If I didn't write you, would I ever hear from you again?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 04, 2011 8:00 PM GMT

    With guys I get along with online, it always ends up being me keeping the dialogue/friendship alive, and if I stop, that's the end of it.

    This isn't a "why me?" topic, I already know I have ISSUES.. from way back. I'm interested in what everyone else's experiences are. Are you always the one keeping the ball in the air or do you let others come to you? Or a mix of both?
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    Sep 04, 2011 8:18 PM GMT
    It depends on the person.

    Some people I will always be willing to make the first move to send a "Long time no talk, how are you?" sort of message. People do get busy with things and sometimes just need a gentle jab to realize you have not caught up in a while. In my experience at least it doesn't make you look weak just to say hi again - especially if there have been some changes in your life you want to update them on.

    The "acquaintances" and random people I have worked with over the years and the "we were at the same party" kind of facebook friends from college as well as the internet pen-pals I collect all over the French-speaking world, most of them have to undertake some kind of initiative to keep things going. I will never unfriend them on facebook or anything like that, it is just their responsibility to re-initiate some kind of contact, since likely I had sent a message that had never been responded to. If they want to chat I am all for it, otherwise I will focus my time on my inner circle of friends and the boyfriend.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Sep 04, 2011 9:25 PM GMT
    A mix of both. Some I connect with everyday, some once a week, some once a month. I always try to answer my messages asap. icon_wink.gif
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    Sep 04, 2011 10:13 PM GMT
    I've noticed a kind of rhythm to how long conversations last. Usually a week at most. A few guys will stick around longer, but it's rare. Some guys disappear for awhile, then return for a brief rehash.

    There's an excitement that comes when you first "click" with a guy. That fades over time. There've been many guys who I'd like to continue chatting with but it's rare that I'll try to keep the conversation going if he hasn't respond to my last email.

    Perhaps it's not such a bad thing that you're the one keeping things going. Some people are just better at initiating and maintaining conversation. Most guys aren't, I'd say.
  • commoncoll

    Posts: 1222

    Sep 04, 2011 10:18 PM GMT
    I want to know how you did serif text.
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    Sep 04, 2011 10:31 PM GMT
    Green text? Oh, honey..

    tumblr_lkkqgplWB71qbs5kvo1_r1_500.gif
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    Sep 04, 2011 10:44 PM GMT
    Ariodante saidGreen text? Oh, honey..

    DARK green text, silly bitch. *scrunches those obscenely hanging nuts*
    Black and white same font always gets boring. Have some fun (tastefully).

    I didn't use serif, I used Bookman Old Style!

    I do think it's a good thing to keep things going since it can be a chore. Not to the point where you're bothering the other person. I wish there was a polite meme to say "talking with you isn't meeting my entertainment threshhold so now let's stop".

    75% sounds more than fair, but stopping could end things only because the other person is expecting you to propel the chat, not because they don't want to keep talking.
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    Sep 04, 2011 10:47 PM GMT
    SkinnyBitch said*scrunches those obscenely hanging nuts*


    ow...be gentle icon_redface.gif
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    Sep 06, 2011 3:39 AM GMT
    Yeah, but there comes a point where you've reached what's fair and you have the choice: no one to talk to vs carry the friendship.

    I was hoping more people would respond with what role they normally play. Maybe it's safe to assume that the ones that don't reply are the ones that would say "I never need to initiate, I have tons of people competing for my attention and so I let them do all the work". Of course not many people would post that. Still I wanted to see how normal or freakish I am compared to the rest.
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    Sep 06, 2011 3:41 AM GMT
    im usually the one who initiates and keeps contact rolling... if I stop, it stops...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 06, 2011 3:44 AM GMT
    Oh I'm so sorry B. I thought you were busy or away. I'll try to keep a much closer contact with you from now on. OK Babe icon_biggrin.gif
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    Sep 06, 2011 6:08 AM GMT
    I never really know when a guy wants to maintain contact. If I'm the only one asking questions or bringing up topics for discussion, then I generally take that as a hint that things have gone stale.

    I chat/IM way more with people from other forums, than I do with anyone here. Not really sure why that it is. Does me breath stank or somethin? icon_lol.gificon_confused.gif

    And here is a little more random fancy text stuff that really shouldn't be allowed in the forums, along with iframes.

    The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
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    Sep 07, 2011 2:17 AM GMT
    FastlaneKid saidOh I'm so sorry B. I thought you were busy or away. I'll try to keep a much closer contact with you from now on. OK Babe icon_biggrin.gif


    It wasn't directed at you or anyone in particular. I thought it all up in the bath the other day as my mood and the water temperature got LOW. Sadness and self-doubt ensues.

    I like the blue words. The blinky didn't work tho.
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    Sep 07, 2011 2:20 AM GMT

    After reading this thread, I did some thinking about my Buddy List. As a result, there are 15 less than I had two days ago.
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    Sep 07, 2011 2:31 AM GMT
    It's a mix for me. I try and always respond to messages but I'm not so good about initiating contact. Usually, though, if I haven't heard from a buddy I've communicated with fairly regularly for a couple weeks or so, I'll send a message to see if he's doing ok.
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    Sep 07, 2011 2:32 AM GMT
    So I will say that if you can surf the mood waves of the average gay guy, you can move mountains. Sometimes, the guy who emails every so often (as in not every day/week) and who remembers little facts about you months later (like your favorite football team) are guys who build credibility. I have a default lack of trust of most guys I meet online. Email me every week, it feels like you aren't following my cues. Email me every month saying "just checking in on you" when you know nothing about me, still feels like you have a crush on me and are looking for a way in. Email me randomly, every few months, just to shoot the shit, remembering relevant non-sexual facts - you build up credibility. I'm in that situation now.

    A guy I met 4 years ago, was too young/immature for me then but he kept in contact over the years (1 year = 1 decade in gay) and we are friends now. Not once did he say "I feel like I'm the only one emailing you" or "I don't know why I'm emailing you since you never email me back".... He was just faithful and without a visible agenda.

    Most gay guys have trust issues as do most straight guys. Fuck a guy, fuck friendship. Build trust. Build friendship.
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    Sep 07, 2011 2:33 AM GMT
    Actually, this makes me think of a few guys I should take the initiative to say HELLO to and see what they've been up to.
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    Sep 07, 2011 2:37 AM GMT
    In real life, I often feel like I've got to carry the friendship. . . otherwise, things tend to fritter away. It's frustrating.
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    Sep 07, 2011 2:53 AM GMT
    Brownale said Email me every week, it feels like you aren't following my cues. Email me every month saying "just checking in on you" when you know nothing about me, still feels like you have a crush on me and are looking for a way in. Email me randomly, every few months, just to shoot the shit, remembering relevant non-sexual facts - you build up credibility. I'm in that situation now.


    So a person who emails you more than once every few months is written off? Do you ever initiate and try to read the other guy's mind for crazy rules? Or just expect them to go through that for you?
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    Sep 07, 2011 3:03 AM GMT
    icon_confused.gif I wouldn't pay too much attention to those guys who don't write you back for too long. What I usually do if the guy doesn't write me back is I would wait for a month or so, and send another mail (because despite being RJer, we all still have a life outside of RJ). And if he doesn't write back after that (after reading it), then just send him to the island of lost men and move on with your life. You have bigger fishes to fry (I hope). icon_smile.gif

    I do want to make one distinction though, and that is: you don't need to talk to a fellow RJer like, every single day, or even like every week, and I'll tell you why not:

    1) You'll be too emotionally invested and attached, which is a horrible idea. You're setting yourself up for potential heartaches. Why do that to yourself?

    2) You want to pace your online "friendship" so you don't actually run out of stuff to talk about. Slow and steady is the key. Most of the guys that I still talk to on regular basis, I normally receive 1-2 mails (pretty long ones) per 1-2 weeks. And this is different from the initial 5~10 mails per day during the first week or so. That's the "honeymoon" period, and it's perfectly normal for the rate to go down after that. Hopefully you have already gotten to know this guy in a pretty substantial way. So in the future when you check in, you'll be able to carry the conversation for like another several exchanges back and forth.

    *disclaimer: this obviously differ from person to person. There are several members on RJ who prefers IM-ish style of conversing, and that's ok. I usually tend to go long since I am a chatterbox.

    3) Now, if you do have a secret crush on this guy (I'm not saying you are, I'm just bringing this up for RJ general audience who actually read my posts), my suggestion is to treat him as a friend as you normally would. Don't pay too much attention and get your head all wrapped up in a fantasy, because after all, it is the internet and you really shouldn't take this stuff too seriously. Especially gay internet, where practically every single guy on RJ has GayDHD.

    Hope this is helpful icon_biggrin.gif
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    Sep 07, 2011 3:10 AM GMT
    Cityaznguy said just send him the island of lost men>
    I live there.. lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 07, 2011 3:18 AM GMT
    It's a definite mix for me. There are some guys I think have completely forgotten about me, then I message them and get a very enthusiastic response. Other guys that I'm sure think I'm awesome never message me. Then I have the guys that message me every day and it kind of freaks me out and makes me pull away. So yeah.....it's all over the place!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 07, 2011 3:23 AM GMT
    it takes two to carry on an online conversation
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    Sep 07, 2011 3:28 AM GMT
    Trollileo said
    Scruffypup saidIt's a definite mix for me. There are some guys I think have completely forgotten about me, then I message them and get a very enthusiastic response. Other guys that I'm sure think I'm awesome never message me. Then I have the guys that message me every day and it kind of freaks me out and makes me pull away. So yeah.....it's all over the place!
    At least you have people who think you're awesome.



    You only read part of my sentence. It's the ones I believe think I'm awesome that never write!
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    Sep 07, 2011 3:29 AM GMT
    GreenHopper said
    Cityaznguy said just send him the island of lost men
    I live there.. lol

    And I would come find and rescue you in a loveboat if you just tell me where it is. icon_wink.gif or at least send me a GPS.