Fun Time: Figure out what is wrong with me....

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  Sep 05, 2011 9:18 PM GMT

  This is more an observation on gay social culture than me being emo. Its just sort of a conundrum to me. But since all of you only know me online. And many of you probably have no idea who I am because I am somewhat new, you will have the least knowledge to answer this question. So, it can just be for fun.
  
  So....I am social in the sense I like to go out. I like to meet people. Not looking to get laid or anything. Just being social.
  
  Up until the last few years, I would have no problem meeting people out and about. Granted, I am not type A and am not proactive. And I am ok with that. I can go out and not talk to a soul and be totally fine. I like to people watch, listen to music, etc. The conundrum is that no one ever comes up to me. Not so long ago, I could go out and meet people easily. I would even come home and find a phone number stuffed in my pocket sometimes!
  
  Fast forward to about two years ago...In most cases...no one ever talks to me. Even in situations where it would be more natural. I get in a bar there may not be someone there who is looking to chat. But I have been in situations where zero people have talked to me. A few examples. I went on a gay cruise. 3,000 homos on a boat for 7 days. No one even said Hi. A week in Cancun on an Atlantis vacation. One super fat dude chatted with me but he was looking to get laid. Last night, I went to a circuit party. Hundreds of sweaty men all on extacy. No one even touched me. NOT EVEN THE CRACKED OUT ASIANS. And they LOVE older white guys like me. I have gone to a few sex parties, like one last saturday. (I dont participate. Just observe. Everyone barebacks and it weirds me out). Went out in weho in the early part of last night. The only guy to hit on me was a drunk 21 year old who was WITH HIS WIFE!. She didnt know he liked guys. When she asked him why he was rubbing my back under my shirt his replay was "Oh, I have always been curious and slept with a guy before". I would love to be in their house this morning.
  
  I thought it might be that I was a bit chubby. So I hit the gym beginning last december. Dropped 20 lbs and put on at least SOME muscle...as undefined as it is. (I didnt join the gym to get people to talk to me. I was really unhappy with how I looked. The body is just for me)
  
  I get hit up on grindr and scruff all the time with thinks like 'you're cute" or "you're hot". However, this doesnt translate to real life. I dont think I am stand offish. And I certainly dont have looks that would intimidate anyone. I am nice, really funny (I actually did stand up for a while when I was kid), have a great job and a baller car. Just weird that even in situations where people are half naked.
  
  So, since none of you ever met me and dont know me....figure it out!

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  Sep 05, 2011 9:23 PM GMT

  Christ on cracker. That was way longer than I thought it would be. My apologies to the hung over guys trying to read that.

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• commoncoll
  
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  Sep 05, 2011 9:32 PM GMT

  Perhaps it is time to reevaluate your decision to only let other people come to you.

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• Timbales
  
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  Sep 05, 2011 9:34 PM GMT

  Maybe you put out a "don't talk to me" vibe, I've been told I do.

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  Sep 05, 2011 10:05 PM GMT

  Timbales saidMaybe you put out a "don't talk to me" vibe, I've been told I do.

  
  
  im thinking thats it too. I should ask some of my friends how they would perceive me if they didnt already know me.

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  Sep 05, 2011 10:06 PM GMT

  commoncoll saidPerhaps it is time to reevaluate your decision to only let other people come to you.

  
  
  Like I said. I own that part of it. It was just the sudden drop off in people talking to me. Even if they are drunk, horny or rolling. It was just so sudden.

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  Sep 05, 2011 11:11 PM GMT

  you need to be more conceited , groomed and dressed up the part .
  pack on as much muscle as possible, tan, some botox or restylane or/and sculptra injections ,
  cut fat down to 8% .
  closely cropped and dark coloured hair.
  
  also appear as wealthy as can be.
  
  and there: a gay twink queen magnet.
  
  --
  
  don't believe a word of the above

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  Sep 05, 2011 11:17 PM GMT

  I dont know either, I used to have a similar situations in gay bars.... now I just go and talk to people instead....

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  Sep 05, 2011 11:20 PM GMT

  People tell me that they are intimidated by me until they really get to know me. I'm kind of like you in that I do a good job of socializing, talking to people, working the room. But people don't normally just come up to me and start talking to me.
  
  I wish that I had an answer for you because it might help me too.

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  Sep 05, 2011 11:20 PM GMT

  Oh easy fix!
  
  You
  
  
  
  
  Go
  
  
  
  
  Talk
  
  
  
  TO them!
  
  
  OMG revolutionary I know!
  
  

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  Sep 05, 2011 11:28 PM GMT

  Most people meet people in, well, normal situations; like at a book club or flag football or volunteering.
  I don't think there'd be as much pressure in my opinion. I mean seriously, you could be up making it rain for all I care but if you're that anxious then it's definitely going to mess you up, you know?
  
  Ayyy that's my advice hahah.
  

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  Sep 05, 2011 11:31 PM GMT

  Like others have said, you have to go talk to them.
  
  Most people are either too shy or too cliqueish to reach out. Granted, these same qualities often make it difficult to reach out to them. But it's about the only way.
  
  Also look for other venues to meet people: Sports teams, support groups, volunteerism.
  
  
  
  

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  Sep 05, 2011 11:35 PM GMT

  It's a cliche, but don't worry about looking for Mr. Right--be Mr. Right. And do things for the right reasons. For instance, dropping 20 pounds is probably good for your health, but do it for you, not because of what someone else might think. The rest will sort itself out.

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  Sep 05, 2011 11:36 PM GMT

  LittleDudeWithMuscles saidLike others have said, you have to go talk to them.
  
  Most people are either too shy or too cliqueish to reach out. Granted, these same qualities often make it difficult to reach out to them. But it's about the only way.
  
  Also look for other venues to meet people: Sports teams, support groups, volunteerism.
  

  
  
  Like I said. I get the part that I am not the one who initiates a conversation. It was more about the observation of the sudden drop off in people approaching me. Even in situations where it should happen.
  
  I am going on vacation alone in November to Atlantis Puerta Vaillarta. I am going to be more proactive then. I dont want to talk to myself the whole time.

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  Sep 05, 2011 11:48 PM GMT

  aww :/ .. welll believe me if i saw u in real life i would stop u and tell u ... u r damn cute and hot ... and might even kiss in public then they kill us later Muahaha

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  Sep 05, 2011 11:51 PM GMT

  Cairo_M saidaww :/ .. welll believe me if i saw u in real life i would stop u and tell u ... u r damn cute and hot ... and might even kiss in public then they kill us later Muahaha

  
  
  <3333

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  Sep 05, 2011 11:57 PM GMT

  Trollileo saidI'm terrified by good looking guys. The idea of trying to approach one in person makes me shit myself (figuratively of course.) I'm sure a lot of people feel they are in my situation.
  
  

  Dallasfan824 said

  Cairo_M saidaww :/ .. welll believe me if i saw u in real life i would stop u and tell u ... u r damn cute and hot ... and might even kiss in public then they kill us later Muahaha

  
  
  <3333

  So bromantic.

  
  
  ftfy

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• MSUBioNerd
  
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  Sep 05, 2011 11:59 PM GMT

  In addition to the very obvious solution of you talking to others rather than waiting for them to talk to you...
  
  None of us know you, so we don't know how you act in real life. Your friends do. Find one or a few who you can trust to be brutally honest with you (assuming you're capable of hearing brutal honesty and not getting angry at the friend for saying it). Ask them how you come across -- both when they first met you, and now. People can come across as stand offish or intimidating for all sorts of reasons. Maybe your default expression looks annoyed, even when you're not annoyed about anything. Maybe you hunch over a little and that comes across as defensive. Maybe you rarely smile unless you're consciously thinking about it, even if you're in a good mood.
  
  But, seriously, take the initiative. You may be uncomfortable initiating the conversation. So are lots of other people. If you're the one who starts the conversation, and it doesn't go well, there's a whole set of other possibilities...but it could easily be that there would be plenty of guys interested in you if you showed interest in them, but unwilling to make the first move themselves.

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  Sep 05, 2011 11:59 PM GMT

  Maybe you've become so attractive to others that it now intimidates them to approach you. Guess you better start being the aggressor.

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  Sep 06, 2011 12:00 AM GMT

  wrestlervic saidMaybe you've become so attractive to others that it now intimidates them to approach you. Guess you better start being the aggressor.

  
  
  thats soo true ... i would say stop being so shy and go talk to ppl ! .. let me be the 1st please

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  Sep 06, 2011 12:03 AM GMT

  Well, if you're not talking to someone I guess they won't find out that you're a nice guy with a sense of humour, good job and nice car. My guess is that most gay guys size up someone in 3 seconds flat and maybe they think youre too old for them (40 seems to be ancient in gay years; I should know
  Talk to people and things will probably lighten up. Most people are pretty nice and will give you a fair shake once they know a bit about you.

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  Sep 06, 2011 12:09 AM GMT

  I think I'm about the least intimidating person I could imagine, but I've had more than one person tell me (after they got to know me) that they would have never tried to go up and start conversation with me. Why?
  
  And I never used to feel very comfortable starting conversation with people either. But at some point I outgrew the shyness of my younger days, found I really enjoyed meeting and talking with people of all kinds (even if there was no sexual interest) and realized how many great conversations, memories, and friends I've made due to striking up conversation with a stranger.
  
  Give it a try. All they can do is brush you off, in which case you move on and talk to someone else.

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  Sep 06, 2011 12:09 AM GMT

  Dallasfan824 saidLike I said. I get the part that I am not the one who initiates a conversation. It was more about the observation of the sudden drop off in people approaching me. Even in situations where it should happen.

  
  What you have always done is no longer working.
  
  

  Dallasfan824 saidI am going on vacation alone in November to Atlantis Puerta Vaillarta. I am going to be more proactive then. I dont want to talk to myself the whole time.

  
  Here's hoping you do it rather then spend time thinking about it or "accepting" that you don't do that.

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  Sep 06, 2011 12:13 AM GMT

  Look at where you went.
  You're at a sex party, so I'd assume that most people there came for the sex. If they wanted chitchat they would have gone to a cocktail party.
  
  Drugged up circuit boys are pretty friendly, but you usually need to initiate the conversation.
  
  The gay cruise, I'm guessing, is part sex party and part circuit party. The guys who only want sex don't want to waste their time chatting with someone who's not going to be with them. The guys doing the party drugs could be friendly, but they're high. You need to go up to them to get the conversation started.
  You're more likely to make friends doing some of the ship activities. Join in on some of the games or take a class.

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  Sep 06, 2011 12:19 AM GMT

  wrestlervic saidMaybe you've become so attractive to others that it now intimidates them to approach you. Guess you better start being the aggressor.

  
  
  
  He's onto something here, Dallasfan.

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