Monogomy is imposible with gay men?

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    May 08, 2008 7:07 AM GMT
    This is a takeoff and more specific thread than the topic about people never being satisfied but when it comes to men I think that this is really true. Men it seems are never satisfied, never happy, no one is looking to really settle down and no man is really serious about monogomy. It seems like just when you built something stable, and solid - something that you can count on, somebody else just wants to fawking stir things up. Even the old, monogomous gay longterm couples I have met are so fawking down on eachother with comments and criticisms that they can't stop thinking bout or checking out other, usually younger guys. Maybe this guy Rev. Gene Robinson, is different I really, really hope so but man all the other religious gay guys I know are just as bad.

    So if religion is out as an option, what about living in a rural area? Or how bout two ugly guys, or being poor? Do you think that any of those factors would give a gay male relationship a better chance? Are bottoms more eager to cheat than tops, seems like it to me? Whats up with that, dont make no since at all. What do u think?

    Don't get the wrong impression I am a positive guy, I have and want to achieve things other than sex and my "gay" life. I feel more resigned to the fact than bitter bout the whole deal. Men are shit, but it seems that is just by nature.

    I saw this study bout how hetero men have more sucessful relationship if their wife is considered better looking than they are, because if the the wife is equal or less attactive then the men are more likely to disrespect them and step out on their "inferior" women. The study found this to be true even if the men claimed that they loved their wives. Only when the men are under the gun and feel priviledged to have a really hot wife are they willing to stay loyal. What the fawk will keep gay men loyal?

    By the way, I am not ugly, or fat, I have very low body fat, really nice face, and great body stats. I wear a size 14 shoe and wide. I get lots of attention but dont ask for it, women take pic of me with their cell phones on the street. I am hot and yet I cant get no respect. If I cant get no respect how the hell can anybody else?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    May 08, 2008 11:04 AM GMT
    There is no reason whatsoever that two gay men can't be monogamous if that's what they both want.

    Human beings have the ability to choose how they will behave no matter how tempting their options are. If one doesn't want to be monogamous, don't use biology as an excuse. Man up and be honest about what you want.
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    May 08, 2008 11:30 AM GMT
    As a relative newbie to the gay scene, recovering from my former heterosexual self, I can tell you this is true. The basis of a hetero relationship is creating a family, which is also a motivator to stay monogamous... without this in most homosexual relationships, what is there? Seems like the basis of alot of relationships is sexual and physical, and when that goes, so does the attention span. Sad.
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    May 08, 2008 11:39 AM GMT
    Why sad? If this is what we are, this is what we are. Embrace it. Don't feel you have to want something you don't want. You can't make yourself enjoy something that you can't tolerate. It's like making someone who's left handed use his right hand only.
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    May 08, 2008 12:24 PM GMT
    You are right! I am a cave man at heart, and I am going to go out this weekend and drag me home a hottie! It should be liberating to get out and explore new horizons rather than going home to a wife and crying kids eatting away at my retirement fund and trying to convince me to take a Disney Cruise! WOO HOO! THANKS McG, that original post got me down and on the wrong mindset!
  • thisguy023

    Posts: 204

    May 08, 2008 1:13 PM GMT
    I totally agree with Timberoo. It's all about choice.

    RunintheCity is right too. The average straight person is not more likely to be monogamous than the average gay person. People are people and temptation is temptation.
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    May 08, 2008 1:42 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidThere is no reason whatsoever that two gay men can't be monogamous if that's what they both want.

    Human beings have the ability to choose how they will behave no matter how tempting their options are. If one doesn't want to be monogamous, don't use biology as an excuse. Man up and be honest about what you want.


    but couldn't the same argument be made about homosexuality in general?
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    May 08, 2008 1:43 PM GMT
    On the one hand, I think it's odd that gay men often try to superimpose the heterosexual courting and marriage model upon the gay experience. On the other hand, I think we need to acknowledge that sexuality is one of -- if not the most -- defining characteristics of gay life. For some people, spending one's life with that special someone is completely acceptable and appropriate. For others, limiting one's sexual experience to a single person is constraining and, dare I say, near to impossible. Those in the second category may find that, by occasionally playing together, they can fulfill certain sexual fantasies while also maintaining a loving, committed relationship. This is tricky, though, as it requires clear boundaries and strong communication skills.

    The bottom line is that, along the same lines as Timberoo's sentiments, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom." (-Viktor Frankl)

    And by the way, men aren't so much "shit" as they are hard-wired to sow their wild oats. I believe this to be an evolutionary instinct which, at least among heterosexuals, is designed to ensure the propagation of the species. Rather than dismiss all men as whoring bastards, perhaps it's better to acknowledge the way things are and to adjust expectations and attitudes, accordingly.
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    May 08, 2008 2:07 PM GMT
    I was in a 3 yr relationship and had no problem with monogamy- as some people here said, if it is what you want, then you will have it. It can be challenging, but it's not impossible. Not all guys spend their time dicking around, even when they're single.
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    May 08, 2008 2:11 PM GMT
    You end with telling us how hot you are and how you can't find guys who respect you. Have you considered that perhaps this is your fault? The innuendo about how big your dick is was very lovely, but why get us all hot an bothered while complaining about dearth of monogamous men? Maybe the problem is that you are looking for men who are not interested in a LTR. There are certainly legions of men out there who want monogamy and a home and children and all that stuff.

    No disrespect intended.
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    May 08, 2008 2:16 PM GMT
    nickd1975 saidAs a relative newbie to the gay scene, recovering from my former heterosexual self, I can tell you this is true. The basis of a hetero relationship is creating a family, which is also a motivator to stay monogamous... without this in most homosexual relationships, what is there? Seems like the basis of alot of relationships is sexual and physical, and when that goes, so does the attention span. Sad.


    I have to disagree with the statement of the basis of heterosexual relationships is to create a family and I'm assume having children. There are quite a few married, and not, heterosexual couples who have chosen not to have children. I know quite a few of them. Each has a reason for their coupling and seem to be content to varying degrees.

    Again, it's about the choices we make in our lives. Do you choose to have or not have children? Do you choose to be monogomous? This applies to anyone, gay, straight, bi.

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    May 08, 2008 2:31 PM GMT
    jackozmodernlife said
    but couldn't the same argument be made about homosexuality in general?


    I think it could. Being gay is not a choice, but being sexually active is. But of course, that's a freedom we are entitled to.
  • Timbales

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    May 08, 2008 3:51 PM GMT
    jackozmodernlife said[quote][cite]Timberoo said[/cite]There is no reason whatsoever that two gay men can't be monogamous if that's what they both want.

    Human beings have the ability to choose how they will behave no matter how tempting their options are. If one doesn't want to be monogamous, don't use biology as an excuse. Man up and be honest about what you want.


    but couldn't the same argument be made about homosexuality in general?[/quote]

    it could also be made for heterosexuality
  • jarhead5536

    Posts: 1348

    May 08, 2008 3:56 PM GMT
    I call bullshit bullshit bullshit. We are human beings, not mindless animals rutting in the mud. If monogamy is important to you, you do it.


    Period.
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    May 08, 2008 7:14 PM GMT
    You are in your 30's and you seem so jilted and cynical. Try searching on this site for all the guys that are in monogamous relationships. Also, try reading some of the threads where guys write about wanting to be in a monogamous relationship. You must be looking in all the wrong places. Maybe, if you tried carrying a more positive attitude about gay guys out there you would meet up with a guy who is a hottie like yourself and you could live happily ever after and all that.icon_rolleyes.gif
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    May 08, 2008 7:19 PM GMT
    I've never had trouble being monogamous. It's the 9 out of 10 guys who cheated on me who had the problem. It hurts, and I haven't, don't and won't done it to anyone else. I don't put my dick before my heart and mind. I really don't think there's a good reason to cheat on someone, or to do it as revenge or a way to pass the buck to the next guy. It's stupid and so are cheaters. Yes, I'm inbittered by cheating guys. A really man doesn't cheat. A real owns up to his commitments. I won't embrace a pathetic copout just because it may feel good, and be easily blamed on the mere fact that I happen to be a gay man. That's bull.
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    May 08, 2008 7:42 PM GMT
    I believe monogamy is like everything in life a choice, I also believe you shouldn’t just settle for anyone, for monogamy to work both individuals must agree to it, you’ll realize once you find that “perfect” person you’ll see monogamy not as a chore but an honorable obligation.
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    May 08, 2008 7:54 PM GMT
    Back in 2001, I left my partner after 17 years. In that time our relationship was mongomous...it was simply "not an option" to "play" (I still cringe when I hear that word). I've only slept with 2 guys in the last 5 years. Both I dated, so no tricks for me...My inner-circle of friends here in Dallas are all coupled. I only have one single friend and within our group he's considered the "slut"....My "couple" friends ALL play outside of their relationships. They're quite open about it...I've taken a "It doesn't effect me" attitude. Sometimes when we go out as a group, I get uneasy with the situation...it seems like nobody goes out to have fun with their friends...they go out to find a hook-up...it frustrates me. I always have that vision of "The Hunger" in my head where the vampires go out to the bars to find their "prey", take them home, ravage the prey, throw it out into the dumpster, kiss their mate good night and have sweet dreams about how "in love" they are. I don't know who I'm more repulsed by....the couple or the "prey" that chooses to go home with the couple.
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    May 08, 2008 8:34 PM GMT
    raise your hand if you want to die alone with no legacy...

    Sort of a separate issue from monogamy, but in the same ballpark. We all want different things in life. For some people here and now is enough, for others with foresight, its a bit different. I personally like the idea of family. Friends come and go and relationships are uncertain but family has always been there for me. How could I not want to perpetuate that? Of course I'm not looking to start a family right now, but I hope I will eventually when the time is right.

    As far as open relationships go, why not, so long as its open for both and there is a clear understanding of boundaries etc and both are capable of separating sex from emotions. But sneaking around and expecting the other guy to stay monogamous is not fair.
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    May 08, 2008 9:03 PM GMT
    Gosh, I feel my hand going up! No legacy? What do you mean?

    In my experience, some men are capable of, and want, a monogamous relationship. Maybe you're not attracted to that type (they may not spend hours at the gym in preference to developing themselves as people)

    I get the feeling (but I'm no social scientist) that women, in essence, slow men down in hetero relationships and that men, by and large (but not always!) are "pigs," "dogs," or what have you.

    So, when two dogs get together, what can one expect?

    Charlie
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    May 08, 2008 9:51 PM GMT
    Wow, thanks for all the comments, man I really a'preciate it. Personally I am in a difficult situation where I have access to plenty of hot guys but since I am closeted it is more difficult for me to act on it. I really dont want to add "looking for sex" as a complication to my life. My b/f is hot and can do whatever he wants without such problems. He is very good at creating such situations, fucking brilliant, and I am sure that he has thought this out. The thing is I really do care for him. The last time he cheated he bought me a car-a nice one- this time nothing. I dont need a another car, if I want one I can buy it myself. I just need honesty, and loyality. I don't want to throw him out but while he has renounced outside sex for now, the whole thing bothers me. Yes, I am most likely insecure about it, possessive in a kinda retro cave-man way. Is it wrong to want loyality/committment, if not honesty? Why do I have it invested in sexual committment? Why is it all about sexual loyality. Am I repressed? Does repressing my gay identity lead to a repression of a natural desire to have sex with more than one guy? I dont want to get a disease, and may have caught a minor one from him. Sex is ok, but not great like it use to be, he is less into it and claims that his overall drive is down but I am not so sure that if given the opportunity he wouldn't jump on it.

    What about dealing with cheating? How have different couples dealth with someone stepping out on them in the relationship? How do you get over that and move on in gay relationships? Man, this is is eating me up. How would you organize an open relationship, he says he doesn't want to play together if it is open. We are different types so he thinks it would not work out. How do open couples manage that? If you have sex with others only when you travel what if you could travel whenever you wanted? Man how do you put limits on a life with no limits? The thing is now I got to thinking, if he is steping out all disrespecting our relationship then there are sexual things that I could get into, fawking kinky and sh--t, but then again where does this leave us as a couple, me as a person? So I can be as divided bout this as anyone else, but then I dont want to go there because its like drugs and alchol, it can really spiral outta control. Again staying together how do you keep it together within some limits when your life is mostly without limits?

    Would like to hear from more couples bout this, or if anybody knows where couples would talk bout this deep sh--t,not many monogomous couples here and like to know how the couples here overcame these issues that it seems like are common to us all.
    Thanks everyone
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    May 09, 2008 12:37 AM GMT
    CarlosGringo saidSo, when two dogs get together, what can one expect?

    Charlie


    OH I could comment on that.. OOH I sooo could.. alright I will

    Lots of growling, lots of yelping, lots of drool, teeth being bared, being roughed up.. oh dear icon_smile.gif

    My poor little innocent mind is being filled with dirty thoughts.. Shame on you Mr, shame on you icon_redface.gif
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    May 09, 2008 1:11 AM GMT
    hmm more to say now.

    I think the thing I find most common is relationships with gay men, is they become very locked at the hips together..

    What I mean is, everyone one goes, the other goes too.

    I think that many men place to much stock in the relationship and stop going out and having fun with friends, having "mate" time I suppose I'd call it.

    I think that both people need to have there own interests (outside of work) and actively pursue them for them selfs yes its great to bring your partner into it, thats great, but you also need to do things on your own without them.

    of course, this is just my working theory.
    I know that when I'm with mates and when I'm with a partner I'm different, not totally, but with mates there are things we will find hysterical but our partners wouldn't or story's or what ever, your just different with mates..

    And with a partner, I'm more gentle, loving, caring and would never do or say some of the things I'd say to a mate!
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    May 09, 2008 1:26 AM GMT
    I want a mono relationship. Been through the 1 night stands in the 80s and 90s, which weren't worth a damn. Give me a partner for life and you won't see me here again. Guess I am too selectiveicon_rolleyes.gif
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    May 09, 2008 1:26 AM GMT
    Luckydog76 saidGive me a partner for life and you won't see me here again. Guess I am too selectiveicon_rolleyes.gif


    you gonna go get tubby after finding a partner?