Why is it when a guy shows interest in me, then I pull away?

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    Sep 04, 2011 3:35 PM GMT
    OK I think I just pretty much answered my own thread here:

    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/1729753

    But somehow I am more confused than ever.

    Background story: I was chatting with this guy on grindr today and he has this nice body and his default pic is one with his abs (8pack btw). We exchanged pictures and he is a cute guy. I mean, not extremely hot but still very cute. . So we were exchanging messages in an IMish way for like 10 minutes (mostly pictures and stuff), and apparently he starts to "turn on the charm" with some flirting and stuff like that. As soon as he did that (calls me sexy and amongst other really flattering names), my interest in him had gone down like several mega levels. I went from "yeah I'd tap it" to "meh".

    Is it me? I mean, WTF? How can someone pay you a compliment about your appearance that actually turns you OFF?! I mean, I thought it's supposed to turn you on. Or is this some kind of masochistic thing that's inside me that prefers abuse?!

    I really would like your inputs on this. Thanks RJers!
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    Sep 04, 2011 3:45 PM GMT
    I always chuckle when guys start with the "hey sexy" comments and stuff like that. I can't take it seriously idk

    I mean its not a huge turn off for me like it is for you, but I could do without it.
    Hard to explain.
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    Sep 04, 2011 4:01 PM GMT
    Well, a few Grindr pics and ten minutes sounds like an ample amount of time to evaluate another human being and your feelings toward him. Sounds like your right on target to meet that Prince of your dreams!

    Two thumbs up for another great "date"!!!!!!
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    Sep 04, 2011 4:10 PM GMT
    Cash saidWell, a few Grindr pics and ten minutes sounds like an ample amount of time to evaluate another human being and your feelings toward him. Sounds like your right on target to meet that Prince of your dreams!

    Two thumbs up for another great "date"!!!!!!

    LOL! Stop mocking me. I can't help it if I like things to manifest fast and efficiently. icon_wink.gif
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    Sep 04, 2011 4:19 PM GMT
    It's because you know you already have him... We all wanna be chased icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 04, 2011 4:37 PM GMT
    Kristoff saidIt's because you know you already have him... We all wanna be chased icon_smile.gif


    Chased? You mean like when the local townspeople are running after you with pitchforks and torches? That is NOT being "chased" in the way you would like to think.
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    Sep 04, 2011 4:41 PM GMT
    waimea said
    Cash saidWell, a few Grindr pics and ten minutes sounds like an ample amount of time to evaluate another human being and your feelings toward him. Sounds like your right on target to meet that Prince of your dreams!

    Two thumbs up for another great "date"!!!!!!

    LOL! Stop mocking me. I can't help it if I like things to manifest fast and efficiently. icon_wink.gif


    Oh, not mocking as much as illustrating. Efficiency is grand ...but ten minutes?!? That's not even enough time to find out how much money he has or what kind of car he drives.

    If anything it sounds as if things are cutting to the chase too quickly for your sensibilities.
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    Sep 04, 2011 5:29 PM GMT
    Isnt it just obvious? YOu just demonstrated the typical phenomenon of wanting the next thing.... its like you want something, then you get it, then you want something else instead... the excitement and the anticipation of getting something is now over, so you look for a new one.... humans do it all the time, you have that new car you always wanted, and the moment you have it, you begin noticing even BETTER models you want... and you wind up changing it asap.. its what the consumer society is founded upon....

    so it goes with everything you have... the grass is always greener in the garden that you dont have! Thats human psychology...
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    Sep 04, 2011 5:43 PM GMT
    Self Esteem issue.

    Everyone ascribes a certain value to his or herself. When they seek out other people, they have expectations of how those people will react to them based on that value. They are attracted to people who are nonchalant about them because it makes them feel as though they are interacting with someone who believes that he or she has a higher value than they do. If the prospective date/hookup is overly responsive it can make the person question why the would behave in such a way and they tend to assign that person a value that is equal or less than their own.

    So if john feels he is a seven and he meets a guy who is a ten, and that guy doesn't care for him....in john's mind that makes sense because the guy should only want to interact with another ten. So at the end of the interaction, john still views the guy as a ten

    If John meets a guy who is a ten who seems very interested in him, he thinks "well if this guy is so interested in me, he must not be a ten because i am a seven" and so john will now see the guy as a seven or below a seven.

    But John may be a ten to someone, and just not know it.
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    Sep 04, 2011 5:48 PM GMT
    dekiruman saidSelf Esteem issue.

    Everyone ascribes a certain value to his or herself. When they seek out other people, they have expectations of how those people will react to them based on that value. They are attracted to people who are nonchalant about them because it makes them feel as though they are interacting with someone who believes that he or she has a higher value than they do. If the prospective date/hookup is overly responsive it can make the person question why the would behave in such a way and they tend to assign that person a value that is equal or less than their own.

    So if john feels he is a seven and he meets a guy who is a ten, and that guy doesn't care for him....in john's mind that makes sense because the guy should only want to interact with another ten. So at the end of the interaction, john still views the guy as a ten

    If John meets a guy who is a ten who seems very interested in him, he thinks "well if this guy is so interested in me, he must not be a ten because i am a seven" and so john will now see the guy as a seven or below a seven.

    But John may be a ten to someone, and just not know it.

    Wow this post truly blows my mind away. You are so smart Wes. icon_biggrin.gif I agree!
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    Sep 04, 2011 5:52 PM GMT
    Using those terms of being "sexy" etc etc isn't really game. Now if he said he lets hang out... you guys went out, enjoyed the night, maybe went on a walk to talk some more, sat down for a bit made out, making you want more and he brought you home... well now thats sexy.... because obviously he doesn't see you as just something he is going to have then toss when he is finished. I can see someone using the word sexy with a boyfriend/girlfriend because of what it implies. He knows nothing about you and seems to be making a huge assumption that your SUPER into him. but I don't know. I started reading this book. "In the Mean Time" and its amazing. Talks about all the fucked up shit that happens. Talks about other peoples experiences, and our expectations of what we think love is going to look like, act like, be like, etc etc. Its quite humorous, and gets down into the nitty gritty. I like it. icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 04, 2011 5:56 PM GMT
    dekiruman saidSelf Esteem issue.

    Everyone ascribes a certain value to his or herself. When they seek out other people, they have expectations of how those people will react to them based on that value. They are attracted to people who are nonchalant about them because it makes them feel as though they are interacting with someone who believes that he or she has a higher value than they do. If the prospective date/hookup is overly responsive it can make the person question why the would behave in such a way and they tend to assign that person a value that is equal or less than their own.

    So if john feels he is a seven and he meets a guy who is a ten, and that guy doesn't care for him....in john's mind that makes sense because the guy should only want to interact with another ten. So at the end of the interaction, john still views the guy as a ten

    If John meets a guy who is a ten who seems very interested in him, he thinks "well if this guy is so interested in me, he must not be a ten because i am a seven" and so john will now see the guy as a seven or below a seven.

    But John may be a ten to someone, and just not know it.


    Damn good answer man. Spot on.
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    Sep 04, 2011 6:00 PM GMT
    Jcaliguy saidUsing those terms of being "sexy" etc etc isn't really game. Now if he said he lets hang out... you guys went out, enjoyed the night, maybe went on a walk to talk some more, sat down for a bit made out, making you want more and he brought you home... well now thats sexy.... because obviously he doesn't see you as just something he is going to have then toss when he is finished. I can see someone using the word sexy with a boyfriend/girlfriend because of what it implies. He knows nothing about you and seems to be making a huge assumption that your SUPER into him. but I don't know. I started reading this book. "In the Mean Time" and its amazing. Talks about all the fucked up shit that happens. Talks about other peoples experiences, and our expectations of what we think love is going to look like, act like, be like, etc etc. Its quite humorous, and gets down into the nitty gritty. I like it. icon_smile.gif


    How did it go from a question of "why guys pull away when you show interest" to the "book that you're reading"?
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    Sep 04, 2011 6:06 PM GMT
    I call it "Wuthering Heights syndrome" and it's annoying. Many people -- not just gay guys -- always want what they cannot have and cannot be satisfied with what they do have, even if what they do have is perfectly sufficient.

    It's weird how attractive I become to some guys (and girls) once I give up and start ignoring them. When I'm interested they aren't, but once their disinterest causes me to be disinterested, then they come crawling back. Immature and annoying.

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    Sep 04, 2011 6:08 PM GMT
    dekiruman saidSelf Esteem issue.

    Everyone ascribes a certain value to his or herself. When they seek out other people, they have expectations of how those people will react to them based on that value. They are attracted to people who are nonchalant about them because it makes them feel as though they are interacting with someone who believes that he or she has a higher value than they do. If the prospective date/hookup is overly responsive it can make the person question why the would behave in such a way and they tend to assign that person a value that is equal or less than their own.

    So if john feels he is a seven and he meets a guy who is a ten, and that guy doesn't care for him....in john's mind that makes sense because the guy should only want to interact with another ten. So at the end of the interaction, john still views the guy as a ten

    If John meets a guy who is a ten who seems very interested in him, he thinks "well if this guy is so interested in me, he must not be a ten because i am a seven" and so john will now see the guy as a seven or below a seven.

    But John may be a ten to someone, and just not know it.


    This.
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    Sep 04, 2011 6:10 PM GMT
    running12 saidI call it "Wuthering Heights syndrome" and it's annoying. Many people -- not just gay guys -- always want what they cannot have and cannot be satisfied with what they do have, even if what they do have is perfectly sufficient.

    It's weird how attractive I become to some guys (and girls) once I give up and start ignoring them. When I'm interested they aren't, but once their disinterest causes me to be disinterested, then they come crawling back.



    That
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    Sep 04, 2011 6:13 PM GMT
    Wow I had no idea that this is such a common theme among the dating pool. And I thought I was the only one who is like that, and I was going all cray-cray about it.

    Good to know. icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 04, 2011 6:28 PM GMT
    dekiruman saidSelf Esteem issue.

    Everyone ascribes a certain value to his or herself. When they seek out other people, they have expectations of how those people will react to them based on that value. They are attracted to people who are nonchalant about them because it makes them feel as though they are interacting with someone who believes that he or she has a higher value than they do. If the prospective date/hookup is overly responsive it can make the person question why the would behave in such a way and they tend to assign that person a value that is equal or less than their own.

    So if john feels he is a seven and he meets a guy who is a ten, and that guy doesn't care for him....in john's mind that makes sense because the guy should only want to interact with another ten. So at the end of the interaction, john still views the guy as a ten

    If John meets a guy who is a ten who seems very interested in him, he thinks "well if this guy is so interested in me, he must not be a ten because i am a seven" and so john will now see the guy as a seven or below a seven.

    But John may be a ten to someone, and just not know it.




    Exactly... Hmm you're somewhat smarter than I had initially pegged-you...


    Backhanded compliments like that above ^ often work to seduce hot ppl with subconscious self-esteem issues but who consciously believe they are god's gift.

    Lostboy tries that trick a lot on this site - although my self-esteem, for example, is genuinely pretty damn high - but I'm sure it otherwise works like a charm!...




    (lol don't get mad losty ;)
  • offshore

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    Sep 04, 2011 9:30 PM GMT
    if I get a back hand compliment like that I would reply in sarcasm then leave.
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    Sep 04, 2011 9:35 PM GMT
    The guy I talked with on grindr gave me sincere compliments. He didn't give me backhanded compliments. Where did you guys get that impression?!

    He said that I was very sexy after seeing my face + body shots. I don't see how that is "backhanded" compliments.

    Do you guys know how to read??
  • offshore

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    Sep 04, 2011 9:44 PM GMT
    Actually. I don't think you got what Sage is trying to say.
    He is indicating *If* the guy had made a back handed compliment. You might have stayed hooked.

    BTW you don't have a 'str8' guy fascination do you? Ie you want your date/hookup/partner to be a total (crude?) Man guy that wont even think about use terms like sexy. When you have sex, its not 'sex' but just 2 'bros' messing around in a total str8 non gay way?

    I have know a couple ppl like that. Identity issues.
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    Sep 04, 2011 9:46 PM GMT
    waimea saidThe guy I talked with on grindr gave me sincere compliments. He didn't give me backhanded compliments. Where did you guys get that impression?!

    He said that I was very sexy after seeing my face + body shots. I don't see how that is "backhanded" compliments.

    Do you guys know how to read??


    If you're referring to ME, then clearly it's you with the reading comprehension disability. I didn't imply your Grindr trick was using back-handed compliments, I merely added onto the self-esteem comment, a general statement, as the two occurrences are related when it comes to this particular psychological seduction manipulation.

    That is all.


    Bloop Bloop!

    tumblr_lgojsw3TFz1qcxeggo1_400.gif
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    Sep 04, 2011 9:49 PM GMT
    offshore saidActually. I don't think you got what Sage is trying to say.
    He is indicating *If* the guy had made a back handed compliment. You might have stayed hooked.

    BTW you don't have a 'str8' guy fascination do you? Ie you want your date/hookup/partner to be a total (crude?) Man guy that wont even think about use terms like sexy. When you have sex, its not 'sex' but just 2 'bros' messing around in a total str8 non gay way?

    I have know a couple ppl like that. Identity issues.


    Not all bromosexuals have identity issues...depends.
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    Sep 04, 2011 9:49 PM GMT
    _SAGE_ said
    waimea saidThe guy I talked with on grindr gave me sincere compliments. He didn't give me backhanded compliments. Where did you guys get that impression?!

    He said that I was very sexy after seeing my face + body shots. I don't see how that is "backhanded" compliments.

    Do you guys know how to read??


    If you're referring to ME, then clearly it's you with the reading comprehension disability. I didn't imply your Grindr trick was using back-handed compliments, I merely added onto the self-esteem comment, a general statement, as the two occurrences are related when it comes to this particular psychological seduction manipulation.

    That is all.


    Bloop Bloop!

    tumblr_lgojsw3TFz1qcxeggo1_400.gif

    HA! I have no reading deficiency. It's more like you have a writing deficiency. How come I understood perfectly what dekiruman wrote but somehow distorted what you were trying to say??
  • offshore

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    Sep 04, 2011 9:56 PM GMT
    agri_sci said
    offshore saidActually. I don't think you got what Sage is trying to say.
    He is indicating *If* the guy had made a back handed compliment. You might have stayed hooked.

    BTW you don't have a 'str8' guy fascination do you? Ie you want your date/hookup/partner to be a total (crude?) Man guy that wont even think about use terms like sexy. When you have sex, its not 'sex' but just 2 'bros' messing around in a total str8 non gay way?

    I have know a couple ppl like that. Identity issues.


    Not all bromosexuals have identity issues...depends.


    Maybe. I don't know enough of them. I'll make a correction and say the 2 I know had Id issues. Can you tell me more about other types of bromosexuals?