Discovering (by accident) someone is HIV+ after you've had sex with them.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 10:36 AM GMT
    How do you feel about it? A guy I dated about six months ago recently messaged me on Facebook and he has this information in his profile.

    He never said anything about this while we were dating even though I told him my negative status. We always used condoms. Now I feel annoyed and angry. I haven't replied to his message and don't think i'm going to at the moment cos I may say stuff I'll regret later. What do you think?
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 10, 2008 11:53 AM GMT
    If you haven't been tested get yourself tested
    ... and treat this as a learning device

    First always play safe
    and second ask some direct questions

    ...no wiggle room
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    May 10, 2008 1:42 PM GMT
    I've been told my attitude is too extreme, but I believe you should assume the other person is positive all the time, even if he says he's not.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 1:48 PM GMT
    Well, I used condoms. I always use them, it just freaks me out when guys lie.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 1:59 PM GMT
    I behave like Timberoo. Assume they're positive. Assume they could have herpes even if they aren't having an outbreak you can see. Assume they performed and received oral sex without the proper protection. Every sexual encounter, for both gays, straights and all points in between, is fraught with a dollop of risk. Size of the dollop depends on the amount of honesty at work in the situation.

    Sounds, though, as if you - redheadguy - have already figured out your strategy, allowing a little distance in which you can regain some composure in the situation.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 2:05 PM GMT
    You didn't ask him in the first place?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 2:19 PM GMT
    I dated a guy like that once but honestly I don't think he knew his sero status. I always insisted he wear a condom for butt sex however, I must have sucked a quart or two of his cum and I swallow. He and I drifted apart and a year and a half later I found out he died from AIDS. His viral load must have been through the roof.

    I get tested every three months and never converted. I was a bit shaken and I'm glad I didn't give in when he pleaded to bareback me.

    I'm not afraid of being with poz guys though. The virus doesn't change them into monsters. I have no problem dating poz guys, kissing and carressing and finding safe ways to releive their tension. I find the poz guys I know to be quite an inspiration to the human spirit.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 2:20 PM GMT
    On his Mancunt profile it says negative. However, on his Facebook profile he describes himself as a poz but healthy man (also partnered which he mysteriously forgot to mention too).
  • marlonmark

    Posts: 1

    May 10, 2008 2:22 PM GMT
    hey redhead..

    we all have been in this position...and I think this is tricky...

    for instance I dated a guy who tested negative BUT was original diagnosed as HIV positive and thru an anti-viral drug routine, he tests negative/ non reactive...

    I also knew of a friend who got involved with his partner and he had tested negative, then into the relationship, he tested positive..

    therefore..my advise...always protect yourself..no matter what...HIV status is a personal decision to convey to others...therefore you treat everyone like they are positive to protect yourself..

    Just like me and many others we all have been with other men who are positive and we did not know it: whether it has been "a one nighter" or "just dating" and they didnt convey there HIV status..

    For myself, I info the guy that Im negative and practice safe sex. On the other hand, I like foreplay, which includes oral sex, and CDC states the virus can be transmitted that way. Either way, if you practiced safe sex, i know you are negative..

    I would find out from your friend why at this time he did inform you..maybe you two started as casual dating and now he likes you more than "just dating" and wanted to be up front before moving on...

    I think you are freaked out because you truly knows his HIV status...Again, we all have been there my friend...
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    May 10, 2008 2:23 PM GMT
    redheadguy saidOn his Mancunt profile it says negative. However, on his Facebook profile he describes himself as a poz but healthy man (also partnered which he mysteriously forgot to mention too).


    Obviously he's a total dick.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 2:32 PM GMT
    I think I will extricate myself out of this particular situation by not responding to him. I will leave him to have fun with his partner and other suckers.

    And I agree absolutely, sexual health is my own responsibility, no-one else's.
  • TonyD

    Posts: 168

    May 10, 2008 3:19 PM GMT
    My experience: Manhunt: Guys lie about their status in some situations.
    On this site, more than any other, it is about the 'sex'..and not the person. Online, I have experienced super aggressive guys with obnoxious sexual demands...
    It is a frightening look into the entitlement these guys have regarding sex, and their lack of care and concern for the person they are with...

    I have a friend who is HIV+ and displays it in his MH profile...he'll chat wih neg and poz guys often.
    A typical interaction consists of
    a few exchanged pleasantries and then talk of the possible sexual encounter. When he refuses sex with one of these neg guys due to being 'HIV discordant'
    (he will not have sex with guys unless they are poz, like him...he believes neg with neg AND poz with poz, only) they THEN inform him that they are poz and they put neg in their profiles to be more appealing.
    Shameful. Sad. Understandable.

    The guideline of assuming everyone is positive seems to be a good rule of thumb...what we do with that info (oral, etc) is another decision. If there is a high enough viral load, then transmission is possible, thru oral sex.

    Like redheadguy, I 'dated' a guy and then, months later, he informed me he was HIV+...he didn't know 'til recently...and is going through a terrible time of adjustment. Our romantic separation, previously, had little to do with the HIV+, there were other obstacles along the way.
    I still have feelings for him, and am deciding what to do with them...
    I'd like to be a good friend...my feelings go deeper than any passing romantic interest.
    I truly care for him and want to be there for him...how this will pan out...not sure, yet.
  • bigguysf

    Posts: 329

    May 10, 2008 3:27 PM GMT
    I'm like RunintheCity... Many people think I'm too extreme with my sexual boundaries. But I have them in place because guys LIE. And they do so with a surprising amount of ease too. If you don't put your own boundaries in place and adhere to them, ultimately you will be the one to blame if you seroconvert.

    Here's a story for you: I met a guy on A4A who wanted me to come over and do him. I have all of my stuff about safe sex only with neg. guys in my profile, and you can't miss it. He said he was neg. and that was cool. His picture kinda looked familiar after he unlocked his face though.

    I get to his place and sure enough I recognized him from a Treasure Island Media video that was all about him taking loads up his butt. I finally got him to at least admit that he "didn't know" his status cuz he hadn't been tested in a few years, but tested Neg. the last time he did.

    AT LEAST IF YOU ARE GONNA LIE, LIE WELL!!!! icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 3:34 PM GMT
    It's pricks like this that ruin it for everyone. EVERYONE.

    Anyone who is HIV+ and doesn't tell his sexual partner, yet engages in risky behavior with them, should have "HIV+" tattooed to his dick so no one else gets screwed.

    OK maybe not, but this stuff really bugs me, and I've been hearing similar stories from a few people these days. Lately I've been avoiding certain kinds of intimate sexual contact with a particular person because he had a similar situation come up recently. Actually make that two people.

    EDIT: OK. Cooled off. It takes two to engage in risky behavior. Most of you guys above are right. Damn I hate condoms. Damn I love trust. Damn I wish momogamy meant monogamy and nothing extra. Damn the self-loathing, lies, and lack of respect for others' well being. Grr.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 3:47 PM GMT
    redheadguy saidOn his Mancunt profile it says negative. However, on his Facebook profile he describes himself as a poz but healthy man (also partnered which he mysteriously forgot to mention too).

    Oh, I think you should tell him what a sociopathic jackass he is, seriously.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 4:09 PM GMT
    Oh Red feck he should have told you at least what an arsehole!!!
    Thank god you did the Johnny bit?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 4:42 PM GMT
    What's a Johnny bit? icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 4:44 PM GMT
    RyanOji saidWhat's a Johnny bit? icon_confused.gif



    Oh sorry Dude "Johnny" is an old english word for a condom it stem's back to the days in the 40's when the Yank's invaded the UK and screwed all of our Women!


    The fucked off back home alone!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 5:07 PM GMT
    icon_rolleyes.gifThis guy has committed a criminal offense. Any one who is HIV+ know their status is bound by law to communicate this to their persepective partners.

    Not doing so is a felony and he could be charge with attempted murder PERIOD. That's the law in the USA.

    I don't undrstand the guy did not reveal his status to you he did not care about your feelings why are you concerned about his???

    I don't get it!

    Why did you not ask him about his HIV status when you disclosed yours?

    That is one of the first questions that I ask before there is even talk of sex!

    If the guy does not like it then he can "KICK ROCKS"!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 6:13 PM GMT
    Hopefully you had protection. Get tested. Think before you stick it in and vise versa! ASK ASK ASK!

    Mainly, you need to get tested dude. Stop the cycle!

    Its so easy to not make these mistakes. Why are guys so stupid about this. I just don't get it.

    You just can't trust anyone. I suggest a hazmat suit when hooking up.

    Everyone can learn from this mistake! Thanks for Sharing!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 6:24 PM GMT
    Well, I used condoms so i was protected.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 6:50 PM GMT
    That was six months ago so what's the problem? Just tell him that you know about his status and explain how you found out about it. Also ask if he knew what his status was when you dated and take it from there.

    Maybe he was neg. then. To be non-responsive does not seem fair. Maybe he was reaching out to you to explain this to you.


  • auryn

    Posts: 2061

    May 10, 2008 7:23 PM GMT
    Six months and he's just now telling you because you found out on Facebook?!?icon_evil.gif
    Not good. Sooooo not good. Six months, and he didn't disclose; are you kidding me?!

    WTF?

    I'll try to be objective later, but right now I'm pissed for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 7:57 PM GMT
    Personally, I take that seriously. I do not consider anyone who is positive not informing me of their status as a friend. At 50, I've been to way too many funerals to tolerate that. Being HIV positive is not a disaster. Not telling someone who is potentially important to you in your life of yoour status is a big deal.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2008 8:35 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidI've been told my attitude is too extreme, but I believe you should assume the other person is positive all the time, even if he says he's not.
    Not an extreme attitude, just a smart one.


    Before I screwed up (it took just once) I dated several poz guys. One of them didn't tell me about his status until we'd been seeing each other for few weeks. I was mildly annoyed because I felt bad that he was afraid to tell me, but I was never angry with him about it. I always had the attitude that it was solely my responsibility to watch out for myself. I was the one who made the decision to be safe or not. Therefore, unless the other person physically forced me to have unprotected sex with him, I considered myself the responsible party. I never felt I needed to know the other guy's status because I had always treated everyone like they were positive. It was when I didn't that I got into trouble.