What would you do with this guy?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2008 9:30 AM GMT
    I recently met another guy online who has moved to Stuttgart to work for six months. Because it can be difficult settling in here, I spent a day showing him the city and just generally helping to orient him to German culture. The first three months are usually a shock to anyone's system.

    Then I invited him to come along to gay night at the Spring Festival (Volksfest, Frulingsfest, etc... basically the springtime version of October Fest).

    Arriving there, I find out this is his first gay anything, ever. He had never seen gay people in public before, he's closeted at home, teaches Sunday school to children, and had never been drunk. The first liter of beer hit him pretty hard. Obviously conservative politics and unashamed of them, which he shouldn't have to be.

    We also stopped by a small gay bar after the fest closed and headed home. I'm fairly certain he had a good time and wants to see/do more, I just don't know if six much and my somewhat low enthusiasm for a new "project" will do him any good in the long run.

    Thoughts?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2008 2:32 PM GMT
    JustJohn,

    What's your interest in this? Are you just wanting to be a nice guy?

    Charlie
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2008 2:44 PM GMT
    Help him find his "gay legs" in the city and for himself and then let him go....well, I suspect you wont ahve to let him go....he will go on his own after one bite of the apple.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 04, 2008 2:46 PM GMT
    This is a very interesting thread. A couple of points here, since in some respects I can relate to this gentleman (but to a much lesser degree).

    You never gave the age of the individual, but I presume he is probably in his 30's or 40's.

    First, I think you need to realize you need to find your own comfort level with this. What I mean is do you feel you have developed some degree of responsibility for this gentleman? The answer should be no as this man should have enough of a grounded nature to be able to absorb these new experiences and analyze them reasonably.

    I remember in 2000 when I visited Church St. in Toronto. Fantastic experience and a long way from life in Kansas. Fortunately that and exposure following, were mostly very positive.

    You terming him a "project" doesn't sound very enthusiastic. What you need to remember is that these are life altering experiences to this man. What he does with them at the end of the 6 months is up to him. If you are going to "assist" him with this endevour, I would encourage you to educate him as to the potential and "very real" pitfalls of the environment. The Jeanie is out of the bottle... you should do what you can to see he has a good result.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2008 3:44 PM GMT
    I edited just to cut down on some of the bandwidth...

    Frank, "the guy," is 42 if I remember correctly. I really have no romantic interest, just wanted to be helpful and show him around. He actually contacted me through manhunt!

    I would still like to help him out and see him grow a bit while he's here and has the chance, I just din't realize until the night of the festival how closeted he really was. In fact I don't think I've ever met someone even close to similar circumstances. Because he's so involved with his church, it's very easy to see how someone like Ted Haggard could have developed. You can almost feel the effects of his repression uncorking while you talk to him.

    I don't feel particularly responsible for Frank but because we're both from the south and he never seems to have interacted with gay men for anything but sex, I think he is looking to me some sort of guidance. I remember attending my first gay event, Memorial Day Pensacola, and the overwhelming sense of liberation I felt when I discovered there were at least a few places in the world where gay people could express themselves openly. He's probably sitting at home catharting away this very minute but with the added strain of his religious convictions.

    I didn't mean "project" to sound denigrating, but I'm sure we'll end up doing at least a few more things together and I'm really torn over whether I should make the effort to show him more of "gay Germany" or just stick with Germany.


    HndsmKansan said
    You never gave the age of the individual, but I presume he is probably in his 30's or 40's.
    ---snip----
    First, I think you need to realize you need to find your own comfort level with this. What I mean is do you feel you have developed some degree of responsibility for this gentleman? The answer should be no as this man should have enough of a grounded nature to be able to absorb these new experiences and analyze them reasonably.

    You terming him a "project" doesn't sound very enthusiastic. What you need to remember is that these are life altering experiences to this man. What he does with them at the end of the 6 months is up to him. If you are going to "assist" him with this endevour, I would encourage you to educate him as to the potential and "very real" pitfalls of the environment.
    ----snip----
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2008 4:33 PM GMT
    caslon saidHelp him find his "gay legs" in the city and for himself and then let him go....well, I suspect you wont ahve to let him go....he will go on his own after one bite of the apple.


    ..I agree, be his fairy Godfather. icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2008 5:01 PM GMT
    ya give him some guidance. hell i have someone doin that with me. having just come out a couple months ago, i know nothing about the gay community here in montreal. so someone i met a long time ago online is tellin me about whats what and the happenings of the city. it's helpful. and it's comforting to have someone who can sorta "take you by the hand" so you aren't walking blind into something that's fairly foreign to what you're accustomed to.
  • GeorgeNJ

    Posts: 216

    May 04, 2008 5:40 PM GMT
    JustJohn said...he never seems to have interacted with gay men for anything but sex...


    This comment -- along with your other comment that he found you on Manhunt -- tells me he's not exactly naive. He had a secret life going, all he needs now is to mainstream himself in the wider gay culture, which is what it seems he wants.

    Caslon is right, I think -- Frank just needs his "gay legs" to get oriented. After that, you may or may not ever see him again, unless he actually befriends you.
  • 8jock8

    Posts: 25

    May 04, 2008 6:51 PM GMT
    Give the guy Frank the benefit and just be an honest true friend. If he's closeted, obviously he's comfortable with you. Whatever the case may be, help the guy out. Do it without hidden motives and do with sincerity. If it works out then, AWESOME. If not, at least you tried your best.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2008 7:01 PM GMT
    Perhaps getting him intoxicated was not the best begining. If he really wants to approach a world alien to him, then the best approach would be with a clear head.
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    May 05, 2008 12:25 AM GMT
    And perhaps he is more experienced than what he is letting on to. When I was first coming out, I liked to pretend that I was naive, but I wasn't. This guy found you on Manhunt for god's sake.

    Just be his friend and let him do his thing. Eventually he'll admit that he's not so innocent.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 05, 2008 12:46 AM GMT
    Since you're not interested in this guy sexually let him decide what he wants to do
    Since he's in a new country for a short period of time he probably feels safe with the relative anonymity being there provides
    You can ask him what he'd like to do
    and take it from there
    ...but if you were into him sexually I'd give you the coming out male warning
    guys who are just coming out DO NOT make good BF's
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 05, 2008 12:55 AM GMT
    polobutt saidAnd perhaps he is more experienced than what he is letting on to. When I was first coming out, I liked to pretend that I was naive, but I wasn't. This guy found you on Manhunt for god's sake.

    Just be his friend and let him do his thing. Eventually he'll admit that he's not so innocent.


    One is very wise to the world, and has been for many years. Yet If I was to go to a gay bar tonight. People would think, here's a new guy on the block, as for some reason I look naive.

    It is easy for me to come across as knowing nothing about the gay community, if you ask the wrong question.

    How often do you go out, on the gay scene. My reply. Just about never! Yet I have worked for the gay community. Oh I don't tell em that.

    Yes I too know a lot more than I let on. people seem to also think I have a wife tucked away somewhere, as I seem to come across as the kind of guy, whom would have one.

  • SkyMiles

    Posts: 963

    May 05, 2008 1:12 AM GMT
    I wouldn't look at him as a 'project'. But you did a nice thing and it sounds like you both had a good time. The great ones lead by example!icon_lol.gif
  • theONLYallan

    Posts: 69

    May 05, 2008 1:19 AM GMT
    your friend sounds like a fish out of water. just let him have his fun.. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 05, 2008 4:31 AM GMT
    Or a fish in a brand new tank... Help that bitch swim.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 05, 2008 7:07 PM GMT
    Yeah, decided just to relax and introduce him around. Hopefully he will benefit in the long run but I'll leave that up to him.

    I've been talking to my partner in the US about him. He said be careful, sounds like a stalker...