How to get Self-Worth?

  • adriaan

    Posts: 27

    Aug 31, 2011 9:37 AM GMT
    How does one go about getting self-worth?

    I'm not sharing this is a "woe-is-me", please feel sad for me!!
    I really need advice: Since the age of 6 I've been told by my step father how useless and worthless I was. What a big faggot I was. Nothing I did was ever good enough. And then there is the bullying at school...

    That feeling of not being worthy has stayed with me my whole life. Not fitting in! I did not fit into my family, because I was perceived to be too sensitive. I feel like I do not fit into the gay community, because I do not look like the average gay guy out there.
    On a personal level, I've never had a good relationship with men, I always fall in love with the emotionally unavailable ones, the bad boys...the ones that I know for a fact, will reject me...leaving me feeling even more worthless!
    I've let my body go, again because I feel...why bother? Nobody will like me anyway because I'm worthless. When I look in the mirror, I don't like the person staring back at me.

    So because I'm tired of running away from the AMAZING life that I know I deserve, how do I go about changing my mind and the way I see myself after years and years of verbal abuse?

    As Oprah said: "“[People] want to know ‘Do you see me, do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?’

  • gallus81

    Posts: 350

    Aug 31, 2011 12:32 PM GMT
    it won't work for everyone, but it works fore me; do everything for yourself.

    to hell with how others see you; do what YOU want to do, the way you want to do it, and go at it 100 miles an hour.

    I can assure you, if you are good at who you are and what you do, people will come to you (professionally and as friends, etc) as they'll see an accomplished, determined person .. just don't be a dick about it icon_smile.gif

    I don't buy that comment of Oprah's ... I say "who cares if no one hears me, as long as I believe what I say and do"

  • gallus81

    Posts: 350

    Aug 31, 2011 12:33 PM GMT
    and i don't mean to say you need to cut yourself off and be a loner or anything of the sort; just do what you can, with what you have, and do it well.

    of course some people won't like it or agree with you, but again, that's their problem, not yours.

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16308

    Aug 31, 2011 12:50 PM GMT
    Well a number of thoughts... I didn't see anything in your post about your education, your work (or career) or your worth ethic in general.

    What a horrible thing, to be picked at, the way your Stepfather has done.
    I hope you don't spend any time around him (or anybody else for that matter who treats you in a derogatory or a disrespectrul way). You may need some real counseling, probably don't know enough here to be of too much help.
    I can say, that developing a sense of self worth and confidence is paramount
    in developing a long,happy and successful life. And you do deserve it.

    Many of us go through our teenage years with a sense of question and
    sensitivity. I did, but I also knew what I was capable of and had some significant personal achievements during those years that helped build
    confidence. My parents were almost always supportive. There is no doubt.. NONE that you can achieve and are very worthwhile.
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    Aug 31, 2011 1:00 PM GMT
    though not like you i've always been told that i'm worthy of many things but [maybe cuz i live in a gay hating community where i can never tell anyone who really i am and even i,. myself, used to hate myself cuz of being gay] i feel the same loss of self respect, and that even can be seen i think from my profile. and i'm also trying to fight that but the only way i know of that is to accept myself as an individual who can have his own habits, thoughts and even looking, despite of what others say!
    just be who you are, never concerning what others will tell about you (except when your being in a specific way can harm others).
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    Aug 31, 2011 1:06 PM GMT
    The problem isn't "self worth". The problem is that your looking externally for something that is inside. Self worth is not some poll where you invite others to weigh in on. If you have a headache or if you're feeling nauseated, you feel it whether others believe it or not. You don't ask others, "do I feel sick?" How the hell would they know? If you are alive, you need to understand that you have the right to exist, the right to survive, and the right to fight for both. That is self worth. I think what you're really looking for is acknowledgement and purpose. Just understand that the absence of acknowledgement or purpose does not mean you lose your self worth. Self worth is the baseline.
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    Aug 31, 2011 2:18 PM GMT
    I was kind of in a similar situation growing up and eventually went to counseling as an adult that helped tremendously. A friend of mine recommended a book to me when I was going through counseling that really hit home on a lot of things. It's called "How to be your own best friend". You can find it on Amazon for like $7.00. I've given copies to friends who were going through depression and it helped.

    I wish you luck and motivation on becoming strong on the inside!
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    Aug 31, 2011 2:26 PM GMT
    As someone who endured abuse and severe bullying also, I can tell you it's not something you will get over overnight. My life was threatened on a daily basis in school so maybe you won't have as hard a time as I've had dealing with it. But from my own experience, I can tell you it's taken YEARS of therapy and reading so many psychology books I hide them in various places around the house so people don't ask weird questions. icon_smile.gif

    I'm not saying this to sound negative because I'm not negative about it at all, but from a realistic standpoint I really don't think it's something you will ever recover from fully. Thinking highly of myself doesn't come naturally; I have to constantly remind myself of who I am and why I deserve to be happy and successful. But working on yourself makes you life so much better than just sitting down and taking in all the shit people have said to you. If you do that, you let them win.

    That being said, this is my advice to you...

    • Make an appointment with a therapist TODAY. I can't stress how important this is. Nothing will help you recover faster than seeing a good therapist on a weekly basis.

    • Don't set high expectations. Therapy is incredibly helpful but it's a long, slow process. You may go weeks or months without seeing any results. This should not be taken as a sign that the therapy isn't working. It's like working out at the gym; you work and you work and see nothing, then one day you take your shirt off and you go "wow." Therapy often works the same way.

    • Buy this book and do exactly what it says: Yes, it's a horribly cheesy title but it's the book that helped me more than any other. The catch is, you MUST do the exercises for it to help you. Just reading it will do nothing.

    • Surround yourself with positive people and weed out the negative ones. People who were abused as kids often chose abusive people as "friends" when they grow up. I think this is because it's familiar.

    • Don't waste your time trying to figure out how you got this way. It's really not necessary to your recovery and will only waste valuable time. It's okay to relive how your dad yelled at you as a kid and how it made you feel, but keep that to a minimum.

    • Remember, you can't change your feelings but you can change your behavior, which in turn will change the way you feel. This is why "acting as if" works so well. "Act as if" were a confident person. Actively search your acquaintances for someone who you would like to model yourself after. You can pick the confident way one person carries himself, while choosing the way another friend smiles a lot. Some people call this "fake it till you make it" modeling. It may seem plastic at first, but after a while it will become part of who you are.

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    Sep 01, 2011 5:21 AM GMT
    First, ask yourself the question, "Who Am I and what is my purpose?". Once you can answer that question, then ask yourself, "What do I value?". When you have those questions answered, you can then approach life and make your moment to moment decisions and choices. When you decide and choose to set boundaries which respect what and who you are, and what you value, then you build integrity and character. As you build a track record of integrity and character, you can gain greater self-worth.

    This is a way to gain self-worth.
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    Sep 01, 2011 5:24 AM GMT
    It's one of those things you have to find inside you, yourself. No one can tell you what it looks like or how to find it. But it's in you.