In love with two men

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 30, 2011 9:16 PM GMT
    I'm a verified member, but this is something I haven't shared with anyone--not even my closest friends--and I felt the need to write about it anonymously. I hope you'll forgive me for the sock account, and that you'll offer me advice regardless.

    My partner and I have been together for ten years. We started dating when we were quite young--he was 23 and I 22. We moved in together six or seven years ago. I was his first, and last (and, no, I have no doubt about this). He was neither my first nor my last.

    I love this man with all my heart. He has stuck by me through the hardest times, and we have created beautiful memories together. After years of work, his family has opened its arms to me, and I have a great relationship with them. In many ways I'm closer to his mother than I am to my own. He and I have built a home together, and we are great partners. We give each other strength and honest love. We agree on the things that matter. We are, to anyone looking at us from the outside, the perfect couple.

    We are not lovers. We were never hot-and-heavy in bed, but we had a healthy sex life for the first few years. Now, however, it has been at least five years since we made love. I remained celibate for the first three of those five years--jerked off, and watched a lot of porn, but never hooked up.

    Two years ago we met another couple. The other couple had only been together a few months. One of them and I met first, and hit it off from the start. I introduced him to my partner and he introduced me to his boyfriend, because we wanted all four of us to be friends. Inevitably, though, he and I ended up in bed together. With him, I had the best sex I've ever had. We fell in love, and he broke up with his boyfriend. I promised I'd leave my partner.

    It has been two years, and I haven't been able to bring myself to end things with my partner. Yet my love for the other guy has only grown. My heart aches to be with him, and we continue to have great chemistry in bed. I basically turned him into my mistress, and have hurt him deeply, and I hate myself for it. I also hate myself for cheating on a man who I love and who loves me so much. My heart is a mess.

    Now, the other guy has decided to stop waiting for me. He is dating, and has slept with other guys. This drives me insane. If my partner hooked up with someone else it wouldn't bother me. But the thought of losing this guy is like a punch in the guts. We share a connection that goes beyond sex. We have the same interests, we agree on our deepest values and principles. I want to grow old with him, and have him by my side at the end to look back at our life together.

    But I also want to be with my partner. I have trouble walking away from everything we've built, and the thought of hurting and losing his family is enough to bring me to tears.

    I'm not sure what I'm asking you guys... I suppose in part I just needed to vent. It has been two years of feeling torn, and I can't talk to anyone about it. All of my friends are also my partner's friends. They'd understandably turn on me if they knew.

    How do I choose? How do I walk away from a man I love, who has stood by me, and whose family is like my own? But then again, how do I let go the man who might be the love of my life, the man who understands me better than anyone else, the man who has gone through a great deal of shit just to remain by my side?
  • Iakona

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    Aug 30, 2011 9:23 PM GMT
    I have a feeling that you are going to get torn apart putting that on this site.... but I know the relationships are more complex then black and white.... Sounds to me that you comfortable with your partner.... if you haven't had sex in 5 years, you are basically roommates.... If you have such a connection with this other guy, maybe it's time to move on. Do it soon though, so that you don't put your partner through any more pain.
    Just being comfortable in a relationship, doesn't mean you should stay in it. Yes, you still love him, but in what way? You need to ask yourself this question. Allow him and yourself to move on....

    That's just my two cents
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 30, 2011 9:23 PM GMT
    This is why I denounced monogamy (for myself) and chose polygamy.
    I have the not-so-rare ability to love more than one person, equally.
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    Aug 30, 2011 9:29 PM GMT
    Iakona saidI have a feeling that you are going to get torn apart putting that on this site...

    I've braced myself for that... but I have no other forum on which I can vent and get advice from people whose judgment I trust. Thank you for chipping in without judgment.

    paulflexes saidThis is why I denounced monogamy (for myself) and chose polygamy. I have the not-so-rare ability to love more than one person, equally.


    That would be convenient for me, but neither would be up for it. This I also know for a fact.
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    Aug 30, 2011 9:32 PM GMT
    Such a heavy subject.

    First of all, according to Art Deco, it's not a sock account, but a pseudonym:

    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/1780145/

    Second, I would like to let you know that my hats off to you that you were able to be as faithful for as long as you did.

    Third, I dunno the other guy, who you refer to as "love of your life" really is that. Because he's already dating and fucking other guys, that to me, the level of connection is different on his part. I also suspect that the moment you leave your partner, he will leave you as well. What is preventing him to think that "oh gee, if he did that with his current partner, someday he might do it to me as well."

    Fourth, this is really a question, does your partner know that you cheated? What's the relationship dynamics like now? Good? Not so good?
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    Aug 30, 2011 9:33 PM GMT
    "One of them and I met first, and hit it off from the start. I introduced him to my partner and he to my boyfriend, because we wanted all four of us to be friends."

    Did you mean to write: "... and he INTRODUCED ME to HIS boyfriend"?

    Yours is a very old story, not limited to gay men. The straight version of the spouse who falls for another person after years together is the stuff of countless books, plays & movies. And I think the remedies and consequences are all about the same and well known.

    Is it that you've fallen out of love for one guy, or fallen in love with another? Or both? If you still love the first guy, and he loves you, then the classic answer is that your prior obligations and his devotion to you outweigh the new. Plus you'd be trading a known quantity for a largely unknown one. After leaving your partner in the lurch today, it might be you in turn being abandoned tomorrow. Or living in a new situation not half as happy as the old one was, despite this current flash of passion (or lust?).

    I see no happy solution if you can't forget this new guy, unless you learn your partner is willing to part with you amicably. You mention all the reasons to NOT part with him, and him with you. Yet now you also feel you can't turn your back on the new guy. You're describing a lose-lose situation, and I see your quandary.

    I won't dwell on assigning blame or criticism. You're in this mess already, and one of you 3 is gonna get hurt. Personally I'd remain with my partner, if it's not too late already.
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    Aug 30, 2011 9:34 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidThis is why I denounced monogamy (for myself) and chose polygamy.

    I did not know this.
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    Aug 30, 2011 9:39 PM GMT
    waimea saidThird, I dunno the other guy, who you refer to as "love of your life" really is that. Because he's already dating and fucking other guys, that to me, the level of connection is different on his part. I also suspect that the moment you leave your partner, he will leave you as well. What is preventing him to think that "oh gee, if he did that with his current partner, someday he might do it to me as well."

    Fourth, this is really a question, does your partner know that you cheated? What's the relationship dynamics like now? Good? Not so good?

    He started seeing other people because he has come to believe that I'll never leave my partner. I don't blame him. He is young, too. His friends know the situation, and they all keep telling him to not waste his time with me.

    As to your question... My partner knows I cheated with this guy, but that was two years ago. He doesn't know the relationship continued. There's trust issues now, obviously, and our sex life has not improved. But overall, it's still a good relationship.
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    Aug 30, 2011 9:41 PM GMT
    Art_Deco saidDid you mean to write: "... and he INTRODUCED ME to HIS boyfriend"?

    Yes, that is what I meant to write.

    As to everything else you said... Sigh... Thank you for not jumping on me with criticism.

    I'm taking all this advice in for now. If I don't respond to every point right away, please don't take it as lack of interest. This is the first time I've said anything to anyone about this. I have a lot to process.
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    Aug 30, 2011 9:45 PM GMT

    Unfortunately, there's no easy way out of this. I'm not being unsympathetic, because I know first-hand how complicated/painful relationships can be... I was in a situation years ago that was similar enough for me to understand the agony.

    But the problem isn't that you made bad decisions in the past (that can be forgiven), but that you continue to knowingly make them. It's going to be painful, and hearts are going to be broken (including yours) but it's the right and best thing to do in the long run. It's way past time to make your move.

    Harden yourself up for it and do it. No other advice is relevant.

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    Aug 30, 2011 9:48 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said...you'd be trading a known quantity for a largely unknown one. (...) despite this current flash of passion (or lust?).

    I see no happy solution if you can't forget this new guy...
    See, part of my dilemma here, and part of the reason why it weighs so heavy on me is that by now, two years later, the "new" guy is not really all that new. It's no longer just a flash of passion. We've taken trips together. We've fought, and reconciled. We... well... we have been in a relationship for two years. That's my problem... I've been in two relationships now for two years.
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    Aug 30, 2011 9:50 PM GMT
    I guess you should think about how you want to live your life.

    What kind of life will you have if you stay with your current relationship?

    What kind of life will you have if you go with your love of your life?

    I know this is a very weird suggestion but I think it's worth a try: Go away to a brand new place, take a very short vacation for like one or two nights, just by yourself. Clear your mental gutters and really listen to what's going on with your heart. It sounds like you have conflicting needs and wants, and that is why your heart is being torn apart.

    Hopefully at a point you some sort of revelation will come to you, a moment that hits you, and all of the sudden that your mind become completely clear and that will be your answer. Good luck. Unfortunately that's the best advice that I think anyone can give you right now.

    If some queen start coming in to this thread and give you shit and drama, just tell them to shove it up their asses.
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    Aug 30, 2011 9:52 PM GMT
    You need to be open with your partner about this immediately. Think of how it will tear him up inside how long you have lied to him. And I also think you should leave him, because, sorry to say it, your partner deserves better than this.
  • WestMI_Man

    Posts: 14

    Aug 30, 2011 9:54 PM GMT
    Can you love more than one person at a time? I agree with Paul above - yes.

    The question you have to ask yourself is this what do "you" want? You say you are cheating on your partner, yet you haven't had sex in a number of years. Does your partner on some level know you are seeing another man? If he does how does he feel about it?

    Obviously the other man knows you are are in love with your partner because you are still with him. And even though he has started seeing others it sounds like he is still seeing you, so on some level he has excepted the arrangement. Even though you feel hurt that he is seeing others it is him that has made the decision to continue seeing you.

    Ask yourself are you are waiting for one of them to make the decision you are avoiding. That certainly does work however it can lead to losing both men.

    You say neither would be open to you remaining in a relationship with both however you haven't asked your partner. So you really don't know for sure. You also talk about the other guy in more of a sexual way. Is he fulfilling a need based on sex you are not getting in your relationship with your partner? Are you sure it is not just sex or lust? Both of which fade after time.

    Not sure I can offer any advice other than what I've said above. My partner & I have been together 24 years. We have an understanding when it comes to sex. We look at it more like playing a sport with others. You can have a lot of fun and get hot and sweaty. But we always go home with each other.

    Best of luck... icon_smile.gif
  • EricLA

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    Aug 30, 2011 9:55 PM GMT
    The boyfriend you have sex with has been very patient. TOO patient. I assume he wants to have a monogamous relationship with you. Even if he could accept a relationship where you are with him and the boyfriend you've been with for years, you'd have to convince your long-term partner of that. That might work, or you simply will have to choose. You've had your cake and eaten it, too. You've had the best of both worlds. Life doesn't always provide us with conflicts in our lives that are easy. But, you've been extremely unfair to both of these men -- being unfaithful to your partner of many years and leading on your newer boyfriend to believe you'd break up with the long-term boyfriend. It's time to grow up and make the hard decisions. No one can tell you the right thing to do for you.
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    Aug 30, 2011 10:00 PM GMT
    WestMI_Man saidAsk yourself are you are waiting for one of them to make the decision you are avoiding. That certainly does work however it can lead to losing both men.

    This.

    EricLA saidYou've had your cake and eaten it, too. You've had the best of both worlds. (...) It's time to grow up and make the hard decisions. No one can tell you the right thing to do for you.

    And, this.

    Yet, all I can say at this point is "sigh." And, thank you for the honesty.
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    Aug 30, 2011 10:08 PM GMT
    It doesn't sound like you have the choice to be with other guy anymore- he's moved on. It might be hard to lure him back since you've been stringing him along these last couple years.

    Are you fooling yourself that things are so good with your partner? If they are so good (besides sex) how could you share such a special connection with him as well as the new guy? I suppose it's possible, but it's not believable. How stressful has it been to live like this?

    It sounds like you might not have the choice of either of them. Good luck to you. If I were you, I'd come clean to your partner about your feelings for this other man. Let him process it and draw his own conclusions about how he feels about it and if he wants to remain with you. He might let you go (if he has self-respect). Then I guess, go after the other guy. Hurry, might be too late. What a mess you got yourself in. Be well and good luck!
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    Aug 30, 2011 10:10 PM GMT
    WestMI_Man saidYou say neither would be open to you remaining in a relationship with both however you haven't asked your partner. So you really don't know for sure. You also talk about the other guy in more of a sexual way. Is he fulfilling a need based on sex you are not getting in your relationship with your partner? Are you sure it is not just sex or lust? Both of which fade after time.

    Actually, I have talked to my partner about this. He adamantly refuses. He have friends who have open relationships, and he loudly criticizes them (not to their face). An open relationship would simply go against his principles.

    I share a connection with the other man that goes beyond sex. We have similar interests. Sex has become less important in our relationship over the course of the last two years... We still make love, and it's still good, but as is to be expected, it's not as "hot and heavy" as it was in the beginning. And that's ok. And, well, he would be more open to the idea of an open relationship than my partner ever would be.
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    Aug 30, 2011 10:15 PM GMT
    I have this exact same problem... I'm in love with my partner and Ryan Gosling.
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    Aug 30, 2011 10:15 PM GMT
    Whatever you choose there is going to be sadness and hurt.
    You want it all, but you can't have it all.

    It sounds like the man who you cheated with has realized that you're not going to leave the man who has stood by your side all this time. He's moving on. And so he should. He should have never gotten involved with you in the first place. I hope he has learned his lesson about getting entangled with those who are already partnered.

    My guess is that your partner knows exactly what's going on and chooses to stay silent despite how your shenanigans have selfishly cuckolded him, disrespected him, and demeaned the value of the 10 year relationship which you are preparing to throw away.

    You should consider the value of going to a relationship counselor or a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting before you make an even greater fool of yourself.

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    Aug 30, 2011 10:22 PM GMT
    waimea said
    paulflexes saidThis is why I denounced monogamy (for myself) and chose polygamy.

    I did not know this.
    It's been in my profile since day one. icon_wink.gif
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    Aug 30, 2011 10:31 PM GMT
    Mr. Torn

    Let's start with why did the sex life between u and ur partner disappear? and what did u do (both of u) to revive it?

    Then, what if ur being in a relationship with the "new" guy is because u connect with him sexually more than any other connection in a way that u deep inside feel that he can always satisfy u sexually and that is why u want to keep him? (kind of a safety net if things didn't work with ur partner).

    I say that, u honestly speak to yourself and know why ur doing this. THEN, I know its gona sound ridiculous, call for a meeting ( you and your boyfriends) and tell them the truth, that u are in a relationship with both of them... and that u love them both and both mean a great deal to you and see where it goes, he who lingers and stick to you is the one who really loves you for who u are no matter what, and he will be able to forgive everything because he truly loves you and you should then respect him and do all your best to make him happy.

    Sounds stupid but it might be the last resort if nothing else worked...

    My heart is with you man, take care
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    Aug 30, 2011 10:32 PM GMT
    GAMRican saidMy guess is that your partner knows exactly what's going on and chooses to stay silent despite how your shenanigans have selfishly cuckolded him, disrespected him, and demeaned the value of the 10 year relationship which you are preparing to throw away.

    He probably does. And I know I don't sound like it, but I'm otherwise a reasonably smart, responsible, and caring guy. I'm in tears now, and have been before. I'm not mentioning this for pity. I don't let others see me cry. But as long as I've opened up to you people about this, I might as well continue to be fully open.

    I know I've hurt them both so much. And it pains me to know this. Yes, they've both had a hand to play in this "tragedy" as well. The one, by choosing to stay with me (wait for me) for two years. The other, because, well, who the fuck do I think I'm kidding?! He fucking knows. I see it in his eyes. And I see in the other one's eyes that he wants to grow old with me, as I do with him, and that he's not going to date anyone seriously because he hopes I'll eventually come to him. And I just want to fucking stab myself for the dick I've been to both of them.
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    Aug 30, 2011 10:39 PM GMT
    Torn443 said... And I just want to fucking stab myself for the dick I've been to both of them.


    Try a therapist or SLAA meeting first. Really.
  • allezallez

    Posts: 50

    Aug 30, 2011 10:47 PM GMT
    "If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one. Because if you really loved the first one, then you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.” - Johnny Depp

    If your first partner satisfied you in every way imagine, then you would have no reason to go looking for a second. If you are going to stick with him, then you need to work on this. If you are going to leave him, then leave him for his own good, because he deserves someone that can fulfill his every need, and for your own good, because you deserve someone who can fulfill your every need.

    The most unfortunate part of this is that it's taken ten years of a relationship to start questioning it.