Issues with the boyfriend :/

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 01, 2011 4:04 PM GMT
    This is my first time doing this so please excuse me if I'm breaking any rules...

    So my boyfriend and I have been going out for about a year and a half now and we're totally in love and even talked about marriage a few times. I feel like he's the one and I'm the one for him.

    However, there's this fight we have time and time again. I don't know who's right or wrong or if there is a right or wrong in this matter. I just don't know how to solve it.

    So the issue is, I'm really into Asian guys. It's just my preference, but he's only half Asian but looks more white. I sometimes have a problem with looking at Asian guys especially when they're pretty fit/buff. I even gone as far as saving pictures of some hot buff guys on my desktop so I can use at as motivation for my workouts (also drool over a little too). The thing is, my boyfriend is stick thin with a little bit of a gut. Well, needless to say, he saw these pictures and got pretty upset.

    He says things like that's what I want (which is true... I USED to want guys like that) and saying that I'm trying to change him and he can't be like that. I get mad too of course and tell him that he's not so innocent either. He tells me that he wants me to grow out my chest hair (which I hate btw) and sometimes dictates me on my hair color choice. But he says it's not the same. I know it's probably not but I thought it was unfair just because I couldn't think of stuff at that moment.

    Anyway, this lead to me admitting that I do find guys like that attractive but it's not like I would do anything with them. And he goes on to make me feel guilty (not purposely I guess), saying that there's not one thing that he wants to change about me. Of course I called him a liar because I'm not the best looking guy out there. I'm also pretty short. And I'm Asian and I know he had a thing for white guys before we dated. But he won't admit it. He acts if I'm Adonis, who's perfect and every way.

    I asked him too and said if I were to get really fat would he still think I'm "perfect". He of course answers yes, which I think is bull. He's the SUPER LOYAL type so I'm pretty sure he won't like it but he'll still stay with me. Also saying this really dampers my workout plans because what's the point if I workout and have a good body, he won't appreciate it anyways. But I still strive for it nonetheless. And I sort of want him to do so too. I mean, I kind of do want to play with a six-pack abs that doesn't belong to me. But he says that I'm always trying to change him and that I'll never be satisfied.

    So basically, the point in all this, is it that bad if I want my boyfriend to workout a little? Am I the horrible person he makes me feel for thinking that a six-pack on a guy is sexy when he doesn't have one? Is he EFFING lying when he says that he's not attracted to anyone else (I MEAN CELEBRITIES ARE THERE FOR A REASON icon_razz.gif)?

    Well anything helps. Thanks for reading.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 01, 2011 5:03 PM GMT
    Your BF is full of crap. Tell him to get off his high horse and get out of the fantasyland and start working out. Because if this relationship doesn't work out, he hasn't wasted all his time in this relationship. Oh, also, you think he's super loyal? Sounds more like super possessive and controlling. He has you on a leash like you're a puppy dog.

    And him saying that even if you get fat he'll still think that you're perfect? That's a sign of having totally zero confidence in himself, that he thinks that the only way to have a long term BF, is to have a guy who is fat that nobody else would find attractive (so to speak).

    btw, what is wrong looking at hot pictures of hot guys online as a form of motivation in the gym?!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 01, 2011 5:25 PM GMT
    been there, same situation, needless to say it didnt work out
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 01, 2011 5:37 PM GMT
    If one or both of you are constantly looking for important qualities (physical or otherwise) that the other does not possess and wishing that the other had them, you're settling. Settling may work for a short time but ultimately the relationship is not going to be sustainable because you will always be on the look out for someone who possesses the qualities lacking in your boyfriend..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 01, 2011 5:47 PM GMT
    people rarely change. If your bf wanted a guy with a hairy chest he should have looked for that. If you wanted a guy with a better body instead of skinny with a belly you should have picked that. neither of you are obligated to change. Like what you have or move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 01, 2011 5:58 PM GMT
    Sounds like a fight over nothing icon_confused.gif
  • Into_Fitness

    Posts: 8

    Sep 01, 2011 5:58 PM GMT
    dude! so if he's the one for you a " body appareance " should not be a deal breaker. It sounds shallow and selfish to me to love someone but want him to change. Besides, no one is perfect. you take the good with the bad.
    Besides, a six pack its not that impossible to get!
    have you guys heard of COMPROMISE?

    get him to the gym so he can work on his six pack and you let your chest hair ! how hard is that...I guess at 22 y/old you're more worried about dating a guy with a six pack then to find your soul mate.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 01, 2011 6:01 PM GMT
    totally agree. you got to fall for the person not the body. shit happens you could get an injury and not be able to workout again. get fat whatever. if your relationship is so superficial it won't survive even the smallest of life's unexpected twists.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Sep 01, 2011 6:41 PM GMT
    Hummm you are prefect except for..x, y, z, AA, BB, ect.
    But baby I love you for.... and I don't think of those hot beefy guys the same as I do you, I want them to do me, and I only do you out of pity.

    It won't work!

    wow my pizza was bitter today..




    No in all truth and well wishes, if you give up the hot pictures, I bet he will go to the gym.
    good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 01, 2011 8:13 PM GMT
    You won't make it.

    Your bf just isn't your type. You love him, but so many other things turn you on more. Your emotional bond will take you far, but it probably won't be enough to keep you two together.

    These arguments about nothing right now will only get bigger and bigger until they are truly about something.

    Do yourself a favor and stop projecting into the future. Stop talking about marriage, stop thinking about adopting kids, because these are things you're probably not going to live up to.

    I strongly suggest you break up now and find someone whose going to fulfill you completely, otherwise I give you 3 years max. Find a guy who is everything you want him to be now, that you don't need to try to change, instead of putting you and your current bf through needless pain. Because your bf's self esteem is going to get so low that he'll hoan his passive agressive jabs to protect himself from you, and then you'll stop being emotionally attracted to him also.

    Write me in the future and tell me I'm wrong. I will be extremely happy for you and glad that I was, but this is simply my prediction. Take it or leave it.

    P.S. Lets stop with the fairy tale bullshit telling guys its all about someone's personality. Whereas this guy's bf is skinny, when's the last time any of you dated or fell madly in love with an obesed person? Exactly. He needs a bf that he has more in common with, capable of exercising with him and looking like what he's attracted to. Its not about looking for perfection, its simply the fact that men should be with men that they are genuinely attracted to, both emotionally and physically. Because when they aren't, they wind up staring at everything that walks by, or saving pictures on their computer.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 01, 2011 8:22 PM GMT
    Halfstep saidYou won't make it.

    P.S. Lets stop with the fairy tale bullshit telling guys its all about someone's personality. Its one thing to talk about someone thin, but when's the last time any of you dated or fell madly in love with an obesed person? Exactly. He needs a bf with more in common with, capable of exercising with him and looking like what he's attracted to. Its not looking for perfection, its simply the fact that men should be with men that they are genuinely attracted to, both emotionally and physically.


    Not saying to live in gaga land but you'll never find the perfect body you'll be attracted to. There will always be someone hotter around the corner and you'll just keep jumping from one guy to the next. If you have the initial attraction the only thing that'll keep you together is compatibility and respect for each other's personalities. hence Personalty > "Type"

    Like the example i gave before; will you dump your partner in case they are unable to look like a god for you any more? or even choose to stop working out? you can't whip them to the gym. Will you dump them on just that one aspect?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 01, 2011 8:24 PM GMT
    DTP_82 saidSounds like a fight over nothing icon_confused.gif


    im guessing he is 20 or 21. So its something to them. Kids find drama in small things.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 01, 2011 8:36 PM GMT
    Into_Fitness saiddude! so if he's the one for you a " body appareance " should not be a deal breaker. It sounds shallow and selfish to me to love someone but want him to change. Besides, no one is perfect. you take the good with the bad.
    Besides, a six pack its not that impossible to get!
    have you guys heard of COMPROMISE?

    get him to the gym so he can work on his six pack and you let your chest hair ! how hard is that...I guess at 22 y/old you're more worried about dating a guy with a six pack then to find your soul mate.


    Thats easy for you to say.

    We were together for 4 years and My ex was well around 340 pounds by the time things got worse. I've never mentioned the exact weight on here before because it was embarrasing for me. I loved him so much, but I'm sorry, that love was not enough to get an erection while looking at him. Still, even though I wanted him to be more attractive, I just wanted him to be healthier, because physical ailments were popping up in his family left and right and I didn't want that for him. I first sought help on this site and got the same responses of: You're young and shallow. If you really love someone then that love equals instant physical attraction.

    With that leading me nowhere, I tried to remedy the situation by being honest. I told him that I promised him I'd tell him if his weight ever started to get horribly out of hand, and that it had reached that point, that I was worried about his health and life span, as well as finding him less physically attractive. I even tried going to the gym with him, paying for his gym memberships, even buying him books on healthy eating. None of it worked. I even tried the positive reinforcement route, but he was so disgusted with himself too, that it didn't make him any happier. Instead he was paranoid of any attractive guy that was ever around me.

    Its not easy, and people dealing with this issue should not be attacked because of their age, should not be accussed of being shallow and "only wanting an attractive guy". Still to this day I look at pictures of my ex on my cell phone and swoon, despite how shitty our break up was, but for as physical attraction its still non-existent. The best advice you can give someone in a situation like that is to simply break up and find what is going to make them content. It has NOTHING to do with being 20.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 01, 2011 8:40 PM GMT
    hairymusclejock said
    Halfstep saidYou won't make it.

    P.S. Lets stop with the fairy tale bullshit telling guys its all about someone's personality. Its one thing to talk about someone thin, but when's the last time any of you dated or fell madly in love with an obesed person? Exactly. He needs a bf with more in common with, capable of exercising with him and looking like what he's attracted to. Its not looking for perfection, its simply the fact that men should be with men that they are genuinely attracted to, both emotionally and physically.


    Not saying to live in gaga land but you'll never find the perfect body you'll be attracted to. There will always be someone hotter around the corner and you'll just keep jumping from one guy to the next. If you have the initial attraction the only thing that'll keep you together is compatibility and respect for each other's personalities. hence Personalty > "Type"

    Like the example i gave before; will you dump your partner in case they are unable to look like a god for you any more? or even choose to stop working out? you can't whip them to the gym. Will you dump them on just that one aspect?


    Ah I see what you mean. I definitely agree there's no point in looking for the perfect body. I do stress, though, that people should be with people that they find attractive. But to go trying to snag Adonis seems pointless lol.
  • Scriven

    Posts: 61

    Sep 01, 2011 10:06 PM GMT
    Nine times out of ten if you're trying to change your boyfriend the problem is with you, and not him. Sounds like both of you aren't happy with the other and I think maybe its time you started looking for a new relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 01, 2011 10:12 PM GMT
    A non-starter. You're not ready for prime time yet. Date some more, acquire some more experience, then try again. The same advice goes for him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 01, 2011 10:13 PM GMT
    Im sorry, but these are stupid things to be arguing over for a real, committed relationship.
  • offshore

    Posts: 1294

    Sep 01, 2011 10:18 PM GMT
    the two of you should sit down and discuss it properly. Stop the pretence and bring it into the open. You suggest him work out and ask him what he thinks of how you can improve. Make a deal, your chest hair for his work out.

    If he refuse to face the truth then its time to think about moving on
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 02, 2011 2:11 AM GMT
    Into_Fitness saiddude! so if he's the one for you a " body appareance " should not be a deal breaker. It sounds shallow and selfish to me to love someone but want him to change. Besides, no one is perfect. you take the good with the bad.


    this, then again in gay reality everything can be a deal breaker. Been there, done that, fuck da police.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 03, 2011 1:09 PM GMT
    Mister_R saidThis is my first time doing this so please excuse me if I'm breaking any rules...
    So my boyfriend and I have been going out for about a year and a half now and we're totally in love and even talked about marriage a few times. I feel like he's the one and I'm the one for him.
    However, there's this fight we have time and time again. I don't know who's right or wrong or if there is a right or wrong in this matter. I just don't know how to solve it.
    So the issue is, I'm really into Asian guys. It's just my preference, but he's only half Asian but looks more white. I sometimes have a problem with looking at Asian guys especially when they're pretty fit/buff. I even gone as far as saving pictures of some hot buff guys on my desktop so I can use at as motivation for my workouts (also drool over a little too). The thing is, my boyfriend is stick thin with a little bit of a gut. Well, needless to say, he saw these pictures and got pretty upset.
    He says things like that's what I want (which is true... I USED to want guys like that) and saying that I'm trying to change him and he can't be like that. I get mad too of course and tell him that he's not so innocent either. He tells me that he wants me to grow out my chest hair (which I hate btw) and sometimes dictates me on my hair color choice. But he says it's not the same. I know it's probably not but I thought it was unfair just because I couldn't think of stuff at that moment.
    Anyway, this lead to me admitting that I do find guys like that attractive but it's not like I would do anything with them. And he goes on to make me feel guilty (not purposely I guess), saying that there's not one thing that he wants to change about me. Of course I called him a liar because I'm not the best looking guy out there. I'm also pretty short. And I'm Asian and I know he had a thing for white guys before we dated. But he won't admit it. He acts if I'm Adonis, who's perfect and every way.
    I asked him too and said if I were to get really fat would he still think I'm "perfect". He of course answers yes, which I think is bull. He's the SUPER LOYAL type so I'm pretty sure he won't like it but he'll still stay with me. Also saying this really dampers my workout plans because what's the point if I workout and have a good body, he won't appreciate it anyways. But I still strive for it nonetheless. And I sort of want him to do so too. I mean, I kind of do want to play with a six-pack abs that doesn't belong to me. But he says that I'm always trying to change him and that I'll never be satisfied.
    So basically, the point in all this, is it that bad if I want my boyfriend to workout a little? Am I the horrible person he makes me feel for thinking that a six-pack on a guy is sexy when he doesn't have one? Is he EFFING lying when he says that he's not attracted to anyone else (I MEAN CELEBRITIES ARE THERE FOR A REASON icon_razz.gif)?
    Well anything helps. Thanks for reading.

    OP's issues = RED
    BF's issues = VIOLET

    Hmmmm...you've been on RJ for a whole day and decided to drop your "dilemma" in the hands of the readers. Is THIS the reason you joined RJ initially? Or to find workout info for YOURSELF?

    Well, "fasten your seat belts....."
    icon_rolleyes.gif

    It's difficult to truly get a handle on the situation as your monologue is peppered with a few biases and suppositions. I'm not quite sure how you both LOOKED when you FIRST met 1 1/2 years ago, but it sounds like from your PHYSICAL descriptions, neither of you is what you are looking for in a BF, let alone a life partner that you want to MARRY! This UNION was flawed from the get go. You have voiced that your ideal "Asian-looking, buff guy with a 6 pack" is NOT the "white-looking, stick thin with a gut guy" you're currently "TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH". He doesn't sound like THE ONE by any means. And you never mention the QUALITIES in him that make these physical issues plausible. On the flip side, he wants you to stop shaving your chest hair and let it grow out. And that he doesn't like your hair color. A detail you failed to specify, but does he not like your original hair color or the color you've decided to change it to?

    The OP's wish list for a guy are pretty clear and that probably makes your BF feel undesired and maybe frustrated that he's not THE ONE. You admittedly have told him and SHOWN him pictures on your computer of what you wish he were and is not! Aside from the growing of chest hair and coloring the hair on your head, your BF says he isn't as concerned with your body type even if you gained weight and got fat. You say you doubt his word. But then he's not here to vocalize how he truly feels, just your ideas on what you INTERPRET as to how he feels.

    You BOTH want to CHANGE each other from what you are.....and anyone will tell you...trying to change someone into what you want is a slippery slope leading to unhappiness and animosity toward each other. Unless you each are wanting to make changes in yourselves, FOR yourself, and not just for each other, these changes will cause pressure and resentment in your relationship. There seems to be a level of IMMATURITY due to your youth and also some INSECURITY in the OP's thoughts and OWN physical attributes that may lead to his not believing his BF's vocalizations.

    Without proper communication with each other and being able to resolve issues, bigger problems along the way will tear you further apart. Bottom line....unless you're both willing to let each other be who they are and not pressure a change in each other...what's the point of continuing in this union?!?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 03, 2011 2:47 PM GMT
    waimea saidYour BF is full of crap. Tell him to get off his high horse and get out of the fantasyland and start working out. Because if this relationship doesn't work out, he hasn't wasted all his time in this relationship. Oh, also, you think he's super loyal? Sounds more like super possessive and controlling. He has you on a leash like you're a puppy dog.

    And him saying that even if you get fat he'll still think that you're perfect? That's a sign of having totally zero confidence in himself, that he thinks that the only way to have a long term BF, is to have a guy who is fat that nobody else would find attractive (so to speak).

    btw, what is wrong looking at hot pictures of hot guys online as a form of motivation in the gym?!


    Did we read THE SAME issues posted by the OP?!? icon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gif
    Guess it's all in the interpretation!! icon_rolleyes.gif
    You might want to RE-READ the OP's posting?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 03, 2011 2:57 PM GMT
    Sorry you guys for not replying. I spent a lot of time thinking and it seems like most of the percentage of the replies was telling us that we're not right for each other...

    I really sad, I mean he has everything else, does looks really play a deep matter in this? :/....

    Well anyway thank you guys so much for your help. I looked online for help but google only gave me so much when I seached, "Get my fatass boyfriend to work out icon_razz.gif" hahahahah jk.

    So I guess the inevitable step is to break up?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 03, 2011 3:13 PM GMT
    Into_Fitness saiddude! so if he's the one for you a " body appareance " should not be a deal breaker. It sounds shallow and selfish to me to love someone but want him to change. Besides, no one is perfect. you take the good with the bad.
    Besides, a six pack its not that impossible to get!
    have you guys heard of COMPROMISE?

    get him to the gym so he can work on his six pack and you let your chest hair ! how hard is that...I guess at 22 y/old you're more worried about dating a guy with a six pack then to find your soul mate.


    +1