My current BF refuses to distant himself from his ex

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    Aug 26, 2011 1:44 AM GMT
    Hi guys! I have a dilemma and would really appreciate all of your inputs. My BF and I met online about 8 months ago. This is my first gay relationship, and everything is going well great and I feel pretty happy so far. But something has always been bothering me.

    It's his EX, the annoying, never-going-away EX. So he and his ex dated for 3 years, started in 2005 and ended in 2008 because the EX moved away and they couldn't do the long distance relationship anymore. The EX lives in Asia, my BF's home country, while we live in New York. My BF and his EX have remained best friend- they facebook each other, text messaging (internationally) daily, webcam with each other sometimes. The EX knows that my BF is seeing me right now and he even facebook-befriended me and messaged me, explaining that there's nothing to worry about, reassuring that it's purely platonic between them now. But I just have this nagging feeling that my BF still wants to hold on to their friendship because my BF's still in love with his EX.

    There's been multiple heated arguments between me and my BF because of my feeling jealous towards the EX. I have asked him to distant himself from the EX but he refuses to compromise. I mean, messaging each other once a week to see each other's updates is fine with me, but texting internationally MULTIPLE times a day, is not okay in my book. I don't know how I can handle this situation anymore. My BF keeps reassuring me that they are only friends now and he loves me and not the EX. But I always have this gut feeling that he's going back to the EX when he finished his work here in New York and heads back to Southeast Asia. Sometimes I feel that he loves me a lot and we are going to spend our future together, but sometimes I feel that I'm just a piece ass that he screws while he's here for his diplomat job. Is this jealous feeling all in my head or is this situation really a deal breaker?

    Sorry for the long message and I really appreciate it if I can get some expert advice from my fellow gay men. Thanks guys I really appreciate it! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 26, 2011 2:20 AM GMT
    My ex and I are great friends... if some guy asked me to distance myself it'd be from the guy asking not my ex.

    Not because I'm still inlove with him but because I"m mature enough to know I'm not still inlove with him and have no desire to rekindle any sort of "relationship" beyond a friendship with my ex.

    if it brings you that much trouble, leave.
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    Aug 26, 2011 2:41 AM GMT
    Oooh I forgot to add.

    You either trust him at his word or you don't.

    Obviously you don't.
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    Aug 26, 2011 3:10 AM GMT
    The sex must have been great. You should invite his ex over for a 3-way.
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    Aug 26, 2011 3:35 AM GMT
    chippup saidHi guys! I have a dilemma and would really appreciate all of your inputs. My BF and I met online about 8 months ago. This is my first gay relationship, and everything is going well great and I feel pretty happy so far. But something has always been bothering me.

    It's his EX, the annoying, never-going-away EX. So he and his ex dated for 3 years, started in 2005 and ended in 2008 because the EX moved away and they couldn't do the long distance relationship anymore. The EX lives in Asia, my BF's home country, while we live in New York. My BF and his EX have remained best friend- they facebook each other, text messaging (internationally) daily, webcam with each other sometimes. The EX knows that my BF is seeing me right now and he even facebook-befriended me and messaged me, explaining that there's nothing to worry about, reassuring that it's purely platonic between them now. But I just have this nagging feeling that my BF still wants to hold on to their friendship because my BF's still in love with his EX.

    There's been multiple heated arguments between me and my BF because of my feeling jealous towards the EX. I have asked him to distant himself from the EX but he refuses to compromise. I mean, messaging each other once a week to see each other's updates is fine with me, but texting internationally MULTIPLE times a day, is not okay in my book. I don't know how I can handle this situation anymore. My BF keeps reassuring me that they are only friends now and he loves me and not the EX. But I always have this gut feeling that he's going back to the EX when he finished his work here in New York and heads back to Southeast Asia. Sometimes I feel that he loves me a lot and we are going to spend our future together, but sometimes I feel that I'm just a piece ass that he screws while he's here for his diplomat job. Is this jealous feeling all in my head or is this situation really a deal breaker?

    Sorry for the long message and I really appreciate it if I can get some expert advice from my fellow gay men. Thanks guys I really appreciate it! icon_biggrin.gif



    Hmm..My first impulse was to ask, why didn't he include you in this obviously rich relationship with his ex?

    Then I read that the ex had extended his arm, so to speak, explaining there is nothing more than friendship happening. You're in a wonderful position; you're your man's lover. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug

    PS though it would be great if I could tell you how this will go, I can't. I don't think anyone can. It's you and him, as unique as snowflakes yet like snowflakes are part of a snowfall. Er, OK right Doug. Lol, so much for waxing poetical.







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    Aug 26, 2011 6:36 AM GMT
    meninlove saidthough it would be great if I could tell you how this will go, I can't. I don't think anyone can. It's you and him, as unique as snowflakes yet like snowflakes are part of a snowfall. Er, OK right Doug. Lol, so much for waxing poetical.

    You two should be ashamed of ya selves!

    WTF was that?

    I expect pure unadulterated mush from you two and what do we get.. some crap about snow flakes????

    Dear gawd!!!

    That was terrible!

    Try again.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Aug 26, 2011 6:56 AM GMT
    Do you know about his past other than this guy? Is he the type that cheats? Maybe they are just friends? Or maybe he doesn't want to lose contact with his ex because they might meet up again someday.

    You should talk to him about this not RJicon_idea.gif

    Biz Markee listen to "they say he just a friend".
  • wpc56

    Posts: 45

    Aug 26, 2011 3:10 PM GMT
    Listen to your gut feeling, your instinct is almost always right.

    I don't think there's enough information for US to give you valid feedback but if your bf is only here temporarily for his "diplomatic" thing.... then that's something to think about.

    In any case, do you enjoy the time you spend together with him? If you do, then even if he leaves you at some point in the future you would have had positive relationship experience.

    If he's gonna leave you, there's nothing you can do about it, but there's no point destroying a good relationship because you have some jealousy issue.
  • silverfox

    Posts: 3178

    Aug 26, 2011 3:15 PM GMT
    chippup said

    There's been multiple heated arguments between me and my BF because of my feeling jealous towards the EX. Thanks guys I really appreciate it! icon_biggrin.gif



    This one line says it all.
    I.M.H.O. this is your issue, not your BF. If you think that the situation is abnormal and he doesn't respect your feelings...well you have the power to walk away. If you are jealous for jealous sake well.... your issue not your BF.

    Sorry...tough love. Take control.
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    Aug 26, 2011 3:21 PM GMT
    Albiet you two are together and his ex lives in a different country... I wouldn't worry terribly and it seems that you are a worrier about the whole situation.

    That being said, I believe there is a boundary issue between him and his ex you should address....and if you can't work it out don't compromise yourself for someone else.
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    Aug 27, 2011 12:27 AM GMT
    lilTanker said
    meninlove saidthough it would be great if I could tell you how this will go, I can't. I don't think anyone can. It's you and him, as unique as snowflakes yet like snowflakes are part of a snowfall. Er, OK right Doug. Lol, so much for waxing poetical.

    You two should be ashamed of ya selves!

    WTF was that?

    I expect pure unadulterated mush from you two and what do we get.. some crap about snow flakes????

    Dear gawd!!!

    That was terrible!

    Try again.




    I agree, lol, which is why I said, "Er, OK right Doug. Lol, so much for waxing poetical."

    You should see me after three beer, this was after only TWO (on an empty stomach)!

    -Doug

  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 1492

    Aug 27, 2011 12:53 AM GMT
    You have been invited to get to know Mr X. Take him up on the offer. If your current relationship is going to last, a good rapport with his loved ones is important.
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    Aug 27, 2011 12:58 AM GMT
    So he's only allowed to love you? What about his parents or his siblings? Is it your love or no love? If the answer to that last is yes, then you're not ready to love anyone besides yourself yet.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 27, 2011 1:01 AM GMT
    Trust your BF. Believe what he says.
    Or your jealousy will be the end of the relationship.
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    Aug 27, 2011 1:13 AM GMT
    meninlove said I agree, lol, which is why I said, "Er, OK right Doug. Lol, so much for waxing poetical."

    You should see me after three beer, this was after only TWO (on an empty stomach)!

    -Doug


    I'm giving you both a squinty glare right now!
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Aug 27, 2011 1:16 AM GMT
    Seems to me like they are not emotionally done with each other. If he's spending more time with him electronically than you, that's an issue.
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    Aug 27, 2011 1:18 AM GMT
    TerraFirma saidTrust your BF. Believe what he says.
    Or your jealousy will be the end of the relationship.


    I was going to say the same thing! I am friends with all of my ex's (except one, the asshole, ah but that's another post). I actually remember having a dinner party where a good number of the guest were ex's of mine with their new partners and we are all friends now. I would advise you to not have too many ex's in the same room because inevitably the note comparing and "remember when" stories will come out. Which can be very funny but uncomfortable at the same time if you have a date around. icon_wink.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 27, 2011 1:27 AM GMT
    C_J35 said
    TerraFirma saidTrust your BF. Believe what he says.
    Or your jealousy will be the end of the relationship.


    I was going to say the same thing! I am friends with all of my ex's (except one, the asshole, ah but that's another post). I actually remember having a dinner party where a good number of the guest were ex's of mine with their new partners and we are all friends now. I would advise you to not have too many ex's in the same room because inevitably the note comparing and "remember when" stories will come out. Which can be very funny but uncomfortable at the same time if you have a date around. icon_wink.gif


    Absolutely... agree with the above guys. If you've had a sincere thorough conversation with him about it... let it alone and don't be jealous.. he had a different experience with his EX.... time to make some very positive ones for you as a couple. If you don't let it alone, you won't be a couple for long.
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    Aug 27, 2011 1:31 AM GMT
    Me and my ex are friends but I could email him twice a year
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    Aug 27, 2011 1:32 AM GMT
    My first impression was 'get over it' but as I read on I read several things that makes me change my mind some.

    First, he's here temporarily. You say when his work is done he might go back to the ex. You clearly recognize that he might end up back in Asia and you here, I would question trying to maintain any relationship over that distance.

    Also, you mentioned he texts multiple times a day. If it were once a week or so, then I wouldn't think it was that bad but several times a day is a little excessive I think (unless it's really just a continuing conversation).

    I would think that you need to sit down with him and be serious about your concerns. Perhaps discuss the relationship and try and understand each others positions.

    I think maintaining a relationship with your ex is acceptable. I'm friends with both my former bfs and contact them regularly. My bf knows it, I tell him everything and we're both considerate of each others feelings also.

    I think you have some validity for concern but I think you should concentrate on communicating and working on a way to include the friendship and less on trying to cut it off completely.

    Good luck!
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    Aug 27, 2011 1:34 AM GMT
    chippup said...I mean, messaging each other once a week to see each other's updates is fine with me, but texting internationally MULTIPLE times a day, is not okay in my book....

    To me this is an issue. Texting several times a day suggests a strong bond, which, though platonic, could turn into something more quite easily. Maybe everyone would feel better if you all agreed to try something else, say phone calls via Skype a few times a week with all three of you.
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    Aug 27, 2011 1:39 AM GMT
    No offense, OP, but I think you have some jealousy issues. It's not like your current BF is cheating on you. In fact, he's quite open about the relationship he has with his ex and he hasn't hidden anything from you. You're being a little selfish in this situation. You can't expect your BF to just up and drop whatever feelings he had for his ex now that he's dating you. While they might not have been the best couple it sounds like they make great friends. The ex even extended his hand to you. That's a big sign of trust and a sign that says he's not threatening your relationship.

    You will be your own worst enemy in this situation. Lighten up and be more trusting. If your BF wanted to cheat on you then he would've done it already and in all seriousness.....you would've never found out. The ex is literally across the world and your BF is in NY with YOU. Take some comfort in that and build from there. If it still bothers you and you can't be adult enough to handle the friendly relationship they have as ex's then you should probably call it quits and find someone who doesn't have a strong after relationship with their ex. Jealousy will be damning ingredient to your relationship.
  • Vaughn

    Posts: 1880

    Aug 27, 2011 2:49 AM GMT
    You sound like a control freak. If I were him, I'd break-up with you.
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    Aug 27, 2011 3:10 AM GMT
    silverfox said
    chippup said

    There's been multiple heated arguments between me and my BF because of my feeling jealous towards the EX. Thanks guys I really appreciate it! icon_biggrin.gif



    This one line says it all.
    I.M.H.O. this is your issue, not your BF. If you think that the situation is abnormal and he doesn't respect your feelings...well you have the power to walk away. If you are jealous for jealous sake well.... your issue not your BF.

    Sorry...tough love. Take control.


    This was exactly my first thought when reading this. It's that seemingly unintentional admission right there (peeking out of the sub-conscious perhaps) that seems to show it's really your issue and you probably know it.

    Take some time to evaluate if you really are justified in this situation based on the facts and not just on dogma or "gut" feeling. People always enter situations in life with prejudgments, but often times, you leave the situation learning that your initial instincts were ill-informed and wrong.
  • makemake

    Posts: 10

    Aug 27, 2011 3:15 AM GMT
    You have to know when you're in an unfair situation. If you have that gut feeling, then you are probably right. First I would say that you should try to work with your boyfriend; see if he allows you to take part in convos and webcam sessions. If he resuses, something is wrong. If he will not work with you, he may work against you, in which case you should see who your boyfriend really wants. Try a ploy ultimatum just to see who he'd choose. But don't add too much pressure to the situation until it's necessary.