Security versus sex: Does one have to give up one to have the other?

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    Sep 06, 2011 7:57 AM GMT
    My husband and I haven't had sex in six years. We mutually agreed on having an open relationship back in 2003 with ground rules: don't bring anyone home and don't get romantically attached. He isn't interested in sex at all. This year, I finally decided I needed to satisfy my sexual urges and began seeing other guys sexually. Now I believe he is jealous and our marriage isn't going so well. I went to counseling but he wouldn't go. My question is this: Do I settle for security - he has the money - and give up sex or satisfy my own sexual gratification and hope for the best?
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    Sep 06, 2011 12:55 PM GMT
    yankinbc saidMy husband and I haven't had sex in six years. We mutually agreed on having an open relationship back in 2003 with ground rules: don't bring anyone home and don't get romantically attached. He isn't interested in sex at all. This year, I finally decided I needed to satisfy my sexual urges and began seeing other guys sexually. Now I believe he is jealous and our marriage isn't going so well. I went to counseling but he wouldn't go. My question is this: Do I settle for security - he has the money - and give up sex or satisfy my own sexual gratification and hope for the best?


    WOW! I can't believe no one has this touched this yet. Dibs.

    Well I can't say I envy you and as soon as you guys agreed to go the open relationship route it seems to have gone downhill from there. You're having sex with everyone else but your actual partner which is never a good sign especially after 6 years. He doesn't want to see a counselor and he doesn't want to talk about the issue at hand which is obviously about sex.

    You should just end it unless you like looking like a good digger which is pretty much what you would be if you decided to stay with him based off of him having the money because it doesn't seem like he has anything else worth staying for except for like say HIM. Plus it makes you look weak and codependent. Basically you should end the relationship unless you two can sit and figure some things out.

    While having security and sex is a nice thing it seems you don't get to have both in this situation or maybe you could if you talked. I would suggest you guys sit down and talk it out and figure out what you both want out of this relationship.

    Best of luck to you.

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    Sep 06, 2011 1:05 PM GMT
    You're not in a crisis. So take the time to do some life financial planning. When and if you make your move you will do so knowing that there is adequate financial security to take you through.

    Also, you need to ask, What really matters to you? What about the other aspects of the relationship? And of course, if you are accustomed to a luxurious lifestyle, with the best appliances, restaurants and vacation spots, you need to ask if those things really give you happiness. If they do, then maybe staying is not so bad.
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    Sep 06, 2011 1:10 PM GMT
    Yeah I don't know of anyone who has done the open honest relationship thing well.

    To be honest, it depends on your priorities, do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who loves you and will support you emotionally/financially or is sex such a deal breaker that you are willing to give up years of investment in the relationship ?

    I know sex is important but it isn't everything.

    Then again neither is money.

    You need to seriously think about what you want from life and also realize that potentially you can have both security/amazing sex with the right person but as everyone knows 'that spark' always runs out eventually .........and boy is it hard to find that perfect combination.

    Personally, i'd pick security/stability everytime.
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    Sep 06, 2011 3:07 PM GMT
    Six years? wow, I'm surprised you're still together. Do you do other intimate stuff?

    When the sex stops or gets bad for one person or the other (or both), relationships fail. period. Its not necessarily that the sex is the root of the problem but other factors in the relationship that stifle the experience such that a lack of intimacy is almost always a warning sign that the end is near.

    ...in my limited experience anyway. Feel free to rebut, I'll be interested to know what others think.

    In any case, good luck OP! I hope everything works out for the better.


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    Sep 06, 2011 3:12 PM GMT
    Beats me. It's a toughie.
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    Sep 06, 2011 3:14 PM GMT
    You are not happy in your relationship and he's not willing to compromise or go to counselling - I'd personally not want to stay in an unhappy relationship just for money, but that's just me. There's nothing wrong with being a whore if you're happy to be one.
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    Sep 06, 2011 3:14 PM GMT
    Its really up to you. You are responsible for your own happiness and you cant let anyone, including your husband, dictate that. Figure out what YOU want out of life and go with that. When you are dead no one is going to care that you were selfless to your husband.
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    Sep 06, 2011 3:17 PM GMT
    yankinbc saidMy question is this: Do I settle for security - he has the money - and give up sex or satisfy my own sexual gratification and hope for the best?

    I didn't see the word "love" in that equation. Maybe that's the problem.
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    Sep 06, 2011 3:22 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    yankinbc saidMy question is this: Do I settle for security - he has the money - and give up sex or satisfy my own sexual gratification and hope for the best?

    I didn't see the word "love" in that equation. Maybe that's the problem.


    Mhmm...
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    Sep 06, 2011 3:22 PM GMT
    "I went to counseling but he wouldn't go."

    What was his reasoning behind refusal to go?
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    Sep 06, 2011 6:07 PM GMT
    Thanks guys! I took in every one of your responses - snarky (I'm sure they'll be more as time goes on...) or sincere. I wanted to make the narration short and to-the-point, that is why I left out a lot. Like the fact that I do still love him and he loves me. Marriages - esp. gay marriages - are not black or white or easy to define as each one has a different recipe in making it work. My life IS better and my health IS better after moving from the States to Canada (wish more of you could do this). I don't think our relationship is an anomaly. Just hoping other guys in similar situations would have some words of advice as well...
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    Sep 06, 2011 6:07 PM GMT
    meninlove said "I went to counseling but he wouldn't go."

    What was his reasoning behind refusal to go?


    Doesn't believe in counseling.
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    Sep 06, 2011 6:18 PM GMT
    Guy101 said
    yankinbc saidMy husband and I haven't had sex in six years. We mutually agreed on having an open relationship back in 2003 with ground rules: don't bring anyone home and don't get romantically attached. He isn't interested in sex at all. This year, I finally decided I needed to satisfy my sexual urges and began seeing other guys sexually. Now I believe he is jealous and our marriage isn't going so well. I went to counseling but he wouldn't go. My question is this: Do I settle for security - he has the money - and give up sex or satisfy my own sexual gratification and hope for the best?


    WOW! I can't believe no one has this touched this yet. Dibs.

    Well I can't say I envy you and as soon as you guys agreed to go the open relationship route it seems to have gone downhill from there. You're having sex with everyone else but your actual partner which is never a good sign especially after 6 years. He doesn't want to see a counselor and he doesn't want to talk about the issue at hand which is obviously about sex.

    You should just end it unless you like looking like a good digger which is pretty much what you would be if you decided to stay with him based off of him having the money because it doesn't seem like he has anything else worth staying for except for like say HIM. Plus it makes you look weak and codependent. Basically you should end the relationship unless you two can sit and figure some things out.

    While having security and sex is a nice thing it seems you don't get to have both in this situation or maybe you could if you talked. I would suggest you guys sit down and talk it out and figure out what you both want out of this relationship.

    Best of luck to you.



    Thanks for your comments. It's not that I am a gold digger, sitting around eating bon-bons watching gay pron while jacking off (although some days I wish...lol). We make about the same amount of money, our condo we bought is in both our names. Heck, as a former hospice nurse, I took care of his dying father until he died (not looking for glory or points here. Wanted to do it...). I like your idea of sitting down and talking again (for the up-teenth time) because I am willing to go the extra mile. And recognize that partners continuously need to work on their relationships/marriages. Pollyannaish?
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    Sep 06, 2011 6:19 PM GMT
    ncujock saidSix years? wow, I'm surprised you're still together. Do you do other intimate stuff?

    When the sex stops or gets bad for one person or the other (or both), relationships fail. period. Its not necessarily that the sex is the root of the problem but other factors in the relationship that stifle the experience such that a lack of intimacy is almost always a warning sign that the end is near.

    ...in my limited experience anyway. Feel free to rebut, I'll be interested to know what others think.

    In any case, good luck OP! I hope everything works out for the better.




    Thanks, guy!
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    Sep 06, 2011 6:22 PM GMT
    JackNWNJ saidBeats me. It's a toughie.


    You surprise me. been reading your postings now and thought you'd say something more...lol
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    Sep 06, 2011 6:26 PM GMT
    Dallasfan824 saidIts really up to you. You are responsible for your own happiness and you cant let anyone, including your husband, dictate that. Figure out what YOU want out of life and go with that. When you are dead no one is going to care that you were selfless to your husband.



    Thank you for your two cents (certainly value it more than just this monetary value...). Esp. like the 'When you are dead...' line. I am a doer, involved with my many projects, interests, volunteer, and try to enjoy each day as it comes. Maybe I need to spend more energy in doing things with him and less on my projects / interests...
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    Sep 06, 2011 6:35 PM GMT
    Depends on why there is no sex.

    Was there sex before but not now? Is it health related?


    If there was never any sex, why would you marry someone if sex is important to you?

    I have been celibate for years by choice and am currently in a new relationship. Should it work out long term and something happen medically to prevent a good sex life, being with someone is more important to me than sex. If, OTOH, he were just not interested in sex from the get go, I'd have to pass.

    I don't care about money so much as long as he is gainfully employed and not in debt. How much he has or doesn't have isn't that important.
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    Sep 06, 2011 6:39 PM GMT
    I would pick security any day. you can JO all you need or try to ignite the spark again but its so hard to find someone you can have a strong bond with. sex is not worth giving that up, at least for me.

    Edit: I should add I personally would like to raise a family and thus security does place more importance to me. plenty of committed sexless straight marriages to attest to that. No sex doesn't mean no love.
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    Sep 06, 2011 6:46 PM GMT
    Sounds horrible. I would not stay in a married relationship like that. He is a good friend who is also your roomy, he is not your lover.

    If you are asexual, fine, if you are not then it is not something I´d stay in, but then I have a low threshold for putting up with something that isn´t working, and doing something about it is not always comfortable or easy.

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    Sep 06, 2011 6:47 PM GMT
    yankinbc said
    meninlove said "I went to counseling but he wouldn't go."

    What was his reasoning behind refusal to go?


    Doesn't believe in counseling.


    Well, there's nothing so final as 'doesn't believe in'. I wonder why he thinks that.

    Perhaps sit him down then and discuss the issue of jealousy. You might ask him if he thinks you should be celibate, and if so, why.

    -Doug
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    Sep 06, 2011 7:57 PM GMT
    Lostboy saidSounds horrible. I would not stay in a married relationship like that. He is a good friend who is also your roomy, he is not your lover.

    If you are asexual, fine, if you are not then it is not something I´d stay in, but then I have a low threshold for putting up with something that isn´t working, and doing something about it is not always comfortable or easy.



    Thanks for your advice. Counselor said the same think to me: "he's not your lover, he's your roommate"...sigh.

    Can I tell you what did put a smile on my face? Your Internet 'Bunny' on your profile page. Charming. Simply charming...
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    Sep 06, 2011 10:38 PM GMT
    yankinbc saidThanks guys! I took in every one of your responses - snarky (I'm sure they'll be more as time goes on...) or sincere. I wanted to make the narration short and to-the-point, that is why I left out a lot. Like the fact that I do still love him and he loves me.


    You love him. But, you might not easily find the same love. 6 years is a long time. What meets your definition of sex? Or, are you really saying that you haven't reached a climax with your guy for six years?

    It appears that this relationship is worth saving. But, relationships are a lot of work. Especially if there is a gap in sexual appetite.

    I'm not a psychologist. But, I have to ask, is he satisfied, but you aren't?

    Statistically, about half of gay couples are quite satisfied with stroking and oral on each other. I thought the real answer was close to 5%. icon_redface.gif

    Are there any prescribed medications on his end?

    When my career was rockin', I had stress issues that motivated me to start taking prescriptions including SSRI's and beta blockers, in addition to Omeprazole/Prilosec and Seroquel. The funny thing is most of that stuff actually made me stupid. Which required more effort to keep up with work.

    To say it fucked me up sexually is an understatement. And, it made me fat. I finally weaned myself off of Metropolol last week after I realized things that lower your blood pressure also interfered with the hardness of your wood.

    But, it was pretty cool to have 120/70 bp and be 270lbs/6'2"

    I miss my morning wood. Perhaps it will return someday. B-)
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    Sep 06, 2011 10:49 PM GMT
    RobertF64 said
    yankinbc saidThanks guys! I took in every one of your responses - snarky (I'm sure they'll be more as time goes on...) or sincere. I wanted to make the narration short and to-the-point, that is why I left out a lot. Like the fact that I do still love him and he loves me.


    You love him. But, you might not easily find the same love. 6 years is a long time. What meets your definition of sex? Or, are you really saying that you haven't reached a climax with your guy for six years?

    It appears that this relationship is worth saving. But, relationships are a lot of work. Especially if there is a gap in sexual appetite.

    I'm not a psychologist. But, I have to ask, is he satisfied, but you aren't?

    Statistically, about half of gay couples are quite satisfied with stroking and oral on each other. I thought the real answer was close to 5%. icon_redface.gif

    Are there any prescribed medications on his end?

    When my career was rockin', I had stress issues that motivated me to start taking prescriptions including SSRI's and beta blockers, in addition to Omeprazole/Prilosec and Seroquel. The funny thing is most of that stuff actually made me stupid. Which required more effort to keep up with work.

    To say it fucked me up sexually is an understatement. And, it made me fat. I finally weaned myself off of Metropolol last week after I realized things that lower your blood pressure also interfered with the hardness of your wood.

    But, it was pretty cool to have 120/70 bp and be 270lbs/6'2"

    I miss my morning wood. Perhaps it will return someday. B-)


    Wow. Thanks for sharing your story, Robert.
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    Sep 06, 2011 10:54 PM GMT
    I would stay for the security. None of us are getting any younger and the sex drive takes a back seat eventually. There are lots of missing pieces to your thread, but if you are basically happy other than the sex, i would stay put.