Very upset! Why the FUCK do gay men behave in such shitty ways???

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 08, 2011 7:43 PM GMT
    Okay

    This is another reason why i want to saty single

    There was a guy I was dating and we had met up a few times.. he told me his name was alex - and he was in the theatre. we went to dinner, and all the usual... then I googled him and saw someone with his surname who was doing the shows he had done etc...but the name was Alasdair...

    but I gave it the benefit of the doubt- stupidly

    so I meet him again., and this time we have sex. Im bottom etc... the sex is ok.. not mind blowing etc... he says hes HIV negative.. and then he gets very nervous and says the condom felt like it was coming off to withdraws and its still intact etc...

    then I see a plaque on his wall with the name.. ALASDAIR... he lied to me.

    WHY?!! I ask him and he makes some quick story that everyone calls him Alex and then is quiet

    now Im having trouble believing all he has said.. from being negative, to even the condom etyc...and Im freaked out- I saw it and it was on etc... so I doubt it came off properly as it would be very hard to get back on inside me!!!!

    BUT WHY DO GAY MEN FUCKING LIE LIKE THIS??? WHY?? WHY???? WHY??????

    THIS is when I begin to think its unnatural to be gay because a large proprtion of men are liars, untrustworthy and play games left right and centre!!!!

    IM FUCKING SICK OF IT!!!!!
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    Aug 08, 2011 8:11 PM GMT
    Yeah,

    I saw the condom- it defo wasnt broken and was ON when he withdrew.
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    Aug 08, 2011 8:35 PM GMT
    You are pretty astute..

    God.. I sound like a neurotic freak on here!!!

    Okay- let me explain in a deeper way..

    its a feeling of shame from so much hooking up- then the fear of getting HIV, then the feeling of having to still recover from the ex gay ministries and the way they screwed my mind up etc etc

    its a "cocktail" ( pun intended ) of different things since coming out.

    You guys must think Im a neurotic mess...
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    Aug 08, 2011 8:44 PM GMT
    I don't think your neurotic. There are gay men out there that will and do lie about their hiv status. Some won't tell you anything unless you ask them straight out what is their status? even then some will lie. Best you can really do is to assume everyone could possibly be positive and always use protection. I knew a guy once his bf lied for 8 years
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    Aug 08, 2011 9:26 PM GMT
    Lol, we're all neurotic messes on here hunny, thats why we're here, this website is neurotic messes anonymous... there there.. its ok....

    Teenager-Consoling-Her-Friend-1360770.jp

    Now if you have Aids scares do go test... but the guy's name is not something to worry about... Most everyone I know goes by nicknames, and thats how we introduce ourselves..

    incidentally, not gay men are liars.. 99.9% of the people in the world are liars.... ... I know it sucks, but you cant let it get to you
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    Aug 08, 2011 9:47 PM GMT
    My real name is Timothy but I go by Nicholas. Is that really such a heinous crime? My parents have called me Nicholas since I was a child (given that Dad's name was also Timothy), and it stuck.

    As far as the HIV thing goes, just get tested. And next time maybe ask the top to show a doctor's note or something confirming a negative test result.
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    Aug 08, 2011 9:48 PM GMT
    GreenHopper said
    incidentally, not gay men are liars.. 99.9% of the people in the world are liars.... ... I know it sucks, but you cant let it get to you


    INDEED!
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    Aug 08, 2011 9:51 PM GMT
    Alex seems like a very reasonable shortened name or nickname if your given name is Alasdair.
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    Aug 08, 2011 9:53 PM GMT
    blactor saidits a feeling of shame from so much hooking up- then the fear of getting HIV, then the feeling of having to still recover from the ex gay ministries and the way they screwed my mind up etc etc


    As to the lying, one, it's not abnormal for someone to have a nickname. If he wanted to really hide his given name, he did a suspiciously poor job of it for an alleged liar.

    And two, real liars come in all sexual orientations.

    Your reaction to this sexual encounter -- I would say overreaction -- looks like a defense mechanism, possibly projection (I don't know you, I'm just sayin').

    I say this because you generalize gay men as unnatural, untrustworthy, flaky, and less than truthful.

    I submit for your reflection that you may be describing how you view your own gay identity. That negative self-image may be why you believe you will always be single, no? Have you ever had enjoyable gay sex? I'm wondering.

    It seems you are peripherally aware of this; until you work through these issues it sounds like you will have trust issues in any potential same sex relationship, especially since this sexual encounter was not a mere hookup but with someone who've you've dated and should have been building trust with.

    Lastly, I've been there. Letting go is hard (still).
  • wander2340

    Posts: 176

    Aug 08, 2011 9:53 PM GMT
    Not sure where this quote is from but it seems an appropriate response...

    "Much of what we see depends on what we are looking for."

    I agree that the name change is totally no big deal. It sounds like you haven't been dating him for very long. There is a ton of stuff you will learn about another person as you continue to spend time with them. It doesn't mean they lied to you. All it means is that the subject hasn't yet come up.

    My guy about totally freaked out when we were visiting some friends in France and they casually asked if my mother was still a bodyguard for Chuck Norris. He was like WHAT?!?!! LOL We had already been together for almost 10 years and he knew my mother very well but he had never heard of anything like that. It was actually really funny. This wasn't some sort of conspiracy to keep him from finding out. It just never came up. No big deal and we all had a good laugh.

    Guaranteed you will continue to learn new things about him if you stay together.
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    Aug 08, 2011 9:54 PM GMT
    Wikipedia says "Alasdair is a Scottish Gaelic given name. The name is a Gaelic form of Alexander which has long been a popular name in Scotland."

    I am not sure if him going by Alex is much of a lie. I mean, is it really that much of a stretch?

    Dude, calm down. take a break. have a cookie.

  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Aug 08, 2011 10:06 PM GMT
    blactor saidYeah,

    I saw the condom- it defo wasnt broken and was ON when he withdrew.
    actually, i do not think he lied about his name. people do usually go by the short version of there name. i have cousin name greg but we call him by his name and even that is abbreviated. i think you are being a little too hard on the guy. if someone name is alexandria. most likely he or she will be called alex. anyhow, i hope things will be fine. give the guy a chance. i think you are being too quick to write him off
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    Aug 08, 2011 10:22 PM GMT
    AvadaKedavra saidWikipedia says "Alasdair is a Scottish Gaelic given name. The name is a Gaelic form of Alexander which has long been a popular name in Scotland."

    I am not sure if him going by Alex is much of a lie. I mean, is it really that much of a stretch?

    Dude, calm down. take a break. have a cookie.



    Yeah...you're blowing it way out of proportion OP. Saying his name is Alex seems absolutely reasonable to me.
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    Aug 08, 2011 10:22 PM GMT
    blactor said

    This is another reason why i want to saty single


    Fine, but remember that you will shed, on avg, 9 years off your life if you do. Is that what you want?
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    Aug 08, 2011 10:23 PM GMT
    You are mad someone has a nick name? Really? You honestly sound like a psycho. If anything gives gay men a bad rep its when people like you act like drama queens over nothing. Grab the smelling salts, get off the fainting couch and stop being such a neurotic.
  • bmw0

    Posts: 588

    Aug 08, 2011 10:30 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidI think you are way overreacting. You believe he is lying about his HIV status because he told you a name that (more than likely is true) he prefers to be called by? If he really wanted to keep his name a secret would he really have you over to his place with plaques on his wall that have his birth name? I think if he were really secretive he would not have those plaques on his wall and you over to his place in order for you to see them.

    If you're one of those people that does not feel comfortable engaging in anal sex with condoms as a way to protect yourself from HIV then you shouldn't be having sex with someone until you know them thoroughly. After all that is the point of wearing condoms - to protect yourself. If there is nothing to protect yourself from then there is no need for it.

    I don't think you have anything to worry about but you going off the deep end judging this person after having sex with him from what appears to be the second date will not gain you much sympathy.

    And if this person is indeed HIV+ and you are providing his surname you are partially exposing someone's identity along with their private medical information. Granted, it's only a surname but it is very unusual and with your thorough description of him and his career it would not be hard to find out who this person is. So if he is indeed HIV+ you basically outed this person which is illegal. You should be discreet in how you present your case against someone whom you feel has wronged you.


    I agree with most of this. However it's not illegal to tell others that someone is HIV+ unless you are their doctor, a certified tester or other person covered under hippa or another confidentiality agreement. The problem would actually be if someone saw this and he was in fact negative and sued for slander.

    You really do need to calm down though, the names aren't that much different and it seems very plausible that it would be shortened to Alex. Not to mention if hook ups make you feel this way staying single is hardly the way to avoid them. Just my humble opinion though.
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    Aug 08, 2011 10:38 PM GMT
    My common name is also not my legal name. My father and I share a first name, so to differentiate, I was given a shortened version of my middle name as a common name/nickname.

    I can see going to Alex instead of Alasdair...the ease in pronunciation alone makes it worth it.

    As for the rest, CALM THE FUCK DOWN.
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    Aug 08, 2011 10:43 PM GMT
    I definitely sense some way deeper issues here. Maybe you should take some time to yourself (without guys) and work on those issues. Its good to get away sometimes and figure out what you want in life and put everything in perspective. I did that this summer and I am glad I did.
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    Aug 08, 2011 11:06 PM GMT
    that teaches u .. to not have sex from the 2nd date or even 3rd or 4th ... , the idea of dating is to check him n he check u , then u see if he is good for u and same for him ..
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    Aug 08, 2011 11:19 PM GMT
    blactor said...he says he's HIV negative...

    Does NOBODY here read what I and others post about this? It isn't you, blactor, but damn, this message isn't getting out there.

    It doesn't matter a fuck what HE says about his HIV status -- he could be lying, or he could have gotten infected since his last HIV test, and honestly not know. Even if he showed you the test results taken THAT MORNING they would be worthless, since the test is always reporting his status not more recently than a few weeks to a few months ago, depending on which test he took.

    HIV tests simply aren't that quick, always a lag from infection to detection. But an infected guy can infect you, virtually from Day One of his contracting it.

    Safe sex means assuming EVERY stranger is poz. I don't care what they say or think. And if you believe you had a risk for exposure, be tested monthly for the next 6 months. Not nice getting bad news, but the good news is knowing, to start your treatment early which may allow you to live a long life. Maybe long enough that a cure is found in your lifetime. Sticking your head in the sand gets you dead. Test now, as all sexually active gay men should.
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    Aug 08, 2011 11:34 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    blactor said...he says he's HIV negative...

    Does NOBODY here read what I and others post about this? It isn't you, blactor, but damn, this message isn't getting out there.

    It doesn't matter a fuck what HE says about his HIV status -- he could be lying, or he could have gotten infected since his last HIV test, and honestly not know. Even if he showed you the test results taken THAT MORNING they would be worthless, since the test is always reporting his status not more recently than a few weeks to a few months ago, depending on which test he took.

    HIV tests simply aren't that quick, always a lag from infection to detection. But an infected guy can infect you, virtually from Day One of his contracting it.

    Safe sex means assuming EVERY stranger is poz. I don't care what they say or think. And if you believe you had a risk for exposure, be tested monthly for the next 6 months. Not nice getting bad news, but the good news is knowing, to start your treatment early which may allow you to live a long life. Maybe long enough that a cure is found in your lifetime. Sticking your head in the sand gets you dead. Test now, as all sexually active gay men should.



    I agree
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    Aug 08, 2011 11:35 PM GMT
    Blactor,

    I personally believe that all negative emotion is based upon fear. Anger, jealousy, racism, homophobia... it is all based upon fear.

    Your post is full of fear. I dont know the answer for you, but I would suggest this process:

    1. What is your fear? What are you REALLY afraid of? Face it, look at it in the face. When you face that fear, you can own it and it wont control.

    2. When you address your fear, ask yourself, "Is this reasonable?" Is the fear based upon something real or is it based upon emotion?

    3. Talk to the people who know you the best about the fear... explore that and you will find that this isn't as bad as you think it is and you will gain valuable perspective.

    Fear is always a warped perspective.

    Good luck, I wish I could help you more, dude.
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    Aug 08, 2011 11:48 PM GMT
    blactor said... then the feeling of having to still recover from the ex gay ministries and the way they screwed my mind up


    I think you still have a very long way to go until you are over the brainwashing you experienced in those ex-gay-facilities. From what you wrote in this thread, the way you overreacted to his name being not Alex, I gather, that you still think that all gay men are lying shits that want use others and infect everyone around them with all STDs imaginable.

    All the dating you are doing right now, seems way to much to soon. Try to make gay friends first, so you can start learning to trust gay men. Most of us just try to be happy in life and almost nobody gets up in the morning trying to ruin someone's life.
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    Aug 09, 2011 1:31 AM GMT
    Your first mistake was hooking up with some dude and not doing your homework. Had you been a little inquisitive before fucking him you might've felt more at ease instead of freaking out about his name or his status. In short, all this paranoia and neurotic behavior could've been avoided had you been more diligent and not so horny and too easily trusting.

    Those are the breaks I guess.
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    Aug 09, 2011 2:29 AM GMT
    This thread is an example of what happens when you excel in drama class. icon_razz.gif