I am coming out to my parents. Tonight.

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    Aug 11, 2011 6:25 PM GMT
    It has been a long time since I first thought about it, probably 3 or 4 years, but I have always wanted to wait for the right moment, and wait till I am ready to come out to them.
    However, I don't think there will ever be a time when I am completely "ready". It will always be uncomfortable to bring this up to them for the first time. And even right now I am shaking a little typing this message.

    My family rarely talks about emotions and feelings, and talks very little about my personal life. But as Chinese parents, they always ask about two things, like .. whether I have a girlfriend (and why not), and when I plan to get married. I usually just brush them off.
    Some of you may look back to the time you come out and think it was a small hurdle, but I am sure at that moment it was the grandest thing to overcome.....

    I dunno whether a direct approach 'I am gay' or a softer approach like ' I am not interested in girls' would work better.

    I am posting this cos I need all your support, encouragement, and advice you guys can offer. Anything will do. And hopefully I will still have enough guts to come out to them tonight..

    Try not to troll this thread, thanks. I genuinely need support from you RJ'ers.
  • smudgedude

    Posts: 260

    Aug 11, 2011 6:27 PM GMT
    be strong, and good luck dude.
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    Aug 11, 2011 6:31 PM GMT
    Coming out is the hard part. Being out (after the initial shock) is the easy part.

    Good luck! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 11, 2011 6:33 PM GMT
    Try not to focus on the precise wording as you plan it out in your head, just be aware the conversation is difficult and at a certain point you need to rip off the band-aid and say it. There is no right or wrong way to do it, just relax. And if they don't take it well: leave the room before they say things you will never forget. Really, I wish I had that advice when I was younger.

    The actual moment is quite awful as you finally blow your cover but a week, a month, a year later you realize a weight is off your chest and things are better this way.

    Good luck! icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 11, 2011 6:36 PM GMT
    Hey man. I'm not out at all so I can totally understand your fear esp. in the context of an Asian society. Just know that you're already a lot more courageous than closeted people like me! And I guess no matter what, just be sure of who you are as a person and know that you're a good person regardless of whether you like guys or gals.

    All the best! Everyone has their fingers crossed for you dude.
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    Aug 11, 2011 7:47 PM GMT
    spaghettimonster saidTry not to focus on the precise wording as you plan it out in your head, just be aware the conversation is difficult and at a certain point you need to rip off the band-aid and say it. There is no right or wrong way to do it, just relax. And if they don't take it well: leave the room before they say things you will never forget. Really, I wish I had that advice when I was younger.

    The actual moment is quite awful as you finally blow your cover but a week, a month, a year later you realize a weight is off your chest and things are better this way.

    Good luck! icon_smile.gif


    Thanks for your advice.
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    Aug 11, 2011 7:52 PM GMT
    TheChrisGuy saidHey man. I'm not out at all so I can totally understand your fear esp. in the context of an Asian society. Just know that you're already a lot more courageous than closeted people like me! And I guess no matter what, just be sure of who you are as a person and know that you're a good person regardless of whether you like guys or gals.

    All the best! Everyone has their fingers crossed for you dude.


    Thanks. You may not think so, but you are only 18 and you are already in a later stage towards coming out that I was at that age. Living in an accepting environment (such as Canada) and being away from parents gave me freedom to explore and come to know myself, so I wish you best of luck in your journey as well.
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    Aug 11, 2011 7:52 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidComing out is the hard part. Being out (after the initial shock) is the easy part.

    Good luck! icon_biggrin.gif


    Thanks for the wise words.
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    Aug 11, 2011 8:33 PM GMT
    "Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn’t nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamor of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand." written by Aldous Huxley (Brave New World)


    When I came out I was so happy with myself afterwards.


    cheers~
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    Aug 11, 2011 9:32 PM GMT
    hey go for it and good luck, il keep my fingers crossed for ya =)
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    Aug 11, 2011 9:37 PM GMT
    You go young man! Keep us updated please. And hug
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    Aug 11, 2011 9:37 PM GMT
    IT IS PROBABLY GONNA BE HARDER FOR YOU TO COME UP WITH THE WORDS...I AM GAY....THEN IT WILL BE FOR THEM TO ACCEPT.
    BE POSITIVE IN THOUGHT AND JUST ELL THEM....IT WILL TAKE A HUGE WEIGHT OFF YOUR CHEST AND WILL MORE THEN LIKELY BE WAY BETTER THEN THE WAY YOU IMAGINE....GOOD LUCK AND YOU WILL DO GREAT......
    NO MATTER WHAT, THE TRUTH WILL BE OUT THERE AND LIFE WILL BE WAY EASIER FOR YOU FROM NOW ON....(IT WORKED FOR ME!!!)
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    Aug 11, 2011 9:50 PM GMT
    I hope everything goes well for you. No matter the outcome of this conversation, you're going to have an easier life because of it. It's amazing how it feels when you get a weight like this off your shoulders. Good luck!
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    Aug 11, 2011 10:03 PM GMT
    Best of luck to you. Remember that even if it doesn't go perfectly in the moment, they will almost certainly come around. Hugs.
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    Aug 11, 2011 11:16 PM GMT
    If you can't say "I'm gay", you could try writing it on a piece of paper or something.

    I too come from a family that rarely talks about emotions and feelings. I can't remember the last time I told my mother and father "I love you". I don't even remember even telling either of them those words.

    I hope that everything goes well with this. Good luck! Everyone says that it will feel awesome after you come out (not directly after, of course). Do you have any plans in case things don't go as you would hope? It's great that you think you are ready enough to do this. You will be okay. icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 11, 2011 11:19 PM GMT
    And remember, you're totally stronger than the two of them, so if they start some shit be sure to toss them around a little.
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    Aug 11, 2011 11:21 PM GMT
    I'm glad you have the courage to do something like this,
    I'm not out and I'm deathly afraid to come out to right wing conservative parents icon_eek.gif
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    Aug 11, 2011 11:24 PM GMT
    Good luck with coming out! I think you'll feel a burden off your shoulders when you do, just remember to be patient with them as they try and accept what they hear. I'm assuming you didn't accept you were gay the moment you realized, so just give them some time if they aren't accepting at first icon_smile.gif

    again good luck!!
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Aug 11, 2011 11:27 PM GMT
    There is no more liberating feeling than coming out. Good luck to you and lean on your friends while your parents are digesting the information and adjusting themselves.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Aug 11, 2011 11:27 PM GMT
    Best of luck! Let us know how it goes.
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    Aug 11, 2011 11:30 PM GMT
    The weight of the world releases! Its euphoric!
    Give em hell!

    Tell us all what happened!
  • D300

    Posts: 86

    Aug 11, 2011 11:34 PM GMT
    Best of luck to you! icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 11, 2011 11:36 PM GMT
    uberick said

    I dunno whether a direct approach 'I am gay' or a softer approach like ' I am not interested in girls' would work better.


    The thread has already given some good advice, but I do want to speak to this one point - gay versus "something else".

    One, don't let yourself get hung up on the labels - not because they don't matter, but because your parents' preconceptions will be there whether you avoid the right/wrong word or not. So, my advice on this is the same approach as everything else - be honest. Don't pick your words based on how they'll take them; pick your words based on what's true. Are you gay? Are you bi? Do you think probably mostly really really gay with a little possible hetero in there? Do you even know? Just share what you do know - that you like guys, and you are looking forward to finding that special someone to share your life with. Don't overexplain, or explain why, or "what happened". Just tell them what you know and what you feel and let them know how much their support matters to you. That's all you can do.

    Don't forget - after this, they may react badly. It's possible. It doesn't mean "all your nightmares have come true". I'm going to (mis)quote Dan Savage here - when you come out to your parents, they may act like children. They may throw a tantrum, be mean, be childish and bitter and spiteful. It sucks, but you have to be the adult here. Don't let them abuse you, but give them time to process it; they may not be the wonderful PFLAG supporting parents you want, at least not right away. Give them time, and stay true to yourself.
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    Aug 11, 2011 11:47 PM GMT
    There is so much good advice here. All I can offer is that I grew up in a conservative house as well. My mother literally punched the picture I had hanging of my then bf. Fast forward a decade she's bringing my husband cookies and treats to his work so she can get a chance to talk to her "other son.". Most parents come around. All the best to you!! ;)
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4864

    Aug 11, 2011 11:49 PM GMT
    I always advise guys NOT to come out to their parents until they are financially independent of their parents. But at age 28, you are probably financially independent of your parents. So, this would be as good a time as any.

    There may be fireworks, or they may be completely accepting. But if they are not accepting at first, it may be that they will come around later. I hope that you have people you can count on for support if your parents react negatively. That would greatly help you to deal with the situation if your parents do react negatively.

    If they do react negatively, it may be best to sever the relationship completely for a while depending on how strongly they react. I made the mistake of not doing that and, as a result, I suffered far more than I would have if I had severed the relationship. Severing the relationship need not be permanent.