Sometimes, you just need to talk

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2011 2:20 AM GMT
    Face the future, walk into it.

    ++++I'll preface this message (translated: epic narrative) by apologizing for my venting. Also, excuse the sporadic nature of my message - it’s more of a stream of consciousness. I need someone to talk with about this; hence the following. I've recently been trying to be an adult and "find myself". I am pretty open-minded person and that open-mindedness doesn't stop when it comes to my sexuality. It's something that I've dealt with since my early high school years. I hated high school because I didn't fit in; Hester Prynne ring a bell? In my head, I was convinced I was the only guy like me there. I felt as though my sexual preferences screamed, which I realize now that my paranoia is probably what made me stick out more. I've struggled with self-acceptance because I, like most of society, had preconceived stereotypical ideas of what it meant to be gay.
    ++++Honestly, the person I am today is very different than the 15-16 year old version of myself. I feel I break stereotypes in many ways - masculine, athletic, and military. I've learned recently to block out the stereotypes and just be me. I think some people I've come into contact with that are gay are too concerned about fitting a mold, rather than just being themselves. I am me - take me or leave me. I guess I can compare myself to the two characters from "Brokeback Mountain" (don't make fun, call me a hopeless romantic). I recently watched this movie for the first time because I've been afraid [for lack of a better word] to, until now. I'm a cross between the two guys: smart enough to know the difference between the truth and a fairytale (Heath Ledger's role) and dumb enough to be careless like Gyllenhaal's character. Though, that story explains my outlook on my sexuality. I'm a man. I act like a man. I'm attracted to other men. Clear? Well, it's crystal to me, though it almost seems impossible to find the same.
    ++++I have so many questions when it comes to this topic: Why me? How can people say you aren't born this way? Where does this fit into religion and why do I even care? I've been watching a few documentaries to get some insight on answers that others have found. I am not a religious person; however, I was raised in your typical Southern Baptist family. My questioning of how being gay fits into religion is more simply put by saying how can I prove to my religious fanatic parents that I'm not some abominable sinner. My relation with my parents is clearly distant due to our different religious views - though my sexual preferences have never been discussed. It's interesting to look back on my childhood of growing up in such a religious family now that I've realized "truth" is something I must find for myself and not be force-fed.
    ++++On a not so bright note: I've dealt with serious depression and anxiety, had my share of suicidal thoughts in the past. Recently, in part to my realization I can just be me and don't have to fit a stereotype, I have(am) learning to accept the notion that I'm a good catch (not trying to sound conceited) - I have a good head on my shoulders, I have some talent and intelligence, and I take care of myself physically. I urge anyone reading this to accept that "it gets better" and that homosexuality [or anything for that matter] is worth taking your own life for.
    ++++So, why am I writing this? Truth be told, I just needed to talk. I've gotten to that point in my life where I absolutely cannot wait to move out of this town where I can start over and just me be. Where I'm not haunted by what used to be, who I used to know, etc.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2011 2:42 PM GMT
    NICE... that said, I will address one point;

    Religion. I roll the religious aspects of being gay over and over in my head. I try to utilize logic. My final thought and/ or conclusion is this : IF the supreme being ( God ? ) takes issue with me, a man, taking care of, loving, showing affection for another man, then I guess love needs to be more narrowly defined. Granted, doing all the above with a MARRIED man, or one who is in a serious relationship whereby another human is negatively affected, YEAH, that is wrong and ( at bare minimum ) immoral. But to love another man being wrong ? I don't understand ANY logic within that notion.

    I think it can " get better " depending on how one manages his situation. There is no SINGLE way to a successful COMING OUT. We all take our own path based on our individual circumstances. I understand your wanting to get out and start over. Take the path that FEELS right tom you. Don't force it.

    Your writing indicates a level-headedness ( is THAT a word ? lol ) that you are rational and clear in thought.

    Best of luck... hugsicon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2011 2:53 PM GMT
    Welcome to RJ, home of the "Brokeback Mountain" type gays. We are a rare breed...the minority of the minority.
    But even as a minority of a minority, there are still lots of us masculine gays out there.
    The sooner you realize you're not alone, the sooner you'll be able to feel comfortable with yourself.

    I wish you the best of luck in your coming out experiences. *hugs* icon_biggrin.gif
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2613

    Aug 17, 2011 3:20 PM GMT
    You actually sound fairly coherent to me for a twenty one year old guy;much more than I did at that age.I sympathisize with you as you remind me of myself as a young man:gay,masculine,active (if not athletic),interested in things straight guys are (except women);raised by deeply religous parents in a village in rural,conservative area.I`m also a man of two halves: one half strong,fit,athletic;the other gentle and caring.I worked as a constable in the Police Service.Your questions and doubts were mine!
    I`m sorry about your relationship with your parents.I was lucky in that mine were pious but restrained,especially my father whose church had a policy of non-evangelising.My family were always supportive and loving.
    On religion you seem to have caught on early about it`s truth;you have to ultimately find it for yourself (even if you can learn a lot from others,scripture,writings.)All religions have their stories of journeys.
    Don`t worry about any stereotypes of gay men.It`s just not worth it.You don`t have to fit in,just be authentic.Then you`ll find your place naturally.This little gay world can be as restricting as the bigger straight one.Be true to yourself and do what you think is the right thing always.That way you`ll not have regrets.
    Try to fight the negative thoughts of depression,etc.We all feel down at times.Remember you`re not alone in all this.You sound a good guy,one the world needs more of.
    Life will get better as you mature into yourself.Stick with your military career as that will give you the confidence to do anything in the future.
    Best wishes!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2011 7:42 PM GMT
    I appreciate you guys responding and with kind words at that. I hope this is a forum that other guys will read and feel comfortable opening about some of the things they may be dealing with. I read in a forum about guys being too caught up on the idea of "masculinity" or not being into the "gay scene". For awhile, i tried, in my head to understand why gay men and women rallied for acceptance without judgement when the gay community seems to so frequently judge members of their own. I have grown to realize that the stereotypes in place obviously were founded in some truth at one point. I do not, however, believe that those existing general stereotypes are something that should be deemed "correct" or "normal" in the gay community. Like I said before, I am me - hate me or love me. I am a "normal" male that enjoys taking care of myself, sports, military, etc. I will state that the "gay scene" isn't my thing, either. Why? Because, first and foremost, the hardest thing to learn when trying to accept/realize your sexuality is comfort. Why would I put myself in situations (like a drag bar, for example) that makes me uncomfortable. Do I judge guys who go there? No. Am I homophobic to so called "twink" or feminine guys? No. Do I think I'm the definition of masculine? Not at all. That's just it! Masculinity needs not a definitive set of rules. I believe that, just as one realized their sexuality, one must find what/who they are in terms of personality, appearance, etc. I'm trying hard to do the things that male me comfortable. I'm currently studying theatre at my university and so often, I'm labeled as the "straight guy" or the close-minded guy strictly based on how I act and/or dress. Why do we automatically label one another. Acceptance should have no restrictions - strive to accept that as fact. I had someone message me and ask if I was out. The answer: no. Some people scold men who say they are content without being "out" but I feel, that too, is something someone as an individual must decipher for himself. I was born and raised in a very traditional Christian family. Do I think my parents would disown me? Not at all. Do I think they would love me less? No. I feel that by not sharing this part of my life with my parents that I am saving them some grief. They are both very religious people and I respect them for their beliefs (note, the difference in respecting and agreeing) and I know that if I were to come out to them then it would make them constantly be worried about me. So, for me, not being out works and makes me happy with myself - and that should be all that matters.