Money, Money, Money...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 09, 2008 4:39 AM GMT
    Money management is the number one problem for most peoples relationships. It is cited as the number one reason for breaking up.

    In our relationship it is compounded by a large disparity in incomes. Usually we manage very well. We have clear expectations, and we have agreed to discuss EVERYTHING we buy together if it costs more than a couple of hundred dollars.

    I just found out that my partner wrote a very... substantial, check to an old friend of his. It is someone I don't know that well, and he didn't discuss it with me beforehand. I only found out because my banker called me to double check on it because it was an unusually large transaction.

    Apparently he wrote the check three days ago. We have had long phone calls twice a day since, so he could have told me, but I am / have been out of town - in NYC. He is due to fly in tomorrow night for the weekend.

    The amount, though large, is something we can afford; but in the past - in the three years we have been married, and even before - we have ALWAYS discussed large expenditures like this. I have made a real concerted effort to discuss all the details of my finances with him.

    It is odd; just... both out of character, and very unusual.

    Should I bring the subject up with him, or wait for him to take the lead on talking about it (I keep thinking that maybe it was a sudden decision and he just wants to tell me in person over the weekend?) ?


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 09, 2008 5:37 AM GMT
    I think you should mention it and ask for an explanation and then your mind will be at ease! Or will it?
  • ShawnTX

    Posts: 2484

    May 09, 2008 6:05 AM GMT
    I would bring the subject up. If he hasn't told you yet who knows how long he'll keep putting it off.

    I'd be furious, not because of the amount of money but because there was no discussion about it. Whether you're a couple that puts their money together, or a couple that keeps it separate, a substantial amount of money like that given as a gift or a loan is something that should be agreed upon by both people.

    I'd also like to know why this money is being given or loaned. If loaned, how and when is it being paid back.
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    May 09, 2008 9:28 AM GMT
    I can't imagine divulging that info outside the relationship. I trust my boyfriend. If he needs money and I have it, he's got it.

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    May 09, 2008 10:32 AM GMT
    Actually, you have to bring it up. The reason being that, in the past, you've discussed this first. Since he didn't bring up this issue, and a significant one, prior to writing the check, and didn't bring it up right after (hours) writing the check, then there's an unresolved issue here.
    Even if you are the 'lesser breadwinner', the fact that you agreed to discuss significant purchases in advance means that this situation has no grounds for exception.

    Personally, if I were still in my last LTR, and I had to lend or give a large sum to a friend (regardless of the reason for the need) then I would be responsible for returning the funds to the 'family' account. I would still be responsible for declaring the transaction.
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    May 09, 2008 12:12 PM GMT
    ShawnTO said

    I'd be furious, not because of the amount of money but because there was no discussion about it. Whether you're a couple that puts their money together, or a couple that keeps it separate, a substantial amount of money like that given as a gift or a loan is something that should be agreed upon by both people.


    I think ShawnTO brings up an excellent point. This isn't about money but about communication. When people say relationships run into trouble over money I think that the root cause is a lack of communication and not the actual money itself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 09, 2008 1:45 PM GMT
    I am blessed with being someone who is responsible, and who manages money well. He would never do something like that without talking to me first.

    I would bring it up with him, otherwise it could fester and cause issues in your relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 09, 2008 1:49 PM GMT
    yaaa money is big problem for me especialy these days because am planig for a world tour............and.....icon_exclaim.gif
  • jmanorlando

    Posts: 205

    May 09, 2008 4:06 PM GMT
    To me it depends whether you as a couple have:
    a. Separate accounts (ie - my money and his money)
    b. Combined accounts (we see it as our money)

    And it depends on the relationship and agreements you have made.

    If separate accounts than each can make choice outside without telling each other. If you share one account, this impacts you as well as him and give him time to share what happened.

    My thought is if he doesn't bring it up within the first few hours of seeing him, then you may lead into it with...

    Hey the bank called the other day about the account, is everything okay?

    This takes the focus off of the what and why and places it at a point where he can open up and tell you.

    If however he responds with "What did they tell or ask you?" Then he may be covering something as he want to know to what extent you are informed so he can fill in just the details he wants to share.

    Tricky but this topic on his first day back.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 09, 2008 4:34 PM GMT
    jmanorlando saidMy thought is if he doesn't bring it up within the first few hours of seeing him, then you may lead into it with...

    Hey the bank called the other day about the account, is everything okay?

    This takes the focus off of the what and why and places it at a point where he can open up and tell you.


    Good call, good call. Perhaps there's a very embarrassing reason he hasn't told you, and fully expects the money to be repaid soon and to not be a big deal. (Bail, health bills, etc.)

    Although, I little chatter about it first would have been nice, for sure.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 8:00 AM GMT


    He told me over dinner.

    He wanted to tell me in person. (It was an old friends family emergency).

    I feel like an paranoid, overly suspicious, idiot.

    Then I had to tell him I already knew, and was concerned because he hadn't told me.

    Pick one:

    A - I feel like I should be a lot more trusting.

    B - I feel like a disloyal SOB with trust issues.

    C - feel like groveling for forgiveness for questioning/doubting hum

    D - All of the above.


    SIGH!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 10:51 AM GMT
    LOL

    All's well that ends well. icon_wink.gif
  • MattyC0709

    Posts: 1199

    May 10, 2008 11:11 AM GMT
    "... must be funny, in a rich man's world!" Haha!

    Anyway, I guess you should ask him about it. He should have some valid reason about why he gave that large sum of money, and why he didn't tell you. Allow half the weekend to pass and see if he brings it up. If not, ask away! icon_biggrin.gificon_lol.gificon_razz.gificon_wink.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 10, 2008 11:34 AM GMT
    Absolutely...

    I'd just say
    I saw that you wrote a big check to so-and-so the other day...How come?

    and I'd wait to see his reaction

    If his explanation is a good one...no problem
    If he gets defensive
    If he denies it
    If he tells you that it's none of your business? ... Big Problem
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 3:53 PM GMT
    Bring it up. If you expect him to and he doesn't, you'll likely be more upset and when it finally does come out it's likely to be explosive.

    Tell him the bank called to verify the check. Tell him straight up how it went down, then ask him what's up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 12, 2008 11:30 AM GMT
    Guys.... -_- read all the posts... LOL
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 13, 2008 7:52 AM GMT
    ITJock said


    A - I feel like I should be a lot more trusting.

    B - I feel like a disloyal SOB with trust issues.

    C - feel like groveling for forgiveness for questioning/doubting hum

    D - All of the above.


    SIGH!


    Where is "none of the above". Hey, you had a legit concern. The important thing is he communicated with you and there was a legit reason for him to wait. Communication is always the most important thing in any relationship. Congrats on the way it turned out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2008 1:58 PM GMT
    IT, don't beat yourself up over this. He wanted to tell you in person. Sometimes, the in person, face to face talk is what some people need. They need the visual as well as the vocal. A phone call just doesn't cut it. I am sure he knew you would know if the transaction was that large. He had to know your banker would contact you to verify the transaction.

    If he didn't know the banker would contact you, well now he does and hopefully will tell you ahead of time next time of a large transaction going through.

    Hopefully too after the old friends family emergency is taken care of the money will be repaid.

    We all have trust issues on some level. This is just another learning experience of being married. I have had many over the past 16 years with my partner.