Do Opposites Attract?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2011 2:04 AM GMT
    So I met this guy at a bar last night.
    Everything was going fine, and then we started talking... Pretty much every topic that came up (I don't even remember how we got into the "heavy" topics when we just met) we were complete opposites-- politics, religion, race, gay rights, the economy etc etc.

    The kicker is that I find that we're such opposites appealing. Really appealing. We started taking more extreme positions on our "debates" just to get a rise from each other. It's a little sick (objectively speaking) that taking extreme points of view is a form of flirting, but it is. And it works on me.
    This isn't the only time I've been attracted (maybe more attracted) to a guy with a very different point of view either.

    Maybe I need a guy who can challenge me. Being with a guy who is too similar is just not as appealing.

    Can a relationship work with your opposite?
    At some point do you get sick of having the same discussion?
    Do you just stop talking about things that will start an argument?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2011 2:05 AM GMT
    Opposites can compliment each other. Yes, they can attract.

    fBut I think that similarity is what people look for more often.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2011 2:12 AM GMT
    Here is my thing- if we have the same values and morals and outlook on life then hobbies are pretty secondary. Politics I can handle. I can date someone with a different religion (unless I frame my mind to believe that his religion poses a diametrically opposed value from my own religion). Even then... I may even look past that if I like them enough. Hell, they don't even have to HAVE a religion. Just be a nice person to me. Don't lie to me, don't cheat me, don't steal from me. Just be kind. Gay rights issues can be different. View on the economy can be different. Just be nice.

    I was in a longer relationship with a guy that was really opposite of me as far as his personality. He was more out-going, out-spoken, socialite. I was more introspective, timid, and kept to myself with an occasional burst of being very social. Our hobbies were very, very different. He didn't like what I did in my spare time. I didn't care for what he did in his spare time.

    We did, however, agree on moral issues and values that were very important to us, which is what made us fall in love. Even after the relationship ended... we're still very good friends. I still have those deep feelings for him, and in the future we may try. We are vastly different though.

    I think it's about appreciating your differences and compromising on areas that are tough to break from. After all, love is given by choice and we have the will to power to believe that someone completely opposite can be a potential mate.


    ...Besides, I really like a change of pace. I'm a boring person. I want a person to make me try different things.

    I guess the thing I'm trying to say is that no matter how different two people may be there are a few guidelines I pose. They have to be intellectually stimulating, emotionally preoccupying, physically attractive, and feasibly mentally stable. LOL I would be a fool to attempt to explain how a guy might do that for me. I'm always taken by surprise.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2011 11:23 AM GMT
    Ultimately, your core values need to be the same. For example, if you hold monogamy as a core value, and he doesn't, or vice-versa, that's probably not going to work.

    I think if it's an "enlightened" opposite, it's fine. Lots of people can argue any position in a debate, whether they believe in it or not and it sounds like you and this guy are amongst those people. But if you're opposite on core issues like money, leisure time, time management, relationship values and action-able values (because really, it probably doesn't make a huge difference if you have opposite stances on the death penalty, unless you're an activist on some level), then the proverbial train is probably going to come off the rails sooner rather than later.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2011 11:36 AM GMT
    all one needs is a good complement. for instance, i'm extremely attracted to extroverts because i know when i go out, they'll bring the conversation to me.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2011 11:43 AM GMT
    While opposites can sometimes attract, they can also repel just as quickly. I think you have to have at least a certain percentage in common, or else your conversations are going to be oh so short.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2011 12:50 PM GMT
    I agree with the others, it's the complement that matters. And core values should be similar. I'm also attracted to guys a bit opposite than me- more outgoing, more emotional, less scheduled.

    Have you ever taken the Myers-Briggs test? If you take it and read about your personality, you can find information online of what types might be good matches for you. It talks about which characteristics are good to have similar and which are different. I'm an INTJ and ENFP is slated to be my "soulmate." Well, wouldn't you know it- I had an intense crush last spring on a man who fit that type. His ambition, energy, and strength of his emotions were magnetic to me. He liked my calm, analytical, organized, witty nature. It worked for good friendship at least!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2011 1:15 PM GMT
    Sure. Why not?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2011 1:18 PM GMT
    Have red several articles on this topic in recent months from respected publishers (NYT, Salon, etc.) and the so-called experts say that opposites make for difficult matches. Happier relationships exist among the similar.

    I am like you. I find myself attracted to opposites. In every case, where it led to relationship, I wish I had taken the time to see if we liked similar activities, and pursued similar lifestyles. It gets old after a while if the two of you can never agree on which movie to see, whether to go camping or stay at the hilton, to eat at the vegetarian restaurant or the prime rib place, and this list gets REALLY LONG.

    I often wonder if my attraction to opposites is so strong because I know that in the end I cannot have them. And you know we want most that which ultimately we cannot have, or that we can only have for a short while.
  • Scorpio1113

    Posts: 90

    Sep 06, 2011 4:13 PM GMT
    My boyfriend and I are completely different, for the most part. When I first met him, he was pretty open in terms of expressing himself. Me? Complete opposite. It really bothered him at first, but now I am pretty open with him. We have two different backgrounds growing up too. But I've calmed him down and he has excited me. So I opposites attract, but there has to be common ground. My guy and I have do have similar core values we can agree on, so that helps. And we aren't different to the point of not being able to communicate
  • dancedancekj

    Posts: 1761

    Sep 06, 2011 4:24 PM GMT
    Depends on what you're opposing I think.

    The fact that both of you were able to articulate your opposing viewpoints and got enjoyment out of a sort of verbal sparring isn't odd at all. You are very similar in that you appear to know why you believe the things you do, and you appear to understand each others' positions on an intellectual level. In that sense, you are similar, despite having opposing views on certain issues.

    Opposites in general do not attract when it comes to larger things, or at least do not lend themselves to good relationships. Large disparity in intelligence, ambition, socioeconomic class, attractiveness - these often are a bit more of a dealbreaker than Republican vs. Democrat, vegan vs. carnivore, Mac vs. PC and so on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2011 8:43 PM GMT
    Thanks for the replies.

    I'd heard the research that couples that are similar have more long-term relationships. I know that intellectually.
    The problem is that my heart wants passion. I can feel the passion when the guy has to defend his position.

    I guess it all comes down to respecting a guy that has a different viewpoint and him doing the same for me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2011 8:46 PM GMT
    I agree with Bryan. My partner and I are quite polarized in our upbringings, opinions on politics, and things of that nature. But our core values (wanting children, monogamy, to live in a certain place, etc.) are the same and that's important for longevity. Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2011 8:52 PM GMT
    Opposites can attract but like all relationships, you need to have an open line of communication and compromises/middle ground. Know what your partners limits can be and be sure he does the same.