Coming out

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    Aug 28, 2011 4:35 AM GMT
    Well you know just by reading the title what this is going to be about. Im 19, i dont act flamboyant. I have a few gay friends, some bi friends many straight friends and alot of family. How will i know when to do it? I am most likely going to cry doing it and i dont know how ill do it. Im not sure if there are things to know when coming out...but if there are im not familiar with them. Please help me with what you know.
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    Aug 28, 2011 4:44 AM GMT
    I've been out for 20 years...came out to friends with great success at age 21, and came out (err, got caught) at age 23 by my parents.

    Being raised in a fundamentalist Christian family, that was quite a shock to them. Fortunately my dad died a year later. He never fully accepted it. Now come Monday, I'm letting my mom know I'm officially disowning her. She's been a religious pain in my side the entire 18 years she's known. (she's on vacation this weekend so I can't let her know til Monday). I dropped my brother years ago...the fag hater is an asshole.

    Other than immediate family, I've been surrounded by supportive people.

    Only you will know when you're ready, but the initial coming phase is the hardest. Once the deed is done, your life WILL get better...if you make it that way.

    I wish you the best of luck. *hugs* icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 28, 2011 4:48 AM GMT
    Usually people come out of the closet when they get sick & tired of living in the closet,When they just had enough of it. You'll just know when the time is right,It's not something someone can give you a date for,sadly lol.

    Just make sure you have a good support system when you do come out,because things can go wrong sometimes.
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    Aug 28, 2011 4:53 AM GMT
    I cried too when I came out -- because I was so happy. But then I was much older than you, and had my safety nets in place. I had earned myself a guaranteed income for life and no one could hurt me.

    Your own situation at 19 may be less secure & independent. Do nothing to shoot yourself in the foot, if you're still reliant on family who might disown you should they learn you're gay.

    There's nothing shameful or wrong in biding your time, versus self-destructing on principle or impatience. Don't play into the hands of your opponents, but rather, be more clever than they are. If you have to play deceptive games in order to survive, then do it.

    One successful gay is worth more than ten destroyed ones. The very fact that you know you're gay is already a victory.
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    Aug 28, 2011 5:53 AM GMT
    denton saidi dont act flamboyant.
    prove this or you are probably a total queen and everybody already knows
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    Aug 28, 2011 5:55 AM GMT
    Chances are that a lot of people around you already know.

    Its not an easy process, but do it when you feel comfortable doing it.

    If anybody pressures you to do it, tell them to fuck off.
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    Aug 28, 2011 5:56 AM GMT
    Anduru said
    denton saidi dont act flamboyant.
    prove this or you are probably a total queen and everybody already knows


    but not as big of a queen as you are. your majesty.

    tumblr_kq8kzk63GB1qa1xnko1_500.gif
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    Aug 28, 2011 5:57 AM GMT
    waimea saidbut not as big of a queen as you are. your majesty.

    tumblr_kq8kzk63GB1qa1xnko1_500.gif
    of course not, but I've been out since I was 14 so I don't need to worry about it.
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    Aug 28, 2011 5:58 AM GMT
    Anduru said
    waimea saidbut not as big of a queen as you are. your majesty.

    tumblr_kq8kzk63GB1qa1xnko1_500.gif
    of course not, but I've been out since I was 14 so I don't need to worry about it.

    I am jealous. I hope someday I can come out to people that I know. icon_sad.gif
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    Aug 28, 2011 6:04 AM GMT
    waimea saidI am jealous. I hope someday I can come out to people that I know. icon_sad.gif
    Oh you poor girl.
    tumblr_lma3x5W1271qbzgf9o1_500.gif
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    Aug 28, 2011 6:09 AM GMT
    Anduru said
    waimea saidI am jealous. I hope someday I can come out to people that I know. icon_sad.gif
    Oh you poor girl.
    [much awesome pic of queens of hearts than mine]

    I am a poor gurl! You have such a keen sense of character. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 28, 2011 12:35 PM GMT
    My experience: sooner is better; less regret that way.

    one person at a time and yes, even if your the buchest guy in town, most already know and respect you enough to let you tell them when you're ready.

    I also feel that it usually happens when you meet that one guy you just have to share your feelings about.
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    Aug 28, 2011 1:08 PM GMT
    I'm not out yet, but when i will come out it will be to friend/friends i trust first, i think it's really good to have someone supporting you if your comming out, especially if its comming out to your family. I wish you best of luck! =D

    /StarCraver
  • paduk

    Posts: 58

    Aug 28, 2011 3:41 PM GMT
    Even if you cry is not a big deal :-)
    If you search on the internet coming out you will find a few websites where they give you some advice.
    Have you ever heard your parents talking about homosexuality? Not that this is going to make the coming out easier but at least, if they are open minded about it, chances are that they should be fine about you.
    Also, if you have the feeling that they might go nuts just wait until you are financially independent (as art deco suggests) or at least you live by yourself.
    About your friends, well with the gay ones I guess they are going to be happy to have somebody else on their side.
    When I first came out I did it with a lesbian friend of mine, just to be super sure :-)))
    For the remaining part of your friends, the ones having a problem with that...better to lose them now.
    Hugs
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    Aug 28, 2011 4:00 PM GMT
    Sounds like you're really wrestling with a lot of questions and uncertainty about this. No one can tell you what's best to do because no one knows all of your circumstances.

    But if it's any help, let me recommend a website that might give you some good first-person stories from people around your age who have come out, some in conservative areas, and who are also student athletes like you.

    http://bradrobertben.wordpress.com/
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    Aug 28, 2011 6:00 PM GMT
    I live in a family of many generations of Christianity (to many to count) and i dont think my step dad would accept it because he talks about all gays going to hell but he never mentions religious gays, he calls the pope an idiot for accepting gays into his church. It makes me want to smack the living crap out of him for saying that but i cant because the lord says "Obey they mother and thy father" and i do. I already know most of my family and friends dont know im Gay because i have some really straight friends who are trying to get me to have sex with a girl. Especially one friend who's sex drive is a factory lol. Im not ready now and i dont know when i will be ready, i have already told my gay friends and they had some questions for me. "When did you accept it?" "When did you realize it?" stuff like that.
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    Aug 28, 2011 6:49 PM GMT
    Man, I saw and grabbed a great quote yesterday which totally applies:
    "God loves you, it's the Christians who hate you."

    Your family tradition is so strong that you're going to need to allow yourself plenty of time - to not try and shake all of that, unless you choose, instead to make reconciliation. Anybody can abide by religious principles whether or not they choose to subscribe to the whole package. Though I'm agnostic one of the tenets many faith traditions share, as do I, is that someone has to be forgiving. "...for they know not what they do," is one I'm sure you've heard. Do your best to keep that in mind because realistically, the news is not going to be warmly embraced. (Though one never knows. icon_smile.gif )

    There is a nonsectarian national group which has some stuff to read specific to the religious question: http://www.pflag.org What's also really good about this organization is that they put no restrictions on who goes to one of their chapter meetings. Untold thousands of BLGT people aged from their teens to WAY older have found an instant support system and even "parent wanna-be's" by visiting. This sort of safety net is crucial to have in place before you take that big step. We here on RJ can give you all the supportive words and virtual hugs you can stand. It makes a huge difference to receive these from real live humans (real hugs at that), though.

    Know that you're walking a path which scads of people have walked before (or, run the xc course of if you prefer. icon_wink.gif ) And just because some of us have made it, doesn't mean we're not willing to step back and walk it with you.

    One more quote and I'm out, this one from African-American Christian tradition: "I'm not junk. God made me, and He don't make no junk."
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    Aug 28, 2011 7:04 PM GMT
    No need to rush anything. You'll know when you want to come out. But just by thinking this hard about it, it sounds like it might happen sooner than later.

    I just came out this summer, and granted I would have never thought I'd be out this soon. I was so set on staying hidden and keeping my sexuality a secret. But for some odd reason, I just felt this incredible urge to stop pretending. So i told my mom first. She was really understanding. My dad was definitely not. Though they told me they both loved me no matter what, the acceptance is not there. But it takes a lot of time. I told all my siblings and they we're the most supportive and understanding.

    To be honest, I thought coming out was going to be the scariest, most terrible thing I would have to face. But it turned out to be incredibly liberating and was one of the greatest things I've ever done. I feel a thousand times better than when I was in the closet. It also weeded out the shitty friends.

    You'll know when the time is right. I suggest talking with you're parents first, since they are the hardest ones to deal with. Just take little steps, no need to come out full force. If you need anything or just need to talk, I'm here for you. Just shoot me a message.

    Best of luck with this! I know things will be fine.
  • Lightspike

    Posts: 3

    Aug 28, 2011 8:05 PM GMT
    I'm not totally out yet either, so i can understand. Luckily my parents have never been much into religion so i can breath a little easier. Regardless, i have yet to tell my father because he is a raging atheist "if its not logical, its not worth doing." So i almost have the opposite problem haha! I've decided to finally tell him after im in a serious relationship, and after he's already met my guy as a "friend." I've been smart inviting over allot of my straight (and some gay) friends to dinner with the fam on a regular basis, so he won't suspect a thing when its time to drop the bomb.

    Ultimately, I'd say find the one guy who's worth risking it all. Then you won't "have to tell" your family, you will "want to tell" them. Difference is, on the one hand your on the defensive and trying to hold onto a relationship- on the other, your fighting for building one. Fighting for what you believe in, is always the best solution. That said, don't be in a hurry to win the war, they aren't won overnight. Just focus on the small victories, they keep your going!
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    Aug 28, 2011 8:14 PM GMT
    denton saidi dont think my step dad would accept it because he talks about all gays going to hell but he never mentions religious gays


    It's very easy for some religious people to be very sanctimonious when they (in their own opinion) naturally embody everything God wants them to be. It also makes it easy for them to be judgmental against those they perceive as living a life outside of God's will. Keep this in mind.

    I grew up in the church. I know the mindset well. I went to a Christian university when I was 18. So I sympathize with you. Personally, I went the route of examining what I believed and why I believed it and came to the conclusion that there was no good reason to believe the Christian beliefs any more than the Buddhist, Muslim, or Hindu beliefs. I had no problem dismissing them as false.

    It wasn't a far stretch from there to realize that everyone believes the religion they grow up with, until maybe one day they realize there's no real basis for believing it's true.
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    Aug 28, 2011 8:18 PM GMT
    I was raised fundamental christian too.

    Never came out, even after my mom passed away. I've never had the courage to confront my dad over anything. So, when he proclaimed he doesn't support gay marriage during the Prop8 battle, I didn't risk our relationship by confronting him over his opinion.

    I'm 45 now. I'm sure he isn't a complete idiot. I am not in a position to plan a commitment ceremony any time soon, so "let sleeping dogs lie".

    What do you hope to gain by telling them?

  • matt13226

    Posts: 829

    Aug 28, 2011 8:28 PM GMT
    i came out my senior year in high school when i was 17 i told my dad when we went out to eat and i told my mom earlier and trust me they didnt really take it very well since i am roman catholic and going against my religion and everything my parents still havent really accepted it even though they say they have my mom flat out told me that she wished i was straight that i would be happier i just told her well im not and nothing u say or do is gonna change it so come out when you are ready if it feels right then do it and dont worry if they disown you cuz it happens quite alot in some families just remember you have family right here on realjock and that we all love you bro i hope everything goes well and wish you the best of luck.
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    Aug 28, 2011 9:45 PM GMT
    I am sure i will open up when i have my own financial and stable support because i am terrified of losing my family and not having anywhere to go. Someone on my cross country team came out and the guys seemed fine with it even when he went into the shower. I had no thoughts on the matter and i seemed to be fine with it. Ive been gay since middle school but i have been in acceptance since about 4 weeks ago. I am unsure what my family will think when i open up to them. I love mysteries but not when they involve my future.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Aug 28, 2011 9:54 PM GMT
    I came out to most people my senior year of college and attended my first Pride event at 25 around which time I came out to pretty much everyone else that didn't already know. IMO, being out is the most empowering thing a gay man can do for himself. You will know when the time is right. Your family may react badly for awhile so make sure you have at least some supportive friends before telling them. Most families come around after a few months and some even become their gay family member's biggest supporters. Good luck.
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    Aug 28, 2011 11:56 PM GMT
    Dude this kills me. I think my family will hate me if they know this side of me icon_sad.gif