Just started dating..... Is this typical?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2011 8:35 PM GMT
    Ok let me give some background info. I accepted that I was gay back in college at age 20 and I had some fun for a few years. Only recently did I decide to come out to my close friends and certain family members and I did this not only for myself, but because I feel long overdue for my first relationship.


    So a few weeks ago I went on my first date and have been trying to arrange dates as much as possible. My gay social network is non-existent so I mainly arrange these dates thru grindr unfortunately. As a result I have had most of the dates flake. So my first problem is finding cute gay guys WHO ARE RELIABLE AND WILL ACTUALLY FOLLOW THROUGH WITH PLANS OR AT LEAST TXT TO CANCEL A PLAN.

    I did end up going on 2 dates tho and both seemed to go well. But here's my problem, I never hear from the guys again. (btw both dates ended with a goodnight kiss, not buttsehks lol) On the date they seem interested, will make comments like "we should definitely hang again next Saturday" but when I txt them the next day saying "hi, I had fun, hope to see u again" I get no response. I don't like to play games and I'm pretty honest and straightforward with my intentions, feelings, faults and strengths. And I don't think I'm clingy or desperate to send 1 txt the next day and if they do think that, then screw them, if I like them I want to show it, not play games.

    So is this typical of gay dating? Everything seems to go well, the other person shows interest in you, but u don't hear from them again?

    Please help. Also I know grindr doesn't have the most reliable people, but I honestly don't know how else to meet gay guys. I can only really go out once a week to clubs, and the music is too Loud to talk, so I am at a loss.
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    Aug 11, 2011 8:45 PM GMT
    Yes, it's very typical.
    Keep your head up in the meanwhile, and keep trying and learning the angles. Figuring them out is like an art form. Have fun in the meanwhile laughing (to yourself) at the various 'characters' you encounter.
    Keep smiling, that's the only help you'll need!
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    Aug 11, 2011 8:46 PM GMT
    I can say it's typical of on line dating. Ive gone out with 2 guys on grindr as well both dinner dates. Both went really well both talked of future dates and how much of a great time they had. Next day I to sent 1 text and just like with you I never heard from them again.
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    Aug 11, 2011 8:50 PM GMT
    BuddyinNYC saidYes, it's very typical.
    Keep your head up in the meanwhile, and keep trying and learning the angles. Figuring them out is like an art form. Have fun in the meanwhile laughing (to yourself) at the various 'characters' you encounter.
    Keep smiling, that's the only help you'll need!


    Uhg I don't like to play games, but you are saying I need to learn them? I hate all forms of drama and just want guys to b honest. If u don't want a second date, don't suggest one. It's like I'm not even suggesting the second date, I play it cool, but still I never hear from them.


    Also any suggestions on how to meet guys outside of grindr?
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    Aug 11, 2011 8:56 PM GMT
    I understand how you feel about the lack of social network. ive been out since 1998 and every guy ive dated and ever bf ive had ive met on line. Not a good thing either imo. I need too start forcing myself into going out much more
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    Aug 11, 2011 9:04 PM GMT
    wolverinecub86 said
    BuddyinNYC saidYes, it's very typical.
    Keep your head up in the meanwhile, and keep trying and learning the angles. Figuring them out is like an art form. Have fun in the meanwhile laughing (to yourself) at the various 'characters' you encounter.
    Keep smiling, that's the only help you'll need!


    Uhg I don't like to play games, but you are saying I need to learn them? I hate all forms of drama and just want guys to b honest. If u don't want a second date, don't suggest one. It's like I'm not even suggesting the second date, I play it cool, but still I never hear from them.


    Also any suggestions on how to meet guys outside of grindr?


    No, not learn to play the games, it's just very important to understand the games and avoid them, so that you'll not get hurt and/or misled.
    I understand you and I think I'm a lot like you. I don't mislead guys and try not to offend them either. It's great to want people to be honest, but graciously realize that it's (unfortunately) rare and conditional. Expect dating to be an all-around learning experience. That's the only way I get real satisfaction from it. Even if/when friendships/relationships end something has been learned and I am wiser for it.
    Each non-starter and non-success gets you another step further if you've learned what kinds of 'characters' to keep away from.

    (P.S. - I've never used Gindr and don't plan to.)
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    Aug 11, 2011 9:19 PM GMT
    I think you need to talk to some of your female friends. This is typical male behavior. Guys will say/do almost anything up until the point they think they're going to get your pants off and if they don't they move to a new pasture, so to speak. Even guys who protest Oh I would never do that blah blah blah are full of shit. We've almost all experienced that date that just doesn't click and he's a nice guy...but there's nothing there...it's easier to just go about your life than hurt someone's feelings or whatever weird reason one has in mind.
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    Aug 11, 2011 10:54 PM GMT
    RunintheCity said Oh I would never do that blah blah blah are full of shit.


    Yeah, I'm guilty of this too honestly. A lot of it I believe has to do with not wanting to hurt the other persons feelings. And yeah, you meet a lot of guys full of fluff on-line. What you can do is just hang out casually as friends without having any intentions except getting to know one another without it feeling so forced. Then see if you wanna date the guy. Lots of hugs to you wolverine and

    0137B.jpg

    icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2011 10:56 PM GMT
    Extremely typical.
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    Aug 11, 2011 11:01 PM GMT
    wolverinecub86 said
    So is this typical of gay dating? Everything seems to go well, the other person shows interest in you, but u don't hear from them again?


    In the past month or so I have had one date no-show, one cancel the day of, one get sick on the day of and promise to get in touch later (sure), one try to get me to come over to fuck instead of the planned date, one had to go out of town (that one still looks promising), and one turn out to be a complete psychos in need of anger management. Met online, met at gym, met at bar, met on campus.

    Point being, yes, this is typical, and you will grow thick skin about it.

    I have a date with a go-go boy tonight. Fingers crossed.
  • DrobUA

    Posts: 1331

    Aug 11, 2011 11:11 PM GMT
    Online Dating Sucks
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Aug 11, 2011 11:32 PM GMT
    You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet a prince. Try meeting guys in other ways in addition to online by getting involved in some gay organizations where you live - sports groups, business guilds, activist organizations, etc - whatever fits your interests. Don't give up online dating, but look at other alternatives, too.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Aug 11, 2011 11:59 PM GMT
    Check out this organization:

    http://www.greatoutdoors.org/

    When I lived in San Diego, I was a member of Great Outdoors. The organization has a number of chapters. It sponsors outdoor activities, especially backpacking and camping. You can meet a lot of good people through it.
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 1492

    Aug 12, 2011 12:21 AM GMT
    Skip the hook up sites and go for a legit dating site like Match.com. You can create a basic profile and browse for free before committing. There may not be enough young men in your area that are subscribers to that particular site, but check it out. It's one of the largest and more popular, but there may be others more appropriate for younger guys.

    Don't be overly picky about the connections you make, and have ZERO expectations prior to meeting. The meh..picture could belong to a hotty in person....and vice versa. Meet as many guys as possible for a quick drink or a walk in the park...doesn't matter. Just get face to face with anyone interesting. Until you actually meet face to face...it's all in your head. The one in a hundred that might be right for you could be the first or the last guy you meet.

    Keep the first meets short and sweet. If the feeling's mutual, you'll both know it fairly quick, and can plan the romantic second without wasting a lot of time, money, and emotion on the guys that are wrong for you.
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    Aug 12, 2011 12:25 AM GMT
    You can also join a gay running, biking, etc. club to meet people. You may not find a boyfriend there but you can make plenty of friends who will at least introduce you to others and allow you to meet some quality people.
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    Aug 12, 2011 12:36 AM GMT
    wild_sky360 saidSkip the hook up sites and go for a legit dating site like Match.com. You can create a basic profile and browse for free before committing. There may not be enough young men in your area that are subscribers to that particular site, but check it out. It's one of the largest and more popular, but there may be others more appropriate for younger guys.

    Don't be overly picky about the connections you make, and have ZERO expectations prior to meeting. The meh..picture could belong to a hotty in person....and vice versa. Meet as many guys as possible for a quick drink or a walk in the park...doesn't matter. Just get face to face with anyone interesting. Until you actually meet face to face...it's all in your head. The one in a hundred that might be right for you could be the first or the last guy you meet.

    Keep the first meets short and sweet. If the feeling's mutual, you'll both know it fairly quick, and can plan the romantic second without wasting a lot of time, money, and emotion on the guys that are wrong for you.


    In general this is sound advice.
    However...
    I was on Match.com twice over a period of 3 years. It was pretty much worthless IMO, but who knows- you might be successful there. (I have a friend who met his wife on such a site within a month or so.) Lots of the same nonsense on Match too. Guys are on that and many more sites concurrently (including RJ). Also guys that haven't updated their photos in at least 4 years. Another guy I actually met was ~10 years older than his photo and what he wrote.
    Good luck! (I mean it very sincerely.)
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    Aug 12, 2011 12:44 AM GMT
    Yeah pretty typicial..

    Guy: Hey man want to see Avatar with me on friday?
    Me: Not really I've seen it twice..
    Guy: Awww come on man, it's date night come see it with me!!
    Me:Alright...



    Me:MAN! the movie started 45mins ago. I've been standing outside the theatre like a reject for a movie I didn't even want to see!
    Guy: Don't be so pissed off man, what's your issue?
    Me: You're an hour late!
    Guy: I don't know why, your in such a bad mood about this, your acting like a drama queen
    Me: This isn't going to work in any way good bye, I'm going home don't call me again
    Guy: That's it? Really, your giving up on me? No going back for sex?
    Me: Yes..bye! and that wasn't going to happen anyway
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 12, 2011 12:50 AM GMT
    dopitt saidYou can also join a gay running, biking, etc. club to meet people. You may not find a boyfriend there but you can make plenty of friends who will at least introduce you to others and allow you to meet some quality people.


    I support this message. I play in a few gay sports leagues and I've made some great friends. I'm not actively looking to date, but I have friends from the leagues who want to hook me up with their friends so it's quite possible.

    wolverinecub86I don't like to play games and I'm pretty honest and straightforward with my intentions, feelings, faults and strengths. And I don't think I'm clingy or desperate to send 1 txt the next day and if they do think that, then screw them, if I like them I want to show it, not play games.


    Get out of my head!

    The most important thing is to be true to yourself. While what you described happens far too common in the gay scene and "it is how the game is played," there are genuine guys out there who aren't out to play games and are truly interested in meeting people. I wish you the best of luck. icon_biggrin.gif

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    Aug 12, 2011 1:05 AM GMT
    I had a paid membership to match com for 3 months. Most of the profiles have old pics or not updated. Most didn't pay a membership fee so they couldn't send or receive mail. Most also had profiles on manhunt, grindr and the other sites out there. in 3 months I received mail from 3 guys. all 3 appeared interested and emailed me 3 to 4 times. I then sent them my number told them to feel free to call if they wanted too meet for coffee or drinks. Never heard back from any of them after that. Ive talked with others that tried match com with the same results.
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    Aug 12, 2011 1:15 AM GMT
    wolverinecub86 saidPlease help. Also I know grindr doesn't have the most reliable people, but I honestly don't know how else to meet gay guys. I can only really go out once a week to clubs, and the music is too Loud to talk, so I am at a loss.

    Here's what worked for me, when I came out very late. I don't know if you can recreate these same circumstances, or want to.

    I went onto a local dial-up BBS social site for men in 1995. One of the guys there was gay. Over several months I saw he was bright, erudite, with superb writing skills (smarter than all the straight guys, actually). He really impressed me.

    Finally I e-mailed him that I believed I was gay myself, and needed guidance. He agreed to become my "mentor" and instruct me. (He had a BF, this wasn't about sex, nor did we ever have sex together all the years I was to know him).

    He'd take me to gay clubs, both loud & quiet, teach me about the community. He took me to gay house parties, helped me to start networking. And by day we did charity work for the HIV/AIDS community (he was poz himself), something I still do today.

    You're trying to date. What you need is a gay teacher, a mentor like I had. I didn't even try dating until I had completed several months of instruction & observation, precisely because I was a late bloomer, and had to unlearn as much as I had to learn. Trust me, I really am that patient & methodical.

    But I think it served me well. A few dating misfires over the years, they are inevitable. But I'm confident I can now navigate the gay scene as successfully as anyone, a skill set you may lack at present. But Grindr? You'll learn nothing from that, except to distrust other gays, not the lesson you want.
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    Aug 12, 2011 1:25 AM GMT
    DrobUA saidOnline Dating Sucks


    What he said. But unfortunately it's my only method of trying to meet guys I'm interested in.

    I found a guy a few weeks back and he was amazing...but lived on the other side of the world....

    I don't know what to do anymore haha, just keep smilin. I'm layin off the dating radar for a little while I think
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    Aug 12, 2011 2:23 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the wise words and wishes of luck. If only you knew that I drowned my sorrows in a quick hookup after the gym today. Was a tad disappointing but not terrible. How I hate the words "r u close" its like dude its been 15 minutes... and we didn't do any anal so its like 15 mins of bjs, hjs, making out, ect. Luckily he lasted until I was rdy, but this just goes to show me even more how bad hookups r to, what I imagine, relationship sex must b like.


    Back on topic
    I think joining some sort of league or gay club sounds like a good idea, I just hope I can find a group that fits my schedule lol.

    And as for grindr, I think ill keep it. It got me 2 non flaked out on dates and that's 2 more than I have gotten from any other means. Plus just cuz I want to experience a relationship and love and all that comes with it, it doesn't mean I'm against sex ; )
  • UnluckyTitan

    Posts: 106

    Aug 12, 2011 3:03 AM GMT
    I'd say find gay friends first. You're going to need them when that first boy breaks your heart.
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    Aug 12, 2011 3:15 AM GMT
    It's not a gay thing. It's more like a male thing (ask women). That's why I've stopped looking or being open to dating until I feel that I really want to go out there.

    Little boys are not man enough to tell u the truth instead of leading u on, so they rat out.

    So many boys, so few men.
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 1492

    Aug 12, 2011 5:43 AM GMT
    Two of my four relationships started on Match.
    I only had two bad experiences out of approximately 40 dates.
    About 20 were mutually forgettable...no expectations..nothing lost.
    Approx 10 liked me but I didn't feel the same, and around 10 went the other way.
    A few wound up in bed and we both knew it was a one off. It certainly wasn't a pattern.
    A few led to 2nd and 3rd dates before knowing it wasn't going to work.
    I never took it too seriously; just hoped for the best. Overall, I'd say it was fun and would add it to the mix if I were looking again.