My gay bestfriend and competition?

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    May 03, 2008 6:57 PM GMT
    Ok so basically I got a gay best friend. We been friends only since last semester but we really relate and talk alot. He's also attractive, which I'm not used to having attractive gay guy best friends. Anyway we discussed how we are competitive with each other in strength,skills,talents, basically anything which doesn't so much bother me till it comes to guys. He brought it to my attention that he feels more guys would be more into me then him and this makes him feel inadequate ect. I honestly don't know why he feels this way, because he always gets attention when he goes out. Also I felt this same similar way towards him, I just never cared as much about it until I started to feel as though it was becoming competitive. Basically its been making my self esteem drop considerably , and it seems to be making him feel the same. Its like if one of us goes out and gets more attention then the other that night the other guy feels like crap. This alsoswitches off and on. He is newer to the scene and tends to go after guys that are interested in me which is kind of annoying. Since my approach is more laid back, where anyone shows him attention and he goes full throtle ahead it seems. Since this has been going on I've felt unattractive and empty at points. I think part of it too I feel this way is because I originally liked him, but he was unwilling to settle for one guy since he just came out and hes getting all the guys he can.

    I was just curious what I should do? How do I keep a stable self esteem/healthy friendship in a situation like this?
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    May 03, 2008 7:45 PM GMT
    I've had one of those before. I say call him on it. Jokingly ask why does he always hit on your guys. Even if it's just in a kidding way, you're letting him know that you know that somethings up. There's always a small fraction of truth when someone says "just kidding."
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    May 03, 2008 8:17 PM GMT
    Wow, what a great friend.

    Either you need to part ways or he needs to grow up.

    You may also try a dibs system, and just between the two of you declare some guy yours... but thats really lame, and only attempts to help cope with the fact that your friend is acting like a high school girl who just discovered boys.

    Perhaps I'm taking it a bit rough, but thats my opinion.
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    May 03, 2008 8:55 PM GMT
    when so much of our value as gay men rests on how many other gay men we can net, it's easy to understand why you would both SEEM to undermine each other. honestly, i've been in your situation, where a good gay friend is awesome til we go out together...

    this is what i did that helped me: we made it clear how much we respected each other, agreed that friendship is more lasting than sex/boyfriends/fuckbuddies, agreed to be honest about other guys, and agreed to back off at the slightest hint from the other that a line was getting crossed.

    it worked well for us, and in fact we ended up helping each other alot. we were very different physical types, so when someone was too shy to approach the one they preferred they'd talk to the other. we gave each other good references icon_twisted.gif

    anyway, that's one possibility. you could agree to just not go out to the same places on the same nights. you have to find what will work as a compromise or synergy for your particular situation.
  • joeindallas

    Posts: 484

    May 04, 2008 1:58 PM GMT
    Since he is newer on the scene he might feel unsure about approaching men. Part of our societization where approaching men if a man is awkward. Sit him down and talk to him about it. He might not realize how hard you are taking it.
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    May 04, 2008 2:24 PM GMT
    winningelevenyour friend is acting like a high school girl who just discovered boys.


    ...I couldn't agree more. Which is pretty normal for someone just coming out. I've had a couple friends like this (not best friends) and have always just brushed it off as such.

    I'd think you'd need to learn to do the same and not let it bother you if you're going to go out with him. Let me ask, does he even know he's doing it? Is it deliberate or is he just pretty much all over the place?

    At least if it's innocent and he's just intensely insecure, it's easier to deal with. If he's doing it on purpose - then you need to kick his ass. lol cause that's just not cool.

    Annoying as it may be, at least you know if he's able to take a guys attention from you then that guy really wasn't worth it to begin with. I've run across this when guys start talking to me when I go out. Sometimes another guy (stranger) will attempt to pull him away from me. Sometimes they succeed, sometimes they don't. The times they do I just think to myself, "well then he clearly wasn't as interested as he said... better to know now. NEXT!" haha.

    As far as you are concerned, don't let it get to you. You're pretty stunning in my opinion, and have no foundation for being insecure as far as I can see/read. Just an FYI - your friend would not be able to pull me away from talking to you icon_wink.gif

    Talk to him, definitely. Take it from there.
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    May 04, 2008 2:30 PM GMT
    Well at least you've both acknowledge this "competitive" nature you share. Now it's time to LET IT GO or unfortunately that friendship isn't going to last much longer. The best thing you've got going right now is all this open communication. Thats a good thing. Now take it one step further and why don't you establish a no competition rule?

    Once you've clearly established the no competition rule with your buddy he won't be blatantly hitting on the new hot guy you've met. No matter how hot he is your friend will know that shit isn't played and likewise you will respect his new discoveries as well. If you both eye the same guy at the same time all I can suggest is you be the bigger guy in that situation and step back and go work the room on your own and don't give it a second thought.

    Many close friends do this when going out. They hang with each other for a bit during the evening but also take a step back from one another and do some window shopping, site seeing or healthy flirting with others on their own for a bit.

    Something to remember: Never deify a complete stranger to the point where that stranger suddenly becomes the be all end all catch of the night. Be realistic. There is another hot one right around the corner. And another one and another and so on.

    Hope it all works out but honestly... You've got to let this competitive nature go or this friendship is doomed. There's way too much competition out there with strangers. Who wants to be competing with their best friend as well? Tell him you are his friend not his competition. A true friend is hard to find so please don't let competing for a complete stranger destroy it.

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    May 04, 2008 3:33 PM GMT
    gettoknowit saidI think both of you just need to work the runway, and be in magazines.



    Like "ime walking down the street with my Nike's on" ?????


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    May 04, 2008 8:51 PM GMT
    Thanks for all your responses. We have talked about the competition thing multiple times. It doesn't bother me about if other people get his attention or whatever. I don't mind going home without numbers, I'm not really into the whole meat cycle anyway. It just bothers me when I feel hes disrespecting me which is quite often when we go out. I guess part of it is also that we do fool around and it kind of makes things more complicated. So I guess its multiple feelings going on at once, part of me feels as though I may be not holding myself to a higher standard which is making me unhappy. Perhaps I feel used or something.

    I do agree with your comments though. I'm not totally sure what I'm going to do yet. It does kind of seem though as soon as a new guy catches his eye hes off and pretty much tosses me to the side. Which even if we weren't more then just friends I would find rude and I would never do that to a friend especially a best friend, so I find it hard to see whats going through his head.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    May 04, 2008 9:10 PM GMT
    jlk7jester saidThanks for all your responses. We have talked about the competition thing multiple times. It doesn't bother me about if other people get his attention or whatever. I don't mind going home without numbers, I'm not really into the whole meat cycle anyway. It just bothers me when I feel hes disrespecting me which is quite often when we go out. I guess part of it is also that we do fool around and it kind of makes things more complicated. So I guess its multiple feelings going on at once, part of me feels as though I may be not holding myself to a higher standard which is making me unhappy. Perhaps I feel used or something.

    I do agree with your comments though. I'm not totally sure what I'm going to do yet. It does kind of seem though as soon as a new guy catches his eye hes off and pretty much tosses me to the side. Which even if we weren't more then just friends I would find rude and I would never do that to a friend especially a best friend, so I find it hard to see whats going through his head.


    so now it comes out that you guys fool around? that opens up a whole new bag of worms... if you are good friends, and you guys mess around, why not just be bfs? if not, this just sounds like a toxic situation.
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    May 04, 2008 9:28 PM GMT
    I'd be very very wary if I were you. Loyalty means a lot to me in a friend and your guy doesn't sound loyal at all. I've been trying to make more gay friends recently and have been a little more lenient than usual - and became close with someone that exhibited similar behavior to what you've described. He eventually went a little bit crazy and we had a fall-out conversation where he was doing everything in his power to undermine and belittle me. It's no coincidence that he did this on the heels of my meeting someone who was very hot and mutually interested. I don't want to victimize myself - I saw the signs from far away and I should have been more assertive about what I would or would not tolerate - but it did leave a sour taste in my mouth. I've learned recently that he's amenable to reconciliation - and it's tempting because we were good friends - but the fall-out left such a bitter taste in my mouth. It's hard to trust people who seem at least somewhat invested in sabotaging you. It's kind of like - if you don't feel safe, what's the point?
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    May 04, 2008 9:31 PM GMT
    jlk7jester saidI guess part of it is also that we do fool around and it kind of makes things more complicated.


    icon_eek.gif

    That's a pretty crucial part of your story, lol. Ofcourse this is going to upset you. icon_sad.gif
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    May 04, 2008 9:39 PM GMT
    Yeah I guess it is pretty crucial. I guess because I we don't do it all the time. I don't know. I have no problem not fooling around with him, I don't feel I'm in love with him or anything but I do have feelings for him. I do see what your saying.. I just am at a loss for words on the situation. One of the main reasons we aren't bfs is because he doesn't want to be exclusive to one guy since he is just newer to the situation. Also honestly after the things hes done I could see it feeling 100x worse if he did something like that if I was in a relationship with him.