunt is an option but I feel dumb doing that unless he clearly tells me he is interested, even though it is really obvious. Is it even possible or should I cut my losses?



    As someone who has been on both sides of that equation - be honest with him. Tell him you'd really like to be just friends with him and enjoy hanging out with him, but the chemistry isn't there for a relationship. I guarantee you he will appreciate that a great deal - I know I would. If you want to be friends with him, why string him along like that?
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    Aug 24, 2011 11:39 AM GMT
    EliStark saidI'm that guy, at least right now in my own life, so allow me to chime in from that perspective. I like the suggestions to just say something, because I'd rather know than sit in limbo (like I am now).

    However, consider phrasing it in a positive way vs. a negative one. What if, at some good beer-commercial kind of moment with him, you said something like "you know, not to get too mushy and all, but I want you to know how great it is to have someone in my life where there's NO sexual tension, a good platonic friend. Thanks for that."

    Now, you know and I know that the things he's thinking about doing with you are NOT platonic. icon_twisted.gif But that kind of statement gives him so much:
    1. He saves face. He does not have to have some ego-preserving fox-and-grapes response like "Yeah, well, don't worry, I wasn't into you either."
    2. He gets time to process it. The other way, it's BOOM and he has to deal right then. This way, he can just say "cool, man, thanks" and go home later and cry himself to sleep.
    3. He gets reinforcement that you DO want him in your life and that he's a positive addition to it. It might make him want to find a way to get over the attraction (if he truly cares about you and isn't just infatuated) because he knows that it makes you happy for him to be his friend.

    I hope that if I get "shot down" by my personal version of you, that he does something like I suggested, and nothing harsh like "Dude, you don't LIKE me like me, right??" icon_sad.gif


    Very good advice. I've done that before and it works out well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 24, 2011 3:51 PM GMT
    EliStark saidI'm that guy, at least right now in my own life, so allow me to chime in from that perspective. I like the suggestions to just say something, because I'd rather know than sit in limbo (like I am now).

    However, consider phrasing it in a positive way vs. a negative one. What if, at some good beer-commercial kind of moment with him, you said something like "you know, not to get too mushy and all, but I want you to know how great it is to have someone in my life where there's NO sexual tension, a good platonic friend. Thanks for that."

    Now, you know and I know that the things he's thinking about doing with you are NOT platonic. icon_twisted.gif But that kind of statement gives him so much:
    1. He saves face. He does not have to have some ego-preserving fox-and-grapes response like "Yeah, well, don't worry, I wasn't into you either."
    2. He gets time to process it. The other way, it's BOOM and he has to deal right then. This way, he can just say "cool, man, thanks" and go home later and cry himself to sleep.
    3. He gets reinforcement that you DO want him in your life and that he's a positive addition to it. It might make him want to find a way to get over the attraction (if he truly cares about you and isn't just infatuated) because he knows that it makes you happy for him to be his friend.

    I hope that if I get "shot down" by my personal version of you, that he does something like I suggested, and nothing harsh like "Dude, you don't LIKE me like me, right??" icon_sad.gif



    Ugh Eli, limbo is terrible, I hated it. Though it gave me time to think about what I would say to someone who was pursuing me romantically that I had only a friend-feeling for. lol, the beer commercial moment is top-notch!

    -Doug
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Aug 24, 2011 4:33 PM GMT
    Saying you want to be platonic is OK, as long as you actually do. Just don't use is as an excuse toget away from his attentions.

    Put a little extra effort into the friendship and make sure you deep in touch. A lot of guys really do NEED platonic friendships and iti s a great thing to do for someone else.
  • byronicheros

    Posts: 211

    Aug 24, 2011 5:17 PM GMT
    The way I go about doing this is always talk about other guys, and just be REALLY nice to him. Being nice goes a long way...even if he does want to get in your pants, and you aren't responding to his signals, he'll eventually realize that he's not going to get in your pants or date you, and eventually you guys will just be friends.