Am I too nice??

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 05, 2011 11:32 PM GMT
    Okay, so I rarely meet anyone who is sexually attractive to me who is sexually ATTRACTED to me in person. The guys I am interested in INVARIABLY end up thinking of me as a great guy and they want me to help them with their training or their diet or something, but they rarely consider me as a sexual partner.

    There is obviously something in my make up that is shooting me in the foot. It isn't a lack of confidence; I am very confient and I will tlak with anyone and I will usually get to know everyone in a bar before the night is out.

    Could I be TOO nice? What is it that would make a man like me who makes friends so easily into an asexual being that is rarely considered a sexual partner?

    I am not a pathetic mess, but this is really bothering me. I am missing some nuance and I dont know what it is.
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    Sep 06, 2011 12:41 AM GMT
    Sometimes I think everyone should have a coach for their personal lives.
    The coach could secretly record you. Then you'd review the video (think game footage) and study what you did that kept you from your goals.

    Is there something that you could do that would get the guys you like to be attracted to you as well? Maybe.
    There are just too many variables for me to give you a solid answer.

    Maybe because you're being nice, the guys you like don't consider you a potential sexual partner. They might just put you in the friend column because they don't see you behaving in a way that gets them sexually aroused.
  • sonnet129

    Posts: 116

    Sep 06, 2011 12:46 AM GMT
    Alpha_Muscle saidOkay, so I rarely meet anyone who is sexually attractive to me who is sexually ATTRACTED to me in person. The guys I am interested in INVARIABLY end up thinking of me as a great guy and they want me to help them with their training or their diet or something, but they rarely consider me as a sexual partner.

    There is obviously something in my make up that is shooting me in the foot. It isn't a lack of confidence; I am very confient and I will tlak with anyone and I will usually get to know everyone in a bar before the night is out.

    Could I be TOO nice? What is it that would make a man like me who makes friends so easily into an asexual being that is rarely considered a sexual partner?

    I am not a pathetic mess, but this is really bothering me. I am missing some nuance and I dont know what it is.


    From your pics and profile you look and seem very attractive and put together. Maybe you intimidate them by being, sorry to say this, too perfect. Maybe you seem totally out of their league. Just my thoughts.
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    Sep 06, 2011 1:07 AM GMT
    Ermine saidSometimes I think everyone should have a coach for their personal lives.
    The coach could secretly record you. Then you'd review the video (think game footage) and study what you did that kept you from your goals.

    Is there something that you could do that would get the guys you like to be attracted to you as well? Maybe.
    There are just too many variables for me to give you a solid answer.

    Maybe because you're being nice, the guys you like don't consider you a potential sexual partner. They might just put you in the friend column because they don't see you behaving in a way that gets them sexually aroused.


    My friends seem to believe this is the case. It is very frustrating to me.

    And while I love your idea, there are no coaches who can help like you suggest. How do I know if this is going on? What are some exercises I could do to test this out? I dont want to be spending a lifetime alone... I want the dream. The guy who challenges me and with whom I have chemistry physically, mentally, emotionally.

    Do you see my dilemma?
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    Sep 06, 2011 1:29 AM GMT
    Flirt with those guys that you have an interest in. Direct it and make that develop into the deeper interaction with them (the "dream" you want). Becoming pals with everyone at the bar (your example) can easily be interpreted as spreading yourself out but not taking an actual genuine interest. It's real nice and social, but isn't directed towards the relationship you say you want.
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    Sep 06, 2011 1:40 AM GMT
    I know it doesn't really exist, but I think it would help.

    People are generally oblivious about how they act. I remember years ago (my undergrad years) a friend told me that she saw me walking across campus but because I had headphones, sunglasses on, and looked pissed off so she didn't stop to say hi. Apparently my expression looked threatening, but I had no idea and I certainly wasn't trying to scare anyone off.
    It took an outside observer to tell me that what I was doing was driving people away.

    You could enlist some friends to observe how you behave around guys you find attractive. Maybe they can see something you're doing that keeps the guys you like from being attracted to you.

    Look, you have a really nice body and you probably know that some guys might think it's a bit intimidating.
    Maybe you play up the nice guy thing to seem more approachable, but it's not working. There's a certain playfulness in flirting that might make you more attractive to the guys you like.
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    Sep 06, 2011 1:55 AM GMT
    Alpha_Muscle saidOkay, so I rarely meet anyone who is sexually attractive to me who is sexually ATTRACTED to me in person. The guys I am interested in INVARIABLY end up thinking of me as a great guy and they want me to help them with their training or their diet or something, but they rarely consider me as a sexual partner.

    There is obviously something in my make up that is shooting me in the foot. It isn't a lack of confidence; I am very confient and I will tlak with anyone and I will usually get to know everyone in a bar before the night is out.

    Could I be TOO nice? What is it that would make a man like me who makes friends so easily into an asexual being that is rarely considered a sexual partner?

    I am not a pathetic mess, but this is really bothering me. I am missing some nuance and I dont know what it is.


    I think your awesome. icon_smile.gif I'd date you in a heartbeat.

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    Sep 06, 2011 1:56 AM GMT
    Very few men can handle having a trophy boyfriend.
    A cross you'll have to bare.
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    Sep 06, 2011 1:56 AM GMT
    It's all about the flirting! Makes all the difference I bet!
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    Sep 06, 2011 1:57 AM GMT
    Alpha .... everyday i wish i find someone as nice as u ...and be as ur self ... fuck others lol ... u can take me to the bar one day also icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 06, 2011 1:58 AM GMT
    I have no idea. You are hot as balls. Maybe you are just talking to people who dont like your type. Your physique could be intimidating. A guy could think "I can never live up to that" or "He wants another body builder"

    But you look like a catch and half.
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    Sep 06, 2011 1:58 AM GMT
    Maybe it's your body language? Sometimes you can have all the confidence you want inside, but if it doesn't translate into the way you act, then it's not being perceived by the person you want to impress.

    I like Ermine said, have a buddy record you the way you interact with another person, and coach you on it. You need the "pickup artist" but the gay version. icon_wink.gif

    Your look's total badass though. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Sep 06, 2011 2:00 AM GMT
    Alpha_Muscle saidOkay, so I rarely meet anyone who is sexually attractive to me who is sexually ATTRACTED to me in person. The guys I am interested in INVARIABLY end up thinking of me as a great guy and they want me to help them with their training or their diet or something, but they rarely consider me as a sexual partner.

    There is obviously something in my make up that is shooting me in the foot. It isn't a lack of confidence; I am very confient and I will tlak with anyone and I will usually get to know everyone in a bar before the night is out.

    Could I be TOO nice? What is it that would make a man like me who makes friends so easily into an asexual being that is rarely considered a sexual partner?

    I am not a pathetic mess, but this is really bothering me. I am missing some nuance and I dont know what it is.


    Sorry. Can't feel sorry for you. It's your own fault for not coming down to Miami Beach and meeting me. icon_biggrin.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 06, 2011 2:19 AM GMT
    I think you're great, you've always been very nice to me and you certainly look hot by your profile and pics.

    Perhaps its all about initiative. If you see a guy you are really interested in, do you take the initiative and make advances (for all practical purposes) or do you allow the agenda to be set by circumstances?

    I make the agenda...and don't leave anything to chance. I suggest you adopt that approach. If the guy isn't interested in you, thats certainly one thing (we all respect).. but take control and make it happen!

    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Sep 06, 2011 2:35 AM GMT
    If you want to practice flirting, I am available anytime icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 06, 2011 2:39 AM GMT
    Thank you for all of the kind comments... I really love this site.

    Maybe I just dont know how to flirt. I am sort of scared to flirt with guys, especially younger guys, because I am almost 46 years old. I dont want to come across as an oversexed troll. I dont want to be desperate and aggressive..... when YOUNG hot guys are aggressive, it is hot. Older guys do that and it is NOT hot... it falls flat. I dont want to creep anyone out.

    HndsmKansan, how do you do it? You are around my age and you are smoking hot. How do you "set the agenda"... something I admit I do not do. How do you keep it from being weird and creepy and being just hot, playful and sexy?

    I need a tutor... or a "how-to" DVD. icon_sad.gif
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    Sep 06, 2011 2:44 AM GMT
    BuddyinNYC saidFlirt with those guys that you have an interest in. Direct it and make that develop into the deeper interaction with them (the "dream" you want). Becoming pals with everyone at the bar (your example) can easily be interpreted as spreading yourself out but not taking an actual genuine interest. It's real nice and social, but isn't directed towards the relationship you say you want.


    I agree.

    You should show vested interest in the one that has captivated you. There is nothing wrong with being social, but if you do not focus on the guy you are after, he will slip through your fingers.

    If a connection does develop, you should nurture it and see where it takes you both.
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    Sep 06, 2011 2:55 AM GMT
    Alpha_Muscle said

    Dallasfan, how do you do it? You are around my age and you are smoking hot.
    >


    edited so I can go to sleep with something good to dream about.
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    Sep 06, 2011 2:56 AM GMT
    11337S,

    I have to admit I laughed out loud at the "bend and snap" comment!! hahaha...

    the other one was a fail, but that was funny!
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    Sep 06, 2011 2:57 AM GMT
    People often tell me, "Before I met you I always thought you looked stuck up." Never was much of a t-shirt and jeans guy--I always made it a point to dress nicely when I went out. Perhaps I DID appear stuck-up (whick shocks me because I lived in LA which has a bad undeserved rep for snobbery)... who knows. But I think that guys are intimidated by a guy like yourself--great face and body. Don't spread yourself too thin, and it's true that you always find the right one when you are least looking for it.
    Guys must be able to smell that sense I suppose!
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    Sep 06, 2011 2:59 AM GMT
    Dallasfan824 said
    Alpha_Muscle said

    Dallasfan, how do you do it? You are around my age and you are smoking hot.
    >


    edited so I can go to sleep with something good to dream about.


    Good night, buddy... I am going to bed as well.

    Thanks everyone... Lets pick it up in the morning and we can have a flirt training taught by Ermine, Dallasfan and HndsmKansan.

    You guys are awesome! Even you, 11337S.

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    Sep 06, 2011 3:03 AM GMT
    "Okay, so I rarely meet anyone who is sexually attractive to me who is sexually ATTRACTED to me in person"

    You may think this but I'd bet dollars to donuts it isn't true at all. I'd be more apt to bet that those guys are either somewhat shy or intimidated or a combination of both. Maybe they're like many guys who fear being rejected and part of it may be that without knowing it you are one of those people who looks unapproachable, or stand-offish when the truth is you are not at all and you are in reality a really great guy or sweetheart.
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    Sep 06, 2011 3:06 AM GMT
    beneful1 said"Okay, so I rarely meet anyone who is sexually attractive to me who is sexually ATTRACTED to me in person"

    You may think this but I'd bet dollars to donuts it isn't true at all. I'd be more apt to bet that those guys are either somewhat shy or intimidated or a combination of both. Maybe they're like many guys who fear being rejected and part of it may be that without knowing it you are one of those people who looks unapproachable, or stand-offish when the truth is you are not at all and you are in reality a really great guy or sweetheart.


    I agree, I have a feeling that it's an intimidation of some sorts.
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    Sep 06, 2011 3:07 AM GMT
    Alpha_Muscle said
    Dallasfan824 said
    Alpha_Muscle said

    Dallasfan, how do you do it? You are around my age and you are smoking hot.
    >


    edited so I can go to sleep with something good to dream about.


    Good night, buddy... I am going to bed as well.

    Thanks everyone... Lets pick it up in the morning and we can have a flirt training taught by Ermine, Dallasfan and HndsmKansan.

    You guys are awesome! Even you, 11337S.



    I am no help. I just go to ATM, punch in my password and tell the other person to punch in an amount. Foreplay consists of the ding ding ding the bofa machine makes when it spits my card back.
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    Sep 06, 2011 3:09 AM GMT
    Okay.... while we are at it... I want to throw something else in the mix and I would really like your take on this...

    There is an exception to this dilemma... I have outstanding luck emotionally and physically connecting to European men. For some reason, there is very little of this weirdness/disconnect with them. Especially educated men from Spain and Greece. OH.... and Ireland.

    So, what does THAT mean? (Aside from me updating my passport and taking a vacation to Spain or Greece... )