Say What?! 5 Bad Questions for Gay Parents

  • metta

    Posts: 39104

    Aug 20, 2011 2:47 AM GMT

    Say What?! 5 Bad Questions for Gay Parents

    http://www.advocate.com/Society/Modern_Families/Say_What_5_Bad_Questions_for_Gay_Parents/
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    Aug 20, 2011 12:34 PM GMT

    I dont find "is/are they/she/he yours?" very offensive. I get that all the time when I take care of my niece but its not bc i'm gay its because I'm young (even though I'm old enough to have had her at a decent age)
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    Aug 20, 2011 1:32 PM GMT
    One personal question I did ask lesbian parents, who had lovely twin daughters from the artificial insemination of one of the partners, was whether they had concerns about future discrimination against the girls as they grew older and went to school where they lived. The kids were pre-schoolers at the time.

    Of course the little twins were not around when I asked that. And the mothers answered quite frankly that they were indeed concerned, and they had to monitor that. But they added that the girls themselves were quite comfortable with the idea at the moment, considering both of the adults to be their mothers. They distinguished between the parents by calling one Mom and the other Mommie.

    I guess I felt I could be that intrusive because one of them was the sister of my BF at the time, and we were staying with them a few days. I continued to see them all periodically over the next 2 years, even spent a Christmas with them and my BF's parents, until I eventually relocated. And the little girls really did thrive as they grew, very adorable, very heart-warming to see them so happy and doing their kids' things in the care of 2 loving parents.

    Now that I've read the linked article I wonder if my own question was in fact out of line, too. It didn't seem so at the time, all very friendly as we sat in their house talking about the little girls and how wonderful they were. I guess even the most well-intentioned of us can mess up, I never thought about it before. icon_sad.gif
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    Aug 20, 2011 1:46 PM GMT
    OK so maybe it is me, but I don't see what the heck is wrong with these questions (I will admit that the "how much did you pay for them?" is a bit over the top). Having a family with 2 gay parents is a relatively new phenomena in the history of humanity,and I don't think it would bother me in the least if these questions were asked. The article seemed so damn snippy. "Nobody asks heterosexual parents these questions". Well, you are not heterosexual parents, so people may be curious. I think as long as they are not asked in a demeaning way, none of these questions would have bothered me.
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    Aug 20, 2011 1:53 PM GMT
    I Think it would be ok for a gay couple to ask another gay couple these questions only bc they may need help starting a family.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Aug 20, 2011 2:14 PM GMT
    Such bullshit.
    So many people look for excuses to be offended.
    Those are all just earnest interest questions. "Straight couples" don't get them as often because they're less likely to apply to straight couples AND because the means by which straight couples get kids is generally a lot less novel.

    Be careful what you ask in front of young children of course, since you don't know how the parents are dealing with those issues with their kids and ask any question (especially monetary) with some tact, bu the questions themselves are perfectly innocent.

    Also, for what it's worth, my parents are gay and on it's discovery I often get a various questions about who's the birth mom, was it artificial insemination, etc. People are sometimes awkward about the questions because they don't know how to ask them -- I'm more than happy to answer and indicate that it's not something to feel awkward about (and if not I just politely say so, no big).

    I swear, some people are just waiting to be discriminated against -- loosen up a little!!


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    Aug 20, 2011 2:14 PM GMT
    pdbrainiac saidI think as long as they are not asked in a demeaning way, none of these questions would have bothered me.

    I could see some problems with a few of those questions, especially if at a first meeting with someone you barely know. I was more fortunate, because my BF had already given me much of the background before I met his sister and her partner, in the example I posted above.

    And so I didn't have to ask "Which one of you is the birth mother?" or "Do you know the sperm donor?" because I already had those and other answers before we met. (The donor was anonymous, BTW, the egg the birth mother's, no steps were taken to bias the sex outcome, like using a centrifuge on the sperm, and the twins a pleasant surprise, when having only one was the original expectation) As one of the mothers joked to us: "The fertility clinic people were real overachievers!" And we all laughed at that, and shared in the joy they had over parenting these 2 marvelous little girls.

    But I still hope I didn't overstep my bounds in asking that question about future discrimination issues. Which might imply they were unwise to become lesbian parents in our prejudiced and unenlightened society, naturally not my intention. But the road to hurting others is paved with good intentions.
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    Aug 24, 2011 1:54 AM GMT
    Actually, this article is better titled "5 Bad Questions for Parents Who Obviously Had Their Kids Through Any Method Other Than Fucking Each Other." These questions are asked of adoptive hetero parents all the time.
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    Aug 24, 2011 2:24 AM GMT
    "How much were your babies?" LMAO I'm gonna use that one.