My boss

  • TennisJock10

    Posts: 208

    Aug 10, 2011 12:41 AM GMT
    Sooo my boss is a fairly cool guy (a little condescending at times). At first he tried to distance himself from me ("professional relationship...not gonna be friends...blah blah blah). Around the same time he hired me I was dealing with a crappy situation with this guy (even longer, more stressful story) and he could tell something was bothering me and wanted me to talk about it, and learn all the private details. It was just him reaching out, being supportive, all that great stuff. He even suggested, more than once, that we should get coffee and talk.

    Fast forward, now we are more or less friends. We laugh and joke and have a pretty good working relationship. But lately, he's been getting really touchy/feely. He literally comes into the office and while Im sitting in my chair, greets me with a very enthusiastic hug (one time his forearm was gently around my neck and his other hand on my side), he's commented on my body more than once (nothing to make me uncomfortable) and he recently started to vaguely mention his sex life (I do stress vaguely).

    Last week, he invited me to a couple of different parties that he plans on throwing. He said that if I came I could stay the night and he "would take full responsibility for me."

    Am I reading too much into this? It doesnt make me uncomfortable (at least not a lot) and I'm just curious to how you guys would feel in this situation. I also used to think he was attractive, but at times his personality (which matters so much more) can be a bit of a turn off. Thoughts? Opinions? Experience in this situation?
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    Aug 10, 2011 2:27 AM GMT
    act with a great deal of caution.

    Hes behaving highly inappropriately and yes he is the boss and no you two shouldn't be "great friends" because it makes it harder for you both to do your jobs.

    Unless he's unbelievably hot and you have another job lined up.
  • turtleneckjoc...

    Posts: 4685

    Aug 10, 2011 3:31 AM GMT
    Your boss has crossed the line and it is sexual harassment. Even touching on his sex life is enough to report it, but the touching and innuendo for spending the night is more than enough ammo to report him.

    I would....

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    Aug 10, 2011 3:36 AM GMT
    turtleneckjock saidYour boss has crossed the line and it is sexual harassment. Even touching on his sex life is enough to report it, but the touching and innuendo for spending the night is more than enough ammo to report him.

    I would....



    Really?
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    Aug 10, 2011 3:50 AM GMT
    Generally a bad idea. If you can afford to lose this job or walk away from it, then go for it. Otherwise its going to get complicated, fast.
  • turtleneckjoc...

    Posts: 4685

    Aug 10, 2011 3:50 AM GMT
    Soulasphyxi said
    turtleneckjock saidYour boss has crossed the line and it is sexual harassment. Even touching on his sex life is enough to report it, but the touching and innuendo for spending the night is more than enough ammo to report him.

    I would....



    Really?


    Damn right I would. Let me give you an example of something a female manager did to me a few years ago:

    The woman was "nuckin futs" as they say. She would give me dirty looks at work (I did not report directly to her), she would be nice to me one moment and then become a real bitch. One day she passed by my desk and my back was turned to her. She whistled at me. I turned to look at her and her back was to me, but head turned toward where I was. She was then fondling her ass and winking at me (she obviously didn't know I do guys....). I felt offended and reported it to another manager. That manager got me and crazy lady's boss together and covered the whole thing up saying I must have been the one to provoke that (yeah, right). I reported all 3 of them to HR and to make a long story short....crazy lady was demoted and moved to another department....her boss that covered the whole thing up suffered the same fate....and I got a promotion and doubled my salary (but my hard work had more to do with that....).
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    Aug 10, 2011 4:00 AM GMT
    turtleneckjock saidYour boss has crossed the line and it is sexual harassment. Even touching on his sex life is enough to report it, but the touching and innuendo for spending the night is more than enough ammo to report him.

    I would....




    That's ridiculous. These men are friends. Besides, that's a serious accusation and even if it does make him uncomfortable, a mature adult would try and settle this man to man without fucking up the guy's entire career.
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    Aug 10, 2011 4:02 AM GMT
    I think it depends on how much you like your job. It's a very bad idea to have sex with your boss and honestly I don't think it's a good idea to be "friends" either. You can be "friendly" but actual friends is pushing it. If something goes wrong with the friendship, your job could be in jeopardy.
  • commoncoll

    Posts: 1222

    Aug 10, 2011 4:02 AM GMT
    Maybe he's just an affectionate guy.

    But perhaps you could try to limit your time spent together. You don't want to become too friendly with your boss. You can be congenial without being mushy.
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    Aug 10, 2011 4:18 AM GMT
    PROMOTION!!! Enjoy it...this is how life works!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 10, 2011 4:21 AM GMT
    He isn't following a professional code of conduct. He might be your friend, "more or less", but I'd be wondering about "the less" if things went south, so to speak....

    icon_mad.gif
  • turtleneckjoc...

    Posts: 4685

    Aug 10, 2011 4:28 AM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    turtleneckjock saidYour boss has crossed the line and it is sexual harassment. Even touching on his sex life is enough to report it, but the touching and innuendo for spending the night is more than enough ammo to report him.

    I would....




    That's ridiculous. These men are friends. Besides, that's a serious accusation and even if it does make him uncomfortable, a mature adult would try and settle this man to man without fucking up the guy's entire career.


    Sorry. I disagree. Friends are friends. Business is business. And if they are friends, then there should be one code of conduct for work, another for non-working hours. That's professionalism.

    The touching and comments would make me feel uncomfortable. Enough to report it and by doing so, that will put an end to it right there.
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    Aug 10, 2011 4:32 AM GMT
    turtleneckjock said
    Scruffypup said
    turtleneckjock saidYour boss has crossed the line and it is sexual harassment. Even touching on his sex life is enough to report it, but the touching and innuendo for spending the night is more than enough ammo to report him.

    I would....




    That's ridiculous. These men are friends. Besides, that's a serious accusation and even if it does make him uncomfortable, a mature adult would try and settle this man to man without fucking up the guy's entire career.


    Sorry. I disagree. Friends are friends. Business is business. And if they are friends, then there should be one code of conduct for work, another for non-working hours. That's professionalism.

    The touching and comments would make me feel uncomfortable. Enough to report it and by doing so, that will put an end to it right there.



    Yes, and it would also make you look like a drama queen. It's not like the guy grabbed his crotch or something. Jeeezz. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • MagillaNectar

    Posts: 72

    Aug 10, 2011 5:08 AM GMT
    sundayswim saidPROMOTION!!! Enjoy it...this is how life works!


    Haha. Yeah, no this isn't how life really works but it's funny. If you don't want him to put his penis in you then tell him you got a new boyfriend and it's been going great and that it's pretty serious. If he thinks of you as a friend, he'll still want to hang out. If it's totally sexual, he may back off a bit.

    Edit: He probably may still try to make advances but just tell him you can't hang out or if you do make sure there are other people always around.
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    Aug 10, 2011 5:20 AM GMT
    Soulasphyxi said
    turtleneckjock saidYour boss has crossed the line and it is sexual harassment. Even touching on his sex life is enough to report it, but the touching and innuendo for spending the night is more than enough ammo to report him.

    I would....



    Really?


    Haha, your profile pic perfectly matches your response. But to the point, I would continue to be friends with him... he hasn't done anything drastic yet. However, maintain a reasonable distance.
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    Aug 10, 2011 6:14 AM GMT
    turtleneckjock saidYour boss has crossed the line and it is sexual harassment. Even touching on his sex life is enough to report it, but the touching and innuendo for spending the night is more than enough ammo to report him.

    I would....



    This.
    My boss's boss at a previous job gave every impression of being a closet case - no history of marriages or kids, girlfriends were always in other cities and he was in no hurry to visit them, and (gotta say it) he had a very tight body for a guy in his 40's. He was always the first to tell Gay jokes and make borderline-offensive or worse remarks. ("So, the football team is selling fudge for a fundraiser. I hope they didn't pack any! HAHAHA") Among my colleagues there were certain people who'd become friends and who I'd spend time with off the job. This man wasn't one of them, and his behavior made it even easier to keep things on a cordial level.
    One day we happened to be leaving for the night at the same time. When we were about to split up at the parking lot (him to go to his car, me to walk to the subway) he said with mock spontaneity: "HEY, wanna go for a beer?" I was taken aback by this sudden proposition, and probably showed it. For a few slow-moving seconds I didn't know how to react. Clearly I wasn't going to be hanging out with any of my work buddies because I'd walked out alone. My reply was with a rueful smile, "No; I really have to get home to take care of some stuff tonight. Maybe some other time."

    Any subordinate who thinks that hooking up with the boss will somehow smooth the climb up the company ladder or broaden their social lives has another think comin'. It's playing with fire. No matter what actually occurs, when the higher-up has gotten what they're after they'll move on to the next victim. Then there are all sorts of ways to get back at someone for rejecting passes, calling everything off if something did get started, etc. Job performance evaluations are suddenly less positive. A less-qualified individual gets promoted. Lists of candidates for layoff include the would-be sleep-my-way-to-the-top person. It's complete abuse of authority to lead on someone who reports to you, much less start an affair. Why do these jerks get away with it? Because they can! If I were in the OP's shoes I'd wear a wire and then drop a dime to HR.
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    Aug 10, 2011 6:36 AM GMT
    Yes, he crossed the line. His actions were unprofessional and could be considered harassment.
    It would make one think that if he's willing to cross the line to be overly affectionate, what other lines would your boss be willing to cross to get his way?
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    Aug 10, 2011 6:48 AM GMT
    Always keep a journal of weird shit at work that could impact your relationship w/your work place and talk about it w/peers, friends and family so you have deep witnesses.
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2605

    Aug 10, 2011 7:01 AM GMT
    I think you need to keep your distance from this guy.Bottom line:he is your boss!I don`t think you can be friends with him given the status you have in the company relative to him.
    I have a friend in London who thought because he socialized with his boss after work,he was safe in the company and relaxed.He wasn`t,she sacked him and their 'friendship' faded fast.He`s still bitter over the affair two years later.
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    Aug 10, 2011 10:25 AM GMT
    Is he single? Maybe he has crush on you
  • TennisJock10

    Posts: 208

    Aug 10, 2011 10:10 PM GMT
    Let me clarify that I have NO interest in being more than friends. And my current job is fine, so I don't ever picture myself "slutting" my way to the top haha. I've just been on the fence about it. I get along with all my co-workers. It's a small office so everyone works closely together, so we might as well all get along. And he's only like 6 years older than me so the whole invitation to parties seem innocent enough. And I think reporting him would be a bit of an overreaction. Maybe I should just tell him I'm in a relationship or seeing someone. He has asked about my personal life before. Lol the other day he asked "if I was happ...." Sadly I had to pause before replying icon_razz.gif Lol.
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    Aug 10, 2011 10:29 PM GMT
    Your boss seems to have pulled a 180 on you. I would just be cordial about it. If he does something that makes so you feel uncomfortable then let him know. If he's as cool as you say he is then talking to him shouldn't be a problem and it might just be a misunderstanding on his part. That's a bit weird that he started talking to you about his sex life though. I would definitely be leery about that and it would make me wonder if he was hinting at something.

    Just don't entertain it and keep your cool about it. You're an adult so I imagine you won't do something unless you want to but as a word of advice I suggest you don't let it become sexual with your boss because that's the route it seems to be taking. Not a good thing for work.

    It's either that or he has a misunderstanding about gays and thinks that's how we operate by giving hugs and talk about our sex life so openly. Does he do this with other employees and is he just as friendly and open to them as he is with you? If not, then you have your answer and you should proceed with caution. I'd suggest keeping accountants of this like in a journal or something for your own personal safety.

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    Aug 10, 2011 10:38 PM GMT
    Remain cordial, he is after all still your boss and can make your life difficult
    Attend at least one party, make sure you are not the first to arrive nor the last to leave - Do not stay over! I repeat- do not stay over!

    now if your boss is hot - send him my way.
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    Aug 10, 2011 11:00 PM GMT
    Maybe it's hard for this guy to open up to people and he sees you as someone who works for him that won't turn private conversations into public gossip. Sometimes when people are isolated for a long time they seem very intense and awkward when they find someone to connect with.

    It sounds like you don't feel pressured into doing it. Go to the party, but don't drink so much he finds reason for you to stay the night. When people are in their own space, they tend to relax more. I think you'll be able to gleam his intentions better once outside of work.
  • turtleneckjoc...

    Posts: 4685

    Aug 11, 2011 1:40 AM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    turtleneckjock said
    Scruffypup said
    turtleneckjock saidYour boss has crossed the line and it is sexual harassment. Even touching on his sex life is enough to report it, but the touching and innuendo for spending the night is more than enough ammo to report him.

    I would....




    That's ridiculous. These men are friends. Besides, that's a serious accusation and even if it does make him uncomfortable, a mature adult would try and settle this man to man without fucking up the guy's entire career.


    Sorry. I disagree. Friends are friends. Business is business. And if they are friends, then there should be one code of conduct for work, another for non-working hours. That's professionalism.

    The touching and comments would make me feel uncomfortable. Enough to report it and by doing so, that will put an end to it right there.



    Yes, and it would also make you look like a drama queen. It's not like the guy grabbed his crotch or something. Jeeezz. icon_rolleyes.gif


    Sorry, but maybe it's from working in uptight Orlando all these years. One does not dip their pen in the company ink.