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    Aug 21, 2011 12:30 AM GMT
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    Aug 21, 2011 12:48 AM GMT
    bosjock90 saidBe prepared for a long read. Be prepared for some raw observations. True or not? You decide. Now hold onto your chair.

    A few months ago, my bf at the time (now my ex), were supposed to go to the cape with some mutual (but more his than mine) friends. Worked unexpectedly held me from going down with him, so he headed down a few days earlier. We had an argument after he arrived at the Cape, because he left his email logged in on my computer and I came across somethings he had been hiding from me and been dishonest about. Why were you reading his email? That's not right, even if he left it logged on.

    Please note that these findings had nothing to do with cheating necessarily, but regardless he had been dishonest about some important details. You looked, you found.

    That said, I did not join he and the friends for that weekend, and apparently therefore "ruined every ones weekend" as I caused everyone strife and stress. I don't think I'm wrong for confronting him when HE was the one who messed up by being dishonest. You confronted him about his dishonesty while at the same time you were snooping.

    I blame my ex for this mainly because he didn't hide his emotions very well while at the Cape, and also elected to discuss this issue with his friends. Personally, I keep relationship problems where they belong, in the relationship - especially when I know that sharing details of a fight that in the long run would be irrelevant. It's also not fair to ruin everyone else's weekend! You snooped, then you chose not to join folks after your work was done. You had a hand to play in this drama as well.

    After we made mends and got back together, he noted that the same friends had invited us to New Hampshire for another weekend. I said that of course I would go, however he needed to give the friends a heads up in some form of communication that would clear the air so that everyone knew we were back together and things were fine. I found this necessary because the argument got pretty "violent" while he was at the Cape, thus when everyone parted ways, it appeared as though we were broken up for good. Lots of things were said on both sides that also needed to be acknowledged and resolved. So he begrudgingly agreed to email his friends. He did what you asked, even after what sounds like a very dramatic scene.

    He did email his friends, and me by accident. I was disgusted when I read the email, as basically it said "I am so sorry for the bullshit my bf caused, he is getting over his issues and seeking help, and he is very apologetic for any strife he caused that weekend. We are back together, so please don't be awkward around him and don't discuss this!" You did cause drama which could have been avoided if you just hadn't read his email, and kept your temper under control.

    Now is it just me, or shouldn't partners/boyfriends not trash-talk each other? Sounds like you both need couples counseling on how to communicate with each other, and with others.

    He could have easily just said "We are back together, we both realized we were wrong and realize that the Cape weekend was ruined so we want the New Hampshire weekend to be as great as possible" instead of throwing me under the bus - especially when we all know fights take two to tango, thus he needs to apportion some of the blame to himself? The worst part is that I think that the friends have a pretty good hunch of his guilt too, as obviously almost all fights have blame to share. Why didn't you write the note for him if you expected certain wording? I think his friends must know just how dramatic both of you are. They're just enjoying the show.

    As a result, I broke it off with him. I told him that I refuse to date someone that will trash-talk me behind their back, but more importantly, is too insecure to own up to their flaws to not only me, but friends and family. I have too much self-respect to be treated like that! Good for you! Now go find a therapist with whom you can unravel this experience and learn how not to repeat it.

    So please tell me if I am crazy for making this decision, because my ex continues to believe that what he in terms of sending the email and trash talking me is completely acceptable. We haven't spoken for a while now, but I am the kind of person to easily give in for the good of the relationship, so these thoughts keep stirring in my mind. That therapist will help unravel this experience so you can learn how not to repeat it. It will be worth every minute and every penny.

    Thanks icon_smile.gif


    You're welcome!

    You're cute. You're young. You can learn. If you choose to. Good luck!
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    Aug 21, 2011 12:57 AM GMT
    I think you did the right thing by letting him. Who would want to be with a guy that trashed talked behind your back and was dumb enough to accidentally emailed you that message?

    I'm sure you'll find someone who will treat you better!! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 21, 2011 12:58 AM GMT
    Thank you for your time and responding ... I don't really think I snooped? I don't make it a habit at all of going through his things. It was pure (unlucky) fate he left his information logged in. I literally opened my browser and poof there it was. It's kind of like trying to not stare or at least glance at someone dressed in neon clothing walking down the street. Are you telling me that I should accept the fact that he was being dishonest, just because I am "not supposed to be there in the first place"?

    They do say that honesty is what you're doing when nobody is looking - well this is an example where no one "should" be looking, yet it popped in my face and demonstrated that he was dishonest. Thus, how can I count on trusting him? We all make mistakes and we all lie at some point, but it's how you deal with it - he didn't come clean right away or handle it well at all!

    I also don't think I had a temper - I asked him about it and he flipped out. I said I wasn't going to spend the weekend with someone who was going to lie to my face, which in turn aggravated him more. Through it all I was very calm yet upset and disappointed. He was the angry one, which makes sense as he was the one who lied and lied again.

    He only did "as I asked" to save the relationships between him and myself, let alone the web of friends.

    I would hate to throw away a relationship that's over 1.5 years, but I won't allow that to happen at the expense of my self-respect. I know I'm young which is a good thing so I have plenty to learn and opportunities to meet people, but it doesn't make ending something any easier icon_sad.gif
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    Aug 21, 2011 4:10 AM GMT
    GAMRican said
    bosjock90 saidBe prepared for a long read. Be prepared for some raw observations. True or not? You decide. Now hold onto your chair.

    A few months ago, my bf at the time (now my ex), were supposed to go to the cape with some mutual (but more his than mine) friends. Worked unexpectedly held me from going down with him, so he headed down a few days earlier. We had an argument after he arrived at the Cape, because he left his email logged in on my computer and I came across somethings he had been hiding from me and been dishonest about. Why were you reading his email? That's not right, even if he left it logged on.

    Please note that these findings had nothing to do with cheating necessarily, but regardless he had been dishonest about some important details. You looked, you found.

    That said, I did not join he and the friends for that weekend, and apparently therefore "ruined every ones weekend" as I caused everyone strife and stress. I don't think I'm wrong for confronting him when HE was the one who messed up by being dishonest. You confronted him about his dishonesty while at the same time you were snooping.

    I blame my ex for this mainly because he didn't hide his emotions very well while at the Cape, and also elected to discuss this issue with his friends. Personally, I keep relationship problems where they belong, in the relationship - especially when I know that sharing details of a fight that in the long run would be irrelevant. It's also not fair to ruin everyone else's weekend! You snooped, then you chose not to join folks after your work was done. You had a hand to play in this drama as well.

    After we made mends and got back together, he noted that the same friends had invited us to New Hampshire for another weekend. I said that of course I would go, however he needed to give the friends a heads up in some form of communication that would clear the air so that everyone knew we were back together and things were fine. I found this necessary because the argument got pretty "violent" while he was at the Cape, thus when everyone parted ways, it appeared as though we were broken up for good. Lots of things were said on both sides that also needed to be acknowledged and resolved. So he begrudgingly agreed to email his friends. He did what you asked, even after what sounds like a very dramatic scene.

    He did email his friends, and me by accident. I was disgusted when I read the email, as basically it said "I am so sorry for the bullshit my bf caused, he is getting over his issues and seeking help, and he is very apologetic for any strife he caused that weekend. We are back together, so please don't be awkward around him and don't discuss this!" You did cause drama which could have been avoided if you just hadn't read his email, and kept your temper under control.

    Now is it just me, or shouldn't partners/boyfriends not trash-talk each other? Sounds like you both need couples counseling on how to communicate with each other, and with others.

    He could have easily just said "We are back together, we both realized we were wrong and realize that the Cape weekend was ruined so we want the New Hampshire weekend to be as great as possible" instead of throwing me under the bus - especially when we all know fights take two to tango, thus he needs to apportion some of the blame to himself? The worst part is that I think that the friends have a pretty good hunch of his guilt too, as obviously almost all fights have blame to share. Why didn't you write the note for him if you expected certain wording? I think his friends must know just how dramatic both of you are. They're just enjoying the show.

    As a result, I broke it off with him. I told him that I refuse to date someone that will trash-talk me behind their back, but more importantly, is too insecure to own up to their flaws to not only me, but friends and family. I have too much self-respect to be treated like that! Good for you! Now go find a therapist with whom you can unravel this experience and learn how not to repeat it.

    So please tell me if I am crazy for making this decision, because my ex continues to believe that what he in terms of sending the email and trash talking me is completely acceptable. We haven't spoken for a while now, but I am the kind of person to easily give in for the good of the relationship, so these thoughts keep stirring in my mind. That therapist will help unravel this experience so you can learn how not to repeat it. It will be worth every minute and every penny.

    Thanks icon_smile.gif


    You're welcome!

    You're cute. You're young. You can learn. If you choose to. Good luck!


    I gotta respectfully disagree with GAMRican.

    This guy left his email open on your computer. You came across it and found out he had lied about some things and you took it personally, and rightfully so. Let's be honest here, I think nearly anyone would glance at their partner's email if they had just left it out in the open like that. You shouldn't feel ashamed about it at all. GAM suggests that just because "you looked, you found". To me, this assumes that if ANYone goes through their partner's email then they WILL find details that would compromise their relationship. I don't know about you, but I don't want to date anyone that I did not trust fully. You looked, but you should NOT have found anything.

    I'm not sure why GAM is suggesting couples counseling for you both, either. If someone were to get counseling, it should be your ex. It sounds like he has some confidence issues. Also, I disagree with GAM in that you should have told him how to write the note. I think we can all assume the guy you were dating was out of gradeschool. Therefore, he's old and mature enough to not need you to hold his hand.

    You did the right thing. You acted mature. He incited drama any way he could and he even betrayed you in a sense. He definitely owes you an apology.
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    Aug 21, 2011 4:26 AM GMT
    Howdy!

    You're absolutely RIGHT in telling him to take a hike. Think about it. If someone is two faced, can you trust him in anything? I don't [[b]i]THINK[/i]
    so! (Aside: Have to sound really snotty on "think"!) Seriously, the guy is jerk and a jerk in love with himself. I'm a Pro Rodeo Cowboy in Wyoming. I grew up a working and rodeo cowboy. If I have a problem with someone, I tell them and tell them to their face. I expect the same. If you don't know something is broken, you can't fix it; not that this idiot sounds like he can be fixed. Hope it helps!

    Gene

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    Aug 21, 2011 4:26 AM GMT
    Lol. I love you.
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    Aug 21, 2011 4:38 AM GMT
    When he emailed his friends, I wonder if he emailed you on purpose though? It seems like any normal person would have been extra careful not to send an email blaming you, to you as well. Do you think maybe it was his passive-aggressive way of getting you upset enough to call off the relationship so he wouldn't have to?

    Just a thought.
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    Aug 21, 2011 5:44 AM GMT
    you clearly don't keep relationship issues 'where they belong', as you're sharing them with us.

    he didn't email you 'by mistake'... he meant for you to see the email he sent your mutual friends. perhaps he even meant for you to see the original emails that started all the BS?!

    you told him you refuse to date someone who will 'trash-talk' you behind your back, but aren't you trash-talking about him to us?

    seems to me you're no different than he is... both immature in relating to each other. the better approach would have been to tell your bf you decided not to join them at the weekend getaway because something had come up, to enjoy himself and you'd talk to him about some things when he returned. if he had pressed you, you should have said the discussion needed to occur in person and it could wait until he returned.

    ultimately you did the right thing (if he had been dishonest)... you just didn't go about it the right way.
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    Aug 21, 2011 6:09 AM GMT
    If you did not actively look for his email, as you mentioned, then you weren't completely in the wrong. I say completely because you could have closed the browser without reading it.

    To the other comment, I do not consider your question here to involve trash talking about your ex. What he did was speak about you to people you both knew. That is very different than relating a situation about someone whose identify is not known.

    And lastly, his sharing his upset feelings with others on vacation is his problem, not yours. His trying to deflect the blame on you was immature. He is basically saying that with other people, he is not in charge of his emotions and it's your fault.
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    Aug 21, 2011 8:57 AM GMT
    I would've knocked a bitch out....lol jk, but if a guy I was supposed to be in a caring relationship with sent his friends an email about me where he announced I had brought about "bullshit" had "issues" and was "seeking help" and the subtext of his message was to show his friends what a good guy he was by having the kindness of heart and generosity of spirit to rise above it all and deign to be with me, you better believe he'd be on the receiving end of some real "bullshit and strife"..... complete with the trailerpark knock the douchebag upside the head with a frying pan icon_evil.gif




  • davidsticky69

    Posts: 412

    Aug 21, 2011 12:59 PM GMT
    bosjock90 saidBe prepared for a long read.

    A few months ago, my bf at the time (now my ex), were supposed to go to the cape with some mutual (but more his than mine) friends. Worked unexpectedly held me from going down with him, so he headed down a few days earlier. We had an argument after he arrived at the Cape, because he left his email logged in on my computer and I came across somethings he had been hiding from me and been dishonest about. Please note that these findings had nothing to do with cheating necessarily, but regardless he had been dishonest about some important details. That said, I did not join he and the friends for that weekend, and apparently therefore "ruined every ones weekend" as I caused everyone strife and stress. I don't think I'm wrong for confronting him when HE was the one who messed up by being dishonest. I blame my ex for this mainly because he didn't hide his emotions very well while at the Cape, and also elected to discuss this issue with his friends. Personally, I keep relationship problems where they belong, in the relationship - especially when I know that sharing details of a fight that in the long run would be irrelevant. It's also not fair to ruin everyone else's weekend!

    After we made mends and got back together, he noted that the same friends had invited us to New Hampshire for another weekend. I said that of course I would go, however he needed to give the friends a heads up in some form of communication that would clear the air so that everyone knew we were back together and things were fine. I found this necessary because the argument got pretty "violent" while he was at the Cape, thus when everyone parted ways, it appeared as though we were broken up for good. Lots of things were said on both sides that also needed to be acknowledged and resolved. So he begrudgingly agreed to email his friends.

    He did email his friends, and me by accident. I was disgusted when I read the email, as basically it said "I am so sorry for the bullshit my bf caused, he is getting over his issues and seeking help, and he is very apologetic for any strife he caused that weekend. We are back together, so please don't be awkward around him and don't discuss this!"

    Now is it just me, or shouldn't partners/boyfriends not trash-talk each other? He could have easily just said "We are back together, we both realized we were wrong and realize that the Cape weekend was ruined so we want the New Hampshire weekend to be as great as possible" instead of throwing me under the bus - especially when we all know fights take two to tango, thus he needs to apportion some of the blame to himself? The worst part is that I think that the friends have a pretty good hunch of his guilt too, as obviously almost all fights have blame to share.

    As a result, I broke it off with him. I told him that I refuse to date someone that will trash-talk me behind their back, but more importantly, is too insecure to own up to their flaws to not only me, but friends and family. I have too much self-respect to be treated like that!

    So please tell me if I am crazy for making this decision, because my ex continues to believe that what he in terms of sending the email and trash talking me is completely acceptable. We haven't spoken for a while now, but I am the kind of person to easily give in for the good of the relationship, so these thoughts keep stirring in my mind.

    Thanks icon_smile.gif


    In Asia we have this very popular saying "I'm pretty, so I have the right"
    Since you are pretty, so yep you are totally right to dumb him icon_cool.gif


    lol


    j/k


    Anyway, anyone who is in his right mind would completely agree with your action.
    Remember this,

    Assholes walk among us. They come in HUGE numbers and they are fearless! No point with reasoning. Just leave them in your f*cked up past and move on already icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 21, 2011 1:09 PM GMT
    you did the right thing... he's a tool, once you diss your BF to your friends, the relationship is doomed, cause your mates will always be the doubting voice in your head... he did that alone and off his own back, and now he has to live with it... live and learn... you deserve better!
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    Aug 21, 2011 1:15 PM GMT
    What about the friends who had their vacation on the Cape ruined by all the post-adolescent drama? Couldn't you have either 1) put up a false front of civility to spare your hosts so much embarrassment; or 2) fabricated some face-saving excuse and gone back to Boston and had it out privately (the high-speed ferry has ultra-convenient sailings).
    Unless your hosts are deeply into emotional voyeurism I don't think you'll be invited back soon.
    Some awareness and concern for the feelings of others is key to successful relationships.
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    Aug 21, 2011 2:28 PM GMT
    First off, I just want to say I apologize for all of the commotion on behalf of you and your significant other. It is very easy for us to say what you should have or should not have done or you were right/wrong about the way you confronted things with your lover because this particular situation did not happen to us. Therefore, we can give our input on the situation but we can't really, truly determine if you went about the situation the right or wrong way. Suffice it to say in that same situation and moment in time, most of us would react/approach the situation in different ways. Who would be right? Who would be wrong?

    For the most part, you're gonna have opinions that sound as if they are siding with you and others that sound as if they are siding with your lover. The reason for this is that there are probably many guys on here who have been in a similar situation in which they either "played" your role or the role of your lover. So, naturally the opinions are going to sound biased.

    So, with all of that being said, instead of saying if you were right or wrong, I'll just tell you that whatever you decide to do, just make sure it's going to be what's best for YOU. Don't let us tell you what you should or should not do. Also, someone once said that "I wouldn't want someone if they don't want me." Now, I'm passing these same words to you. Hope everything works out for you!
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    Aug 21, 2011 2:35 PM GMT
    Oh, the "drama" of a 20 year old can be so underwhelming.
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    Aug 21, 2011 2:39 PM GMT
    There really aren't many accidents in life. I seriously doubt anyone leaves their e-mail open EVER when they're away from a computer long, except perhaps while at work. And after some 15 years online, not once has an outgoing e-mail from me gone to an unintended recipient. So something smells, right there. Hitting "reply to all" by mistake happens to the best of 'em but this isn't a case of that. The bait was laid by one drama queen and taken by another. ("My arguing and my absence ruined everybody's weekend" - grrrl, pleez.)

    Snooping really isn't cool, but I'm living in a glass house where that's concerned. I think it's a natural reaction to see your name or "my bf" or "relationship issues" or whatever as an e-mail subject and want to click on it. But this goes to show that curiosity does kill the cat. Elvis sang it: "We can't go on together with suspicious minds." If everything had been A-OK to begin with there would've been no urge to pry into somebody else's correspondence.

    I'm not going to characterize anything as "trash talking" or out of turn having heard only one person's side of the story.

    A shrink's not the fix here either. Experience is the best teacher although it's also the toughest. Few among us find the perfect partner for life during our teens or twenties (if ever.) All I can suggest to the OP is to not dwell on the good things for now. Focusing strictly on the negative aspects of this now-ex is the best short-term cure for the breakup blues. Eventually it'll all fall into the right perspective. Been there, done that.
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    Aug 21, 2011 3:05 PM GMT
    rightasrain saidyou clearly don't keep relationship issues 'where they belong', as you're sharing them with us.

    he didn't email you 'by mistake'... he meant for you to see the email he sent your mutual friends. perhaps he even meant for you to see the original emails that started all the BS?!

    you told him you refuse to date someone who will 'trash-talk' you behind your back, but aren't you trash-talking about him to us?

    seems to me you're no different than he is... both immature in relating to each other. the better approach would have been to tell your bf you decided not to join them at the weekend getaway because something had come up, to enjoy himself and you'd talk to him about some things when he returned. if he had pressed you, you should have said the discussion needed to occur in person and it could wait until he returned.

    ultimately you did the right thing (if he had been dishonest)... you just didn't go about it the right way.


    Errr, well I'm not really sharing it with people that know who I am, and I didn't drop anyone's names. Furthermore, we have been separated for a while now, thus sharing it seems pointless as we aren't getting back together.

    He didn't email me by mistake, he emailed and email group without thinking - trust me, I know it wasn't intentional.

    Again, I am keeping his identity anonymous to protect him because obviously you still care for someone despite their faults. I am doing this solely to hear others opinion.

    I do agree that I should have probably waited on confronting him about it, I tend to be impatient - thanks for your response!
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    Aug 21, 2011 3:07 PM GMT
    I agree with you about the confrontation/breaking up after the second note he sent to his friends. It was uncalled for and he did throw you under the bus. It seems like he is just not ready to accept any kind of responsibility if things go sour in a relationship and would much rather present you are the devil bf.
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    Aug 21, 2011 3:12 PM GMT
    MuslNorganLikr saidThere really aren't many accidents in life. I seriously doubt anyone leaves their e-mail open EVER when they're away from a computer long, except perhaps while at work. And after some 15 years online, not once has an outgoing e-mail from me gone to an unintended recipient. So something smells, right there. Hitting "reply to all" by mistake happens to the best of 'em but this isn't a case of that. The bait was laid by one drama queen and taken by another. ("My arguing and my absence ruined everybody's weekend" - grrrl, pleez.)

    Snooping really isn't cool, but I'm living in a glass house where that's concerned. I think it's a natural reaction to see your name or "my bf" or "relationship issues" or whatever as an e-mail subject and want to click on it. But this goes to show that curiosity does kill the cat. Elvis sang it: "We can't go on together with suspicious minds." If everything had been A-OK to begin with there would've been no urge to pry into somebody else's correspondence.

    I'm not going to characterize anything as "trash talking" or out of turn having heard only one person's side of the story.

    A shrink's not the fix here either. Experience is the best teacher although it's also the toughest. Few among us find the perfect partner for life during our teens or twenties (if ever.) All I can suggest to the OP is to not dwell on the good things for now. Focusing strictly on the negative aspects of this now-ex is the best short-term cure for the breakup blues. Eventually it'll all fall into the right perspective. Been there, done that.


    Actually, Apple's new OS Auto-resumes applications AND the state/web page they were in, thus the browser auto opened upon starting my laptop and his email. So yea, maybe you don't believe it, but actually computers do this nowadays. And I'm kind of shocked that you haven't ever experienced or heard of someone emailing an unintended recipient by mistake - it's one thing I have been warned about many times. I think it's more common than you're making it out to be, because just you haven't done this doesn't mean others haven't!

    Thank you for your response - I'm trying to grow and change for the better. With all honesty I guess I was hoping for someone to smack me and tell me I was wrong so that I could get back together with him, but it's become apparent and more so after these posts that doing so would be unhealthy for the two of us. I guess I'm still young.
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    Aug 21, 2011 3:28 PM GMT
    Oh, the response of a 20 year old... It probably explains why you're single. LOL
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    Aug 21, 2011 9:12 PM GMT
    CuriousOne saidOh, the response of a 20 year old... It probably explains why you're single. LOL


    Enjoy your spam reporting! Seriously, if you have nothing constructive to say don't post it icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Aug 21, 2011 9:28 PM GMT
    Hey Hon-

    I will keep this short- The Ex was wrong in trashing you to his friends, you do not air private laundry in public. I have known email programs to pop back up with what you were last doing esp. using Firefox. He should have had more class, talked to you rather than being a fool.
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    Aug 21, 2011 10:06 PM GMT
    And a few observations from this side of the peanut gallery -

    Gonna disagree somewhat with GAMRican on the privacy issue: if you both are using the same computer and profile, and he's leaving his details up, it can't be helped if you noticed what you saw.

    He has an expectation of privacy, but he also has a duty to act to protect that privacy.

    Dude (the ex) reallllly needs to learn2internet and clear his browser cache and history and cookies, etc. if he is leaving potentially incriminating emails and sites for anyone to see. And leaving your email off of the friends distro list when shooting out a blame mail to his buds.

    Now it might have been bigger of you to have honored his *expectation* of privacy, but it seems like you two may well have had a bit of a history of drama like this, and if it wasn't this mishap that lead to your breakup, it certaintly would have been something else.

    Of course, this makes it quite likely that he *intended* for you to see the certain emails as DCBlue said.

    In which case Dude needs2grow a pair: he would be the bigger tool for not just breaking things off with you to your face.

    In short - you are better off without this guy from the sound of it.
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    Aug 21, 2011 10:15 PM GMT
    CuriousOne saidOh, the response of a 20 year old... It probably explains why you're single. LOL


    Your personality makes me wonder why you're not.