Not sure where relationship is heading

  • anysound

    Posts: 11

    Aug 15, 2011 2:39 PM GMT
    I've been with my bf for over a year now and over the past few months I've been thinking a lot about the relationship.
    There's a few things in particular that are disturbing me:

    - We NEVER kiss with tongue anymore. Honestly can't remember when was the last time.

    - - Im a top and my bF won't bottom, says it hurts too much. So for our entire relationship it's basically involved me getting head or jacking off. He won't let me blow him. Pretty unsatisfied sexually. I actually felt weird and went soft last time he was giving me head.

    - I hooked up with someone else a few months back. It was my first 'fuck' in a long time. I have these crazy urges to top. Crazy gay hormones or whatever. Basically

    -I really want to travel but he says it will take him a long time to save. I wanna go within next year but every time i bring it up he sorta doesn't take it seriously.

    - we don't spend as much time as we used to with each other and IM OK with that, but in the past i used to be happy to spend every day together.

    -we are both 23.

    I feel like im in a rut and not sure what to do.
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    Aug 15, 2011 3:10 PM GMT
    anysound saidI've been with my bf for over a year now and over the past few months I've been thinking a lot about the relationship.
    There's a few things in particular that are disturbing me:

    - We NEVER kiss with tongue anymore. Honestly can't remember when was the last time.

    - - Im a top and my bF won't bottom, says it hurts too much. So for our entire relationship it's basically involved me getting head or jacking off. He won't let me blow him. Pretty unsatisfied sexually. I actually felt weird and went soft last time he was giving me head.

    - I hooked up with someone else a few months back. It was my first 'fuck' in a long time. I have these crazy urges to top. Crazy gay hormones or whatever. Basically

    -I really want to travel but he says it will take him a long time to save. I wanna go within next year but every time i bring it up he sorta doesn't take it seriously.

    - we don't spend as much time as we used to with each other and IM OK with that, but in the past i used to be happy to spend every day together.

    -we are both 23.

    I feel like im in a rut and not sure what to do.


    Either have a very serious discussion with him about your wants and needs and make sure he starts to take them seriously - or, to quote Dan Savage, DTMFA. You are very young and you've only been attached for a year. It should still be the honeymoon phase. If you're not compatible now, it's not likely to get better.
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Aug 15, 2011 3:14 PM GMT
    I say end it. You sound extremely unhappy and horny.
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    Aug 15, 2011 3:14 PM GMT
    You and your boyfriend have drifted apart. I went through a similar experience with my ex-boyfriend. I wasn't satisfied sexually at all because of our different tastes, and the relationship took on a Platonic feeling---so chemistry anymore.

    You should have a talk with your boyfriend to see how he feels about things. It may be that the relationship has run its natural course and now it's time to move on.

    You might want to take "a break" from each other. Give each other a few months off from the relationship. You can both decide on the rules---if you can date again, hook up, etc., or maybe both of you should just concentrate on yourselves for a month.

    My ex and I did the same thing per the advice of my therapist who we both spoke to towards the end of our relationship. She suggested the "break" and interestingly enough it was an easy decision once we figured out that's what we both wanted. The break became permanent and both my ex and I do not regret breaking up.
  • zenmonkie

    Posts: 228

    Aug 15, 2011 3:20 PM GMT
    So, you're both sexually unsatisfied, not in tune with each other's needs or wants and you cheated on him. I would say it's already over, even if you haven't been found out.
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    Aug 15, 2011 3:32 PM GMT
    I think it's natural for a couple to have a bit of ebb and flow sexually and also just in terms of spending time with each other (e.g. sometimes you want to spend all your time together, sometimes it's nice to have your own space) but that usually kicks in after a few years, not 1 year in - you're not happy with your sex life, you have different goals (you want to travel and he's not keen) and you're not spending as much time together as the relationship has progressed when usually it would be the reverse.

    I say you sit down and have The Talk and say that you don't feel happy in the relationship and if you want to continue then some things will need to change. If that's not possible then it might be time to go your separate ways.
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    Aug 15, 2011 3:40 PM GMT
    It doesn't sound like you're having your needs met. Not just sexually but in the core of the relationship. I'd say talk about it but it seems like the relationship has run it's course.
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    Aug 15, 2011 3:45 PM GMT
    If your sexually unsatisfied than the relationship is not going to progress. Sex is not the only thing in a relationship but it is an important thing. So if you two are not sexually compatible than there isn't much room for progress.
  • anysound

    Posts: 11

    Aug 15, 2011 4:03 PM GMT
    Do you think the whole sex thing would fix everything?
  • shoelessj

    Posts: 511

    Aug 15, 2011 4:26 PM GMT
    i agree with almost everyone here. You need to have that talk with him. Sex may not be everything, but if it is causing this much strife with you yourself, it deserves to be addressed. But i also agree that maybe something else is happening here -- do you guys communicate much about other things, or at all? I would like to know what is it about this guy and this relationship that keeps you from walking away from it -- are there any good things? Despite the sex, (or lack thereof) do you feel you two are soul mates? That this is THE one?

    Bottom line, i think, is that you are very young still, and if you got out of this relationship, even though you've put more than a year into it, the possibilities for you to find someone more compatible are almost endless. You shouldn't be going thru this sort of pain, especially when it seems it doesn't bother him. Good luck, and stay well.
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    Aug 17, 2011 2:36 PM GMT
    Sounds like your journey together has run its course and your relationship is running out of gas. Give it one last shot and see if you can salvage it. Relationships should be satisfying and mutually affirming. When it becomes too difficult, tortuous, or unsatisfying, it's time to let go and move on. Trust your gut and ask yourself this question: Am I better off with him or without him? If you are certain that you can bear facing every day without him in your life, then you must say goodbye and find someone else who can make you truly happy. Good luck.