Many will show the way after the ox-cart has overturned - a Turkish proverb

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 16, 2011 1:16 AM GMT
    I am finally dating again. This has been properly vetted for long term and monogamous relationship compatibility material, devolving eventually into a house in the suburbs with matching his and his SUVs in the driveway and three King Charles Cavaliers frolicking in the backyard. We are both spoiled private school kids; international backgrounds; both out; both respect and admire the others' career choices/schooling pedigree. This is about as perfect as I have ever found for me.

    Any advice on how not to screw this up?

    I am somewhat of a "mess" as you might call it:

    I have not been on a date in one year.
    I have not really ever been in a relationship before.
    I bypassed the hookup phase and am not supremely confident in my sexual abilities or worthiness.
    I am recovering from cancer, which he is fully aware of, but I am not exactly in the shape to go run a marathon or lift a car over my head tonight, things I typically associate as making you worthy of attention.
    I go to RJ for help since my platonic gay friends would likely say "you can do better" and they would be messaging him on facebook within the minute; my straight friends would say being different religions is incompatible, yet they go home to their opposite sex spouse who is a different religion than they were raised. I need new friends, as an aside.

    So any advice at all. How did you avoid the ox-cart overturning if you are in a decent relationship still? Or if your ox-cart overturned, what do you caution the young ones about? Caution me good and hard!
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    Aug 16, 2011 4:20 AM GMT
    I love your posts. I go to RJ too to ask all the things I can't ask other people. You seem much more mature and intelligent than most people and probably know what advice you will get.

    Nothing out that list sounds like too much of a mess. While a vast number of people on RealJock might project differently, a lot of people are not very experienced in bed and don't have a herd of boyfriends or hookups lined up. You will not believe how awkward it was to be in bed with my partner early on. You will learn what he likes, and he will learn what you like.

    While I'm not the best person to give relationship advice, I have managed to chain a man to my bed for the last couple of years. Don't worry too much. Go slow and steady. Don't throw yourself at him. Keep some secrets to yourself and he will follow you to know them. Develop confidence about yourself, he won't be able to resist. Be sweet and congenial, but not everything you feel about him needs to be said. Listen and pay attention to him. Make him happy and make him feel welcome.

    Be realistic. Realize you won't be able to change his habits. It's taken me a lot of years to understand this. But don't let him walk over you. The tongue has no bones. You won't be able to compromise on everything, just somethings and they will become important.

    And last of all, another Turkish proverb: There's no rose without a thorn.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Aug 16, 2011 5:00 AM GMT
    How not to screw it up...I wish I knew the answer to that. The best I can say is to be yourself and don't try to be something different to try and match what you perceive to be his "ideal" guy. As hard as it is, just take things one day at a time and treat him in the same manner with which you would like to be treated. If all of that occurs it will be if it is meant to be.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Aug 16, 2011 5:19 AM GMT
    Just live it.

    You are more than obviously qualified and if your life does not motivate you, what will?

    Happy for both you and the lucky guy.
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    Aug 16, 2011 5:46 AM GMT
    spaghettimonster> I am not exactly in the shape to go run a marathon or lift a car over my head tonight, things I typically associate as making you worthy of attention.

    Let's face it. You'll likely never be able to do either of those.
    I'm guessing he can't either - and that you don't care.
    So if he cares that you can't, obviously he's not the right person for you.
    (Have him go look in the zoo for some gorilla.)

    Caution? One day at a time for now.
    Sure, peek forward some. Have hopes and dreams.

    Just because you both went to private school, international backgrounds, etc., makes the relationship good on paper - not necessarily in real life. It can be the supporting cast, but won't steal the show or substitute for the main act.

    Regarding the cart, on any long road there will be bumps. Discussion before the fact may avoid some. Others you won't see till after they hit. A relationship is every bit how you deal with such challenges as it is about the white picket fence. Some bumps in the road (or thorns) may even over-turn the cart. That doesn't mean there's a fork in the road and you have to split up. Just means that you have to know how to pick up the pieces and keep on going.

    Congrats, and good luck with it!
    (And even if it doesn't work, that doesn't mean you screwed it up.)
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 1492

    Aug 16, 2011 5:57 AM GMT
    Remind yourself periodically, that you are dating, not getting married. You'll avoid scaring him off. You'll have more fun and less stress. And, you'll spare your heart if he's not the perfect one after all.

    Dating to me, implies plural; meeting a number of guys; gauging compatibility; taking your time; eventually focusing on one guy. Just focusing on one guy right off, like you are doing, is good too. But, base the decision on more than what you opened with in your post.

    None of those things seems remotely important to a good relationship. Perhaps an initial attraction; but that's about it. I hope this one works out for you and you live the life you dreamed of. But we know life takes unexpected detours and you just have to go with the flow.

    If you do find yourself looking again, maybe widen the dating pool a bit. Someone from way beyond your world may catch your eye. He may take you down a totally different path than the one you have already planned. What if a hot, talented, game designer, who never went to college, told you you were the sexiest boy he's ever seen?

    I told you more than you asked for because I thought it was relevant to what I was reading between the lines. My first paragraph more directly answers your question. Don't worry about sex. It's important, but you can learn quickly. Tell your man you are inexperienced to avoid any embarrassing or frustrating moments.

    What an exciting time for you. I hope it's exhilarating, and satisfying, and fingers crossed, enduring.
    peace.
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    Aug 16, 2011 1:40 PM GMT


    "I bypassed the hookup phase and am not supremely confident in my sexual abilities or worthiness."

    It's not necessary; you build each other up.

    "How did you avoid the ox-cart overturning if you are in a decent relationship still?"

    Always remember, with all your senses, what you first saw/felt/touched/smelled/tasted in each other.

    Here, two old faves:




    It has begun
    theres nothin' in the world can stop it now.
    It's in control,
    We might as well just try to stop the wind.
    so give up!
    Give in!
    You lose!
    Love will always win.
    Start surrendering:
    Stop resisting!

    Nothin' you can do about it
    It's too strong to be denied
    Nothin' you can do about it,
    Relax enjoy the ride.

    Destiny!
    We are what fate intended us to be.
    what can't you see?
    We're all a part of some eternal plan
    So give up!
    Give in!
    You lose!
    Love will always win.
    Start surrendering, oh!
    Stop resisting!

    Nothin' you can do about it
    It's too strong to be denied
    Nothin' you can do about it,
    Relax enjoy the ride.

    Don't you try to understand it.
    Leave it as a mystery.
    bigger than the both of us
    We're- each other's history!

    Nothin' you can do about it
    It's too strong to be denied
    Nothin' you can do about it,
    Relax enjoy the ride.




  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 16, 2011 2:52 PM GMT
    To quote RuPaul: Don't fuck it up!

    Seriously, that's the best advice I can give you. Listen to your friends, but don't let them dictate what you do with your life. Go into it with open eyes, but don't over-analyze things. Give him the benefit of the doubt, but don't let him walk all over you. Spend plenty of time together, but don't smother him.

    Basically, just BE - be present in your life and in the relationship - meaning listen to him, your head and your heart, all three, and give it the chance to be whatever it can be. And enjoy. This is supposed to be fun! You will run the risk that it doesn't work out - most relationships don't - but you'll never know unless you give it your best.

    Hugs.
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    Aug 16, 2011 3:17 PM GMT


    Lots of hard work and even more compromise.

    You as an individual should not be the same you in a relationship. let go of parts of yourself and let him fill the voids. He should do the same.

    Competition is detrimental to a relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 16, 2011 4:09 PM GMT
    Figure out your role in the relationship quickly, get comfortable in it. When it gets uncomfortable, adjust the pillows till you can snuggle back in.
    When he pisses you off look straight into his soul and remember how much you love him.
    Oh...and kiss; often and long.
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    Aug 16, 2011 10:37 PM GMT
    There is some amazing advice in here. I sincerely thank you all equally for sharing, advising, and joining in the discussion - just in case it looks like I give anyone's post short shrift by quoting/response - I appreciate the time you all took! icon_smile.gif


    carminea saidI love your posts. I go to RJ too to ask all the things I can't ask other people. You seem much more mature and intelligent than most people and probably know what advice you will get.

    Nothing out that list sounds like too much of a mess. While a vast number of people on RealJock might project differently, a lot of people are not very experienced in bed and don't have a herd of boyfriends or hookups lined up. You will not believe how awkward it was to be in bed with my partner early on. You will learn what he likes, and he will learn what you like.

    While I'm not the best person to give relationship advice, I have managed to chain a man to my bed for the last couple of years. Don't worry too much. Go slow and steady. Don't throw yourself at him. Keep some secrets to yourself and he will follow you to know them. Develop confidence about yourself, he won't be able to resist. Be sweet and congenial, but not everything you feel about him needs to be said. Listen and pay attention to him. Make him happy and make him feel welcome.

    Be realistic. Realize you won't be able to change his habits. It's taken me a lot of years to understand this. But don't let him walk over you. The tongue has no bones. You won't be able to compromise on everything, just somethings and they will become important.

    And last of all, another Turkish proverb: There's no rose without a thorn.


    He came into my life at a funny period where I felt completely destroyed and literally had just had the mass cut out of my body. We have some mutual friends so he has heard stories of how "confident" I used to be before all of this - but he also took the time to get to know me and he constantly says my surgery wound is not that disgusting. I think unfortunately most of the cats I did not need to let fly from the bag have already come out - I thanked him a million times for checking in on me when I was not well and I informed him that a text message from him was the best part of my day (which was true,) just as two examples. <3 the Turkish proverb hat tip to close out your post. You have some very sage advice icon_smile.gif

    waccamatt saidHow not to screw it up...I wish I knew the answer to that. The best I can say is to be yourself and don't try to be something different to try and match what you perceive to be his "ideal" guy. As hard as it is, just take things one day at a time and treat him in the same manner with which you would like to be treated. If all of that occurs it will be if it is meant to be.


    I think the reason why he and I work so instantly well is that we are kind of are the same person - and all along we have been trying to date ourselves. A lot of people would instantly say "Narcissist!" - but just like me, he has spent a lot of nights alone studying and researching, and you get to know yourself very well during those most stressful times when you are alone with your thoughts and twentieth Red Bull of the week. I think I just know how I am assembled better than a newer or more shiny model. Very, very good point you made to treat others as you want to be treated - that is a very strong ethos and why I do so much community service. No man is above the law is the boring part of the quotation - no man is below the law is the important part! icon_smile.gif

    jprichva saidOkay, you went to Dalton. This means you've been surrounded by hyper-competitive people your entire life. Perhaps you're that way too.

    It's not a competition anymore. You like this guy, he likes you. It doesn't matter if there's someone out there with even more pedigree than he has; what matters is that this guy is good enough in every way that matters to you. Stop comparing.

    And stop comparing yourself to what you think he or anyone else wants. You're smart, you're cute, who cares if you can't lift a car? I can't either. Like yourself more.

    There are things about living in Manhattan that I miss (I left 17 years ago) but this isn't one of them.


    Before cancer I used to be hyper-competitive about who was the most competitive in the room. I have calmed down considerably recently and I like this version of myself much better. This version of myself did not repel someone I think very highly of. Old me probably would have had him sprinting.

    LJay saidJust live it.

    You are more than obviously qualified and if your life does not motivate you, what will?

    Happy for both you and the lucky guy.


    I always worry about the qualifications aspect - the way some of my gay friends talk it is all about sex and characteristics that I don't remember being able to select or modify before I was born. It is scary the way they talk and they are not the only ones. I am the Charlotte/Carrie/Miranda monster hybrid of the group and somehow I only have Samanthas for friends. How did that work out?!?! icon_lol.gif But it seems like he is just like me, he actually genuinely wanted to get to know me ... to know me.

    11337S saidhmmm... well, from that proverb, it seems the way would only be shown to you after your cart overturns.. is it me? or did i interpret that proverb slightly different than the op intended?


    There is no absolutely right or wrong to interpret it. It was intended to have a dual meaning that my own ox-cart overturned in the past and I am back on the road again so I know what I did wrong; I also am soliciting the help of others whose ox-cart overturned in my new situation (something hopefully serious and marriage-ish at the end of the day) or who avoided the pitfalls of overturning the ox-cart on the road to monogamy long term land

    Caesarea4 saidspaghettimonster> I am not exactly in the shape to go run a marathon or lift a car over my head tonight, things I typically associate as making you worthy of attention.

    Let's face it. You'll likely never be able to do either of those.
    I'm guessing he can't either - and that you don't care.
    So if he cares that you can't, obviously he's not the right person for you.
    (Have him go look in the zoo for some gorilla.)

    Caution? One day at a time for now.
    Sure, peek forward some. Have hopes and dreams.

    Just because you both went to private school, international backgrounds, etc., makes the relationship good on paper - not necessarily in real life. It can be the supporting cast, but won't steal the show or substitute for the main act.

    Regarding the cart, on any long road there will be bumps. Discussion before the fact may avoid some. Others you won't see till after they hit. A relationship is every bit how you deal with such challenges as it is about the white picket fence. Some bumps in the road (or thorns) may even over-turn the cart. That doesn't mean there's a fork in the road and you have to split up. Just means that you have to know how to pick up the pieces and keep on going.

    Congrats, and good luck with it!
    (And even if it doesn't work, that doesn't mean you screwed it up.)


    You are spot on about problems. Temperament has a lot to do with it though, he and I both "let's talk" kind of people rather than throwing a plate or getting stabby.

    break for second post ...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 16, 2011 10:46 PM GMT
    Merhaba(hello), dosstum(friend):

    Just be yourself.....

    Sagol(thank you)icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 16, 2011 10:48 PM GMT
    wild_sky360 saidRemind yourself periodically, that you are dating, not getting married. You'll avoid scaring him off. You'll have more fun and less stress. And, you'll spare your heart if he's not the perfect one after all.

    Dating to me, implies plural; meeting a number of guys; gauging compatibility; taking your time; eventually focusing on one guy. Just focusing on one guy right off, like you are doing, is good too. But, base the decision on more than what you opened with in your post.

    None of those things seems remotely important to a good relationship. Perhaps an initial attraction; but that's about it. I hope this one works out for you and you live the life you dreamed of. But we know life takes unexpected detours and you just have to go with the flow.

    If you do find yourself looking again, maybe widen the dating pool a bit. Someone from way beyond your world may catch your eye. He may take you down a totally different path than the one you have already planned. What if a hot, talented, game designer, who never went to college, told you you were the sexiest boy he's ever seen?

    I told you more than you asked for because I thought it was relevant to what I was reading between the lines. My first paragraph more directly answers your question. Don't worry about sex. It's important, but you can learn quickly. Tell your man you are inexperienced to avoid any embarrassing or frustrating moments.

    What an exciting time for you. I hope it's exhilarating, and satisfying, and fingers crossed, enduring.
    peace.


    He and I both talked about this: we really only meet and talk with one person at a time to gauge suitability. Nobody else I have ever met was like that. It usually is a dealbreaker if the other person is sampling all of the gelato flavors rather than choosing to take home a gallon of one flavor. For the record, nobody has ever called me "sexy" when it wasn't (a) a joke or (b) from a troll in a dark, dank, and dirty gay who was trying to get my pants off without even buying me a drink. I still worry about the "inexperienced" conversation - it's like admitting I lied on resume where I said I knew Klingon and someone finally called me out on it in a way that could prove I was just grunting and pointing at things.

    meninlove said

    "I bypassed the hookup phase and am not supremely confident in my sexual abilities or worthiness."

    It's not necessary; you build each other up.

    "How did you avoid the ox-cart overturning if you are in a decent relationship still?"

    Always remember, with all your senses, what you first saw/felt/touched/smelled/tasted in each other.

    Here, two old faves:




    It has begun
    theres nothin' in the world can stop it now.
    It's in control,
    We might as well just try to stop the wind.
    so give up!
    Give in!
    You lose!
    Love will always win.
    Start surrendering:
    Stop resisting!

    Nothin' you can do about it
    It's too strong to be denied
    Nothin' you can do about it,
    Relax enjoy the ride.

    Destiny!
    We are what fate intended us to be.
    what can't you see?
    We're all a part of some eternal plan
    So give up!
    Give in!
    You lose!
    Love will always win.
    Start surrendering, oh!
    Stop resisting!

    Nothin' you can do about it
    It's too strong to be denied
    Nothin' you can do about it,
    Relax enjoy the ride.

    Don't you try to understand it.
    Leave it as a mystery.
    bigger than the both of us
    We're- each other's history!

    Nothin' you can do about it
    It's too strong to be denied
    Nothin' you can do about it,
    Relax enjoy the ride.






    I was hoping you would post icon_biggrin.gif
    Very wise. He has already been a pretty big help in building me up. The next time he gets sick or sad I hope I can do as well as he has done for me.

    showme saidTo quote RuPaul: Don't fuck it up!

    Seriously, that's the best advice I can give you. Listen to your friends, but don't let them dictate what you do with your life. Go into it with open eyes, but don't over-analyze things. Give him the benefit of the doubt, but don't let him walk all over you. Spend plenty of time together, but don't smother him.

    Basically, just BE - be present in your life and in the relationship - meaning listen to him, your head and your heart, all three, and give it the chance to be whatever it can be. And enjoy. This is supposed to be fun! You will run the risk that it doesn't work out - most relationships don't - but you'll never know unless you give it your best.

    Hugs.


    Thank you <3
    I should BE more often. That is something I have needed to work on for a while. I want this one to work out, I will at least try to keep it going instead of many other almost-relationships I let die in my mind before I even asked him out.

    Thisuserexists said

    Lots of hard work and even more compromise.

    You as an individual should not be the same you in a relationship. let go of parts of yourself and let him fill the voids. He should do the same.

    Competition is detrimental to a relationship.


    This sounds like the changelings link in DS.9 icon_eek.gif
    but I could use some more "not me" in my life. Even if we are remarkably similar, I bet if I actually bounced ideas off of him we would not be 100% on the mark every time.

    dustin_K_tx saidFigure out your role in the relationship quickly, get comfortable in it. When it gets uncomfortable, adjust the pillows till you can snuggle back in.
    When he pisses you off look straight into his soul and remember how much you love him.
    Oh...and kiss; often and long.


    He has so many karma credits for being nice to me that he is going to need to do something horribly evil, like set my sofa on fire or smear ketchup on my Buzz Lightyear before I will get mad at him. Pretty much anything else he wants to do is okay right now icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 16, 2011 11:56 PM GMT
    I've only known you via the posts on this forum, but...

    Just be you, you seem interesting and mildly insightful, you seem to have a bit of a bubble in your personality which is always a good thing. Hold your head up high, you are worth more then you recognize and you are an equal to any man or woman.

    Now things may workout or they may not, but perhaps the more important thing is to think about having fun times with him (not sexual, but also sexual if you two are there) and finding a common ground for each other to rest on.

    Otherwise be open and nonjudgmental of him and his ideas, desires, aspirations and dreams
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    Aug 17, 2011 12:16 AM GMT
    As long as you both valiantly try to make each other happy and try as valiantly not to hurt each other, the apple-cart should not topple over. To know what makes the other happy or causes him pain you have to communicate. Often.

    Create an atmosphere where you trust each other, so either of you can bring up really intimate stuff, without fearing it to become public or an argument in the next fight.

  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 1492

    Aug 17, 2011 6:32 PM GMT
    What a thoughtful and well mannered reply, Spaghettimonster. I see that I've misinterpreted much in your original post. Now that you've fleshed out the story, I'd like to add / amend a few things.

    First off, your friends are sort of correct when they say, "you can do better"; but it's irrelevant. You always can, but you may never meet that elusive man in your lifetime. You have a keeper right now, and so does he.

    I was touched that he stayed by your side during what I hope will be the worst thing you ever have to go through. It speaks to character and eligibility, much more than the pedigree and resume you opened with. It was your emphasis on those points that concerned me initially.

    It was that erroneously perceived naivete, and impression that you two had just met, which prompted my cautionary reply. Overly dwelling on the perfection of your mate, sounds like a recipe for pain on many different levels. In this instance, though, his loyalty alone can trump a number of otherwise dealbreakers.

    As for sex, review your copy of the depositionicon_wink.gif
    If you haven't outright claimed to be the tiger in the bedroom, I think you can still claim inexperience. But seriously, I don't think patience will be an issue with a guy that saw you through such a rough time.

    Tell him upfront, if you feel you need a beginner's pass. Or, just trust your body and your instincts; perhaps after some research in the archives here, about the technical fine points.

    Ideally you want equilibrium, but I think it's ok to indulge your man's desires, a bit beyond yours, and vice versa. You should both be aware that it's occurring though. Don't be afraid to outright ask for what you want, no matter how oddly particular it may seem. It's a joy to give pleasure to someone you love. I'm glad you'll be experiencing that soon.
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    Aug 17, 2011 7:07 PM GMT
    think about all the ways you can srew things up and do it, then he will ike you even more.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 17, 2011 7:29 PM GMT
    step one, ignore all fantasies of a possible future. i hate it when guys project that and it's creepy. you have to learn to take people on their own terms and learn to just go with the flow of life. if it works out it does, if not then it doesn't. less dreaming and more reality.
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    Aug 17, 2011 7:32 PM GMT
    calibro saidstep one, ignore all fantasies of a possible future. i hate it when guys project that and it's creepy. you have to learn to take people on their own terms and learn to just go with the flow of life. if it works out it does, if not then it doesn't. less dreaming and more reality.


    i say less reality and more dreaming, forget out that guy and invent a better version of him in your mind, and live there, then forget out him and back to reality, or dreaming.
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    Aug 17, 2011 10:09 PM GMT
    The best way to screw things up is to focus on not screwing up. Be yourself and be present with the guy.
    If you're focused on what could go wrong, you'll miss out on the little moments (and some of the big ones) getting to know this guy. You could be obsessing over circumstances.

    Do you even like this guy? You went on and on about how right you two are for each other because you share similar backgrounds, but did not once mention that you even like this guy or that you have chemistry.
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    Aug 20, 2011 10:57 PM GMT
    Yes, I really do like him. He is smart, funny, nice, caring, he returns my phone calls, he makes me laugh, from the beginning he has always wished me getting better and a little stronger each day, he says good night/good morning, he tells good stories, and he smells good. He dresses way better than me, he is more outgoing, and a little more impulsive than me. We make a very good team together since we round each other out. He is also very attractive. I consider myself a regular five and a drunk six, but he is around a regular nine. I was pretty happy by myself being single until I met him. He reflects very well on me that I could not only start a conversation with him, but continue it, and convince him into going on dates. I instantly liked him and unlike every other guy I have ever met, I actually like him more the more we talk and spend time together. I am still surprised how true it was that when I stopped looking desperately for someone, I would finally meet someone worth my time.

    We have had two very good dates so far. We have a lot to talk about - plenty of things in common and just as many differences we are also talking about. He talked about his past few relationships. He has been in a lot more relationships than me. One of my friends, likely trying to already wedge his way in, claims that he has slept around a lot in "the community."

    At some point we are going to have to talk about the sex thing. When normal gays meet and want a relationship with the person because they like and admire them, at what point is talking about what you consider to be a fun PG-13 rated time/how many past partners there have been etc. appropriate to put on the table?

    At this point neither of us has disclosed anything adult - beyond applying simple gay stereotypes (I am older, taller, more hairy etc.) I don't even know what he likes. I have some dealbreakers - but I want to defer a conversation on it as long as possible, but the curious george in me wants to know if we are completely compatible before he starts getting introduced to my family.

    Wait for him to initiate that awkward turtle conversation ... or is there a better way to approach it? I just assume he is going to break first and want to talk since he, allegedly, has had a lot more sex this summer than I have had my entire life.
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    Aug 20, 2011 11:11 PM GMT
    spaghettimonster saidI am finally dating again. This has been properly vetted for long term and monogamous relationship compatibility material, devolving eventually into a house in the suburbs with matching his and his SUVs in the driveway and three King Charles Cavaliers frolicking in the backyard. We are both spoiled private school kids; international backgrounds; both out; both respect and admire the others' career choices/schooling pedigree. This is about as perfect as I have ever found for me.

    Any advice on how not to screw this up?

    I am somewhat of a "mess" as you might call it:

    I have not been on a date in one year.
    I have not really ever been in a relationship before.
    I bypassed the hookup phase and am not supremely confident in my sexual abilities or worthiness.
    I am recovering from cancer, which he is fully aware of, but I am not exactly in the shape to go run a marathon or lift a car over my head tonight, things I typically associate as making you worthy of attention.
    I go to RJ for help since my platonic gay friends would likely say "you can do better" and they would be messaging him on facebook within the minute; my straight friends would say being different religions is incompatible, yet they go home to their opposite sex spouse who is a different religion than they were raised. I need new friends, as an aside.

    So any advice at all. How did you avoid the ox-cart overturning if you are in a decent relationship still? Or if your ox-cart overturned, what do you caution the young ones about? Caution me good and hard!


    Take it easy and let it all happen naturally.
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    Aug 21, 2011 12:41 AM GMT
    GAMRican said
    spaghettimonster saidI am finally dating again. This has been properly vetted for long term and monogamous relationship compatibility material, devolving eventually into a house in the suburbs with matching his and his SUVs in the driveway and three King Charles Cavaliers frolicking in the backyard. We are both spoiled private school kids; international backgrounds; both out; both respect and admire the others' career choices/schooling pedigree. This is about as perfect as I have ever found for me.

    Any advice on how not to screw this up?

    I am somewhat of a "mess" as you might call it:

    I have not been on a date in one year.
    I have not really ever been in a relationship before.
    I bypassed the hookup phase and am not supremely confident in my sexual abilities or worthiness.
    I am recovering from cancer, which he is fully aware of, but I am not exactly in the shape to go run a marathon or lift a car over my head tonight, things I typically associate as making you worthy of attention.
    I go to RJ for help since my platonic gay friends would likely say "you can do better" and they would be messaging him on facebook within the minute; my straight friends would say being different religions is incompatible, yet they go home to their opposite sex spouse who is a different religion than they were raised. I need new friends, as an aside.

    So any advice at all. How did you avoid the ox-cart overturning if you are in a decent relationship still? Or if your ox-cart overturned, what do you caution the young ones about? Caution me good and hard!


    Take it easy and let it all happen naturally.


    I prefer the hands-on David Sedaris approach to taking someone desirable off of the market icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 23, 2011 11:46 AM GMT
    If party A is not exactly into a sexual encounter right then, party B is, it happens, and party A's performance is embarassingly bad: who bears the burden of responsibility? Party A for not refusing, or party B for still going after it?

    There were a lot of other things going on last night, he tried to salvage things (I think, as I replay the night,) but it is still my worry that it is all he needed to pick up and leave, he probably felt over-obligated because of the cancer and this has nothing to do with that so he could have a clear conscience.

    I don't know whether to apologize, joke about it, or get angry with him. I am leaning towards joking about it, if he brings it up, or just never bringing it up again if he ever calls me back.

    I went to RJ rather than consulting with my offline gay Yodas about how badly I likely ruined things since I should get laughed at less here and get more assistance icon_redface.gif
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    Aug 23, 2011 1:05 PM GMT
    Trollileo said
    spaghettimonster saidIf party A is not exactly into a sexual encounter right then, party B is, it happens, and party A's performance is embarassingly bad: who bears the burden of responsibility? Party A for not refusing, or party B for still going after it?

    There were a lot of other things going on last night, he tried to salvage things (I think, as I replay the night,) but it is still my worry that it is all he needed to pick up and leave, he probably felt over-obligated because of the cancer and this has nothing to do with that so he could have a clear conscience.

    I don't know whether to apologize, joke about it, or get angry with him. I am leaning towards joking about it, if he brings it up, or just never bringing it up again if he ever calls me back.

    I went to RJ rather than consulting with my offline gay Yodas about how badly I likely ruined things since I should get laughed at less here and get more assistance icon_redface.gif
    Have you ever tried not mentioning the cancer until later on? I'm not suggesting you sound pretentious or anything, but if I were to date a guy who had a previous hardship such as cancer and I knew about it I would probably act much differently around him on the first few dates just to make sure he feels extra special... I'm retarded like that, though.


    I do not think that is "retarded" but it likely does send mixed signals as your behavior and attitude seemingly change midstream. I'm hoping that's not what happened in my case. It is possible, just in my mind he would have kicked me out of his place rather than attempting to salvage it and let me sleep a few hours there.