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    Aug 21, 2011 5:13 PM GMT

    (Pictures on the above website)

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    La Fistinière is an idyllic bed-and-breakfast located on the grounds of a former farm in the French countryside, 100 miles south of Paris. It is distinguished from all other B&Bs in the world by the fact that it is dedicated to fist fucking. Lodgers can eat a gourmet French breakfast in the morning and get their buttholes stretched to the max by noon in one of five private rooms. Or, for the more adventurous, there’s a communal “fisting chapel” in the attic that features all sorts of medieval-looking contraptions and a large mural of muscular men sticking limbs, chains, and traffic cones up one another’s anuses in a series of complex, painful-looking positions. The place is owned by Juan Carlos and François (they both go by their first names only), a friendly pair of nontraditional gentlemen who remodeled the building themselves and run all day-to-day operations except the meals (which are lovingly prepared by François’s sister, Nelly). They also have a cat named Fistouille, which roughly translates to “My Beloved Fist Fuck.” Clearly, these Frenchmen are not afraid to get their hands dirty.

    VICE: How did you two meet?
    François: At a bathhouse. We quickly fell in love, and Juan told me about fist fucking on our first night together.
    Juan Carlos: I tested him right away. He was talented, he got in on his first try. From first contact, you know whether a person’s hand was made for this or not. It’s like somebody’s handshake.

    Why did you decide to open a hotel devoted to fisting?
    François: We enjoyed throwing orgies at home and wanted to create a place dedicated to fist fucking, where everyone would feel at home. We wanted something welcoming and clean.
    Juan: We wanted a place for people to talk, where there would be no discrimination based on race, age, looks, or dick size­—somewhere people could come without feeling ashamed because they were fat or even straight.

    The majority of the population isn’t too interested in plunging their arms into assholes, but those who are act as if it’s a religion. What’s so awesome about fisting?
    Juan: It’s the most intimate sort of relation there is, apart from touching someone’s brain directly with your fingers. With fisting, you’re touching someone’s bowels, and through the bowels, all the internal organs. It’s a practice that requires a lot of attention. It’s the act of opening another’s perception in a spiritual way, and it can be almost religious. I believe in the magic of sex.

    What are your guests like?
    François: I’ve seen comments online about us like, “You’ve got to be a weirdo to go to this place.” But our guests are people you know: your baker, pharmacist, daughter’s philosophy teacher, dentist, or the surgeon who operated on your grandmother.
    Juan: The only thing we have never had is a dad and son.
    François: Thank God! [laughs]
    Juan: But we did have a guy with a baby seat in the back of his car.

    What kind of gear can be found in the fisting chapel?
    Juan: We have a veterinary speculum, for cows and mares. It helps to open the anus wide really well. There are also table-tennis rackets for “dick-pong.” You play it with your balls and dick. We have baseball bats, which are meant to be put up one’s ass, of course. The golf clubs are as well, and so are the bowling pins. We also have the big traffic cones that are used on motorways. We use them as seats. [laughs] There are also many different-size ropes, for bondage. Then there are the mallets, which are for banging on the perineum and anus. Every time you knock, it opens wider. Oh, and the cage is for locking up our naughty guests.

    What do the neighbors think about your operation?
    François: We met the local mayor to discuss our project. Two days ago, policemen came by to see whether we had any problems related to homophobia, which has never happened. Fingers crossed. We invite people from the village sometimes, to have a drink or two, to show that we are normal, nice people.

    You told me earlier the stuffage record here was someone who put 14 golf balls up his ass.
    François: Is that really interesting? Fisting, for us, is not about performance. It’s about pleasure.

    Are you ever impressed by someone’s, um, abilities?
    Juan: I can be impressed by the anatomical capacity of someone, yes. A person with a whole arm up his ass, for example.

    How does that work? Don’t you run out of space?
    Juan: If the person is lying on his back, the intestine goes to the right first, then turns left. The arm follows it naturally. Still, you have to know the anatomy to do this.
    François: We’ve never had accidents here, though. If we know someone can be brutal, we’ll keep an eye on him. Everyone watches out for the others.

    Do you take part in the fistivities?
    Juan: We do it from time to time. We can start touching a guy, but we’re never completely available because we need to keep an eye on everyone all the time.
    François: We got to a point when things started to go really bad between the two of us. Once the Fistinière was up and rolling we didn’t have a single minute left for ourselves and almost broke up. We talked a lot and now we each have a second husband. They’re not around all the time, but they give us each extra pleasure. The Fistinière takes all of our time, we’re here every day of the year, 24/7. Between the playroom, breakfast, cleaning, and everything else, there are days when we wish we could escape.

  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Sep 13, 2011 5:55 AM GMT
    Honest to fucking god, this is one of the funniest things I have ever seen. I am typing through tears from laughing so hard. I nominate this for best thread title of the year AND most absurd post ever.

    Brilliant. Brava, OP.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 13, 2011 6:09 AM GMT
    Now I know where I'm going for my next vacation
  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Sep 13, 2011 6:10 AM GMT
    I feel like I just discovered an equation for gravity that works with both quantum physics and relativity.

    I'm sure it all happens beyond the event horizon. Here in this black hole of a thread.

    BRB #washingmyelbow
  • bmoney1

    Posts: 244

    Sep 13, 2011 12:57 PM GMT
  • Neurons

    Posts: 537

    Sep 13, 2011 2:56 PM GMT
    That's just a bit... disgusting..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 13, 2011 3:09 PM GMT
    The answers are kinda funny, but I guess they're serious. To each his own I say.