Why is monogamy so dam difficult?

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    Sep 01, 2011 1:19 PM GMT
    I have no problem dating when single & getting it on but Ive always been more of the monogamous relationship type. Even if Im not looking for a serious relationship I usually have some guy begging me to be monogamous wth him while hes expressing his undying love & devotion to me.....and it usually turns out to be a huge lie.

    Over my past of serious relationships ive never had a bf that I didnt catch cheating. Why is it that I feel like im the only one that can keep their word or promise to someone & keep their pants zipped?

    Gay or straight it seems everyone is cheating on each other, fucking each other then going home & telling their partner how much they love them......living a double life.

    If you love someone & are dedicated to them then whats the problem with being true to them? I just dont get it. If you cant then just stay single damn it & quit making false promises.

    For ex: the guy im dating has a best friend in town from texas. Says hes in a relationship there but has been on a4a 24/7 since hes been in town trying to hookup while hes here. Wtf?

    Ive gotten to the point where i trust no one, figure theyre all gonna cheat anyway & it makes me sick. The people I have the most respect for now adays are the ones that tell you theyre gonna sleep around, atleast theyre honest instead of lying to your face & being dishonest. What the hell ever happened to love, respect, honor & being true to your commitment?

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    Sep 01, 2011 1:26 PM GMT
    Sadly, it's because people don't seem to be happy with the current model of a person/relationship they have. Everyone seems to want the next best thing and are willing to trade in that supposed special someone in order to have it no matter who they hurt.

    In short, we're never satisfied with what we have when we have it. Those who are and stick it out full term are rare indeed.
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    Sep 01, 2011 1:29 PM GMT
    cuz lots of gays don't believe in love and monogamy :/
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    Sep 01, 2011 1:32 PM GMT
    I wish you all the best of luck. Lord knows we need it icon_wink.gif

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    Sep 01, 2011 1:35 PM GMT
    I think it's largely based on the fact that anything that becomes overly familiar over time can become either boring or we take it for granted.

    A lot of couples have problems during long term relationships sexually, a girlfriend was telling me that after 5 years with her boyfriend she no longer enjoys sex and she has started to think about other men in order to orgasm but has not yet cheated on him.

    You have to have a certain level of maturity to stay in a relationship for a long amount of time and be able to value love/companionship above getting your rocks off.
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    Sep 01, 2011 1:36 PM GMT
    Monogamy requires a tremendous amount of self-discipline, respect (for your self and your partner), integrity, self-esteem, and belief in the purity of your relationship. I believe many of us are capable of monogamy, but the issue always is the length of time for which we are willing to stay monogamous. For some, it could be years; for others, it could be months or even days. The real problem is not that we're not capable of entering into a monogamous relationship; rather, the problem is not having the courage and honesty to tell our partner when we no longer feel the compulsion to be monogamous. Instead, we cheat. That's the problem.
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    Sep 01, 2011 2:19 PM GMT
    Guy101 saidSadly, it's because people don't seem to be happy with the current model of a person/relationship they have. Everyone seems to want the next best thing and are willing trade in that supposed special someone in order to have it no matter who they hurt.

    In short, we're never satisfied with what we have when we have it. Those who are and stick it out full term are rare indeed.


    Once again Guy101 is giving the truth in a semi-harsh way. But he's 100% right though. Men are just dirrtyass animals. When you get your next BF you better keep a leash on him. By that, I mean tracking his location on google map so you know where he is at all times.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Sep 01, 2011 2:21 PM GMT
    i'm finding it very easy to be monogamous with my man. the attraction to other guys faded away a couple of years ago.

    dammit!


    icon_lol.gif
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    Sep 01, 2011 2:27 PM GMT
    redbull saidWhat the hell ever happened to love, respect, honor & being true to your commitment?


    Generally speaking, because our community does not value honoring our word, maintaining and restoring integrity. We also are not accountable to each other, by encouraging and emphasizing the keeping of high moral standards and virtues such as love, respect, honor and integrity.

    Our community generally functions at a very hedonistic level -- "what's right is what feels right", and thus, encourages promiscuous behavior without batting an eye.

    Such "counter-gay cultural" living is difficult to do (not impossible) without a solid backbone of social support.
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    Sep 01, 2011 2:28 PM GMT
    waimea said, " Men are just dirrtyass animals."

    Are you including yourself in that group? And us as well?
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    Sep 01, 2011 5:54 PM GMT
    I've thought about this extensively for so long and still don't have a true answer.

    I genuinely believe that the world is miserable because we allow ourselves to fall so easily into a "THIS or THAT" mentality.

    Like you're either republican or democrat or you're either masculine or you're feminine or you're either gay or you're straight or in this case you're either monogamous or you're a slut. ( I know by the way that this is not what you said in your post)

    But what I'm getting at is that we've been taught that there are no in betweens or better yet, that the alternatives are less than, deviant, and a bad reflection on character. People cling to norms that they simply cannot live up too, like a confused guy getting married even though he wants to sleep with his brother-in-law more than his loving wife.

    Most men are not monogamous. This does not mean, however, that most men do not want to have a meaningful man of substance their lives. Someone who they live with, build a life with and shower their love and affection on. For many of the guys in successful LTRs that I have met where 3rd party sex was allowed and sometimes even encouraged, they expressed that love was love and sex was sex, thus its hard for them to understand why someone would only want to sleep with the same human being for the rest of his life. It doesn't mean they don't love each other immensely, in fact they would die for each other, but sex is just a way to ejaculate to them and is not an affirmation as to how much they care about each other. Clearly not a monogamistic view, but so many men here would die to have it even though they would never admit it.

    To have a guy to come home to everyday who loves you with open arms, do all the things that married couples do. To truly want to spend the rest of your lives together emotionally and intimately with that one human being, but should you ever see a hot bod that you want to touch, its ok. I promise there are many men on here right now pretending to be disgusted by this, but the thought of it is shamefully like heaven to them and they'd truly be so much happier if this was their life style.

    There is no excuse for men lying to a spouse, whether they are a guy whose just genuinely incapable of being fully monogamous or not. I agree in that case they should just be more open and honest and not waste monogamous men's time, but do not suggest that they just remain single either. This is what I mean by a "this or that" mentality: either be monogamous or no relationship for you. Remember that most have been told that they can't have it their way. That to even suggest it or seek it is selfish and sleezey. I think many go into a relationships trying their best to be monogamous because its the only way they believe they can get that extreme intamacy that they crave, but then they still want to be able to have sex occassion too. That not wrong, but then they shouldn't lie to a strictly monogamous guy about it either.

    A guy who truly wants a partner, but then doesn't understand why he should have to have sex with the same person for the rest of his life just because he's in love, probably isn't going to choose staying single. They're not going to choose a life of being single just to have sex, because they still want that one single amazing partner too, its essential to their happiness as a opposed to a pure hedonist who thrives solely on sex and physical pleasure. So it must be very difficult to deal with. To us they are just cheaters and liars, and they never really cared about us, when really they are just people trying to live up to a social norm that doesn't fit them. Its once again "This or That" have someone that loves you, or have nothing but meaningless sex.

    All those "straight guys" who cheat on their girlfriends with guys; how awesome would it be for them if they had a girlfriend who thought it was hot and preferred to be with a guy who hooked up with men? Sounds crazy, but wouldn't that be perfect for him and spare the females that want a heterosexual man to herself?

    Just the same, all those gay guys who cheat; wouldn't it be better for them if they were simply with a guy who didn't care if they had sex?

    If we create a haven for these men, make it ok for them to have their extremely important boyfriend, but be able to get laid on random nights also, then the monogamous will be free to roam the streets at night again, and surf online dating sites too. Why don't these kinds of people find each other and even stranger, why is it that when they do, they hide it, dating each other under the facade of being monogamous people so that they feel a need to get angry each every time they get caught cheating on each other, because I have seen this happen also.

    I know I've written entirely too much, but this topic has me truly wondering now. For any guys on RJ who want a meaningful boyfriend, but want to be able to have sex with other people also without it being an issue, what stops you from looking for someone more like yourself instead of thinking you can only have a boyfriend if you go the hardcore monogamous route?



  • Scorpio1113

    Posts: 90

    Sep 01, 2011 7:18 PM GMT
    I feel as though monogamy shouldn't be difficult...but it is when people fail to communicate with each other. Some people don't realize they just are not built for monogamous relationships, causing them to form one and when it's too late they find themselves in deep shit. I mean sure you think 'Oh, I'll never cheat' but at some point, as you get older, you should be aware of your level of self control. Even if you're getting bored of your partner, maybe you should tell your partner that? Before you decide to get fucked up and fuck the sexy co-worker you've secretly been crushing on. Honestly, I feel as though cheaters don't know how to communicate and at the same time are unsure of themselves.

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    Sep 01, 2011 8:17 PM GMT
    I believe men are genetically programmed to want to spread their sperm around. Males of most species are the same. Women are more inclined to monogamy because genetically they are programmed to want a stable source of income or birdfood or whatever for their children.
    Monogamy isn't impossible, but I think it is difficult, especialle for younger men. There are no easy answers., It's something every couple needs to work out for themselves.
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    Sep 01, 2011 8:19 PM GMT
    TerraFirma said
    redbull saidWhat the hell ever happened to love, respect, honor & being true to your commitment?


    Generally speaking, because our community does not value honoring our word, maintaining and restoring integrity. We also are not accountable to each other, by encouraging and emphasizing the keeping of high moral standards and virtues such as love, respect, honor and integrity.

    Our community generally functions at a very hedonistic level -- "what's right is what feels right", and thus, encourages promiscuous behavior without batting an eye.

    Such "counter-gay cultural" living is difficult to do (not impossible) without a solid backbone of social support.


    +1
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    Sep 01, 2011 8:21 PM GMT
    MadeNUSA said
    TerraFirma said
    redbull saidWhat the hell ever happened to love, respect, honor & being true to your commitment?


    Generally speaking, because our community does not value honoring our word, maintaining and restoring integrity. We also are not accountable to each other, by encouraging and emphasizing the keeping of high moral standards and virtues such as love, respect, honor and integrity.

    Our community generally functions at a very hedonistic level -- "what's right is what feels right", and thus, encourages promiscuous behavior without batting an eye.

    Such "counter-gay cultural" living is difficult to do (not impossible) without a solid backbone of social support.


    +1


    It depends, there are plenty of examples of monogamous relationships, even some that have lasted 20+ years here in SF, the city of gay gluttonous sin.

    So there.
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    Sep 01, 2011 8:28 PM GMT
    A monogamous partner is like a career. Sure, you may think you've found your dream job the first few days or weeks at work, but even for your dream job you need to get up at 5 am, fight rush hour traffic, deal with crap, deal with a prick boss. You need to work. The most satisfying things in our life require work and require us to put up with crap. They are not easy.

    A million first dates? That's easy.
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    Sep 01, 2011 8:32 PM GMT
    Ariodante saidA monogamous partner is like a career. Sure, you may think you've found your dream job the first few days or weeks at work, but even for your dream job you need to get up at 5 am, fight rush hour traffic, deal with crap, deal with a prick boss. You need to work. The most satisfying things in our life require work and require us to put up with crap. They are not easy.

    A million first dates? That's easy.



    Or you could simply be truly in love. Perhaps the trick is remaining in that state. icon_wink.gif
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    Sep 01, 2011 8:36 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    Ariodante saidA monogamous partner is like a career. Sure, you may think you've found your dream job the first few days or weeks at work, but even for your dream job you need to get up at 5 am, fight rush hour traffic, deal with crap, deal with a prick boss. You need to work. The most satisfying things in our life require work and require us to put up with crap. They are not easy.

    A million first dates? That's easy.



    Or you could simply be truly in love. Perhaps the trick is remaining in that state. icon_wink.gif


    But that's the point. You work at it because you are in love. You don't quit your dream career because you have to work at it.
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    Sep 01, 2011 8:41 PM GMT
    Ariodante said
    meninlove said
    Ariodante saidA monogamous partner is like a career. Sure, you may think you've found your dream job the first few days or weeks at work, but even for your dream job you need to get up at 5 am, fight rush hour traffic, deal with crap, deal with a prick boss. You need to work. The most satisfying things in our life require work and require us to put up with crap. They are not easy.

    A million first dates? That's easy.



    Or you could simply be truly in love. Perhaps the trick is remaining in that state. icon_wink.gif


    But that's the point. You work at it because you are in love. You don't quit your dream career because you have to work at it.


    ...lol, and that's exactly what I was hoping you'd say! You, my young friend, are the stuff a great love is made with.

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    Sep 01, 2011 8:46 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidMonogamy requires a tremendous amount of self-discipline, respect (for your self and your partner), integrity, self-esteem, and belief in the purity of your relationship. I believe many of us are capable of monogamy, but the issue always is the length of time for which we are willing to stay monogamous..

    I thought monogamy is quite simple. There's only one rule.
    The rule of monogamy: don't stick your dick in anyone that's not your significant other, and don't let anyone who's not your significant other stick their dicks in you. Repeat daily.


    It may seem everyone is cheating because scandalized stories are repeated. People just don't repeat the stories of all the people who stayed faithful. It's not titillating.

    Why do people cheat? I don't know. I'd guess that cheaters don't respect their partners or themselves enough to stay faithful. Maybe they think they won't get caught, so they don't have to hurt their partners.
    Somehow they don't know how to break up or communicate with their partners that something in their relationship isn't working.
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    Sep 01, 2011 8:48 PM GMT
    I think a lot of people are in love with the idea of being in love. But then they get into a relationship and they are unhappy with how they feel. What they don't realize is that a long-term relationship with real commitment to your life partner is a lot of hard work, not just being lovey-dovey.

    You need to keep working on emotional fitness the same way that you work on physical fitness. If you let yourself lapse, you'll get lazy. Being emotionally fit means that when you encounter a rough spot as a couple that you're ready to take it on and get through it.

    Just going out and finding guys to hookup with means that you never have to deal with real emotions. If it gets too hard, you just discard the guy and move on to the next one. It's like being a couch potato from a relationship perspective. Some people never get to the point of being emotionally mature enough to understand what it takes.

    As for your friend who's surfing a4a looking to hookup while he's visiting, have you asked him why he wants to do that? I realize it's not your business, but it'd be interesting to hear his motivation.
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    Sep 01, 2011 8:49 PM GMT
    One word: INTEGRITY.

    Some have it, some don't. That's life.
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    Sep 01, 2011 8:57 PM GMT
    LVmotoJock saidOne word: INTEGRITY.

    Some have it, some don't. That's life.


    this man is wise beyond his years...
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    Sep 01, 2011 8:58 PM GMT
    LVmotoJock saidOne word: INTEGRITY.

    Some have it, some don't. That's life.


    QFT.
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    Sep 01, 2011 9:01 PM GMT
    LVmotoJock saidOne word: INTEGRITY.

    Some have it, some don't. That's life.


    few have it, most don't is more like it.

    Whatever floats one's boat, but i personally wish more ppl could be monogamous, and that i could find someone to date with that same idea too >.<