Need advise on my current/1st gay relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 03, 2011 9:19 PM GMT
    Background:

    I randomly ended up meeting a guy at a friends house a few weeks ago. He made a really bold move and started rubbing my shoulders when the living room had cleared out. To my surprise, I was receptive to his touch and we ended up talking and hanging out together since.

    He knew I had always been into women only. To this point I haven't found guys attractive. I still only see him as attractive. I believe its because of the emotional connection I feel with him, which was the cornerstone of my previous good relationships as well. This gives me some hope. We have talked and we both seem very interested in seeing where this will go.

    Possible problems:

    I have concerns since this all really new to me. He has been jerked around in his last few relationships and it would kill me if I hurt him. I also know that I'm most likely terrible when fooling around with him but he seems to still be glad that I'm there and hasn't visibly been discouraged. I know having an inexperienced lover borders or crosses the annoying line so I get self conscious.

    I think the odds a finding the 1st guy I'm attracted to and then also finding out he a match seems pretty slim. I'm worried that I'm just on this current "new relationship high" and when it's over I might just want to be friends. Everything just seems so perfect with him and that's scary.(I guess you could say that's a risk in any new relationship)

    Conclusion:
    I'm hoping someone here has been in this situation and can lend some type of advise.
    I feel like staying with this at full strength but I think that might be me being greedy. I sometimes think I should put this on hold and take a step back for a while and let these new feelings settle down a bit then re-access.

    -Thanks for the help!

    Edit-
    PS- I'm not embarrassed of my relationship in anyway. It doesn't factor into what my decision will be. I just want him and I to be happy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 04, 2011 12:59 AM GMT
    your a lucky guy to have something like that, just go with the flow and don't hold your self back or him. if you like him then go for it and fuck the past.icon_biggrin.gif
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    Sep 04, 2011 12:18 PM GMT
    archon saidyour a lucky guy to have something like that, just go with the flow and don't hold your self back or him. if you like him then go for it and fuck the past.icon_biggrin.gif



    :3 TY
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    Sep 04, 2011 1:46 PM GMT
    If you are straight, then I admire your ability to go after what your heart wants, even if it happens to be a guy...especially if you're upfront about it.

    However, if you are actually straight, the sex will be an obstacle. You're probably not going to be able to get it up and/or enjoy sex or the physical intimacy...which would probably hurt his feelings.

    You should probably talk it through with him...take it slow, make sure you want a relationship...if you still feel the same way a few months from now, then roll with it. But then you may have to come to terms that you're most likely bi (or gay) (and everyone else will think you are too). Are you ready for that?
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    Sep 04, 2011 2:51 PM GMT
    Just sent him the link to this thread. Thanks for the realistic concerns Closer. Some good stuff for us to talk about. I do feel physically attracted to him when I'm around him so I can't be straight. insert label here icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 04, 2011 3:11 PM GMT
    Just be open and honest about everything you're feeling with him. Best way of avoiding assumptions and hurt feelings.
  • denvermark

    Posts: 19

    Sep 04, 2011 4:04 PM GMT
    Congrats on the new relationship adventure. I'll offer two pieces of advice. They apply to all relationships, but they may have even more importance for you because this is your first relationship with a man.

    1. Successful relationships are based on excellent communication. You have to be able to talk reasonably with each other about the things that matter. Many of those conversations are difficult and require practice with your partner. Avoiding the difficult ones, hiding things, or lying will sink the relationship. So talk with your man about what you're feeling and going through.

    2. Be yourself in the relationship. When you find the right person, they don't need you to change in any substantive way; they like you for who you are already. (Well, they might want you to start cleaning your dishes more than once a month. Sheesh.) It sounds like you are off to a good start here, but you may still be figuring out who you are a bit on the way. That's part of the package deal he's getting with you, so hopefully he already understands that. If not, see #1.

    Finding the right partner in life is amazing, but you can't find them if you aren't willing to jump in and try the relationship out. If you think you may have found the right person, jump in with both feet! Good luck! icon_smile.gif

    Mark
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    Sep 04, 2011 4:21 PM GMT
    Firstly, how good of you to be concerned about his well-being and not just your own. He obviously recognises your qualities and is attracted to you. Perhaps it will not work out. The odds are certainly against it, but neither he nor you can develop emotionally by avoiding relationships, because of what 'might' happen further down the line. Take things slowly and just go with the flow. Enjoy each other's company. If at some point you are not comfortable taking things a step further, tell him (and explain why).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 04, 2011 4:59 PM GMT
    I am in a somewhat similar situation - communication is vital. Make sure you be honest and make sure he is willing to have some awkward conversations with you. Nothing is worse than holding back and keeping things to yourself especially as you begin developing the relationship in the beginning. And also do not be afraid of going to friends or anonymous internet people for advice like you did with this thread - the only stupid question is the one you want to ask but are afraid to do so.

    He clearly sees something in you. And it sounds like he has had a pretty rough time lately, which definitely ages and propels someone forward into looking for the true love, someone you are willing to have the awkward conversations with and be entirely honest and open as you get to know each other.

    If he is the first guy you are really attracted to this is the question you need to ask yourself: does he make you feel amazing enough that the energy and support he gives you will make you strong enough to deal with being called a faggot for the rest of your life? That's the rubric I used. I am willing to be called a lot worse and lose my job over my guy, he is that perfect. Just realize there are consequences. I don't think a single person on this board has a story about coming out that did not have elements of unintended consequences, losing friends/family, or worse.

    I hope it works out for you two if that is your desire - Professor Minerva McGonagall said, 'Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world' and I agree, in your situation as well as in Lupin's situation [and my own as well!] icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 05, 2011 4:47 AM GMT
    @spaghet

    At this point I'm really glad I have distanced my self from any bigot family and friends in the past anyway. icon_smile.gif
    I could handle being called names but I'm not sure how I would take hearing my significant other being called something.



    Anyway, we have decided to keep pushing forward. This thread did help us through a lot of useful dialog. icon_biggrin.gif

    I am optimistic and he seems to be as well!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 05, 2011 1:58 PM GMT
    effen saidI have concerns since this all really new to me. He has been jerked around in his last few relationships and it would kill me if I hurt him. I also know that I'm most likely terrible when fooling around with him but he seems to still be glad that I'm there and hasn't visibly been discouraged. I know having an inexperienced lover borders or crosses the annoying line so I get self conscious.

    I think the odds a finding the 1st guy I'm attracted to and then also finding out he a match seems pretty slim. I'm worried that I'm just on this current "new relationship high" and when it's over I might just want to be friends. Everything just seems so perfect with him and that's scary. (I guess you could say that's a risk in any new relationship)

    Have you told him that this is new to you, that he is your first? That might allow him to help you, and also help him to understand & accept if you move off in a different direction, without him "killing you." Honesty is often a good way to immunize yourself against a later charge that you misrepresented yourself.

    My own head was spinning with joy with my first BF barely a month after I came out. Handsome, my age, same elevated IQ, same cultural & artistic tastes, same privileged background, we both even spoke German (well, me much less than him, but we'd have German poetry readings at his house with guests). Can you imagine my astonishment at stumbling across such an amazing thing? Hardly a month after I came out, like it was meant to be.

    Then his ex-partner reappeared on the scene, suing him for the house, and turning his life into turmoil. My BF turned out to be intellectually brilliant, but emotionally fragile, a pattern I was to see many times again with gay men. He collapsed into a mire of depression & Prozac, from which I couldn't rescue him. (The ex eventually lost his case, BTW, and my now-ex-BF kept his house, but his emotional life was ruined, from which he never recovered) Tough for me, too, but I learned a lot of important lessons.

    You may be correct, that this is a first relationship high. You may also have struck the Jackpot. Let it play out, don't anticipate. At worst you will go away with valuable lessons. At best you really did strike the Jackpot. In my view, it's all good. icon_biggrin.gif
  • hawkeye7

    Posts: 565

    Sep 05, 2011 2:21 PM GMT
    As long as you are honest, it will be the best you can be
    You are going to discover that most gay men have a stong consitiution, it comes from having a cock up you ass.

    follow your heart and enjoy the journey
    That is one of my lines.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 05, 2011 2:28 PM GMT
    Take some time and enjoy yourself. The fact you have only been with women to this point shouldn't be a problem, sometimes .... it all comes naturually. Just be honest, he may be a little concerned if he begins to fall for your and you're still saying you don't really know if you are gay.

    And as for someone who is on a "new relationship high" with a man for the first time.... it can work.... I can remember someone who was in the same situation almost 13 years ago with his first "boyfriend experience" and that goes on even to this day.

    Screw the worries about sexual inexperience with a guy, just jump him and have fun with it!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 05, 2011 2:31 PM GMT
    hawkeye7 said
    You are going to discover that most gay men have a stong consitiution, it comes from having a cock up you ass.



    LOL!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 18, 2011 10:21 PM GMT
    Turns out he we have differing ideas about how a relationship should go but I have a new good friend in him. So its a push icon_smile.gif

    Still, no regrets.