feel guilty about hookups?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 30, 2011 10:01 PM GMT
    Suppressed my sexual impulses for the longest time because i was never comfortable with being gay. finally got frustrated senior year of college and started going online for hook ups. never saw myself dating a guy or having a relationship but accidentally fell in love. we secretly dated (long distance so it was easy to hide) for a year and i screwed up and the relationship couldn't survive. I've made some positive changes in my life over the past 3 months including coming out to family. But now all i want is a ltr. i feel guilty about my past hook ups and even the thought a one night stand/hooking up now just makes me feel sick. Has anyone else had a similar experience? am i over thinking it? are hookups "normal"?
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    Aug 30, 2011 10:21 PM GMT
    hairymusclejock saidSuppressed my sexual impulses for the longest time because i was never comfortable with being gay. finally got frustrated senior year of college and started going online for hook ups. never saw myself dating a guy or having a relationship but accidentally fell in love. we secretly dated (long distance so it was easy to hide) for a year and i screwed up and the relationship couldn't survive. I've made some positive changes in my life over the past 3 months including coming out to family. But now all i want is a ltr. i feel guilty about my past hook ups and even the thought a one night stand/hooking up now just makes me feel sick. Has anyone else had a similar experience? am i over thinking it? are hookups "normal"?


    My experience is that hookups are like "fast food". They may be tasty in the moment, but they make you feel like shit afterwards. Been there. Done that. The risks and feelings afterwards are not worth the momentary biological twitching.
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    Aug 30, 2011 10:24 PM GMT
    GAMRican said
    hairymusclejock saidSuppressed my sexual impulses for the longest time because i was never comfortable with being gay. finally got frustrated senior year of college and started going online for hook ups. never saw myself dating a guy or having a relationship but accidentally fell in love. we secretly dated (long distance so it was easy to hide) for a year and i screwed up and the relationship couldn't survive. I've made some positive changes in my life over the past 3 months including coming out to family. But now all i want is a ltr. i feel guilty about my past hook ups and even the thought a one night stand/hooking up now just makes me feel sick. Has anyone else had a similar experience? am i over thinking it? are hookups "normal"?


    My experience is that hookups are like "fast food". They may be tasty in the moment, but they make you feel like shit afterwards. Been there. Done that. The risks and feelings afterwards are not worth the momentary biological twitching.


    well put! kinda feel the same way now.
  • ConnerHabib

    Posts: 47

    Aug 30, 2011 10:26 PM GMT
    Hook ups are awesome as long as you don't expect from them what you'd expect from having sex with someone you care about/love. They fullfil different needs entirely.

    Do some work understanding why it is you want the hook up and what you hope to get out of it. If it's love and emotional care, don't do it - of course that will make you feel crummy afterward. If it's something else that's more in line with what a hook up can actually give to you, then go for it and enjoy it.
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    Aug 30, 2011 10:27 PM GMT
    It is now a part of my past. Some I enjoyed and some I did not, but I feel no guilt about them.
  • WestMI_Man

    Posts: 14

    Aug 30, 2011 10:30 PM GMT
    If you feel guilty after a hookup....

    A - Don't do it!

    B - Do it but learn to get over it

    +1 - ConnerHabib
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    Aug 30, 2011 10:32 PM GMT
    Iceblink saidIt is now a part of my past. Some I enjoyed and some I did not, but I feel no guilt about them.



    ^
    that.

    and yes you're overthinking it

    It isn't the end of the world
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    Aug 30, 2011 10:32 PM GMT
    Still a virgin!

    Maybe it's my medical training, i find hookups very 'unclean' as you're exchanging body fluids with someone whose background you have no clue of?!
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    Aug 30, 2011 10:39 PM GMT
    ConnerHabib saidHook ups are awesome as long as you don't expect from them what you'd expect from having sex with someone you care about/love. They fullfil different needs entirely.

    Do some work understanding why it is you want the hook up and what you hope to get out of it. If it's love and emotional care, don't do it - of course that will make you feel crummy afterward. If it's something else that's more in line with what a hook up can actually give to you, then go for it and enjoy it.

    +1

    I never refrained from having hook-ups when I was single and could get them. They were fun, safe as I could make them, and I considered them part of my accelerated education as a late bloomer, preparing me for more permanent & meaningful things I hoped would come. My gay "mentor" always told me there was mindless sex, and commitment sex, and either was fine so long as you knew the difference and didn't do them both at once.
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    Aug 30, 2011 10:42 PM GMT
    hairymusclejock saidfeel guilty about hookups?
    Not in the least bit.
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    Aug 30, 2011 10:44 PM GMT
    Well u might be over thinking ... but thats good , u changed .. just dun do it again if dun want to
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    Aug 30, 2011 10:47 PM GMT
    I don't think you're over thinking this, Hairymuscle. I think the whole realisation about hook-ups not being the end all and be all comes to us all eventually. For some, it comes early on, for others, it is past due.

    For my own part, I fall between GAMRican and ConnerHabib on the whole hook-up question. Yes, there is the whole "been there, done that" and the dy after's "why did I do that?" but, if you can keep it clear in your head that it is what it is, then yes, they can be pretty awesome.

    Don't worry about what anyone else is doing or how they think you should be behaving. Do what you're comfortable with, what makes you happy and what feels good for you, period. Life is too short and too hard for anything less.

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    Aug 30, 2011 10:55 PM GMT
    I have felt guilty after a semi-hook up that I walked out on cuz it just didn't feel right...haven't done one ever since and don't think I will. It's just not who I am. And that's perfectly all right!
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    Aug 30, 2011 11:10 PM GMT
    shyjock saidStill a virgin!


    "A gentleman in public, a whore in the bedroom."

    Given your post, this statement from your profile is a bit confusing.
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    Aug 30, 2011 11:31 PM GMT
    I know what you mean but sometimes you just need it man. Give yourself a break and just be mindful of your mood going into it. If you're in the need for intimacy, you'll need to invest in a good friend w/ benefits type set up. Otherwise, understand that it's ok to release every so often.
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    Aug 30, 2011 11:31 PM GMT
    hairymusclejock saidSuppressed my sexual impulses for the longest time because i was never comfortable with being gay. finally got frustrated senior year of college and started going online for hook ups. never saw myself dating a guy or having a relationship but accidentally fell in love. we secretly dated (long distance so it was easy to hide) for a year and i screwed up and the relationship couldn't survive. I've made some positive changes in my life over the past 3 months including coming out to family. But now all i want is a ltr. i feel guilty about my past hook ups and even the thought a one night stand/hooking up now just makes me feel sick. Has anyone else had a similar experience? am i over thinking it? are hookups "normal"?


    Hey hairymusclejock, it's all in the past now, so you shouldn't have anything to worry about icon_smile.gif. What is most important is that you have learnt what you had to learn and you continue doing what you want. Best luck for the future -- we're here for you!
  • pelotudo87

    Posts: 225

    Aug 30, 2011 11:55 PM GMT
    I would say to view your hookup as relieving sexual frustration. Would you expect a straight man to go till the age of 22 without any sort of contact with the opposite sex? Gay men, on the other hand, often times have no way to explore their sexuality when they are younger, so they have to "get it" any way they can.

    Don't beat yourself up about it. You had no opportunity to explore your sexuality earlier in life in a more traditional way. You tried to hold out as long as you could, but then you just couldn't take it any longer (which is totally natural).
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    Aug 31, 2011 12:01 AM GMT
    I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. We're all groping around trying to figure out life. Sounds like you made some mistakes in the past and you're learning or trying to learn from them.

    I would ask yourself why you feel shame around hooking up. Is it because there's still some lingering shame around being gay or is it because you realize you're not getting what you wanted or needed.

    I'll echo the others....hooking up because you just want some pent up sexual release isn't necessarily anything to feel guilty about so long as you're not using or manipulating the other guy.

    But, if you're using sex to make yourself feel better because you're lonely or need affection...that's probably not such a good idea and may be why you feel bad afterwards. I generally feel the same way too.
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    Aug 31, 2011 12:05 AM GMT
    Well I think my penis feels guilty about hooking up because the past 2-3 times it's happened I've never been able to get off or hard for that matter.

    Slowly but surely I've stopped doing it because it's not even fun...not sure why this has happened over the past 3 months.
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    Aug 31, 2011 12:08 AM GMT
    Defenseon saidWell I think my penis feels guilty about hooking up because the past 2-3 times it's happened I've never been able to get off or hard for that matter.

    Slowly but surely I've stopped doing it because it's not even fun...not sure why this has happened over the past 3 months.


    This.
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    Aug 31, 2011 12:11 AM GMT
    Trollileo saidI don't even like sex...



    You're still single and already sound like a wife!
  • davidsticky69

    Posts: 412

    Aug 31, 2011 12:39 AM GMT
    Trollileo saidI don't even like sex...


    Alright I guess we have a winner Post of The Day here icon_lol.gif
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    Aug 31, 2011 12:50 AM GMT
    ConnerHabib saidHook ups are awesome as long as you don't expect from them what you'd expect from having sex with someone you care about/love. They fullfil different needs entirely.

    Do some work understanding why it is you want the hook up and what you hope to get out of it. If it's love and emotional care, don't do it - of course that will make you feel crummy afterward. If it's something else that's more in line with what a hook up can actually give to you, then go for it and enjoy it.


    Oh my god. I just had a realization and a paradigm shift.

    This is probably the best advice I've ever read on RealJock. Or even anywhere.

    Thank you for this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 31, 2011 2:42 AM GMT
    Never had a hookup ;)
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    Aug 31, 2011 3:09 AM GMT
    I have no problems with hookups. I don't feel anything afterwards. All that matters is that I get mines.