Best witty line heard or said

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    Sep 15, 2011 4:35 PM GMT
    This might have been asked before: what is one of the best humourous and witty lines you've either said of heard? Could be a double entendre - no, I'm not going to tell you young'ngs or hillbillies what this means. 'Look it up in the dictionary' my mother always said, - a twist of words, a clever phrase or an obscure reference that puts a smile on your face. One of mine if from Dorothy Parker: A friend was visiting her in the hospital and Parker put her call light on saying "I did this so we won't be disturbed."
  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Sep 15, 2011 6:04 PM GMT
    When people say "make me a drink " I like to tap them on the head like a magic wand and say "poof! You're a drink."

    Once when an old man was harassing my.boyfriend and me for holding hands/being gay, I yelled right back at him: "Shut your pretty little mouth before I stick my dick in it."
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    Sep 15, 2011 6:36 PM GMT
    Since we're on Dorothy Parker, this is one of my favorite quotes of hers:

    "If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."
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    Sep 15, 2011 7:13 PM GMT
    John Waters has often quoted this expression when a guy tells him he's straight:

    "So is spaghetti 'til you heat it up!"
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    Sep 15, 2011 8:21 PM GMT
    My favorite quote attributed to Dorothy Parker is when Clare Booth Luce invited her to proceed before her by saying, "Age before beauty." Dorothy replied, "Pearls before swine."
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    Sep 15, 2011 8:24 PM GMT
    xanadude saidJohn Waters has often quoted this expression when a guy tells him he's straight:

    "So is spaghetti 'til you heat it up!"


    "So is spaghetti til you get it hot and wet" is SO much better
  • BlackBeltGuy

    Posts: 2609

    Sep 15, 2011 8:25 PM GMT
    Last night, one of my best friends and I were sitting in my living room and
    I said to her, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
    machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
    She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine. She's such a bitch
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    Sep 15, 2011 8:27 PM GMT
    One of my favourites is alleged to have been between Winston Churchill and George Bernard Shaw, by telegram.

    Shaw to Churchill: Am reserving two tickets for the premiere of my new play for you. Bring a friend, if you have one.

    Churchill to Shaw: Impossible to come opening night. Will come on the second night, if you have one.
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    Sep 15, 2011 9:19 PM GMT
    "I've had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it."
    Groucho Marx
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    Sep 15, 2011 9:20 PM GMT
    Blackbeltguy saidLast night, one of my best friends and I were sitting in my living room and
    I said to her, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
    machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
    She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine. She's such a bitch


    That is funny!
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    Sep 15, 2011 9:23 PM GMT


    It's funny because it's true.
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    Sep 15, 2011 9:29 PM GMT
    "I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness." unknown
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    Sep 15, 2011 9:36 PM GMT
    Blackbeltguy saidLast night, one of my best friends and I were sitting in my living room and
    I said to her, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
    machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
    She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine. She's such a bitch



    This is hilarious!

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    Sep 15, 2011 9:40 PM GMT
    Way back when , while I was still a smoker

    I know second hand smoke can kill. Pitty it's so unreliable.

    Another from Dorthy Parker

    "I like to have a martini, two at the very most. After three I under the table, after four I'm under the host"
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    Sep 15, 2011 9:44 PM GMT
    An elderly nurse at a hospital ward was about to administer a jab to a young patient, recently divorced.

    Young patient: I hear that you have been married for over thirty years. What is the secret of your success?

    Nurse (looking at the needle to make sure it was ready): A small prick?

    From Auntie's Bloomers of the BBC's medical soap Holby City.
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Sep 15, 2011 9:49 PM GMT
    Philosopher Voltaire

    On being asked to renounce the Devil, on his deathbed by a priest:
    "This is no time for making new enemies."
  • JP85257

    Posts: 3284

    Sep 15, 2011 9:55 PM GMT
    Basically anything I post on twitter is gold.

    "I can run faster horny than you can scared."

    "When you can do a hair flip with your mullett its time for a haircut, girl."

    "My drinking and smoking taxes pay for your kids education so shut the fuck up."

    "Cheers to the freakin weekend?" Bitch....Its Tuesday.

    "Modern Mexican Art at the PHX Art Musuem? How the f%*k are they gonna get an over-pass in the musuem?"

    "Am I the only one that thinks most of Andrew Christians products are full of lies? I dont wanna feel padding. I wanna feel balls."

    "Feelings are like treasures. So bury them."

    "I do all my own cunts!"
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    Sep 15, 2011 9:57 PM GMT
    Whenever I go home (to the midwest icon_idea.gif ), literally every single time, everyone in my extended family feels compelled to point out how skinny I am/ask me if I've lost weight. It doesn't matter that I currently weigh more than I've ever weighed in my entire life or that weighing 170lbs at 6' tall is completely appropriate.

    So, a couple years ago, whenever anyone commented that I look way too skinny, my response became, "Oh … well, I guess skinny is just a relative measure." And then I'd walk away, leaving them to contemplate whether or not I'd just passive-aggressively called them fat. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Sep 15, 2011 10:48 PM GMT
    FierceEyes saidWhenever I go home (to the midwest icon_idea.gif ), literally every single time, everyone in my extended family feels compelled to point out how skinny I am/ask me if I've lost weight. It doesn't matter that I currently weigh more than I've ever weighed in my entire life or that weighing 170lbs at 6' tall is completely appropriate.

    So, a couple years ago, whenever anyone commented that I look way too skinny, my response became, "Oh … well, I guess skinny is just a relative measure." And then I'd walk away, leaving them to contemplate whether or not I'd just passive-aggressively called them fat. icon_rolleyes.gif


    LOL - just for the official record - YOU don't need to change a damn thing!!!!

    icon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gif
  • hawkeye7

    Posts: 565

    Sep 15, 2011 11:03 PM GMT
    recently when someone asked if I had had some work done I responded "That yes I had, I had my penis shortened so that the rest of you don't feel so inadaquate"
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    Sep 15, 2011 11:09 PM GMT
    cdncuteboy saidOne of my favourites is alleged to have been between Winston Churchill and George Bernard Shaw, by telegram.

    Shaw to Churchill: Am reserving two tickets for the premiere of my new play for you. Bring a friend, if you have one.

    Churchill to Shaw: Impossible to come opening night. Will come on the second night, if you have one.


    Have another Churchill one-liner for you: At a dinner party Winston Churchill purportedly had a few to many drinks and the snobbish Lady Astor was sitting next to him at the dinner table. "Mr. Churchill you are drunk!" she said to him. "I may be drunk" said Winston "But you are ugly. In the morning I will be sober but you will still be ugly!" I like to think at thank point he reached to pour another glass of port or took a sip of his drink.
  • SomeSiciliano...

    Posts: 543

    Sep 15, 2011 11:11 PM GMT

    When people start getting too wordy with a story I like to look under papers, cushions, books...whatever is handy. When they ask "what are you looking for?" I respond...."your point". icon_twisted.gif
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    Sep 15, 2011 11:21 PM GMT
    College professor announces an essay pop quiz.

    Male student objects, "But I'm exhausted from a night of sex".

    The professor responded, "Then write with your left hand".
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    Sep 27, 2011 8:31 AM GMT
    BiItalianBro said
    When people start getting too wordy with a story I like to look under papers, cushions, books...whatever is handy. When they ask "what are you looking for?" I respond...."your point". icon_twisted.gif


    Hehehe. Good one!
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    Sep 27, 2011 8:32 AM GMT
    Beaux saidCollege professor announces an essay pop quiz.

    Male student objects, "But I'm exhausted from a night of sex".

    The professor responded, "Then write with your left hand".


    Ouch! The experience of years from teaching...