Coming Out...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 2:20 AM GMT
    so, I'm thinking about coming out to my family. First to my brother and sister, and then to my parents.

    I'm out to almost everyone else in my life, and I'm totally cool with he gay thingicon_razz.gif.
    But my parents are ultraconservative, and I'm concerned they (at least my dad) will cut me off. I'm not that worried about my brother nor my sister, but my parent is a different story.

    Any advise?

    I would appreciate any opinions on the subject.
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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 2:23 AM GMT
    Err, best wishes?

    Anytime my father hears/sees anything about gays he says "kill 'em all." /deep breath

    So yeah, do what you gotta do man, and best wishes. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 2:31 AM GMT
    Buckwheet saidErr, best wishes?

    Anytime my father hears/sees anything about gays he says "kill 'em all." /deep breath

    So yeah, do what you gotta do man, and best wishes. icon_smile.gif


    Has my father met yours?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 11:27 AM GMT
    My father just made a gay joke yesterday. icon_cry.gif

    Oh well...

    metropolitan, good luck! I wish I was in your stage already icon_confused.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 10, 2008 12:32 PM GMT
    What a really sad state of affairs when you hear things like said above... "Kill them all" or nasty jokes.

    Sometimes when I hear that sort of thing, I wonder if the parent doesn't already suspect his (or her) son is gay and the comments are a way of defense for them or to warn the gay son, "You had better not be that way, its bad". Or merely, "I don't want you that way".

    My suggestion is not to tell your parents at this moment. Evaluate your self sufficiency. If the disclosure will put you into a serious difficulty, I would wait. Others may disagree with me, but my view is tell them when it is appropriate for you to do so.. from a position of strength, don't do it unless you have evaluated all potential outcomes and are prepared to deal with whatever may happen.

    Good luck and keep us informed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 3:19 PM GMT
    There is wisdom in the words of HndsmKansan, on this issue.

    Do what's best for you. You don't have to fall on your sword for us or the Gay community.

    As you get older, these matters usually get easier.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 3:28 PM GMT
    Why do you want to come out to them? Will it bring you closer to them? Will it relieve your anxiety about having them find out some other way?

    I do not think you should feel you have to come out to your family until you have some independence from them.
  • CSPYNY

    Posts: 187

    May 10, 2008 4:13 PM GMT
    SockMonkey said
    I do not think you should feel you have to come out to your family until you have some independence from them.


    Agreed. I came out to my parents last summer. They were cool with it and suspected it.

    Im not sure why, but I do not feel comfortable being home anymore. I live at home during the summer and it is going to be hard.

    I think a lot of it has to do with how comfortable you are to yourself. When I told my parents, I was the one that took it bad not them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 4:23 PM GMT
    I came out to both parents when I decided to commit to and move in with someone, basically no more family gatherings for me unless they included my new family member. I got my (divorced) parents reactions exactly backwards. Raised in the southern baptist tradition mom now defends me, or all of us, in her Sunday school class, keeps in touch with my partner, and generally acts like a caring in-law. The most communication I've gotten from my Dad is the odd post in my blog. I have not seen him in person since. While it is unfortunate, it is also my father's loss and his responisibility to come to terms. I have decided not to let his lack of approval affect the course of my life.

    metropolitan saidso, I'm thinking about coming out to my family. First to my brother and sister, and then to my parents.

    But my parents are ultraconservative, and I'm concerned they (at least my dad) will cut me off.
    Any advise?

    I would appreciate any opinions on the subject.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 4:26 PM GMT
    My advice is that if you decide to come out to your parents, make sure you do it with confidence in your self. Be sure to make it a statement, not an apology. You are becoming the man that you were created to be. You're not a pervert you're not a sicko and you're certainly not mentally ill. You're the same man you were the day before you told them.

    Let them see that all the great things that they love about you, are all part of the man you are. And you're a gay man.

    I don't know your father so I have no idea how he'll really react. But chances are, he already knows.

    And definitely come out to your siblings first. Cause if your dad does turn out to be an asshold, you'll need the support.

    That being said, I'm wondering why you feel like you need to come out at this time? There is nothing wrong with doing it, but I'm curious of your intentions.

    When I came out, I did it cause I felt like I just had to finally be honest with myself and it felt amazing. Sure some reacted in the worse possible way, but I was strong, didn't apologize and said "this is who I am". It has nothing to do with you. And if you have an issue with it, it's your issue. Not mine.

    Best of luck and keep us posted.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 6:37 PM GMT
    I going to try and tell my brother this afternoon, since he is coming to visit.

    wish me luck, if you haven't already.

    I want to come out because I feel like if I don't, It would be like I'm lying to myself and my parents. I just don't feel comfortable hiding something from them, which most people outside my family already know. I just want to be able to say out loud "I'm here and I'm Queer... also availableicon_wink.gif"

    And I think they know already but are in denial.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 6:57 PM GMT
    best of luck man. hopefully things go smoothly.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 7:05 PM GMT
    BEST OF WISHES. People always react a little different than you expect, and while I know it's a difficult moment, it's an incredibly liberating one as well. Finally you lay all your cards on the table and you let THEM know who YOU are. This is THEIR chance to embrace the son that, like it more or less, they've created.

    You don't owe them anything when it comes to this. Like Polo so greatly said, "Make sure you do it with confidence in your self. Be sure to make it a statement, not an apology."

    And always, ALWAYS be positive when you say it, like saying you're really happy the way you are and you feel really proud about having the balls to assume who you are in front of everyone. They will most likely raise the tough questions anyway.

    Please let us know how it goes, and like a man with a mission, keep your eyes on the prize and don't over-think the rest, knowing that in the end it will all be for the better.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 7:05 PM GMT
    Best of luck.

    Consider asking your siblings for advice about coming out to your parents.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 11, 2008 5:51 AM GMT
    I still haven't come out to the folks... I tested the water with my sister first. She now completely clams up at the mention of anything to do with my personal life.

    My brother was next... he still thinks I'm joking.

    It's not to say that they have changed how they act around me, or are now treating me like a freak... we have always been a family that doesn't share emotions. We joke, we laugh, we have lots of fun - but feelings are never discussed.

    The parents will come eventually... just making sure I am completely comfortable and good with me.

    Good luck man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 11, 2008 6:13 AM GMT
    I wish I can come out to my friends and my family.. well good luck and post your experience on here, I'm gonna keep read this..

    GOOD Luck icon_smile.gif
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    May 11, 2008 6:28 AM GMT
    Tell us how it went.

    I agree with a couple of the guys here. What's the rush in coming out? If you think your parents might throw a wobbler over it, then why not leave it. Some generations have trouble handling stuff like this, and if there isn't a practical need, then why rock the boat?

    However, like you, I decided I wanted to tell some of my family and went for my brother first (he was cool), and then my sister asked me (she's very proud of me) and so on. I can see the reason to be honest with your family.

    I took my partner home to meet my family 5 years ago. And now my Mum prefers him to me I think.

    My main advice is don't rush things, life has a way of making things happen in a natural way in the end.

    Keep us posted.

    Lozx

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 13, 2008 8:20 PM GMT
    I have bad news, I wasn't able to come out.

    I was hoping my brother would come but he wasn't able and hence I didn't tell him.

    He might be able to come next weekend, he lives in Mexico city and I in San Luis. So still wish me luck.
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  • pcsean28

    Posts: 161

    May 13, 2008 8:24 PM GMT
    Just FYI most college financial aid offices will work with students who have been cut off from their parents, usually for coming out to them. If your main concern is financial independence, you should do some research at your school's LGBT center (if there is one) or go direct to the financial aid office.

    Best of luck though, such an awesome feeling when you decide to move on with your life!

    Sean
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    May 15, 2008 2:04 AM GMT
    pcsean28 saidJust FYI most college financial aid offices will work with students who have been cut off from their parents, usually for coming out to them. If your main concern is financial independence, you should do some research at your school's LGBT center (if there is one) or go direct to the financial aid office.

    Best of luck though, such an awesome feeling when you decide to move on with your life!

    Sean


    I don't think we have that here in Mexico, but I think I could get a scholarship with my grades, I've just wanted to take an opportunity to got to school from someone who can't afford it. But if my parents kick me out, them I'd be one of those people.

    thanks for the support.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    May 15, 2008 2:15 AM GMT
    If you are financially dependent on your parents, I wouldn't come out to them yet.
  • CSPYNY

    Posts: 187

    May 15, 2008 2:25 AM GMT
    Double posted
  • dac104

    Posts: 14

    May 15, 2008 2:36 AM GMT
    Best of luck to you. I expected the worst when I came out to my parents. It was right before my senior fall semester at university. I thought I would be cut off completely and wouldn't be able to finish school or live with my family.

    In the end, I was mostly relieved that I came out for myself and not for my parents. i wanted them to know who I really was. Do it for yourself. I told my twin brother first and he kind of knew already. Then I told my sister. My best friends already knew and were a wave of support. Your friends will become your support. The people who love you will be there.

    Let us know how it goes.