What happened when he moved in?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 12, 2008 8:42 PM GMT
    After more than a two year courtship, the bf is moving in this week. icon_smile.gif We are thrilled to be sharing one roof, excited about what it means for the relationship and life in general, but being cautious about running over the other, losing all our individual space/routine and burning out on each other.

    Do you live with your partner? Have you lived with a partner? Any tips on cohabitation? What works well for you? What mistakes would you avoid repeating at any cost?

    Some of the recent benefits include:
    * We both like to drink from containers in the fridge
    * We both prefer to eat dinner on the couch
    * I am getting WAY more back-rubs icon_lol.gif
    * He unloads dishes, picks up dog poop and makes the bed
    * Waking up next to him

    Some of the recent drawbacks:
    * Dishes tend to stay where they were last touched, not loaded in dishwasher
    * The assumption that I can get all pen ink and grass stains out of all clothing
    * Some pee on toilet seat (I could also be to blame icon_smile.gif
    * Dirty clothes are stored on floor, not hamper
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 12, 2008 11:16 PM GMT
    General advice: Beware the tendency to over-count what you do and under-count what he does.

    You mentioned that he unloads the dishwasher, then maybe it's your job to load it.

    Ask not what more your partner can do for you, but what more you can do for your partner.

    Lastly, get a maid! (:
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    May 12, 2008 11:24 PM GMT
    Always make time and space for yourself. And make sure he has time and space for himself. Otherwise, icon_evil.gif

    That's really what ended my cohabitation. Well, that and we broke up because he wanted to sex other people instead of me.
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    May 12, 2008 11:33 PM GMT
    Don't sleep with other guys in your house icon_smile.gif
    Unless of course you're both ok with thaticon_biggrin.gif

    Be kind to each other. Don't let the little things bother you. They're just that: little things.

    Take turns doing chores, and if one of you hates doing something and the other doesn't mind, then do what works best for both of you.

    Find somewhere safe to hide things from the other one! Living together makes buying gifts for each other ahead of time very difficult.

    Do your best to be happy to see each other when you get home from work, even if it was a really bad day. There's nothing worse than having a really bad day and getting home to someone else who's grumpy and a big downer.

    Have fun and enjoy each other's company!
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    May 13, 2008 12:20 AM GMT


    That's really what ended my cohabitation. Well, that and we broke up because he wanted to sex other people instead of me.[/quote]

    That SUCKS!!! You're better off without him then. God only knows what he might have brought home to you.
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    May 13, 2008 12:25 AM GMT
    RunintheCity saidAlways make time and space for yourself. And make sure he has time and space for himself. Otherwise, icon_evil.gif

    That's really what ended my cohabitation. Well, that and we broke up because he wanted to sex other people instead of me.


    I cannot agree with you more. Make time and space for each other.

    You might try sitting down and writing a list together of simple house rules you both can live with.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 13, 2008 12:26 AM GMT
    Beware the Dutch Oven.
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    May 13, 2008 12:32 AM GMT
    We've been cohabitating....sweet jesus, 9 years now. Here's my little list:

    1. It's not just your place anymore.
    2. Be upfront about your pet peeves. He's not a mind reader and neither are you.
    3. It's not just your place anymore.
    4. Figure out how expenses will be handled.
    5. It's not just your place anymore.
    5. Realize that when one of you is sick, you're BOTH sick, even if it's just metaphorically speaking.
    6. And yes, it's not just YOUR place anymore. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 13, 2008 12:44 AM GMT
    RunintheCity saidAlways make time and space for yourself. And make sure he has time and space for himself. Otherwise, icon_evil.gif

    That's really what ended my cohabitation. Well, that and we broke up because he wanted to sex other people instead of me.


    ...so did we date the same guy or what?! icon_evil.gif

    Patience and understanding are going to be your 2 best friends in the whole thing. And if you 2 click, then everything will work out fine.

    From what I read it sounds like a good match!
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    May 13, 2008 12:49 AM GMT
    No matter what you think, or how much you love this guy, you will both annoy the shit out of each other. Right now it may not seem that way. Ya, the dirty laundry might be obnoxious now, but in a few months you will be cursing under your breath because he brushes his teeth with the water running, or fills a tea kettle with hot water (HOT WATER!).

    Take a breath and prioritize. Work on the things that irk each of you the most and settle into a mutually agreeable level of slovenliness. I am sure you are both upstanding gentlemen, but at home everyone is a pig to some degree. Just be sure to talk about it, realize that neither of you are perfect, and learn to let things go.

    At least, that is how I have survived these years of it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 13, 2008 12:49 AM GMT
    Gigaram said5. Realize that when one of you is sick, you're BOTH sick, even if it's just metaphorically speaking.


    Ahh, good point. Plan on doubling the length of any sickness. That cold won't last one week - it'll last two. Because, just as you're starting to feel better, your caretaker will start sniffling.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 13, 2008 1:12 AM GMT
    Don't take him for granted. Just because he is here now does not mean you should assume he will always be there.
    That is the biggest problem. People get comtable and forget how to make the other one feel loved, wanted, needed and not just someone you live with...

    Tell him, show him everyday how much he means to you..
    Little notes anything...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 13, 2008 1:16 AM GMT
    great thread -- my bf and i are moving in together this summer, and it's a bit nerve wracking. good luck to you guys!icon_cool.gif

    we went to ikea last weekend and looked at storage systems, a rug, and basically we were "that gay couple at ikea". which was fun, but i'd be lying if i said it's all been easy. he's much more of a "nester" and i really don't care that much about "stuff". the process has been a strain and i worry what that says for the future. icon_confused.gif

    BUT we're going for it anyway. wich me luck -- and good luck to you guys!icon_wink.gif


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 13, 2008 1:20 AM GMT
    In all honesty, you'll learn a ton about each other (and probably a few things about yourself, too). Don't let the sad stories above make you too nervous. Living together may end up being the best thing that's ever happened for your relationship.

    Good luck! icon_smile.gif
  • Kevin82

    Posts: 273

    May 13, 2008 1:37 AM GMT
    A good thing to avoid:

    When fighting and holding a door shut, so that your partner can't get in and is forced to sleep on the couch, one should be careful to make sure there is not a large blunt object lying around that could serve as a battering ram.
  • Kevin82

    Posts: 273

    May 13, 2008 1:43 AM GMT
    Pee on the toilet seat? Easy solution, keep the toilet seat up :-D
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    May 13, 2008 2:01 AM GMT
    hobronto saidBeware the Dutch Oven.


    hehehehehe icon_biggrin.gif

    You know your truly loved when your partner does that!

    Its all about sharing icon_biggrin.gif


    Oh and on living with each other.

    Your gonna piss each other off no end, there will be points where you wont be able to stand each other.

    Thats when you go out with friends and get hammered and bitch about him in a playful and loving manner that lets you express your annoyance.

    Then you go home, curl up in bed and wish you where no where else.

    just as everything in life, its not easy but it has many rewards, enjoy the difficulty and the rewards because at the end of the day, its all worth it.

    OH and always be willing to laugh, laughing makes everything seem so much less significant!
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    May 13, 2008 2:06 AM GMT
    Learn how to get really angry and fight appropriately.

    Don't hold shit back.

    Because you love each other does not mean you are identical in your likes, dislikes. Talk to each other until you think you are sick of talking. Then talk some more.

    Get a housekeeping or maid service.

    Decide how much you both feel you can comfortably contribute financially to the relationship. Set up a housekeeping checking account for what you do together, and a separate one for saving/planning for the future. USE THEM.

    Even if you are not there, out of town on business, whatever: Call twice a day. Preferably morning and night.

    "Dance like no one is watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no one is listening, and live like it's heaven on earth." - Wm Purkey



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 13, 2008 2:20 AM GMT
    Hey Pdx,

    Congratulations on your cohabitation. Like a lot of other people have said here -- pick your battles. Some things you have to live with, like I have, like clothes on the floor or leaving dirty dishes around. You just get used to that sort of thing. Like a friend of mine said, "Don't sweat the small stuff." icon_wink.gif

    Some things are not negotiable like texting in bed while I'm trying to sleep icon_evil.gif

    My partner and I are buying our first house together. We take possession June 2nd and I'm really happy for both of us. It's very stressful but it's something you have to go into with a plan and make sure all the lines of communication are open.

    Communication breeds success in a relationship.

    Bill

    P.S. For my Canadian friends and those in the States that are in states with common-law equivalence for same-sex couples -- get a cohab agreement. It's the best $350-500 you will spend. Just sets everything out and you know where everyone stands going into a relationship where you're living together. icon_smile.gif
  • docmarvy

    Posts: 122

    May 13, 2008 4:02 AM GMT
    hobronto saidBeware the Dutch Oven.


    Or enjoy it if you're into that type of thing.

    Seriously, if you're on the same wavelength, if you're really crazy about each other on a pretty consistent basis, then it could possibly be the best thing that ever happens to you. It certainly was for me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 13, 2008 4:06 AM GMT
    Gigaram saidWe've been cohabitating....sweet jesus, 9 years now. Here's my little list:

    1. It's not just your place anymore.
    2. Be upfront about your pet peeves. He's not a mind reader and neither are you.
    3. It's not just your place anymore.
    4. Figure out how expenses will be handled.
    5. It's not just your place anymore.
    5. Realize that when one of you is sick, you're BOTH sick, even if it's just metaphorically speaking.
    6. And yes, it's not just YOUR place anymore. icon_smile.gif



    Here allow me to reiterate, it's NOT your place anymore!


    One GENERAL we keep is DO NOT TAKE EACH OTHER for granted EVER!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 13, 2008 4:39 AM GMT
    You guys crack me up and are very sweet. Thanks for keeping the thread alive. And, thanks for the great advice!
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    May 13, 2008 10:20 AM GMT
    To add to what ITJock stated -- get a "house" joint checking account and use it to pay for house stuff (utilities, food, etc) and, if possible, contribute equally to it. They you each keep your own private/existing account.

    The finance thing can take some time to get comfortable with and while there may be an inclination to throw all your money into one pot, I'd really recommend against it -- at least until you've lived together for a while. Not only is it a lot harder to untangle if things go south, but once it's all in one pot, different spending habits can give rise to anxiety that wasn't there before.

    Try to keep this joint account, within reason, with a zero balance. In otherwords, just put enough in there to cover bills and such -- don't try to accumulate anything in it (well for expenses more than a month out).

    You can always revisit the arrangement after a year or so, but at a time of transition like this, a slightly conservative approach toward finances may help while you navigate all the other fun popups involved in moving in together.

    Worked for me (for 11 years :-)

    Gerry
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 13, 2008 10:26 AM GMT
    It's all gonna depend on the personality of you two guys
    sometimes it works out well
    two people together mesh without any problem
    My two Ex's were very much like me
    two type A personalities who like everything in their place

    or the two of you will get on each other's nerves about everything
    I could never live with a guy who liked to lay around the house and do nothing all day or one who was an unrepentant slob
    icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 13, 2008 10:37 AM GMT
    There's alot of great input from you guys on this thread,

    I have a question;

    Aftermoving in together( it's been almost 2 years now), my BF claims that since we live together all of the things in the apartment are now equally his ( he didn't have many belongings when we moved in ), I say what was mine before our relationship is still mine, what was his is still his and what we bought together is ours.

    any thoughts?