So...

  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Sep 10, 2011 11:30 AM GMT
    I am involved for 15 years this December and for the last 9 years, the relationship has evolved into what we define as a "consenting" relationship i.e. an open relationship with predefined rules. There is an age-gap but it has not been nor is it a factor in our relationship.
    He is the love of my life and has been and always will be…so breaking up is not even a thought.
    I am not actually looking for advice or anything…I just don't have anyone that I can actually share this with.

    Due to budget constraints my partner's contract was cancelled with immediate effect and he was able to confirm a number of short term contracts and with my salary we were able to keep our heads above water.
    It seems that this actually did a lot more harm to him emotionally and in a sense, it seems to have emasculated him.
    He has completely switched off physically. We have not been sexually intimate. At all. No kissing, touching, stroking etc.

    When I even mentioned the possibility of sex or even approached him, I was rebutted.
    When I intimated that I would like to meet up with someone, I was denied in way that didn’t require words.
    I was and am able to accept the situation but I still function on all other levels; emotionally, mentally and sexually.

    He has a permanent position at a great company now and I thought that things will improve, but they have not.
    There is an increase in physical touching, but nothing intimate or sexual.

    The problem is further impacted by the fact that I seem to have developed a link between my self-esteem and being the object of lust and a need to be found attractive. It is something that I am currently working on…

    Unfortunately it seems that my partner is developing his newly rediscovered libido for others.
    I came back from gym unusually early one evening and he was upstairs on the PC and he also quickly clicked away from what was clearly a gallery of pics/vids/clips or other guys.
    He denied it all and I left it there, mentioning it again will just exacerbate an already tense situation.

    So…I have been jerking off every morning and every night for the last 6 months.














  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 10, 2011 12:26 PM GMT
    It's time to exacerbate the situation.

    It's not good enough to just walk around on egg shells around him in hopes he will just snap out of it. Yes I'm all for letting a person come to things in there own time but there is a limit when it involves another persons emotional well being.

    Talk to him bluntly, let him know what you need, what you want and do not drop the conversation until he has given you an answer, an honest one that satisfies you.
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Sep 10, 2011 12:42 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidIt's time to exacerbate the situation.

    It's not good enough to just walk around on egg shells around him in hopes he will just snap out of it. Yes I'm all for letting a person come to things in there own time but there is a limit when it involves another persons emotional well being.

    Talk to him bluntly, let him know what you need, what you want and do not drop the conversation until he has given you an answer, an honest one that satisfies you.


    Hey, hey mister.
    Long time no speak.

    I am sure that he is aware of my...errr wants.
    Maybe I just dont do it for him anymore...
    /shrug

    I've "joked" about it before and he says that it's bullshit.
    But there is no action from his part to prove it.

    Maybe he needs some more time?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 10, 2011 1:30 PM GMT
    Kage saidHey, hey mister.
    Long time no speak.

    I am sure that he is aware of my...errr wants.
    Maybe I just dont do it for him anymore...
    /shrug

    I've "joked" about it before and he says that it's bullshit.
    But there is no action from his part to prove it.

    Maybe he needs some more time?

    Time time time, how much time is enough time? how much time are you willing to give up before you finally give up yourself and just stop trying?

    your at the point where even your being hurt by his lack of interest, it seems it's been enough time already.
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Sep 10, 2011 1:37 PM GMT
    lilTanker said
    Kage saidHey, hey mister.
    Long time no speak.

    I am sure that he is aware of my...errr wants.
    Maybe I just dont do it for him anymore...
    /shrug

    I've "joked" about it before and he says that it's bullshit.
    But there is no action from his part to prove it.

    Maybe he needs some more time?

    Time time time, how much time is enough time? how much time are you willing to give up before you finally give up yourself and just stop trying?

    your at the point where even your being hurt by his lack of interest, it seems it's been enough time already.


    You make a good point.
    You also know that life, relationships and people are a tad more complicated.
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Sep 10, 2011 1:52 PM GMT
    jprichva saidI don't say this with any pleasure, Kage, but he has shut down for good. You are now transitioning to 'roommates' if you aren't there already.

    Is that enough for you?


    Hmmm...
    Interesting.
    I am not sure that I agree.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 10, 2011 1:55 PM GMT
    Kage saidYou make a good point.
    You also know that life, relationships and people are a tad more complicated.

    I used to think they were more complicated.

    But I understand what I need now, what I really need, not what I want.

    My wants come and go, they change with the times and on whims.
    But my needs are pretty constant I needed certain things when I first started that relationship and I still needed those same things at the end, only difference is I didn't know what those things were at the start and I knew they weren't being fulfilled in the end.
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Sep 10, 2011 1:56 PM GMT
    lilTanker said
    Kage saidYou make a good point.
    You also know that life, relationships and people are a tad more complicated.

    I used to think they were more complicated.

    But I understand what I need now, what I really need, not what I want.

    My wants come and go, they change with the times and on whims.
    But my needs are pretty constant I needed certain things when I first started that relationship and I still needed those same things at the end, only difference is I didn't know what those things were at the start and I knew they weren't being fulfilled in the end.


    And since when have you become this wise?icon_wink.gif
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    Sep 10, 2011 2:03 PM GMT
    jprichva saidWhat he didn't understand was that I actually didn't care. I was done and had been done for some time. You can imagine how long it took us to break up after that. And not because of the phone sex.

    While the way it happened for me was different it was pretty much exactly the same for me heh. I left the next day after that.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Sep 10, 2011 2:07 PM GMT
    Therapy. He has personal issues he needs to work out. The relationship is not the problem, his personal issues would be the problem, which is negatively effecting the relationship.

    6 months is no big deal. Some single people go years without.
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    Sep 10, 2011 2:13 PM GMT



    Kage with this in mind, which I respect very much "He is the love of my life and has been and always will be…so breaking up is not even a thought."

    ....when your relationship opened up to a consenting open one with predefined rules, was he also having the odd tryst with other men?


    With this, "I seem to have developed a link between my self-esteem and being the object of lust and a need to be found attractive."

    ....I think you're saying you need your partner to see you as the apple of his eye and demonstrate it.

    This last has me a bit confused, "Unfortunately it seems that my partner is developing his newly rediscovered libido for others."

    Did he not have this libido for others when the relationship was opened up, or was it only you that had a libido for others?

    Apologies for asking all these pesky questions!

    I think it's a good idea to show each other your emotional vulnerabilities
    in a relationship of lovers, after all, this I feel is the one person you should be most able to share such vulnerabilities with.

    -Doug
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    Sep 10, 2011 2:44 PM GMT
    I am disagreeing with everyone here, I know, but I just want to provide a counterpoint.

    When he became diminished at work, he became diminished in his self-image. he is suffering right now and to leave him or hurt him is not going to help you, him or the relationship.

    If you do not believe the relationship will survive, then walk away cleanly, smoothly and honestly.

    If you DO beleive that it is worth fighting for, then you need to become the strength you both need. "In sickness and in health; in good times and bad"

    In a relationship, you have to take turns being "the rock" and right now, you are the rock. Make him face his feelings. Emotions are the monster in the closet that seem so big and scary that we dont open the closet door and look at them, but if we actually did we would see that scary face was a pile of socks or that the darkness was hiding nothing all of the time.

    Feed into his self-image and he will open up. He is in pain; make him know that you still respect him because right now he doens't respect himself.
  • Rawrdo

    Posts: 343

    Sep 10, 2011 7:36 PM GMT
    Based on my own experience which was very similar, I'm tending to believe the guy's emotionally over with you and either just doesn't know how to bring it up, or is way too much of a coward to do it. Or as someone said he probably has some issues that he's trying to deal by himself. However, if that's the case let's emphasis on the last part, by HIMSELF. His way of dealing seems to have you cut you off emotionally, and in a relationship that's not gonna work. I'm not saying that when people have problems their dealing you should break up with them and let them deal with them, but when THEY are the ones who start withdrawing it's hard to worm your way from the walls that they built. He may possibly truly be lost right now, and although I don't really know the entire situation it just appears that right now his problems are too big for him let alone the entire relationship. I know it sucks when you're the one who has done nothing (though you may feel like it's your fault) but trust me, sometimes guys can be fickle and there's nothing we can do about it.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Sep 10, 2011 7:44 PM GMT
    Dude.... Sometimes when the good turns bad..we resort to live in the past...Remembering the awesome times...as you do this...Times slips away...You get older..chances of a better relationship decrease...Son...you deserve better than your past circumstances....Be honest and direct with your partner...Tell him you love and respect yourself too much to continue this scam of a relationship....After it's over...Take time to build your esteem before getting back in the swing of things...I've gone through this kind of situation...I just wish others would have be as honest as I have been with you....Only good things.....Steve...aka...BUD
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Sep 11, 2011 7:14 AM GMT
    Thank you for all the replies.
    They all helped in their own way.

    So last night in the car I breached the topic and we had a good talk about it.
    He explained to me that it is actually incredibly hard for him at the moment as he is just getting out of the worst time of his life.

    He said that he felt completely emasculated and that he is starting to feel better about it every day.


    I think that Alpha Muscle put it best:
    When he became diminished at work, he became diminished in his self-image. he is suffering right now and to leave him or hurt him is not going to help you, him or the relationship.

    Thanks again guys for your replies.
    I have been feeling a little "kaged" hehehe of late without having anyone to share this with.


  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Sep 11, 2011 7:42 AM GMT

    Hi Doug

    Not a problem and I will reply to all your questions.

    The relationship was mutually "beneficial" for both.
    We have discovered and accepted early on in the relationship that we are both insatiably flirtatious and sexual.
    We played together every now and then but our tastes are mutually exclusive at most times.

    Yes.
    I need to be shown that I am attractive and found sexually attractive.
    The lack of this has done 2 things.
    1) Created a self image problem regarding my partners attraction towards me.
    2) Created a need for others to find me sexually and physically attractive.

    Yes, he had a libido for others too.
    Unfortunately and he mentioned that age might be have become a factor.
    That is a bridge we will have to cross when an equilibrium has been found.

    A lot of times, relationships tend to become trapped in a loop and it takes clear an honest communication to break that loop.


  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Sep 11, 2011 7:46 AM GMT
    mybud saidDude.... Sometimes when the good turns bad..we resort to live in the past...Remembering the awesome times...as you do this...Times slips away...You get older..chances of a better relationship decrease...Son...you deserve better than your past circumstances....Be honest and direct with your partner...Tell him you love and respect yourself too much to continue this scam of a relationship....After it's over...Take time to build your esteem before getting back in the swing of things...I've gone through this kind of situation...I just wish others would have be as honest as I have been with you....Only good things.....Steve...aka...BUD


    Hi

    Thanks.
    My situation is a bit more complicated.
    This is my first relationship ever. So there are a number of emotional ties, nuances and complexities.

    Let me explain it like this.
    I can not imagine being able to breathe without him.

    We have become emotionally linked on so many levels and he said the other night that it is the same for him.
    We have been through some amazing times and some rough times.
    Some of it my fault and some of it his fault but at the end, when the chips are down and we are at our lowest, we are still there, toghether.
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Sep 11, 2011 7:46 AM GMT
    _GOD_ saidYou do not seek advice. I will not give it.


    Succinct.
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Sep 11, 2011 7:50 AM GMT
    Rawrdo saidBased on my own experience which was very similar, I'm tending to believe the guy's emotionally over with you and either just doesn't know how to bring it up, or is way too much of a coward to do it. Or as someone said he probably has some issues that he's trying to deal by himself. However, if that's the case let's emphasis on the last part, by HIMSELF. His way of dealing seems to have you cut you off emotionally, and in a relationship that's not gonna work. I'm not saying that when people have problems their dealing you should break up with them and let them deal with them, but when THEY are the ones who start withdrawing it's hard to worm your way from the walls that they built. He may possibly truly be lost right now, and although I don't really know the entire situation it just appears that right now his problems are too big for him let alone the entire relationship. I know it sucks when you're the one who has done nothing (though you may feel like it's your fault) but trust me, sometimes guys can be fickle and there's nothing we can do about it.


    You are right.
    It is incredibly hard to help when the other party has withdrawn so completely.
    It is a decision I have made to see this through...to the very end.
    I have come to realise that life is not as simplistic as we would hope, it is frought with chaos and disorder and in that acceptance there is a certain peace to be found.
    In a nutshell: "It's a crazy fucking world we live in with crazy fucking people but I love it!"
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Sep 11, 2011 7:55 AM GMT
    Celticmusl saidTherapy. He has personal issues he needs to work out. The relationship is not the problem, his personal issues would be the problem, which is negatively effecting the relationship.

    6 months is no big deal. Some single people go years without.


    Good point here.
    There are 3 entities to a relationship.
    Him, you and then the relationship which is an amalgamation of the partners.
    When there is an imbalance from either partner the relationship is affected.
    It becomes unstable.

    I have accepted that once his issues are worked out the relationship will reach a healthy balance again.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Sep 11, 2011 7:56 AM GMT
    To be honest, it sounds like he has you as his emotional and sexual hostage.

    Don't get me wrong, from your description, the loss of his job really affected him, so we'll give him a bit of leeway there. But it sounds like he became profoundly depressed. I don't know if you urged him to seek counseling. He would have benefited, though from the sounds of it I'm going to guess he wouldn't have gone. So, he's an emotional and sexual iceberg during this time. And while you have an open relationship, he forbade you from looking for getting some of your needs fulfilled elsewhere.

    But now he's employed again, and it still sounds like you're not getting what you need.

    You say he's the love of your life. Does that mean your needs do not matter? That is take precedence over yours?

    OK, his viewing porn isn't the same as you wanting some sexual activity with another party, but it still seems like he has you by a very short leash.

    If this is not okay with you, then you need to confront him on it. Or go to couple's counseling. Because this doesn't sound like much of a relationship to be in. He might be the love of your life, but he's not treating you the same way.
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Sep 11, 2011 7:58 AM GMT
    jprichva said
    Kage saidI am not sure that I agree.

    Look, I know neither you nor your partner personally, so this is based on nothing except what you have (eloquently) laid out.

    Consider: the death of intimacy altogether when he lost his job. Okay, that happens and proves nothing. But when it 'revives', it revives only to the point of 'an increase of physical touching, but nothing sexual'. So he has no interest in sex? Possibly. Except, apparently, he does.

    You know, one day I came home unexpectedly in the afternoon to find my then-bf having phone sex. Our sex life had been dead at that point for a couple of years. Anyway, I walked in on him panting and fapping. He immediately hung up on the guy and followed me down the hallway babbling apologies. I told him I didn't care, but he kept apologizing.

    What he didn't understand was that I actually didn't care. I was done and had been done for some time. You can imagine how long it took us to break up after that. And not because of the phone sex.


    I will confess that I have harboured some anger, resentment etc towards him.
    Feeling rejected and unwanted. It became a spiral of self-pity from my side and this mirrored his own self-pity.

    We had a good talk and I am sure that we will be able to get to a good place again once he has reached a position of "self-love" again.
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Sep 11, 2011 9:25 AM GMT
    Thanks 11337S

    You gave me some things to think about as have you all to be honest.
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    Sep 11, 2011 2:05 PM GMT

    Hey Kage, when you replied with this I grinned.

    "Yes.
    I need to be shown that I am attractive and found sexually attractive.
    The lack of this has done 2 things.
    1) Created a self image problem regarding my partners attraction towards me.
    2) Created a need for others to find me sexually and physically attractive."


    ...because I think it is so natural. I think being the apple of your partner's eye and the reassurance of your partner that you are is one of the most wonderful things about a relationship.

    -Doug