Advice needed: how to handle different sex needs in long distance relationship?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2011 10:29 PM GMT
    Hi guys,

    I need some advice. I am 28 years old and live in Amsterdam and have a monogamous long distance relationship with a great guy in Berlin who is 38. We see each other every three or four weeks, and we are very happy in terms of life goals, intellect and humor, family and friends etc. We are very much aware of the challenges of a long term relationship, which we try to manage as best as we can, and the plan is that he is coming to Amsterdam in 1 or 1,5 years to live with me. We love ach other very much, there's no jealousy and a lot of built up trust, which is why we are able to make this work so well for so far. The problem however is a combination of the age difference, sexual attraction to one another and different sex drives.

    First of all, I have a much bigger general sex drive than he has and I experience difficulty not being able to have sex during the times we're not together. He says he ideally wants to be able to have sex with me whenever he can, but because he's in his late thirties he doesn't have the same sex drive as I have in my twenties. Though he says he wouldn't be able to have this kind of relationship when he had my age, he wants nothing else than to accept the current situation. We discussed a temporary open relationship untill we live together, but he says he just doesn't want that anymore at this stage in his life. Fair enough.

    Second to the higher sex drive, I also never experienced a period of 'sowing my wild oats' so to speak, since I had always been somewhat of a shy guy. Then I started working on myself, working out, gaining more selfconfidence and now I receive a lot of attention of guys. I never had that before and I have to admit it's nice to be able to experience that. But now I'm in this great relationship (my first real one) and if everything goes as we plan, I have to give up the ability to sow the oats :-)

    Thirdly and the last complicating thing is that he is a great looking guy, but he doesn't take care of himself. He doesn't sport, he drinks quite a lot (the English) etc. and I notice that his body has changed quite a bit in the last year because of this. It all starts to gradually 'hang' a bit more. Having his arms around me is the best thing I know, but I start to lose my physical attraction to him, and he starts noticing because I don't respond in the same way anymore. I carefully mentioned I was worried that he doesn't take care of himself. He says that he's willing to try to live in a better way, but he will never go to a gym. That's just who he is, he says. He will try to walk long distances, but that won't be enough for the 'hanging' problem I'm afraid. I much respect his self assured position in these issues, it's one of the things I love about him, but I wish he would meet me half way.

    I have no idea how to handle this. Am I a superficial asshole to be worried about his appearance? How bad is it to miss out on your party period? (you know what I mean :winkicon_smile.gif How do you weigh true love on a distance against sex and looks? Should I try to discuss this with him again, and if so, how do I do this?
  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 747

    Aug 10, 2011 12:16 AM GMT
    Your problem is not unusual. I think it all comes down to communication and your commitment to each other. In other words, you need to have an open and honest discussion around your sexual needs and how that applies to your relationship.

    You need to put it all on the table and then come to some agreement as to what you are both willing to commit to. If you decide to be monogamous, then, you're monogamous. If you decide to have an open relationship (albeit it one sided), then you do that.

    Both of you have to be able to live with whatever you agree to, so don't agree to something that you're not willing to do. Your relationship is built on trust and integrity. So if you both act accordingly, you'll be fine.

    FYI, your sex drive being higher than his has nothing to do with age. It's just is what it is. At 53, I can assure you that my sex drive can match any 20 year-olds. And I know of many couples where the person with the higher sex drive does not correlate to being younger.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2011 2:11 AM GMT
    Sounds like:

    1) You're horny and want to have lots of sex and he doesn't.
    2) You're not ready to settle down.
    3) He's increasingly unattractive to you.

    I think it's time to run.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2011 2:52 AM GMT
    I can completely relate because I'm finding myself in a similar situation. I'm sure you'd feel better if your boyfriend had a higher sex drive because then at least when you saw each other it would be more rewarding. Ultimately, this is a difficult situation. I just had a conversation with my boyfriend yesterday about things and apparently behind his low sex drive are some emotional issues that are not related to me. *shrug* We have a semi-long distance relationship as well. What makes me feel more curious and maybe even a little jealous is the fact that he's dated many more guys than me and has done the whole gay scene thing while I haven't.