Losing a friend over being gay?

  • D300

    Posts: 86

    Aug 25, 2011 1:06 AM GMT
    Hey guy, so I'll try and keep this as short as possible...

    Four years ago I dated a good friend of mine (a girl) my junior year of high school for three weeks. I broke up with her because I was unsure of my sexuality, I was still trying to figure out if I was gay or bi. After we broke up we stayed good friends and had a great friendship until recently.

    I came out to her about six months ago and things haven't really been the same. Recently she accused me of using her in high school as a cover up for being gay. She says she is extremely hurt and has never felt more betrayed. I have hardly talked to her for the past two months. Despite the fact that we dated for three weeks, four years ago, I tried apologizing for any confusion, I didn't know if I was gay or not and I wasn't "using" her.

    So, have any of you guys been in a similar situation? How do I deal with this? She is still a good friend and I would hate to lose her over this.

    I hope this isn't too long and I would greatly appreciate any advice that you guys have. Thanks! icon_smile.gif

    - Jake
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    Aug 25, 2011 1:49 AM GMT
    You told her your truth, and she can't handle it.
    For whatever feelings or reasons she has, your being gay is not sitting well with her.
    Until she sorts this out for herself, there is really nothing you can do to make the situation better.

    I wouldn't even try to "mind read" in this situation.

    I lost a friend in high school when I came out to him. He recently messaged me on FB to apologize for how he turned from me when I came out to him. It took 29 years for him to come back around. I told him that he had nothing to apologize for and that I was glad to hear from him. End of story.

    I don't wait around for folks to "handle" who I am. I just keep living.

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    Aug 25, 2011 1:52 AM GMT
    Haven't lost any friends over it but have a few relatives. Haven't seen my brother or niece in 8 years
  • D300

    Posts: 86

    Aug 25, 2011 2:04 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidYou told her your truth, and she can't handle it.
    For whatever feelings or reasons she has, your being gay is not sitting well with her.
    Until she sorts this out for herself, there is really nothing you can do to make the situation better.

    I wouldn't even try to "mind read" in this situation.

    I lost a friend in high school when I came out to him. He recently messaged me on FB to apologize for how he turned from me when I came out to him. It took 29 years for him to come back around. I told him that he had nothing to apologize for and that I was glad to hear from him. End of story.

    I don't wait around for folks to "handle" who I am. I just keep living.



    Great advice, thanks you SO much!
  • D300

    Posts: 86

    Aug 25, 2011 2:04 AM GMT
    atljoe75 saidHaven't lost any friends over it but have a few relatives. Haven't seen my brother or niece in 8 years


    Sorry to hear that icon_sad.gif
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    Aug 25, 2011 2:07 AM GMT
    JD300 saidHey guy, so I'll try and keep this as short as possible...

    Four years ago I dated a good friend of mine (a girl) my junior year of high school for three weeks. I broke up with her because I was unsure of my sexuality, I was still trying to figure out if I was gay or bi. After we broke up we stayed good friends and had a great friendship until recently.

    I came out to her about six months ago and things haven't really been the same. Recently she accused me of using her in high school as a cover up for being gay.
    You were, but you didn't know it. She was covering for your own inability to accept who you are...not to cover you from others.

    Explain it to her that way and she "might" come around. If not, don't worry about it. Friends come and go. Some stick around for a long time. Those are the ones who are "true" friends.

    In other words, stop worrying about the past and go make new friends who accept you as you are. icon_biggrin.gif
  • jasen202

    Posts: 42

    Aug 25, 2011 2:19 AM GMT
    She's a girl and girls are nice and sensitive. Just sooth things with her. Tell her after you told her who you really are, you two will be better friends over time, that you want her involved with you still. Just let her know you will be available to listen the next time she calls.- From my experience ..
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    Aug 25, 2011 2:30 AM GMT
    I lost nearly all the friends I had up until that point as well as family I had over it. I think your mindset should be "who the **** cares" - especially in this case, people get deeply upset and have bizarre reactions. You don't need their negativity or passive-aggressiveness in your new shiny more open life. The whole point of going through the awful hardship is that you never need to run and hide again/be someone else to fit in so much so that you forget about who you actually are inside. The conforming slave days are over.

    You are giving off a weak appearance with all of the apologies and she can sense it. Stop apologizing for it immediately. Never do it again.

    In the world of candy analogies, right now you are a gummy/bendable and spineless Sour Patch Kid. You need to grow a thick, tasty hard cover chocolate shell like the almond M&Ms.

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    Aug 25, 2011 2:33 AM GMT
    That bitch got estrogen poisoning. Time to slap her upside the head, tell her it was the best three weeks she'll ever know and revoke her library card!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 25, 2011 2:33 AM GMT
    I absolutely understand... similar situation here although I did have a couple more serious girlfriends in my 20's. You dated her for 3 weeks and now she is putting a guilt trip on you. Hardly showing you friendship. I can see how she might be hurt or confused, but if she is a real friend, she would talk to you and ultimately accept you for who you are.

    I know you don't want to lose her friendship, but I encourage you to assess how good it was in the first place.

    Sorry about that.
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    Aug 25, 2011 2:34 AM GMT
    JD300 saidHey guy, so I'll try and keep this as short as possible...

    Four years ago I dated a good friend of mine (a girl) my junior year of high school for three weeks. I broke up with her because I was unsure of my sexuality, I was still trying to figure out if I was gay or bi. After we broke up we stayed good friends and had a great friendship until recently.

    I came out to her about six months ago and things haven't really been the same. Recently she accused me of using her in high school as a cover up for being gay. She says she is extremely hurt and has never felt more betrayed. I have hardly talked to her for the past two months. Despite the fact that we dated for three weeks, four years ago, I tried apologizing for any confusion, I didn't know if I was gay or not and I wasn't "using" her.

    So, have any of you guys been in a similar situation? How do I deal with this? She is still a good friend and I would hate to lose her over this.

    I hope this isn't too long and I would greatly appreciate any advice that you guys have. Thanks! icon_smile.gif

    - Jake


    what a drama queen. It's not like you married her. Just stop trying to be friends with her, not worth it.
  • D300

    Posts: 86

    Aug 25, 2011 3:16 AM GMT
    Thanks again guys for all the advice, you all are the best! icon_smile.gif
  • smudgedude

    Posts: 260

    Aug 25, 2011 3:39 AM GMT
    well, everyone else has pretty much said it all, but they're right.

    it's not like you were intentionally deceiving her for whatever end...you were honest and forthcoming with someone you believed to be your good friend.

    unfortunately this is the consequence of telling the truth. it's something that just has to happen sometime. and if this friendship was so paper-thin that something as innocuous as this breaks it up, be glad that it was over this and not something that you could have had control over.

    i guess try to take some solace in that - you have no control over what happened with this girl. there's nothing that you could have done that would have made this any better or any worse. it is what it is.
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    Aug 25, 2011 3:44 AM GMT
    You did absolutely nothing wrong. It's her problem. She might come around in the future, but you have nothing to deal with or worry about.
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    Aug 25, 2011 4:08 AM GMT
    three years ago I came out to one of my closest friends. (it's a different case of course, cause I never dated him!) but the result is one.

    Next day he wouldn't reply to my "good morning" and never exchanged a single word with me except on a single occassion when he told me to go with him to an Imam who would send me to a center for treatment of homosexuality. Of course I said no.

    My advice is, forget about her. Even if you happened to conscider her the best friend you ever had, she never was your friend from the start: She never knew really who you are so that she can be friends with you!

    You never used her for a coverup even when you had your doubts about your sexuality. You were young, experimenting and the natural thing is to try to look natural and have a girlfriend. She can't understand that and seems to still have more feelings for you deep inside, for had I dated someone years ago, I will be least concerned with his sexuality.

    So, move on and you will make new memories and find real friends. The kind of friends who know you for real and appreciate you for all that you really are.

    As for my story, I never spoke to him again. But in the later years I came out to other friend and we are still best friends. So, it gets better all the time I guess icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 25, 2011 4:09 AM GMT
    JD300 said...So, have any of you guys been in a similar situation? How do I deal with this? She is still a good friend and I would hate to lose her over this.

    I hope this isn't too long and I would greatly appreciate any advice that you guys have...


    I've had similar, and it can get ugly. This girl is having problems, being that it's four years ago and you only dated for three weeks. She hasn't spent all of this time getting over you...she's been spending this time imagining how the two of you could get back together.

    So right now she doesn't care who you are. You never betrayed her--her imaginary boyfriend did. Too bad he looks just like you.

    You may avoid her, if she gets ruthless about it. Or, you can use the Cesar Milan approach: pinch her neck while making a hissing noise, leash her and take her for long exhausting walks. That way she won't have the energy to chew on your furniture.
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    Aug 25, 2011 4:15 AM GMT
    Scruffypup saidThat bitch got estrogen poisoning. Time to slap her upside the head, tell her it was the best three weeks she'll ever know and revoke her library card!

    lol a bit harsh.


    To OP: It's her problem. Let her deal with it. All you can do is to apologize and tell her that you weren't sure of your sexuality and wanted to make sure. You should also tell her that despite that you are gay (or unsure of your own sexuality at the time), you still find her attractive enough to date her, and therefore she should see it as a compliment, not as an insult.

    btw, tell her that she didn't turn you gay, if that's what she's being so butthurt about.
  • citypartyboy

    Posts: 187

    Aug 25, 2011 4:24 AM GMT
    hmmm... sounds to me like she is trying to find an 'easy way out' to not be friends with you for possible fear that she too might be hiding something? What if she came to you and said that she was a lesbian? I feel like its weird that you only dated for 3 weeks and she's acting as if you dated for years and you wasted her time. I have cheese in my refridgerator that lasts longer than 3 weeks. icon_eek.gificon_lol.gif

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    Aug 25, 2011 4:53 AM GMT
    JD300 saidHey guy, so I'll try and keep this as short as possible...

    Four years ago I dated a good friend of mine (a girl) my junior year of high school for three weeks. I broke up with her because I was unsure of my sexuality, I was still trying to figure out if I was gay or bi. After we broke up we stayed good friends and had a great friendship until recently.

    I came out to her about six months ago and things haven't really been the same. Recently she accused me of using her in high school as a cover up for being gay. She says she is extremely hurt and has never felt more betrayed. I have hardly talked to her for the past two months. Despite the fact that we dated for three weeks, four years ago, I tried apologizing for any confusion, I didn't know if I was gay or not and I wasn't "using" her.

    So, have any of you guys been in a similar situation? How do I deal with this? She is still a good friend and I would hate to lose her over this.

    I hope this isn't too long and I would greatly appreciate any advice that you guys have. Thanks! icon_smile.gif

    - Jake


    understandable, but uncalled for.
    one of my exes tried accusing me of this, but i told her that what we had was real, and i dont regret anything. girls can get over emotional about stupid things, and i wouldnt worry about it
  • CalebKM

    Posts: 156

    Aug 25, 2011 5:19 AM GMT
    She was probably hoping one day you'd come back around lol, wrong! If she can't live with who you are, then she doesn't deserve your friendship. Point blank! Don't stress it anymore, live life and ejoy your freedom! Ciao! icon_smile.gif
  • thebigtwist

    Posts: 102

    Aug 25, 2011 6:15 AM GMT
    I haven't lost anybody, friends or family, over being gay. They're not terribly supportive, but I haven't been cut off either.

    Your former girlfriend/friend sounds like an incredible narcissist. You guys were in high school, which is not really the right place to be searching for true love and honesty. If you were 35 and married for ten years, I could see a little bit of anger, but she's obviously in a state of arrested development. This is a great sign that you should never talk to her again.
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    Aug 25, 2011 11:14 PM GMT
    Cityaznguy said
    ...tell her that she didn't turn you gay, if that's what she's being so butthurt about.


    lmfao.
  • JP85257

    Posts: 3284

    Aug 25, 2011 11:17 PM GMT
    No lay the blame squarely on her. Make her feel like the cunt she really is.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Aug 25, 2011 11:27 PM GMT
    johnnydssa saidShe's a girl and girls are nice and sensitive ..




    yeh. rite.

    she proved just how sensitive she can be.





    icon_lol.gif




    icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Aug 25, 2011 11:29 PM GMT
    Stan904 saidwhat a drama queen. It's not like you married her. Just stop trying to be friends with her, not worth it.

    Yeah, what friend? Typical self-centered US female, it's all about her. Where's her concern you YOU, at what could be a difficult time in your life?

    And she feels betrayed after dating her for 3 weeks? I think you're the one being betrayed, by a false friend, who's putting an unfair guilt trip on you.