Hooking up with a guy who's positive

  • sfboy987

    Posts: 209

    Sep 01, 2011 6:26 PM GMT
    So I've hooked up twice already with this guy who's positive, but I still get nervous thinking about doing again. Last time we hooked up was two months ago, and I recently tested negative again. All we do is a bit foreplay, wrestling, some minor kissing, and he's blown me off. There's no anal involve and neither have I blown him off. I've been told this all low risk, but I mean there's still a tiny possibility I suppose. I'm still young and naive, so I still get nervous thinking about doing it again. Any thoughts?
  • jim_sf

    Posts: 2094

    Sep 01, 2011 7:30 PM GMT
    "Tiny possibility" doesn't begin to cover it. From what you described, the only bodily fluids that you touched were his saliva and maybe his sweat. HIV is not found in either of those - in infected men, it's in blood, semen, and pre-ejaculate - so the only way you could have been exposed is if his gums were bleeding heavily, and if you had an open cut on your penis.

    It's good that you're getting tested, and it's good that he's being honest about his status, but you don't have to worry about getting HIV from his BJ.
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    Sep 01, 2011 8:59 PM GMT
    But the OP brings up a very good point.

    How should poz guy and their lovers approach sex? Any special precautions or just the same ones we (are supposed to) use with any guy?
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    Sep 01, 2011 9:00 PM GMT
    Chainers saidBut the OP brings up a very good point.

    How should poz guy and their lovers approach sex? Any special precautions or just the same ones we (are supposed to) use with any guy?


    No, you should treat everyone as if they are positive.
  • jim_sf

    Posts: 2094

    Sep 01, 2011 9:15 PM GMT
    Troyathlete said
    Chainers saidBut the OP brings up a very good point.

    How should poz guy and their lovers approach sex? Any special precautions or just the same ones we (are supposed to) use with any guy?


    No, you should treat everyone as if they are positive.


    If you're negative, then: This.
    If you're positive, then there are two possible options:

    a) Treat everyone as if they are negative.
    b) Serosort - that is, only have sex with other known-poz guys.

    Option b) sits best in my gut, but I recognize that a) works for some people as well. In any case, there's more out there than just HIV, so we all need to take the usual precautions.
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    Sep 01, 2011 9:23 PM GMT
    jim_stl said
    Troyathlete said
    Chainers saidBut the OP brings up a very good point.

    How should poz guy and their lovers approach sex? Any special precautions or just the same ones we (are supposed to) use with any guy?


    No, you should treat everyone as if they are positive.


    If you're negative, then: This.
    If you're positive, then there are two possible options:

    a) Treat everyone as if they are negative.
    b) Serosort - that is, only have sex with other known-poz guys.

    Option b) sits best in my gut, but I recognize that a) works for some people as well. In any case, there's more out there than just HIV, so we all need to take the usual precautions.


    I'm going to have to disagree with option b. Just because you have HIV doesn't mean you can't catch someone else's and get it worse yourself. By worse I mean obtaining strains with more treatment resistances than your own. Not everyone's HIV is the same, especially for those who have been treating it for years.
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    Sep 01, 2011 9:29 PM GMT
    Remember there's a seroconversion period during which your test results will come back as negative although actually YOU HAVE BEEN INFECTED.

    So, repeat the test a few months after the 'sex'
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    Sep 01, 2011 9:30 PM GMT
    sfboy987 saidI'm still young and naive, so I still get nervous thinking about doing it again.


    Tips on overcoming this nervousness? Anyone?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 01, 2011 9:32 PM GMT
    Assume everyone is positive. Until you have spent enough time getting to know someone to trust them when they tell you they are negative. I am open about my status, but you would not believe how many people lie about it until I tell them first. Unbelievable number of people lie about it. Baffles me. Yes, HERE on RealJock....

    Besides HIV, there are tons of other things out there to catch that are much easier to catch than HIV. These days, casual sex is irresponsible - IMHO.
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    Sep 01, 2011 9:36 PM GMT
    Oh, sorry. I didn't address your post directly. You have to have a mature conversation with your partner and decide what risks you are willing to accept. Get educated first. There is always minimal risk - yes, even in open mouth kissing. Although there is not documented proof of transmission via saliva, small amounts of HIV are everywhere in the human body in an infected person.

    It's your responsibility to get educated, then have an honest discussion with yourself first, then your partner as to what level of risk you are willing to accept. Unless someone on realjock is a certified health care professional, here is not the responsible place to get information.
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    Sep 01, 2011 9:41 PM GMT
    hazardous said
    jim_stl said
    Troyathlete said
    Chainers saidBut the OP brings up a very good point.

    How should poz guy and their lovers approach sex? Any special precautions or just the same ones we (are supposed to) use with any guy?


    No, you should treat everyone as if they are positive.


    If you're negative, then: This.
    If you're positive, then there are two possible options:

    a) Treat everyone as if they are negative.
    b) Serosort - that is, only have sex with other known-poz guys.

    Option b) sits best in my gut, but I recognize that a) works for some people as well. In any case, there's more out there than just HIV, so we all need to take the usual precautions.


    I'm going to have to disagree with option b. Just because you have HIV doesn't mean you can't catch someone else's and get it worse yourself. By worse I mean obtaining strains with more resistances than your own. Not everyone's HIV is the same.


    I think that this fact is often overlooked.

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    Sep 01, 2011 11:17 PM GMT
    hazardous said
    jim_stl said
    Troyathlete said
    Chainers saidBut the OP brings up a very good point.

    How should poz guy and their lovers approach sex? Any special precautions or just the same ones we (are supposed to) use with any guy?


    No, you should treat everyone as if they are positive.


    If you're negative, then: This.
    If you're positive, then there are two possible options:

    a) Treat everyone as if they are negative.
    b) Serosort - that is, only have sex with other known-poz guys.

    Option b) sits best in my gut, but I recognize that a) works for some people as well. In any case, there's more out there than just HIV, so we all need to take the usual precautions.


    I'm going to have to disagree with option b. Just because you have HIV doesn't mean you can't catch someone else's and get it worse yourself. By worse I mean obtaining strains with more treatment resistances than your own. Not everyone's HIV is the same, especially for those who have been treating it for years.


    He didn't advocate having unprotected sex with other poz people. So if I understand what you're saying by disagreeing with option b, you think that poz people shouldn't having sexual contact with anyone including other poz people even when using safer sex practices?
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    Sep 01, 2011 11:19 PM GMT
    The_Guerrilla_Sodomite said
    hazardous said
    jim_stl said
    Troyathlete said
    Chainers saidBut the OP brings up a very good point.

    How should poz guy and their lovers approach sex? Any special precautions or just the same ones we (are supposed to) use with any guy?


    No, you should treat everyone as if they are positive.


    If you're negative, then: This.
    If you're positive, then there are two possible options:

    a) Treat everyone as if they are negative.
    b) Serosort - that is, only have sex with other known-poz guys.

    Option b) sits best in my gut, but I recognize that a) works for some people as well. In any case, there's more out there than just HIV, so we all need to take the usual precautions.


    I'm going to have to disagree with option b. Just because you have HIV doesn't mean you can't catch someone else's and get it worse yourself. By worse I mean obtaining strains with more treatment resistances than your own. Not everyone's HIV is the same, especially for those who have been treating it for years.


    He didn't advocate having unprotected sex with other poz people. So if I understand what you're saying by disagreeing with option b, you think that poz people shouldn't having sexual contact with anyone including other poz people even when using safer sex practices?


    Didnt you get the memo? People with HIV arent real people...they simply stop having sexual needs.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 01, 2011 11:24 PM GMT
    Sounds like you aren't doing anything too risky. My only thought is.... if he wants to do more, are you comfortable with it?. Just be smart.
  • Gaymer

    Posts: 111

    Sep 01, 2011 11:24 PM GMT
    Chainers said
    sfboy987 saidI'm still young and naive, so I still get nervous thinking about doing it again.


    Tips on overcoming this nervousness? Anyone?


    No, that nervousness is warranted. Don't overcome it. Ever.

    Although HIV has become manageable in the past decade, it still is a life-sentence of medication and self-restraint (which most impulsively sexual active people are terrible at).

    You should use a condom with every sexual partner - *every* including monogamous partners. One - it's a much easier clean up process. Two - it will keep you safe whereas lies and deception won't (Yea, I've been tested and Im clean [Bullshit - show me the test results]) or (No, honey, I haven't been sleeping around). Three - you will help limit the spread of that infection in your given area - one less infection is one less infection - always a good thing.

    I'm sorry that I seem biased against Poz people, but my survival and healthiness goes above being PC.
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    Sep 01, 2011 11:28 PM GMT
    well yeah just hanging out is okay ... however i wouldn't do minor kiss ... just cheeks kiss nothing more :/
  • rnch

    Posts: 11525

    Sep 01, 2011 11:33 PM GMT
    Cairo_M saidwell yeah just hanging out is okay ... however i wouldn't do minor kiss ... just cheeks kiss nothing more :/




    you prolly have done more than "cheek kiss" with a pos guy....you just don't know it icon_exclaim.gif


    icon_idea.gif
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    Sep 01, 2011 11:34 PM GMT
    rnch said
    Cairo_M saidwell yeah just hanging out is okay ... however i wouldn't do minor kiss ... just cheeks kiss nothing more :/




    you prolly have done more than "cheek kiss" with a pos guy....you just don't know it icon_exclaim.gif


    icon_idea.gif


    Thats only if you are in SF, where 1/4 are positive.
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    Sep 01, 2011 11:35 PM GMT
    Dav488 said
    Chainers said
    sfboy987 saidI'm still young and naive, so I still get nervous thinking about doing it again.


    Tips on overcoming this nervousness? Anyone?


    No, that nervousness is warranted. Don't overcome it. Ever.

    Although HIV has become manageable in the past decade, it still is a life-sentence of medication and self-restraint (which most impulsively sexual active people are terrible at).

    You should use a condom with every sexual partner - *every* including monogamous partners. One - it's a much easier clean up process. Two - it will keep you safe whereas lies and deception won't (Yea, I've been tested and Im clean [Bullshit - show me the test results]) or (No, honey, I haven't been sleeping around). Three - you will help limit the spread of that infection in your given area - one less infection is one less infection - always a good thing.

    I'm sorry that I seem biased against Poz people, but my survival and healthiness goes above being PC.


    I agree with this.

    I mean why even put urself at a minimal risk? why? can u not control ur sexual desires for this person that u absolutely need to be blown off by him?

    fuck that. I'm sorry....for not sounding PC, but I would NEVER do anything sexual with an HIV positive person, no matter how small the risk. I would be constantly thinking about it if I were to have any sexual contact.... it would constantly be running in the back of my head, therefore making any sexual contact with them unenjoyable and to be honest...,,repulsive. ....im not sayin poz people are repulsive, absolutely not, but the idea of doing something sexual with them does repulse me.


    and to the dude that's like "any tips on getting over the nervousness?"
    lol are u kidding me? you're prob nervous for a reason, so why do it? why do u wanna "get over it"....so u can get ur rocks off? pffffft
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 01, 2011 11:40 PM GMT
    rnch said
    Cairo_M saidwell yeah just hanging out is okay ... however i wouldn't do minor kiss ... just cheeks kiss nothing more :/




    you prolly have done more than "cheek kiss" with a pos guy....you just don't know it icon_exclaim.gif


    icon_idea.gif



    Nah ... am not into hook ups icon_razz.gif
  • imbrad

    Posts: 377

    Sep 01, 2011 11:40 PM GMT
    Dav488 said
    Chainers said
    sfboy987 saidI'm still young and naive, so I still get nervous thinking about doing it again.


    Tips on overcoming this nervousness? Anyone?


    No, that nervousness is warranted. Don't overcome it. Ever.

    Although HIV has become manageable in the past decade, it still is a life-sentence of medication and self-restraint (which most impulsively sexual active people are terrible at).

    You should use a condom with every sexual partner - *every* including monogamous partners. One - it's a much easier clean up process. Two - it will keep you safe whereas lies and deception won't (Yea, I've been tested and Im clean [Bullshit - show me the test results]) or (No, honey, I haven't been sleeping around). Three - you will help limit the spread of that infection in your given area - one less infection is one less infection - always a good thing.

    I'm sorry that I seem biased against Poz people, but my survival and healthiness goes above being PC.


    I can't tell if some of these posts are jokes or not. This one is ridiculous though. If your entire sexual experience is focused on protecting "number 1" then you are never going to know the awesome thing that sex can be. yes if you are 'hooking up' wrap it up. Of course. But eventually it's best to learn to trust someone and be open about these things so you don't have to be nervous.

    As for the OP. Your nervousness is quite valid but from what you described "low risk" is the understatment of the year. You are at a pretty close to 0 risk level. If you are still scared go crazy with the heavy petting, you won't get sick from it. Enjoy yourself until you are comfortable with someone POZ or not that you can trust.

    When you're ready condoms are almost 100% effective... ok i'll say almost %99 effective for those of you who want more honest advertising. That small percentage is something you'll have to get used to.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 01, 2011 11:42 PM GMT
    If the poz guy is responsible and taking his meds, and has a low viral load, like undetectable, then the chance is infection is greatly reduced. Add condoms to the mix and you're practically approaching zero. Recent studies with mixed-status couples has confirmed this.

    Anyway, you're more likely to get HIV from someone who doesn't know they have it already then from someone who is getting treated for it.

    Just be sensible and use protection.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 01, 2011 11:48 PM GMT
    Here's a recent article on how effective HAART can be in limiting new infections:

    http://michiganmessenger.com/49005/feds-hiv-medications-cuts-new-infections-by-96-percent



    The National Institutes of Health in Washington D.C. announced Thursday that a study of the impact of anti-retroviral medications on the infectiousness of those infected with the virus found the medications cut infections by 96 percent.

    The study confirmed a determination by the Swiss High Court several years ago. The court there ruled that a person on HIV medications that have achieved an undetectable viral load for six months or more and were not infected with any other sexually transmitted infections were not legally contagious.

    In this new study, researchers follow 1,763 couples in 13 study locations in the Americas, Africa and Asia. The couples were sero-discordant — or magnetic couples — which means one partner was HIV-positive and the other was HIV-negative. Couples were randomly assigned into two study groups. In the first group, the HIV-positive partner received HIV medications only when their blood work showed the virus was beginning to do damage to the immune system. In the second group, the HIV-positive partner was started on medications immediately, regardless of what blood tests show.

    The second group was found to reduce infections by 96 percent, reports the BBC. The group where the medications were started immediately saw only one seroconversion, while the other group saw 27 seroconversions. The study findings were so dramatic, NIH researchers pulled the plug on the program four years early in order to extend the medication intervention to all of the couples and prevent new infections. The study started in 2005 was supposed to last until 2015.

    The study is likely to fuel the continued push by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta for a prevention strategy called “test and treat.” In that strategy, health workers work to identify all people infected with the virus in high prevalence areas. As soon as someone tests positive for HIV, they are started on anti-retrovirals. The CDC is currently piloting the idea in Washington D.C. and Brooklyn NY, two areas with significant HIV prevalence.

    Targeting viral loads, which is a measure of free virus in the blood, in order to reduce it has long been a goal in treating HIV. However, it has also begun to show promise as a prevention intervention as well. However, it is not without detractors.

    Some people argue that the medications are being foisted on HIV-positive individuals who may not fully understand the implications of taking the toxic meds for the rest of their lives. They may also not feel empowered to challenge health care providers and become full partners in their own care. The final concern that is expressed about test and treat is the issue of medical necessity. There are no long term studies showing what, if any, benefit taking the medications early in the infection course may have over the long term effects of the medications themselves.

    Regardless of those concerns, prevention advocates hailed the discovery, reports the Chicago Tribune.

    “This is amazing news,” said Michael Sidibe, executive director of the Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS. “Prevention can be a reality. The science is strong — so strong that we must use it.”

    Using those medications right away may be an issue, since the medication can run $15,000 or more per year. Developing countries continue to struggle to afford the anti-HIV medications, even when they have access to cheaper generics. And here in the U.S. the federally funded AIDS Drug Assistance Program has been under strain across the country. The strain has resulted from more people starting treatment sooner as the result of a 2009 change in treatment protocols as well as the economic pressures of increased unemployment and stagnant wages.
  • jim_sf

    Posts: 2094

    Sep 02, 2011 3:55 AM GMT
    Troyathlete saidDidnt you get the memo? People with HIV arent real people...they simply stop having sexual needs.


    This. I can't even masturbate, because I might reinfect myself with my nucular demon semen. icon_rolleyes.gif

    yourname2000 saidA healthy amount of fear is.....well, healthy. And a crippling fear is crippling. Know the risks, act accordingly, but act nonetheless. A life without love is no life (and I'm speaking from experience there, lol.)


    This, also. It's one thing to decide against barebacking because its risk is high. It's another thing entirely to decide against all acts of physical intimacy simply because the risk is nonzero.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 02, 2011 4:01 AM GMT
    I hate those types, they're all cheery and Miss Mary Sunshine and shit.