Not sure about a guy I'm seeing (need older guys to chime in LOL).

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2011 8:03 AM GMT
    So I been hanging out with this guy a few times lately. To recap, he's 40 y/o, athletic and I like being around him.

    But I don't know...it seems like whenever I'm around him he's really attentive and seems to enjoy my company. Usually it's just hanging out at his place, but we've also gone out and caught a movie as well (first guy I've met in over a year that's taken me to the movies). And he's also cooked for me as well, we have GREAT conversations. There's never a dull moment when we're together. We can talk about anything and everything.

    However, even though he initially hit me up first...It seems like I always have to initiate us meeting up. I feel compelled to text him to ask to meet up. Like he doesn't even text me out the blue. I'm just paranoid that if I don't text him to meet up, that he'll never ask. It kind of bothers me a bit that I've been the one to ask to meet even though he says yes everytime.

    I know it's silly to think that way, but that's how I am. Also, his work schedule is different as well. He works weekends, and gets a couple days off during the week.

    Part of me thinks he's happy to see me because it's easy and convenient for him for me to come over, but another part understands his schedule and he really likes having me over.

    Tonight we were together and I said, "so guess I'll see you over YOUR weekend"...and he said yes but then says, "oh I forgot, this week is crazy. I only get 1 day off this week". Which was almost like he was telling me no.

    I don't know if I'm being needy or if maybe my gut is telling me to be cautious. Or maybe I just need to back off and let him ask me out next time. I don't know. I just wish I'd get more attention not just when I'm around him but when we're not around also. But reason I say older men is because I find most older guys don't 'chase' as much...I mean, they do chase, initially. But once things get steady they don't really be calling to ask me out. They are busy with work, working on their house, going to Costco, working in the garden...and seems like they get too busy and forget about me. But when I do ask to see them, they gladly take up on the offer icon_confused.gif

    What do you think? Am I being too demanding? Or does it seem that the guy may just be using me for fun? I was going to bring it up to him tonight, but I'd hate to seem like I'm "about drama" and end up pushing away a good thing over something that may just all be in my head.

  • slimnmuscly

    Posts: 541

    Sep 12, 2011 1:24 PM GMT
    I think you should stop keeping score and keep enjoying your time together.

    It's early in the relationship. The fact that it's easy and convenient for you to come over is absolutely part of your appeal to this guy. But if he didn't enjoy your company, having you over would be neither easy nor convenient. If your relationship goes deeper, he'll want to spend more time with you even when it's not easy and convenient.

    Besides, a lot of older guys prefer to let the younger guy take the lead on calling, making plans, etc., out of respect for the younger guy's freedom and not wanting him to feel tied down.
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    Sep 12, 2011 2:57 PM GMT
    Without knowing too much detail about your personality or what you might bring to a potential relationship, I would advise you not to "bring this up tonight".

    It is the perfect way to derail something that is moving along nicely.

    It might be worth noting that many professionals have "seasons" where work is more demanding. At such times, one's job may become one's top priority. Perhaps you met him during one of those harried times. Instead of talking about your needs and why he isn't communicating more with you, why not provide him with a supportive ear.

    In addition to that, however, it is possible that you are overthinking the lack of texts from him? Many individuals in their 40s or 50s don't enjoy texting. (Some profoundly disapprove of it for a variety of reasons.) He might be one of those.

    One final thought about seasons of a different kind....And you mentioned this, so I can tell that you are an empathic and intuitive young man.

    Although age generally doesn't matter for many couples, you and your friend are at different seasons of life. We prioritize things differently as we move through life. The things that we are willing to devote our all consuming attention to when we are in our twenties (ie. a new romance) aren't necessarily at the same priority level in our 30s, 40s, 50s. etc.

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    Sep 12, 2011 2:59 PM GMT
    Age does matter. And you actually decribed why it does.
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    Sep 12, 2011 3:04 PM GMT
    Thanks, Dallas. I amended that sentence just as you were typing your response. I completely agree, and wanted to diminish the likelihood that my remark be seen as too general.

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    Sep 12, 2011 3:04 PM GMT
    Well its okay i think but yeah try to stop asking him .. just let him do it .. but don't disconnect urself with him .. just u can text him with ''Miss you'' or anything else .. icon_smile.gif and lucky ya .. am always into older guys .. they r less silly .. sane .. make u feel like a king ...wise
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    Sep 12, 2011 3:23 PM GMT
    Some guys just don't like initiating contact even they have an overwhelming attraction to the other person. Also, guys who have reached some level of emotional maturity don't get too excited or anxious about dates, etc., especially if the relationship is still developing. I'm one of those guys so I know whereof I speak. Take it one day at a time, keep doing what you're doing, and enjoy each moment. If the guy really likes you, I can assure you that something positive will happen ultimately. Don't give up.
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    Sep 12, 2011 3:29 PM GMT
    Interesting. As a much much older guy and a generation older than the two guys above me, I thought I might have a couple comments to add. I agree with all the above except the comment about texting. I’m a prolific texter, but much of that has to do with my business and using every conceivable minute of the day productively. I know many my age who won’t use it so don’t worry too much about that.

    Many of us have had a really rough last couple of years with business and realize that this is our last chance or we won’t be retiring so our priorities are focused on something else besides love.

    Another factor is that maybe our libido isn’t quite what it used to be plus given that we’ve had some difficult relationships in the past so we’re real careful about getting into new relationships.

    A third factor is that we tend to want what we can’t have and given his age, he’s probably well aware of that so he might be real careful how much interest he shows simply not to lose you.

    My advice is similar to the two above in that maybe just enjoy what you’ve got and don’t worry about it. If it works, it will work itself out.

    EDIT: I meant the first two posters


  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Sep 12, 2011 3:33 PM GMT
    Older guys are really no different than younger guys in that, IF they are truly into a guy, they WILL make the time to see him. That being said, based on what you have said, my guess is that he's just not that into you. Your attempts to force something will only push him away sooner. If a guy makes going to Costco more important than spending time with you, I think you have your answer.
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    Sep 12, 2011 3:41 PM GMT
    Cairo_M saidWell its okay i think but yeah try to stop asking him .. just let him do it .. but don't disconnect urself with him .. just u can text him with ''Miss you'' or anything else .. icon_smile.gif and lucky ya .. am always into older guys .. they r less silly .. sane .. make u feel like a king ...wise


    Ohhh, don't bet on the "less silly". I'm terrible during and after working out. I blame it on the endorphins. I think that's why I have so many 18-21 yr old gym buddies.

    That age group almost exclusively uses texting. I used to laugh at my nephew about his 10,000 texts per months and now I’m at 3,000 or so.
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    Sep 12, 2011 3:43 PM GMT
    Its not unnatural for you to wonder why he doesn't initiate contacts, but I wouldn't make it an issue. Say something simple like 'well I know your very busy over this next week, so I'll just wait to hear from you when your time allows". "maybe add with a wink, don't wait to call me for three weeks either" and then laugh it off !!! He may give you a clue then, but if not, Then leave it at that, let him make the next move, maybe he'd like space for a while with all he's got going on with work and only one day to chill.
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    Sep 12, 2011 3:43 PM GMT
    if he were really into you he would initiate contact. I would have to surmise that he's not really into you.
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    Sep 12, 2011 3:43 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidOlder guys are really no different than younger guys in that, IF they are truly into a guy, they WILL make the time to see him. That being said, based on what you have said, my guess is that he's just not that into you. Your attempts to force something will only push him away sooner.


    Or he knows better.
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    Sep 12, 2011 3:44 PM GMT
    realifedad said Its not unnatural for you to wonder why he doesn't initiate contacts, but I wouldn't make it an issue. Say something simple like 'well I know your very busy over this next week, so I'll just wait to hear from you when your time allows". "maybe add with a wink, don't wait to call me for three weeks either" and then laugh it off !!! He may give you a clue then, but if not, Then leave it at that, let him make the next move, maybe he'd like space for a while with all he's got going on with work and only one day to chill.


    Good idea.
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    Sep 12, 2011 4:12 PM GMT
    Are you guys having sex? If not, then he may be viewing you as a good hang-out buddy, for those occasions when he has time to hang out. Nothing wrong with such a relationship, it just changes the equation of what to expect from him, more a guy friend than a boyfriend. But he is definitely gay, right?

    It's normal at your age to be more impatient than a man in his 40s. It's normal for the older guy to have a more deliberate, less urgent and slower-paced personal routine and approach to life. That's not to say that he isn't busy, especially with his work, but in his private life you'll often see different pacing than the 20-year-old has in his own.

    And as you've further observed, older guys, at least until retirement, tend to have their days more occupied than many younger ones. He probably really does have to mark you into his calendar, and his schedule may be subject to change, anyway. Hell, even my partner & I do that with each other, and we live together! LOL!

    As for texting, it's already been mentioned that some people avoid texting. My partner & I sure do, hate it, hate when somebody sends us one. Then we're obliged to reply back, by the worst means of personal communication I've ever used -- I'd rather try semaphore flags.

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    Sep 12, 2011 4:21 PM GMT
    I wondered also......I guess it has not gotten to the point of sex. Perhaps you should have that conversation with him if you want it to go there. And yes lay off the texting.

    Anybody----as a general rule--who will not recip with calls and dates is not really into it. By the way, movies are lousy things to do on dates----no communication between parties there at all. Sounds like you need more interaction, not less.
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    Sep 12, 2011 5:02 PM GMT
    MochaMuscle saidI don't know if I'm being needy or if maybe my gut is telling me to be cautious. Or maybe I just need to back off and let him ask me out next time. I don't know.


    Not knowing the entire dynamic between the two of you it is tough to say. I am 42 and when I am "into" somebody I definitely let them know that they are on my mind; a quick phone call even to voice mail, a text to say "have a great day" something... When I am not "into" someone I let them say things and I respond. The confusing part is that he makes time for you.

    Your situation is difficult and it bears giving it some more time to read and figure out. Just be cautious, don't appear to be too clingy and see where it goes. At this point I think it is too early to pull chocks and dart. But if his lack of attention outside of when you are physically together really bothers you, perhaps you need to keep fishing and find someone that gives you what you want and not settle for what you may already have...

    ... my two cents.
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    Sep 12, 2011 5:50 PM GMT
    Thanks for the replies. OK so it certainly makes sense but wow that getting close to retirement just dawned on me LOL (although I knew a guy who was actually semi-retired and he was seeing a 25 y/o guy for a few years now). That was one of the few older/younger relationships I seen really go for awhile.

    Well....as far as sex, yes we pretty much do it everytime we meet LOL. And actually, it kind of started off as a 'hookup' but then we started talking and then he showed me around his place and invited me to come back over. And so after that we just got into each other.

    But I'm not putting too much emphasis on the sex part. I realize older guys see sex as less disposable than guys my age. You can have sex with an older guy on the 1st date, and it have no bearing on their getting to know you. Matter of fact, seems like when they do have sex...they want to get to know you more.

    Of course it's general though not everyone operates the same.

    Oh btw...I actually came home when I wrote this because he had to work super early in the morning and I wasn't about to do it. I only sleep over on his off days.
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    Sep 12, 2011 8:24 PM GMT
    Forty sometimes are the hardest age group to date I have found. That age group is "very single" if they arent in a relationship and there isnt much room
    In a "very single " guy's life for a significant other. Your age group is the easiest to date because you are kinda looking for a relationship and aren't jaded yet.
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    Sep 12, 2011 8:33 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidForty sometimes are the hardest age group to date I have found. That age group is "very single" if they arent in a relationship and there isnt much room
    In a "very single " guy's life for a significant other. Your age group is the easiest to date because you are kinda looking for a relationship and aren't jaded yet.


    Well it kind of makes sense of how people end up in sexless marriages and the wife never wants to put out.

    But on the bright side, 40s guys need a younger guy like me to provide that steady action. But hell...I'm convinced that guy has a higher libido than I do LOL.

    But like I've mentioned in the past, this guy isn't one of the party on the weekends 20 year old 40s guys. He seems more grounded than that. And therefore, more trustworthy.

    Older guys who frequent bars can be very finicky...just like the ones my age. Not that it's the point of this thread...
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    Sep 12, 2011 8:42 PM GMT
    MadeNUSA saidif he were really into you he would initiate contact.


    QFT.

    Never make a priority of someone who only makes you an option. It's okay to be the one who initiates most of the time. Not okay to be the one who has to initiate every time.

    My guess is physically he enjoys the sex, but emotionally he could get along without you just fine. I've been on both ends of the equation, unfortunately. icon_cry.gif

    The excuses -- work, schedules, age diference, libido -- are BS. If someone wants it, really wants it, they'll find time. Period.

    Were I you, I would not bring it up: just wait for him to initiate contact. If he doesn't, then you'll know where you stand. Then ask yourself if you're okay just being his fuck bud. If yes, then give your dick, but guard your heart. Speaking from experience, I would caution against falling for someone whose interest in you is based on convenience, not attachment.

    And be honest with yourself: if you're not okay with just being a convenient lay, then run away now and save both yourselves the drama.

    P.S. In his defense, I find it takes longer for older more experienced guys to build attachment, and younger guys cling more quickly. So maybe the problem is our youth and clinginess (I'm speaking to myself also) and not their detachment, and maybe he will catch up to you later if you don't scare him away now. But I still would require he initiate contact every now and again. Reciprocity is only fair.

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    Sep 12, 2011 9:12 PM GMT
    TroyAthlete said
    QFT.

    Never make a priority of someone who only makes you an option.


    LOL, not to shoot down the answer...but I think that cliche doesn't quite fit in this though. I'm not making him a priority (as I'm still meeting other guys and living my life) and I don't feel I'm an option (because he obviously enjoys me company and I don't feel I'm competing with anyone else).

    But I would just like him to initiate something at some point. Like I said, he initially did twice now (once a few months ago, and again when we reconnected out the blue few weeks ago).




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    Sep 12, 2011 9:23 PM GMT
    MochaMuscle said
    TroyAthlete said
    QFT.

    Never make a priority of someone who only makes you an option.


    LOL, not to shoot down the answer...but I think that cliche doesn't quite fit in this though. I'm not making him a priority (as I'm still meeting other guys and living my life) and I don't feel I'm an option (because he obviously enjoys me company and I don't feel I'm competing with anyone else).


    Ah, then there's no problem. *shrug* icon_cool.gif

    Just keep doing what you're doing. Or not. Seems like it will be no skin off of your back, or his. You've got other guys, and he's got you at his convenience, so who cares who initiates? No biggie.
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    Sep 12, 2011 9:37 PM GMT
    If he's anything like me he enjoys the thrill of the chase both as chaser and "chasee." you are doing all the chasing and are probably a bit too insecure to back off a bit and test to see if he pursues you. But that is my advise to you: lay off and give him the opportunity to pursue you. If he doesn't contact you within a week or two, you have your answer.
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    Sep 12, 2011 9:52 PM GMT
    I recommend asking him how he's feeling, instead of asking us icon_smile.gif

    Isn't openness and healthy communication the basis of any good relationship? That starts from the beginning...