Porno for dummies: How does porn affect your dating/commited relationships; or does pornography do nothing to harm your relationships?

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    May 05, 2008 8:24 AM GMT
    I was suddenly curious and bored at 4:30 am wondering how is it that some guys either don't if a guy their with has or watches pornography from time to time; or are really into it themselves; while there are a couple guys I know whom have disgust toward porno...

    [File this under thread made under boredom, but still kind of serious.]
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    May 05, 2008 8:31 AM GMT
    That's coz they either had a traumatic experience as a kid about mommy beating the snot out of em for watching pron or their mommy was a hooker. icon_wink.gif
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    May 05, 2008 10:09 AM GMT
    Porn is not monolithic.

    The hotlist on here (guys who one might want to enjoy hot times with but probably won't) is arguably soft-core porn.

    People (mostly women) say that porn is about objectification but I rather think it is about projection. For example, I don't look at a picture of an incredibly hot guy and then picture him having sex with my saggy ole man-boobed body. In that little film I am just as sexy as "he - the meta he" is.

    Therefore, the fantasy is as much a narcissistic projection (and maybe narcissism is too strong a word - perhaps self-directed is better) of who I would like to be (but am clearly not) and what being that might get me (but probably won't).

    This activity can sit on a continuum from escapism to inspiration to out and out addiction. Furthermore, it can dovetail into very complicated subconscious issues with therapeutic effect - or deleterious effect (as in addiction).

    I am sure this metaphor is towards correct if only because it fits the circumstances of other kinds of porn. (there is a lot of porn out there that is not sexual - at least not overtly so).

    For example, I have a strong strong suspicion that much of the so-called "real-estate bubble" has been driven by the ready availability of so much real estate porn.

    It is a curiosity to me that markets where real-estate prices remain strong have such a well developed real-estate porn industry. For example, floor-plan porn in Manhattan is so readily available, with prices changeable into different currencies, and other nice porn tools that is seems obvious that the audience for this material is global.

    Yacht porn, jet porn, food porn, wine porn, and so forth.

    Most people, even people who could afford to, aren't dumb enough to buy a Lamborghini, but lots of young boys wet themselves picturing themselves driving that car (middle-aged lawyers do this too).

    Porn, and consumerism in general, are in my opinion forms of projection and expressions of the desire for self-validation as opposed to objectification.

    Are they harmful? I don't think that consumerism per-se is harmful. However, that said it comes in various forms.

    I was always pleased with Sex and the City when Carrie Bradshaw made informed choices between shoes and real estate. That strikes me as smart, funny, and realistic. I suppose Imelda Marcos relationship with shoes is less healthy (I think she is still on the Shoe Train down in St. Barts).

    Anyway, a little porn, a nice martini, a pair of Blahniks, its all good - until it is a porn-jag, a martini binge, 5000 pair of Blahniks.

    What about that creepy guy who bought Remington Razors - "I liked it so much I bought the company" - what is that guy watching on the Internet????

    Terry



















    boiwunderkind9999 saidI was suddenly curious and bored at 4:30 am wondering how is it that some guys either don't if a guy their with has or watches pornography from time to time; or are really into it themselves; while there are a couple guys I know whom have disgust toward porno...

    [File this under thread made under boredom, but still kind of serious.]
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    May 10, 2008 4:30 AM GMT
    the porn industry is kinda crappy, from what i hear, lots of sad story childhoods messed up lives, etc

    i think it hurt my relationship, too much sexual stimulation, too much sex on the brain when other interests could have and should have been undertaken. but maybe that would have happened anyways.
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    Jul 23, 2010 5:29 PM GMT
    The paucity of responses for this thread just goes to show that people want to think of porn as something that is purely recreational and not damaging. But it certainly can be.

    My ex was violently opposed to it, and forbid me from watching it while we were in our relationship. It was his deal breaker. When he found out I had been dabbling in porn (he'd get into my Explorer history and snoop around when I wasn't there), he became violently upset. It was something he held against me and used as power over me for quite some time after the incident. I didn't view porn after that occurence, but it certainly wasn't forgotten on his part. I was also not allowed to view model sites like allamericanguys.com. He saw it as cheating and wanting something that he could never give me.

    The short story of this is that it caused us inordinate amounts of pain, suffering, and bad feelings. It weakened our relationship and it was something that my highly-emotional ex (all man outside, all woman on the inside) was not able to recover from.

    It was insensitive of me and selfish to view these sites when my partner made it clear that it wasn't ok. I should've considered his feelings and thought about him first. I've moved on to an extent, but I still have flashbacks about that relationship (ended in Aug 08 and the mistakes I made. Clearly, I wasn't ready to give up enough of myself to make it work.

    So you see, porn CAN and does kill love.
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    Jul 23, 2010 5:45 PM GMT
    darius30 saidThe paucity of responses for this thread just goes to show that people want to think of porn as something that is purely recreational and not damaging. But it certainly can be.

    My ex was violently opposed to it, and forbid me from watching it while we were in our relationship. It was his deal breaker. When he found out I had been dabbling in porn (he'd get into my Explorer history and snoop around when I wasn't there), he became violently upset. It was something he held against me and used as power over me for quite some time after the incident. I didn't view porn after that occurence, but it certainly wasn't forgotten on his part. I was also not allowed to view model sites like allamericanguys.com. He saw it as cheating and wanting something that he could never give me.

    The short story of this is that it caused us inordinate amounts of pain, suffering, and bad feelings. It weakened our relationship and it was something that my highly-emotional ex (all man outside, all woman on the inside) was not able to recover from.

    It was insensitive of me and selfish to view these sites when my partner made it clear that it wasn't ok. I should've considered his feelings and thought about him first. I've moved on to an extent, but I still have flashbacks about that relationship (ended in Aug 08 and the mistakes I made. Clearly, I wasn't ready to give up enough of myself to make it work.

    So you see, porn CAN and does kill love.


    No. Your partner was an insecure control freak. He wanted power over you. That is not love. You are well rid of him.
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    Jul 23, 2010 6:18 PM GMT
    darius, viveutvivas is right - that's borderline abuse. i think he had way more issues than porn to deal with. you are well rid of him.
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    Jul 23, 2010 7:40 PM GMT
    Thank god you are done with that controlling asshole, Darius.

    And next time, stick up for yourself. He was making a pretty unrealistic demand that said you are not worthy of trust. He wasn't in love with you, you were just a dog he kept on a short leash.
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    Jul 23, 2010 7:47 PM GMT
    Briefs29 saiddarius, viveutvivas is right - that's borderline abuse. i think he had way more issues than porn to deal with. you are well rid of him.


    Well, I do appreciate the support, and you're right, he was very controlling and had to have things his way and in the end we were not a good fit.

    But in my particular case, though it probably is rare among gay relationships being that porn is widely accepted in our community, it WAS damaging and I should've been smarter in dealing with him. It was my first relationship and I certainly am going to do better next time, whenever that may be. I want other guys to realize that porn may not be as harmless as they think.
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    Jul 23, 2010 8:43 PM GMT
    "My last boyfriend would come home from work and beat the shit out of me every day. See, employment can ruin a relationship."

    Put the blame where the blame belongs. It was not porno it was your then boyfriend. You have a right to your sexual interests and you shouldn't let some control freak squash them because he refuses to trust you.
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    Jul 23, 2010 9:16 PM GMT
    Darius: that was the fuckwit of a BF. If he hadn´t made porn the issue, he would have made something else forbidden in order to test you.

    he´s Bluebeard

  • janu88

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    Nov 20, 2010 9:18 AM GMT
    The Internet era has ratcheted the experience of pornography much closer to so called "emotional" betrayal than I suspect most porn users would like to admit.

    I´m feeling a bit disturbed and hurt aswell.. so i do think that this is not so harmless as everybody view it...
    or maybe the case is that i am the problem and need councelling on it?
    i made a longer new topic of my situation..
    check it out. icon_redface.gif