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So I come home the other night from work, and my bf is sleep on the lounge, with the laptop open.

I wanted to come on here and check out the forums etc, and I had to close his windows from Gaydar, Manhunt and Dudesnude.

I don't have any problem with him surfing porn or checking out gay websites, but Manhunt and Gaydar makes me feel there is a hidden side to our relationship because he never spoke to me about it.

What would u do?

Do you trust this guy?

If you do I wouldn't worry about it
but I'd still say
...so what's happening on Manhunt lately
just to let him know that he's been busted

If you don't trust him
that's a whole different story
and if that bothers you you might wanna rethink this guy

My boyfriend and I have been together three years now. I still have a gay.com account from my single days who's mail I check every couple of months. He has a few accounts on other such sites. We both know the other's user name and password to those sites, which makes both of us feel more comfortable. Perhaps a compromise like that would reassure you.

have a chat to him, see why, then as long as hes happy in the relationship, be kewl with it and continue on with life.

MunchingZombie saidWe both know the other's user name and password to those sites, which makes both of us feel more comfortable. Perhaps a compromise like that would reassure you.

I fail to see how something like that builds trust.

Dudesnude, to me, is more a porn thing... look what I've got, lets see what everyone else has...

gaydar, I've never been to, so I don't know anything about it.

someone mentioned gay.com, and I really wouldn't worry about that one, it's just a chatroom. I hang out there all the time and am rarely looking for hookups there. Actually I usually get annoyed when I'm just hanging out and people try to hit me up for sex there...

Manhunt is a different story. It's an online bathhouse, plain and simple. And anyone who says otherwise is either deluding themselves or lying their ass off...

he couldn't have been enjoying those sites TOO much. ...he did fall asleep after all.

I think what you've described is serious. It involves trust. You need to have a serious conversation about it. That DOESN'T mean a confrontation, but rather the need for understanding. You need to approach it in a way that isn't confrontational (I emphasize that), but rather that builds trust between you.

I think if he talks it over and emphasizes what he's doing things are looking a little better, if he clams up and gets defensive, I'd understand that you may have a problem.

I'd ask him why he likes to go to those sites.

I'd ignore it, or explore the websites myself. I certainly wouldn't make a big deal over it.

It is a big deal. Honesty and loyalty are the bedrock of any relationship... regardless of the innocence that might be involved with his visiting these sites, you clearly do not currently view your boyfriend as honest and loyal.

If nothing else you need to have talk with him so that it is clear to him if his visiting those sites bothers you, or different talk if you just want him to be open about it so that it doesn't feel like anyone is sneaking around.

caslon: well there is always that suggestion.

Caslon: I think you may need to read my thread about the consequences of lolcatz abuse

TigerTim saidCaslon: I think you may need to read my thread about the consequences of lolcatz abuse

You know not where you tread! ! ! !

Ok here's the deal...Don't say anything about it to him for about a week. After then find some BS reason to ask him to use his computer (yours has a virus or whatever)...Chances are that if he's reckless enough to leave those windows open even AFTER he's fallen asleep, he's probabaly reckless enough to not delete his history, pull up the history and see just how often he's visiting. Plan your next move from there.

I can only speak for myself but, I can't stand control freaks. Some guys find security in a controlling partner, I'm not one of them.

My usual behavior is to be an absolute bottom slut but, when I meet a man that really shizzles my kanizzle, I'm totally loyal to them, and I still masturbate to gay porn. Right now, I'm vershizzled and loyal to my man. If he pulled that control crap on me, (and he hasn't) it would diminish him in my eyes.

Perhaps you could discuss it with your partner, but not in a challenging way. Maybe he sees fun activities you two could do that he may like. After doing it, he may not like it afterall. You can change this from an internal conflict on your part to an opportunity to get closer.

Maybe you two could go on Dr. Phil.

Well in a case like that I would be weary since curiosity usually ends up killing someone. LOL. Just take it with a grain of salt but at the same time I'd focus on the possiblity that maybe something going on while you aren't there. it's one thing if he was just browsing around checking things out. It's another if he frequents these sites on a daily basis.

If it bothers you that much then nip it in the bud and just ask him. A friend of mine had a similar incident like this and it went bad. He found out about the sites his bf was visiting and didn't mind it at first and decided to play a little experiment with the situation. He continued to let his bf go to these sites while his bf didn't know that he knew. Long story short because he chose not to address the situation his bf ended up cheating on him with soneone he meet online. It was a sad and unfortunate thing to see happen but in all honesty if my friend hadn't decided to play games and just man up and talk to his bf about it then the temptation would never have happened.

Talk to your bf and if he has nothing to hide then he'll answer all your questions easily and honestly without feeling threatened.

oh he wasnt doing anything. he wouldnt have left those sites open. and he didnt mention it because he is innocent of hanky panky...he was just surfing for wack-off pics. Stop all this self-inflicted drama!

In agreeance w/ Guy101 I know of a similar situation that hit close to home with me. Porn sites are one thing but hookup sites can be shakey ground.

Gees i can get on a plan fly interstate for lunch, and most times be home for dinner. I say nothing. Don't even talk about my day. yet I've been up to no wrong!

When me and my partner started our relationship, we agree to close down our manhunt and gaydar accounts and remove all non-genuine friends (i.e. Fuck buddies and trashy scum) from our MSN accounts.

This has worked well for us.

Caslon. Alot of things that seem innocent tend to be the exact opposite. It's not self inflicted drama and in situations like this they usually start small and then escalate into something big.

While the bf might just be searching for pix to wack off to it might go far beyond that if given time and then the drama will probably begin. This guy has a right to know. Again, if the bf has nothing to hide and feels he didn't do anything wrong then a simple chat will clear everything up and everyone can just move on with their lives.

Tie him up and drip hot wax on his nipples whilst screaming: CONFESS, CONFESS, CONFESS!

Gosh, this is so easy. Log in and create a profile yourself. Start a dialog with him and see where it goes.

Maybe he's just a window shopper.

All joking aside, doing that pretty much just says that you don't trust him and in reality that seems a bit childish and underhanded. That's entrapment and that sort of thing could come back and bite you in the ass.

Do real men actually go to such lengths? That's sad and it sounds like something a women would do.

If I had any doubt in my mind that my bf (I'm single btw) was doing something behind my back I wouldn't bother sneaking around like coward and rat. I would confront him on my terms and get my answer without having to go to such lengths. If he couldn't prove and convince me of what I already suspected then I'd end the realtionship in a civil manner without letting it get too complicated.

Window shoppers eventually buy things that catch their eye.

mickeytopogigio saidGosh, this is so easy. Log in and create a profile yourself. Start a dialog with him and see where it goes.

Maybe he's just a window shopper.

That is the absolute worst idea I've ever heard. My first boyfriend did that to me, when I was first coming out, didn't know a single gay guy, and wanted to find a place to get to know other gay guys.

When I found out, I dumped his sorry, insecure, duplicitous ass. See, we'd already had the discussion that I had an account and wanted to meet people socially. When he went to test my intentions for himself (and even though I passed his "test" with flying colors) a line was crossed.

Well don't worry about it too much it's probably only eye candy viewing? As long as he is not dating and cheating in real then there's no problem? My b/f knows l have a couple of Gay Turkish accounts and ok he is not happy with it and I have cancelled Gaydar and the other accounts and I tell him that I get bored sometimes as "you are not with me" and he accepts it to a point but I know he is not too cool as they say with it?

He is studying to be a psychological counselor and will finish UNI in June so maybe having a shrink b/f is good or Bad?

Anyway I love him and would not cheat ever on him!

cronker saidSo I come home the other night from work, and my bf is sleep on the lounge, with the laptop open.

I wanted to come on here and check out the forums etc, and I had to close his windows from Gaydar, Manhunt and Dudesnude.

I don't have any problem with him surfing porn or checking out gay websites, but Manhunt and Gaydar makes me feel there is a hidden side to our relationship because he never spoke to me about it.

What would u do?

1. Ask HIM................

I don't have any problem with him surfing porn or checking out gay websites, but Manhunt and Gaydar makes me feel there is a hidden side to our relationship because he never spoke to me about it.

I wouldn't get too pissed. In your own words you admit you have "no problem" with him surfing porn or checking gay websites out. Unless you clarified what was acceptable and what wasn't you really can't jump down his throat over this issue.

Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. Talk to him about your concerns. If you go in taking the attitude that you have "busted" him you are headed towards an argument. You might want to avoid that approach. sit down and calmly tell him how odd it made you feel to see he was checking out websites where it's built more around dating/hooking up. Tell him you trust him but you wanted him to know it just made you feel odd. So you don't look paranoid you may also point out that if the shoe was on the other foot he may have felt uncomfortable finding you looking at those sites as well. Maybe even tell him it's something you wouldn't do without first talking to him about it. You might even calmly ask if you could see his profile on those sites if he has one and see what his reaction is.

I'd just approach it carefully and lay your personal concerns out there and communicate how it made you feel. Come to a mutual understanding and go from there.

Why not just ask the reason for surfing? I have a good friend in a manogamous relationship who sorts through profiles just to find the people we know.

I'm with zdrew on this one. Acting as somebody else to test your bf? You're fired. On the spot. Ask me in a straight forward, interested, and curious way? Then let's have the conversation.

I'd say, "Morning honey, I had to close your laptop and noticed that you were logged into Manhugt, Gaydar, and DudesNude. So...that sounds like you're not getting something you need. What is it?"

Skip the dram and open the lines of communication Cronker.

Its porn...I realy dont care about porn, if I came home and he was looking up Back door fags 9, I would be like what ever. even if it was Boys and the yellow fountain of love, I would still not care. I mean...I have no problem with it...then again, the only people I met with a problem with it was like, Guys who are realy selfcounsius, and clingy...My friend is going through that.

For everyone who says spy on him.... I disagree. Thats wrong and controlling, and creating more drama out of a situation that doesn't need any more. TALK. It is the only way to either get him to confess, or calm your nerves. Either way, your concern is that he isn't being genuine, so then you must be.

If it were me I wouldn't say anything. I would put up a profile and see how long it took him to find it.

Hmm, y'all need to have a talk.
Manhunt is a sex site. There's not window shopping or porn browsing going on there. That's all about the hook up.

mickeytopogigio saidGosh, this is so easy. Log in and create a profile yourself. Start a dialog with him and see where it goes.

Maybe he's just a window shopper.

That's not a bad idea. Although, try talking to him first.
If he's not being upfront w/ you about being on those sites, not to instigate paranoia ( >_< !! ), but don't think that he isn't capable of hooking up behind your back. Hate to say it but I've been there w/ my ex and turned out he was the type who liked to have his cake and eat it too!
If you have an open relationship, then that's a different story altogether.

Do nothing, it's just a site. It's not like you caught him with a guy. If it bothers that much than,why don't you both agree to stay off the sites.

gawd the amount of deception in this thread is astounding, it really is.

Makes me not wanna ever get back out there and start dating again. I mean really, what is so difficult about talking...

Do what I did.

Create a false profile that targets all that your Boyfriend desires.

Set up a meeting.

Bust him.

lilTanker saidgawd the amount of deception in this thread is astounding, it really is.

Makes me not wanna ever get back out there and start dating again. I mean really, what is so difficult about talking...

in any relationship, may it be str8, or homosexual relationship. We still have the right to be an individual.

One is very open and honest. yet I don't tell all. This has nothing to do with having anything to hide, but independence.

The only thing wrong with not talking about, popping out of the state for a day, is if something happened. No-one would know I was away. But then that's part of the fun.......

But as Sam Newman says. "men are liars, and women schemers."

Pattison said[quote][cite]lilTanker said[/cite]gawd the amount of deception in this thread is astounding, it really is.

Makes me not wanna ever get back out there and start dating again. I mean really, what is so difficult about talking...

in any relationship, may it be str8, or homosexual relationship. We still have the right to be an individual.

One is very open and honest. yet I don't tell all. This has nothing to do with having anything to hide, but independence.

The only thing wrong with not talking about, popping out of the state for a day, is if something happened. No-one would know I was away. But then that's part of the fun.......

But as Sam Newman says. "men are liars, and women schemers."[/quote]

I disagree, when you enter a relationship you give up that independence, and you turn over to dependence. That is so important to a stable relationship- to rely on one another. That takes trust, and you build that trust from love.

....and lilTanker, I agree

I have to tell you some of these comments borders on the insane!

If you are secure with yourself and with the relationship what's prob. Let it go and move on.

It's not like you read an email of his wanting to make a date with another guy.

Pattison said[quote][cite]lilTanker said[/cite]gawd the amount of deception in this thread is astounding, it really is.

Makes me not wanna ever get back out there and start dating again. I mean really, what is so difficult about talking...

in any relationship, may it be str8, or homosexual relationship. We still have the right to be an individual.

One is very open and honest. yet I don't tell all. This has nothing to do with having anything to hide, but independence.

The only thing wrong with not talking about, popping out of the state for a day, is if something happened. No-one would know I was away. But then that's part of the fun.......

But as Sam Newman says. "men are liars, and women schemers."[/quote]

oh my comment was not directed at you mate, not at all.

I do not believe that when you enter a relationship that you give up your independence at all, you do have someone to depend on to be there with you, but you are still your own person and you breath for your own self as well as the relationship.

No, my comment was more directed at the people who where talking about deception, ie, the creating of your own profile to capture your partner doing something, I mean, if I couldn't my partner doing that to me, he would be booted without a seconds hesitation.

It just filled with insecurities to do that, to think so poorly of your self that you'd be so desperate to catch someone out on something that you would stoop even lower then there level is just vulgarity at its worst. So much so, that the thought, leaves a bad taste in my mouth just thinking about it.

no, a relationship is about trust, explicit trust, they do not need to tell me everything, I do not ask for everything, I trust them, they will tell me things that are important, interesting, funny, strengthening and will have the balls to tell me the truth when I ask for it, but they do not need to tell me everything, they are allowed there own private thoughts and actions and I trust them enough that there thoughts and actions will not hurt me!

Alright...this is beginning to drag. Dump him; dont dump him. What is this? Some kind of reality show? Do we get to vote him out of the relationship? ....

People are going on and on about honesty, so I must have missed the part where he actually lied to you.

lilTanker... I think we agree, I was just thinking of it in a different way. You loose your independence to sleep around, and depending on the relationship to surf to manhunt, craigslist, gaydar, etc. That is what I meant, the two people are still individuals with their own lives, which may diverge in the future, but for now they are inter-dependent and in order to achieve that state they may have to give up old habits (sexual and non).

Squarejaw saidPeople are going on and on about honesty, so I must have missed the part where he actually lied to you.

Like I implied in the previous post, it depends on the relationship. In some these actions would be viewed as deceitful. Both by the 'accusee', and some that have been suggested for the accuser to do.

wow, simple question that got taken too far!

I do trust him, and i will talk to him. i won't set up a fake profile to bust him, i'm secure enough to know that if he wants to be with someone else, then I can't stop that.

tbanks for all your input, guys.

Now dont you just hate that...

When you go to all the trouble to answer a post and then the OP comes back and sez oh he didnt mean it and he has the answer all along...

caslon saidNow dont you just hate that...

When you go to all the trouble to answer a post and then the OP comes back and sez oh he didnt mean it and he has the answer all along...

Shit. I think I may of gotten a skid mark, on my jocks from laughing at that pic.

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