Getting back with ex. would you do it? How would you go about it?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2011 7:02 PM GMT
    Talks came up with my ex and he says his feelings are changing about me. He's moving to Houston in a month or so for work and would like to explore a relationship with the new me. But he doesn't want to do a long distance thing again. I may or may not be sticking around in Houston in the future and that might be a deal breaker for him. I basically said if i'm not good enough to date long distance again then we prob shouldn't try when he moves. Which was kind of hurtful and I apologized to him about it. Long distance relationship is obviously hard and its one's prerogative if they would like to engage in one. Also since the break up I've seen a new side of him which put me off a little because I idealized him when we were together. It obviously isn't fair to him but that's just how i felt when we broke up.

    I would like to explore a relationship with him again because we were so good together. but i do feel like both of us have changed quite a bit and that it would be like dating a new person. I do still like him though. he's a really nice guy. What would you do in this situation?

    PS: We had dated for a year long distance. At the time i wasn't out. And we have been apart for little more than 3 months. He jumped into a rebound relationship shortly after we broke up which lasted about 2 months. And has hooked up a few times too. which did bother me at some level but i'm ok with it now since he's obviously allowed to live his life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2011 8:46 PM GMT
    I was hoping i would get a few opinions icon_sad.gif
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Aug 31, 2011 8:57 PM GMT
    your ex is your ex for a reason.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2011 9:03 PM GMT
    rnch saidyour ex is your ex for a reason.


    well here's the problem i'm the one that broke up with him because of stupid reasons of my own :-/ and i've changed those things about me. He was always good to me for the most part.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2011 9:03 PM GMT
    First of all... you broke up for a reason... Is that behind you ...for both of you, or are there still "what ifs?"

    Long distance PLUS your history.. I'd say NO..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2011 9:11 PM GMT
    I personally always believe in moving forward. so no
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2011 9:15 PM GMT
    Bigsmiles saidFirst of all... you broke up for a reason... Is that behind you ...for both of you, or are there still "what ifs?"

    Long distance PLUS your history.. I'd say NO..


    There are definitely some what ifs. But getting the comfort and trust back is a rocky road. I don't have a lot of experience with relationships so wanted to get some prospective on it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2011 9:21 PM GMT
    When I've broken up with my exes, I just don't see them in the same way anymore. We usually stay friends, but I just could not see myself dating them ever again.

    Is it really this guy that you want, or do you want the comfort and familiarity of being in a relationship?

    If you think you've changed and are willing to try dating this guy again, go for it. Be warned: when exes get back together it doesn't work because not much has changed. If you find yourselves getting into old patterns and having the same old fights, it's time to move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2011 9:24 PM GMT
    All relationships fail.. until one doesn't
    Go out there keep your heart open and find someone that says "IT" not "it'll do"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2011 9:27 PM GMT
    Ermine saidWhen I've broken up with my exes, I just don't see them in the same way anymore. We usually stay friends, but I just could not see myself dating them ever again.

    Is it really this guy that you want, or do you want the comfort and familiarity of being in a relationship?

    If you think you've changed and are willing to try dating this guy again, go for it. Be warned: when exes get back together it doesn't work because not much has changed. If you find yourselves getting into old patterns and having the same old fights, it's time to move on.


    well i know that i've definitely changed from when i was with him and i see a few changes in him as well. It's the fact that he feels we can only give it another try if we live in the same city and not otherwise that bothers me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2011 9:33 PM GMT
    Your first mistake was giving your ex an ultimatum like that. You can't bully someone into a relationship like that which is pretty much what you tried to do.

    Once you figure some things out about yourself and resolve them then going back to your ex might work out assuming he wants you again. Your lack of experience in relationships has nothing to do with the outcome. It's a simple "treat others as you would treat yourself" scenario.

    I would say move on because you unless you plan on moving closer to your ex then it's probably not gonna work out as a LDR. Your ex wants something a little closer to home and I mean that both figuratively and realistically.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2011 9:43 PM GMT
    Guy101 saidYour first mistake was giving your ex an ultimatum like that. You can't bully someone into a relationship like that which is pretty much what you tried to do.

    Once you figure some things out about yourself and resolve them then going back to your ex might work out assuming he wants you again. Your lack of experience in relationships has nothing to do with the outcome. It's a simple "treat others as you would treat yourself" scenario.

    I would say move on because you unless you plan on moving closer to your ex then it's probably not gonna work out as a LDR. Your ex wants something a little closer to home and I mean that both figuratively and realistically.


    I know i felt horrible about saying that to him. I do totally understand where he's coming from icon_sad.gif and did apologize almost immediately. Just frustrating when circumstances just don't work out :-/
  • UVaRob9

    Posts: 282

    Aug 31, 2011 10:23 PM GMT
    I know we're a small percentage of the population, but aren't there enough of us for you not to go for round 2 with someone? There's only one guy I would consider doing that with and it was because he had to move back home to CA after his job ended in DC; it wasn't a breakup that either of us wanted.
  • paduk

    Posts: 58

    Aug 31, 2011 11:12 PM GMT
    If you still like this guy, why not?
    Are you doing this as you feel lonely and having him is better than having nobody or do you truly still like him?
    Done it myself, for very similar reasons as yours, at the end, I mean, the second time, it did not work out for some other reasons rather then distance but I had one of the best period of my life with him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2011 11:28 PM GMT
    Very interesting as I have been in a similar situation myself.

    I have to agree with most of the guys on here—an ex is an ex for a reason, regardless of whose fault it is, who broke up with who, or the circumstance of the relationship. There were reasons why you were in a relationship, and there were reasons why you broke up. Despite the changes that the both of you have made, there may still be unresolved issues or feelings that will only complicate things—remember, you’re not starting over, though it may seem like it.

    You are correct—if you aren’t good enough to date long distance, then you shouldn’t date at all. Now, I say this simply because of the fact that long distance dating is difficult. It’s one of the top strains that can be placed on a relationship. If you can date through the distance, build a bond, and continue to mature in the relationship, then that’s definitely a great sign—it means you both are willing to go the distance (no pun intended) to make a relationship work. Terms like sacrifice, compromise, trust, integrity, respect, and honesty come to mind. You have to have all of those in place for a long distance relationship to work successfully.

    If he’s only willing to date you when it’s convenient (i.e. in the same city), then that may not be the best situation for you to be in, especially if you do not want to stay in Houston. You have to figure out the direction of your life, and if the both of you can travel that path together. If not, it isn’t wise to get entangled in complication.

    You’re right—he is totally allowed to live his life. Obviously, he’s informed you of his hookups, which should bother you—you’re human, you still have feelings for him, and on some level, there’s a sense of betrayal because of the fact that he got into a rebound relationship and hooked up a few times. You have to sever that type of conversation or hearing about that aspect of his life. If you’re not in a relationship, then you shouldn’t care who he’s sleeping with (and if he respected you and your feelings, he wouldn’t talk about it at length).

    Despite how good you may have been together, you both have changed. Maybe you should try to date others as well, and not try to force this relationship. If it is meant to be, it will work itself out. In the meantime, don’t remain hung up on this single relationship.

    Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2011 11:29 PM GMT
    Bigsmiles saidAll relationships fail.. until one doesn't
    Go out there keep your heart open and find someone that says "IT" not "it'll do"


    Oh, my greatest relationship quote I've heard in a Long time... may I quote you?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2011 11:32 PM GMT
    you're clearly not over him, which is understandable, its only been 3 months....but time heals everything, i didn't want to listen to that advice at first, it took me close to 10 months to finally move on, and now looking back, i was a fucken idiot for even wanting to get together with him.

    you're in the period of mourning, u miss him and how comfortable it felt to be with someone, u think no one else will have the same chemistry.....but you're wrong. and he's seducing you into going back because he thinks u've both changed, but, old habits die hard, fundamentally, ur still going to have certain values that are just not compatible, hence the break up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 31, 2011 11:34 PM GMT
    paduk saidIf you still like this guy, why not?
    Are you doing this as you feel lonely and having him is better than having nobody or do you truly still like him?
    Done it myself, for very similar reasons as yours, at the end, I mean, the second time, it did not work out for some other reasons rather then distance but I had one of the best period of my life with him.


    I desperately wanted him back a few weeks ago when i was just feeling lonely. but I've since then been trying to meet new people for just talking and being friends. that has really helped be get over the loneliness aspect of things and i'm really ok and happy being single right now. Its just a what if kinda deals with him since i think we've both made some positive changes and it could be worth pursuing again.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 01, 2011 12:39 AM GMT
    If you are both wanting to try it, then why not? It's a learning experience.

    However, "Also since the break up I've seen a new side of him which put me off a little because I idealized him when we were together."

    ....what's this about? As well, if you couldn't do long distance that last time, how will you this time (if you're going to leave Houston)?



    Here's something a very wise RJ member said not long ago, "Be mindful of other men's hearts, that they are mindful of yours"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 01, 2011 1:57 AM GMT
    knowwunder said
    Bigsmiles saidAll relationships fail.. until one doesn't
    Go out there keep your heart open and find someone that says "IT" not "it'll do"


    Oh, my greatest relationship quote I've heard in a Long time... may I quote you?


    It's actually from my hero... Dan Savage
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 01, 2011 8:28 AM GMT
    No one else can make this call for you, only you know if you want him back and believe it won't end the same way it did before. It's no one else's business. I know of people who have broken up and got back together and they have been really happy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 01, 2011 8:42 AM GMT
    hairymusclejock said... we've both made some positive changes and it could be worth pursuing again.

    That pretty much sums it up. Nothing wrong with trying again.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 02, 2011 2:08 AM GMT
    NO. if it was meant to work it would of. Regardless of what people say,they do not change.