The World crushing down on my shoulders...

  • Rex001

    Posts: 3

    Sep 12, 2011 2:33 PM GMT
    Hello al my name is Rex and i have something to share, i do not know why i write this since im not good at writing, i do not seek sympaty nor of any kind, i just ask you to listen to my life story. (The replu below holds my problem) If u dont want to read, go down to the first reply.. =)

    Im 18 now and from the year of 13 life have alwyas been against me.
    Since i discoverd i was gay i got very insecure and that lead to that i had probelms socially to talk with people.
    When you get shy like that it's easy for people to take advantage of it. For once i had this guys who picked on my everyday, and eather he challanged me in public or talked behind my back. Make no mistake, i have a well trained body and im quite tall so i could have made him back down, but at that point i was to down to mentally be strong enough to stand up for myself. Which in time came to rutin so in the end i couldnt stop it.
    With me to this school i had some friends which i had been with since i started school and we were close, or atleast i thoguht so. When i was 15 i got stabbed in the back(socially) by them several times. I don't know why, i guess its group pressure. Some days everything was fine, but others were really bad. And you develop this blob in your stomach, i can't describe the feeling since yo have to have experienced it to understand. One of my best friends i actually had some sex experiences with, like just boys trying out you know. but in time it destroyed ou friendship, Instead of hangin out it was more have sex and then leave...I regrett that...
    Also, a year after when i was on my last year before high school my dad got a stroke, i woke up one morning by the room flashing in blue from lights outside the window. I got up and found my mom cryin, she was really scared, my brother who's 12 didnt say anything, he was so chocked he proberly didnt understand what was going on. I knew also that i had to stay strong, if i family would aswell, so i forced every feeling back faar down, as i did trough school every time. My dad survived though and he's back to normal now, but he will have to take medication his whole life forward, and there is a chance he could get a restroke.
    The shit in school continiued and i nearly punshed the guy once but as normal i didnt. I have like this "barrier" in my had that prevents me from being mean or fighting somone, everytime i back down. Also i always sacrifice myself for my friends, and what did i ever get back? Nothing...
    You would think this is bad enough, but it's faar from over, 2 months later my mom said to uss as we were sitting having dinner that she was going to have a Surgery. She had feelt a strange knot near her throat and went to the doctor who said that she had a defect on her thyroid glands. LItterly they had to cut her throat open, remove the 2 glands and then to compensate she would have to take meds aswell her whole life. Aswell she is fine now and lives healthy. But knowing your mom is on the table with the chance of her not comming back...and already with the probs i had, i was on the line to break. I never showed anyone or talked about it. I didnt want to trubble my family nor look weak. Im always this calm guy. I do not cry for pain, ive done martial arts for quite awhile now and taken hits and blows, and broken my ankle. But for the first time in years when i was showering i just broke, i actually cried. Must have been for an hour, then i whiped al off and went out as nothing had happend. Again i had to stay strong for my family. And as i said she made it which i thank god for now if he exist. Im not really a believer.
    The start of highschool...
    it was amazing, i was like a new person, everyone was talking to everyone, no shit going around school, and everyone was friendly. I decided to become the person i always wanted. "one in the group". Still i had some social difficoulties but i tried as best as i could. Though i never really made any close connections and even though im fully accepted in class i do not have any "really close" friends to talk to. I mean, sure they say talking about feelings is wusssy, but everyone need it once in awhile. I though never had that luxury.
    The real turning point of my life was when i was on a gay Chatroulette looking for people to eather talk or you know "cam" with. I found this guy( who ironicly didnt show his face but his lower...(still with pants on though haha. Im 17 years old now. And after awhile we exchanged skype. i had friends but i had never talked to a gay guy. And we talked...oh we talked, about al things in the world, first we were friends, he was like me, have had some tough times for diffrent reasons and we grew closer...And he became my guy. And i so love him. And the feeling i got from hearing his words, "I love you" was proberly one of the best sensations iv'e ever had. I felt like i could fly. We could talk from 8 in the evening to 6 next morning, eather about our or anything...and it was so good. he was from Germany, and i was from sweden. And yes you can judge uss for not knowing anything and hooking up on a mere site mostly used for sex. But i love him, and whatever the world says i wont back down on it. After awhile the amazing moment came when we got the idea to see eachother for real. In the Autumn holidays im going down there for 10 days, with him, his family were away so we would be al for ourselves....It was just unreal...^^.
    He even saved me and my friend once...and he wasnt even there, so strange isnt it? how somone so faar away can save uss. Il tell you how.
    i was out camping with some friends, Me, a guy who i knew well and 3 girls. We were going on moped to camp. after when we were going home, the guy left and i was going with the girls since i needed to give one of them a ride home. When we were nearing the village it happend, we were going on 2 mopeds, me on one and she on the other, both having a passanger behind uss. And She accedently crashed into me fwhen trying to pass me, on the was paved, and suddenly i was on a colision course with a tree....I managed to a miracle to spasm my fot enough to hit the breaks and we stopped just before the tree....We didnt even think...i looked up towards the road....They werent there....To fear i saw the 2 girls lying on hte side of the road, luckely on the grass but one of them had been thrown faar (atleast 6 meters away) and the other lied on hte grass with the moped over her. me and the girl behind me dropped evrything....we ran, so fast, ive never runnned that fast before. We come forth, i don't know what to do...I see the girl that had been thrown away that she stood...Her leg had those really terrible burn injuries from her leg being pressed towards teh mopeds exhoust system....But she stood so she was alive...we went tothe girl lyin down and took of her helmet...she was just..shocked..and didnt say a word first...she was al dirty...dirt in her face..and her mouth..and jsut everywhere...And as we got of her helmet...she just..made this scream you know, like something is really hurting, this was when i paniced....i didnt know what to do...she layed there screaming...cryin, and the freind who was behind me broke aswell because she didnt know what to do....I held the hurt friend i had, and said to her to take it calm, she was hyperventalating so i tried to make her breath slowly...I so was near to break aswell...You know the thought that goes trough your mind at that she going to make those....She said she couldnt move her leg...i just coudlnt think....i knew that i needed to calm myself so i tried to think of something i thought of my guy, and al hte good moments we had...and the next second i had my head clear...i gave the hurt freinds hand to the girl who sat crying, and went up and called the ambulance.... They came quick, and took uss al to the Hospital emergency c
  • Rex001

    Posts: 3

    Sep 12, 2011 2:41 PM GMT
    Other. She is fine now but She got to train for atleast 5 years more...if i hadnt called the ambulance...she would had been crippled for life,

    My worst mistake though that i so fear and about somehting that happend this Saturday...My Boyfriend was out volounteering in gemrany so he wasnt on Skype, And this is one month before we are going to see eachother.
    I was on chatroullette to i usually am, nothing more, But that night it happend, in the middle of the night it went to far, i did do it with somone..trough cam...and i regrett it so much....I betrayed him...and now i have to tell him. I will not live in a lie...he deserves better...proberly much better than me.He is an amazing....Im so afraid he will leave me....I know he loves me alot, everytime we went on he gave me that smile..and was just so happy....I love him with al my heart...believe what you wish...judge me...say that you cant cheat on somone you love....I did it...but i still love him...just the sensation of hearing those words...i love you....its the best feeling ever.... If he leaves me..then perhaps it's for the best...i dont deserve him...but i still love him...i would do anything for him....if he said jump of a cliff...i would, if he said anything i would do it...i guess thats love...beyond reason and rasionalismm..I feel like al those moments we spoke about...when i would come down and see him for the first time..The first falling asleep by his side in bed at night....and waking up with him beside me....that is al i could wish for....that is my meaning of life...what have kept me fighting for so loong against al shit that has happend...
    I will tell him tonight...And i will make him listen to my every word...and then i will let him speak, whatever he says i will agree...If he leaves me. i wish he will find hisTrue love, if he forgives me....which i will never ask since i dont deserve it...I will be the best guy he ever had...I promiese this...Thank you for listening...and whatever you say or think of me...I Love him..and nothing will change that...

    So is there hope for uss? Will it ever be the same?
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    Sep 12, 2011 3:44 PM GMT
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2011 4:04 PM GMT
    Rex, your online BF didn't save your friend; you did. You thought of your Love, and it calmed you enough that you didn't panic.

    As for cyber (web-cam) sex, I have this question; Did you both decide together to be monogamous before this happened?


  • Rex001

    Posts: 3

    Sep 12, 2011 4:28 PM GMT
    Yeah, we were only for eachother. none else, and i promiesed him this, So i know its my screwup, just have to hope for the best tonight...
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    Sep 12, 2011 4:30 PM GMT

    We're available for you later, then, if you want to talk about how it went.

    -us guys