I need your imput.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 06, 2011 6:00 AM GMT
    I would be grateful for any input. First, I'm a lurker on this site. I have been reading off & on with interest. Found it when I was trying to get some work out tips. Just registered to get your advise as I am in need of it.

    First, I'm a professional guy who consider myself bi. Im in my late 40s, and never had a lover or even considered it. The person I am about to discuss has never had a lover as well. We both have played around a bit in the past. I am sort of new to the gay scene. I became divorced a few years back, and had decided to remain single and never remarry, at least another woman primarily because I wanted to live my life in truth. By living my life in truth meant that should I felt like entertaining a relationship with a man, I wanted to be free to do so, and have no thoughts of hurting anyway in that process. But post-divorce I sat out with all intentions of remaining single as I am quite busy with work and my business and extracurricular activities such as flying.

    I was going about my new found freedom when an old friend of mine (who describes himself currently as gay. He was once married with 3 kids and is a grandpa, but tells me he knew all along about his true feelings. He is in his late 50s) called up and we chatted for a minute. He suggested we should get together sometime for a drink. Now, I am not a drinker, but I said ok, why not. Well, we eventually met at a decent gay/bar/cabaret kind of place to have a drink, and had a pleasant conversation. I had not seen him in years, and we updated each other on our lives including my divorce. After that meeting, we went our separate ways. When I got home, and I puked my head off. I have low tolerance for alcohol.

    Anyway, that night led to more meetings at the same place and eventually his home, and we discovered we have feelings for each other. Indeed my feelings took me by surprise. I have never in all my life thought of a guy that way, but the more we hung around each other, the more intense the feelings became. After hanging around this guy for a bit, I find myself contemplating the once unthinkable. Having a relationship with him.

    Now, here is where things get a bit sticky, and I don't know how to proceed as I have limited experience with this sort of relationship. There is no doubt that we are in love with each, and given the type of person I am, I like to make decision well informed. Our love making is off the chain. Indeed, I can say with certainty it's the best love making I have experienced man/woman.

    Now, he has a few habits that I am not to fond of and don't care to involve myself with, but I respect his decisions as he is a grown man and I am not going to tell him what do do. I figure it's up to me to accept or keep moving as I don't think people change. They are who they are. And at his age after all he has been tru, I am not about to express any objections. He drinks responsibly. Not excessively. Like two glasses of mixed drinks and he is done. I don't care for it, but just to relax I have shared a drink with him at times. He smokes a blunt. And I have never done any of that sort of thing in my life, and would not do it given the fact that a) I personally have never done it, and b) I have a job of great responsibility, and I am not going to wait until I worked so hard in life to get where I am to mess it up even for love.
    He also has a circle of gay friends whom he has had for years and sometimes go out to dance innocently with them. I have no problem with that as I trust him as he trusts me. I have met some of them, and they are really nice folks. These are people who have been in long-term relationships (greater than 27 years at the lowest) which I think is wonderful. It's a new experience for me, and it's been an interesting steep learning curve.

    At any rate, I know you are probably getting tired of reading and asking, well...what is the problem. Well..I am not sure if this is one, but we spoke tonight via phone and we were talking about the future. I am very independent as is he. We both have our own homes, I tell him all I need from him is his love and his friendship. I do not need anything material as I have greater means. Well, in that conversation, he essentially stated that he a) like being in our committed relationship but he likes living alone because as per him when the other person gets moody he cannot deal with it, and will need his own room. I explained that my mood that he has witnessed is always constant. I am not the argumentative type, and never have been, so I doubt there will some scenario if we were living under the same roof one day int he future that he would need to run off to another room. LOL. Perhaps he has some precept that such things will happen and he could not deal with it. I reassured him that I am not that type. Furthermore, if the day comes that we share the same roof, I prefer he lives with me as I trust me more than I trust others. I explained I know for a fact that my temperament is such that I could never see myself shouting to someone get out or being inhospitable to anyone. It's simply not my character.

    Now, this guy is a most wonderful human being. We have been seeing each other thru very busy and hectic work lives since the beginning of the year, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I want to be with him forever. But this conversation tonight is giving me pause. He does not see himself living with me, and I do not see myself living with him. So what gives? I know that I am at the point in my life where I want to not just be in a committed relationship, but at some point in the distant future grow a life together with him, which may entail us sharing a roof together. So finally here is big question: what the hell should I do with this revelation or potential impasse? Should I stay and grow with him as is and let the chip fall where they may, or is this a red flag that perhaps I will be spinning wheels with him indefinitely without the possibility of us every sharing a roof which once a far fetch idea for me is now in the back of mind? Now, before you answer, please know that I really love this guy and I know he loves me without a doubt. In fact, I am prepared to just be with him for life if necessary, but I have so much at stake in my life right now, I just want to make the right decisions and do so early. Thanks for taking the time to read my bible and your input in advance.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 06, 2011 1:21 PM GMT
    If both of you don't care to live with one another, but are in love nonetheless, then the problem is imaginary. Relationships have enough problems in the here and now without conjuring up some future hardship that may never come to pass.

    If and when the future arrives, love tends to smooth out the edges of problems, real and imagined. If you love each other with the intensity that you say, then things have a way of working themselves out. In any case, the "problem" here, if I understand you correctly, is entirely speculative. I wouldn't worry about it: enjoy the here and now.
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    Sep 06, 2011 2:05 PM GMT
    I think you may be too preoccupied with the future. It sounds as if your relationship is still very new, enjoy it! You both sound like independent people. At some point in a long term relationship both parties should form a certain amount of dependency. Enjoy were you are now and take the future as it comes.

    I don't think many people imagine themselves merging there lives at the beginning of a relationship. The future of any relationship is uncertain at the beginning. Obsessing about the future has a way ruining the present.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 06, 2011 2:30 PM GMT
    Ah......the human desire to create drama where there is none.

    Since you admittedly have little experience with same sex relationships, please ask yourself why must your future days be carefully charted out with this man?
    Why not just spend time together and let the seasons pass. What difference does it make if you keep separate residences for years?

    You are both independent, experienced, mature men. If you are a good fit, the relationship will grow and evolve organically.

    You don't have a problem. You are just over-analyzing the beginning of a relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 06, 2011 2:36 PM GMT

    "But this conversation tonight is giving me pause. He does not see himself living with me, and I do not see myself living with him. So what gives?"

    What gives? You're two guys in love that each like to have their own place and space. What's best of all is the feel is mutual! We know couples like that who have been together quite happily for many years. They exchanged house keys and over time began spending more time at each other's places. One couple asked us if it was odd, and my reply was that it's not that much different from some couples having a place in the city and a place in the country.

    Any time either one of you wants to experience living together you can do so, and you have a choice of places to do it in. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 06, 2011 2:50 PM GMT
    The fact that neither of you have had experiences with others troubles me a bit. I'm thinking that you have these concerns and questions because of your lack of experience with a number of guys. I hear what you're saying about being in love, but part of me thinks it would be beneficial for you both to remain good friends, but consider dating other guys. Then, once you get some experience, you'll know whether to become exclusive, or maybe not, and you might move on to someone who is a better fit for you.

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    Sep 06, 2011 3:03 PM GMT
    Thanks guys for your input. I truly appreciate them. I feel like a dolt already as my inexperience is showing like a gaping wound. I don't want to screw things up with this guy that I feel in my heart is "the one". This feeling prompted me to think I can not loose him as he is in my mnd a rare find, which is so out of character for me given my life long feelings, that my mind raced to the future prematurely. Oh..the love bug. When it hit's you no matter your age, you just act silly.

    I can live with the suggestions you guys offered. I was thinking prior to posting that perhaps time and a strengthen relationship will provide answers and allow both of us to make decisions that perhaps we never would have contemplated in the future. Your responses lends credence to this thinking. I am happy I express my thoughts here rather than potentially pushing him away with further mention of this.

    Sounds like a need to take a big chill pill, enjoy the relationship, don't create drama where none is needed, and let our relationship unfold naturally. Time I guess will provide clarity and guidance. Again, thanks for you input.
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 1492

    Sep 06, 2011 6:26 PM GMT
    I had a house in the country. He had a downtown highrise. The best of both. We spent equal time at each other's place and occasionally a few days apart. It all just evolved naturally, with each of us preferring our own digs more, but appreciating and enjoying the ambiance and amenities of the other's place as well.

    In my longest relationship, 10 years, we had separate bedroom suites and randomly wound up wherever we did each night, including alone sometimes if the other had trouble sleeping or needed to rise extra early one day.

    If there is no financial need to combine households it can be rather nice mixing it up a bit and having a private retreat when desired. As time goes on, take over a guest room/closet/ drawers etc..at the others home so you feel at home there as well. Go from there.

    There is no formula or template. We create our own relationships.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11634

    Sep 06, 2011 6:55 PM GMT

    A 'problem' that takes that long to explain in writing is either complex or non-existant. Yours is the later. You are indeed over analyzing because this is all new to you and you are wanting to sort it out. Better to relax and work at letting it happen, whatever befalls.

    And, by the way, if someone asks you for a drink and you don't care for alcohol, just order coffee or soda or something. You are never under an obligation to do alcohol.