Dating dilemma: What do you do when you really like a guy, but you know deep down that there's no long-term compatibility?

  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Aug 11, 2011 5:33 PM GMT
    I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks now whom I genuinely like, but I'm having a hard time sifting through whether it's sustainable or not.

    For starters, our schedules only really allow for us to see each other one afternoon/evening a week. The other issue is that we live about 30 miles apart and he doesn't have a car, which means that I always come to him. That in itself is not a big deal, but it does really put our interaction on a rather predictable loop, and it limits the range of our activities. I know he doesn't have much money so I'm very conscious of doing things that aren't going to cost alot or make him feel uncomfortable. Also, I am an extremely active, athletic person, whereas he is not (to his credit, he makes attempts, but it's hit or miss). He's also had a lot of challenges in his life, whereas I've been fortunate to lead a life where things have largely worked out pretty well, which I think shapes one's particular view of the world and how one interacts in it.

    I feel like kind of a dud; I wish that I could overlook all these things completely and just focus on who he is as a person, but it's beginning to feel a bit like this is not very logical or sustainable. The fact that he lives his life within very limited parameters (financially, geographically and socially) makes me begin to feel very confined as well. My parameters in all those respects are by contrast very large.

    Any suggestions?
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    Aug 11, 2011 5:58 PM GMT
    Well, if you dont feel that there is long-term compatibility why are you doing it?
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    Aug 11, 2011 6:14 PM GMT
    SO, I hope the sex is adequate within the confines of his limited parameters? ;)

    Seriously, if you don't think there is long-term potential, say so. Open, honest communication is very important. You don't want him to think there is long-term potential if there isn't.

    IF you can't do this, then you need to find a way to extricate yourself from this situation.

    Just sayin'.
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    Aug 11, 2011 6:43 PM GMT
    U move on. He isn't the only guy in the whole world. Remember there is ALWAYS someone better, stronger, funnier, cuter, more silly, outgoing etc etc. I think it would be best if you moved on from him. I had a similar situation of being "provided for", even though I knew I could have anything in the world if I wanted it, I didn't like the man sexually, it was a friendship based relationship and those feelings I was feeling were security, not affection. I say move on, the guy seems like he isn't in a time or place to make any type of commitment to you.
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    Aug 11, 2011 6:49 PM GMT
    Just be platonic friends.
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    Aug 11, 2011 7:13 PM GMT
    This relationship has a lot going for it, actually.

    >>makes me begin to feel very confined as well. My parameters in all those respects are by contrast very large.


    Do you need to be confined? Some men live larger than they think they should. And like the safety check.

    >>we live about 30 miles apart and he doesn't have a car... it does really put our interaction on a rather predictable loop, and it limits the range of our activities.

    Do you not like that predictability? Some guys can't stand BF's who show up unannounced.

    The point is, I think you might be feeling a bit sorry for him. But don't let that enter your head. This guy is perfect... for someone. He may not be athletic, but that's ideal for a man who enjoys his posse of jock friends and doesn't want his BF injecting himself into every situation.

    I would dump him. The subtext of your message is saying "He doesn't fit me". So you want to be fair with him as soon as you realize that.
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    Aug 11, 2011 7:38 PM GMT
    It sounds like for the moment, he's something to focus your energy on, (being alone sucks)but sounds like you know it's not going anywhere and just want confirmation from us..from what you've said, perhaps being friends for the time being would be best.
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    Aug 11, 2011 7:43 PM GMT
    NC3athlete saidI've been seeing a guy for a few weeks now whom I genuinely like, but I'm having a hard time sifting through whether it's sustainable or not....
    Any suggestions?


    I think you should share these thoughts with him.
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    Aug 11, 2011 8:57 PM GMT
    If you two enjoy spending time together, then have fun. Don't string this guy along. You should let him know that you don't think this will be a relationship.

    If this guy is just a holding pattern til something better comes along, then move on. It's not fair to the other guy.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Aug 11, 2011 8:59 PM GMT
    Thanks, guys, for the input. I agree that I'll just need to level with him on what I'm feeling. I think part of the problem is that I always want to give dating an opportunity to grow into something if I genuinely like the guy. Sometimes though you get to a point where you realize that irrespective of him being a great, likeable guy, there are other things that have to be factored in for there to be a relationship with potential for growth.

    I just know that will be hard for him. I suspect that he's encountered this issue before with other guys, and I don't think his circumstances are self-imposed or the result of gross personal irresponsibility. Tough.
  • groundcombat

    Posts: 945

    Aug 11, 2011 9:03 PM GMT
    Enjoy the sex and stop overthinking it? icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 11, 2011 9:20 PM GMT
    NC3athlete saidThanks, guys, for the input. I agree that I'll just need to level with him on what I'm feeling. I think part of the problem is that I always want to give dating an opportunity to grow into something if I genuinely like the guy. Sometimes though you get to a point where you realize that irrespective of him being a great, likeable guy, there are other things that have to be factored in for there to be a relationship with potential for growth.

    I just know that will be hard for him. I suspect that he's encountered this issue before with other guys, and I don't think his circumstances are self-imposed or the result of gross personal irresponsibility. Tough.


    It sounds like you already made your decision, but you are just staying because you don't want to hurt his feelings, which is admirable but ultimately unavoidable.

    You didn't cause his life situation, and maybe some negative attention will prompt him to change and end up happier.
  • M4tt

    Posts: 84

    Aug 11, 2011 10:03 PM GMT
    NC3athlete saidI've been seeing a guy for a few weeks now whom I genuinely like, but I'm having a hard time sifting through whether it's sustainable or not.

    For starters, our schedules only really allow for us to see each other one afternoon/evening a week. The other issue is that we live about 30 miles apart and he doesn't have a car, which means that I always come to him. That in itself is not a big deal, but it does really put our interaction on a rather predictable loop, and it limits the range of our activities. I know he doesn't have much money so I'm very conscious of doing things that aren't going to cost alot or make him feel uncomfortable. Also, I am an extremely active, athletic person, whereas he is not (to his credit, he makes attempts, but it's hit or miss). He's also had a lot of challenges in his life, whereas I've been fortunate to lead a life where things have largely worked out pretty well, which I think shapes one's particular view of the world and how one interacts in it.

    I feel like kind of a dud; I wish that I could overlook all these things completely and just focus on who he is as a person, but it's beginning to feel a bit like this is not very logical or sustainable. The fact that he lives his life within very limited parameters (financially, geographically and socially) makes me begin to feel very confined as well. My parameters in all those respects are by contrast very large.

    Any suggestions?


    I'm currently in a very similar dating situation, I live in Brooklyn and he lives in Long Island (about the same distance). As of right now we see each other max twice a week. After buying a round trip train ticket ($16.50) I have about enough money for lunch. I'm in college trying to get a part time job but as of yet no luck. I usually get there around 1:00 and leave him anywhere between 9:00 and 12:00. I truly value the time I share with him and I look forward to seeing him every week. We drive around talking and listening to music, and occasionally even after I protest he treats me to a meal because he knows my financial situation. If you feel frustrated don't force it any further, communicating is the best thing for any situation. Our days are a little predictable but I enjoy every moment. Plus he drives so we can go anywhere if the mood strikes.
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    Aug 11, 2011 10:08 PM GMT
    Well, guts do more than just digest food. They tell you when something is real or not. If this is the type of feeling your getting from this dude, save yourself now before the ship sinks.
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    Aug 11, 2011 10:25 PM GMT
    General consensus, as usual:

    Time to run.


  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Aug 11, 2011 10:54 PM GMT
    If it's this early end it before you get too involved! You could always be friends ;)
  • Lozzano

    Posts: 526

    Aug 11, 2011 11:12 PM GMT
    Fuck him as much as the short-term compatibility allows you! icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 12, 2011 1:01 AM GMT
    NC3athlete, if you were that guy, how would you want to be treated? Imagine him posting what you first posted.

    However you would want to be treated, do that with him.

    If he's not the right fit for you, let him go to spare him deeper hurt later. icon_wink.gif