I need your opinion

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2011 6:20 PM GMT
    Background, i still live with my parents while I finish my degree. I live in a extreme close minded, southern baptist, bible-belt, small town. My family is extremely conservative and christian. You know the story...

    So 3 days ago I came out to my brother he was shocked and it hit him really hard but he took it really well. I was really proud of him. The next day I came out to my parents, they took it like a car crash. My Dad has yet to look at me and my mom is going off on this 1950's stereotypical mom mode where she tries to lighten the mood by pretending that nothing ever happened running around super happy. Anyways, yesterday my brother and my parents sat down and had a long conversation about the whole situation. They decided that I'm going to go to counseling to try to make me straight, most likely something at a church. My families argument was, "if there is a way for you to be straight don't you want to try?" "You said you don't want this lifestyle because of the ignorance and the persecution so at least try to be straight." Which is somewhat true, honestly I don't want to be gay. If I could press a button and become straight I would take it. Save a whole lot of useless drama and I've always wanted a wife and kids. But the thing is for the first time I actually feel like I know who I am. I've been battling this since I can remember trying to make myself like girls, I just can't. I don't know what to do here guys do I say fuck this i'm not going? Or do I go and give it a try? Or do I go and pretend it works long enough for me to finish my degree and move out?(in about a year) By the way, does anyone know anything about this counseling stuff? Sorry for the long ass story all advice is appreciated.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Sep 16, 2011 7:22 PM GMT
    If you are relying them financially for your college, I'd suggest you meet them halfway and seek counseling at your college. Many off it free of charge. If not, then tell them you'd like to seek counseling outside the church first. You seem somewhat conflicted about your sexuality and a non-biased professional is going to be able to help you better than clergy with an agenda. I don't mean to discount the church, but from what you describe it's only going to make it rougher on you.

    After awhile, I'd suggest you tell them that your focus is on your degree and education and that you want nothing to do with relationships at tuis time. Keep all that to yourself into you are financially independent.
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    Sep 16, 2011 7:24 PM GMT
    You are 21 years old and it should be your decision whether you go to sexual orientation change counseling. Are you living with your parents and are they paying for your education? Even if you are, it should not be a "family decision" but your decision.

    Have you had sexual experiences with other guys, or are you just wanting to? I don't have any experience with such orientation conversions so I can't help you there. I just don't think it's possible, but I think it's better to be who you are than getting married, having children, and having to divorce in a few years.
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    Sep 16, 2011 7:31 PM GMT
    I agree 100% I couldn't have a wife or even gf go through something like that. So for the time being I was planning on faking it.

    Btw, I pay for all my college and I know it should be my decision but when it comes down to it ignorance isn't something that's going to disappear over night for them. I just really care about them and I want to make them happy.
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    Sep 16, 2011 7:37 PM GMT
    If you think being gay is a drama, it is as nothing compared to being gay and trying to live as a straight man. The latter will bring you only misery (but if all you want is to make your family happy, go for it).
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    Sep 16, 2011 7:38 PM GMT
    11337S saidugh, at this thread! if u could push a button and change anything it oughta be to rid the ignorance u have of that stupid ass religion dogma a lot of people are plagued by!

    go and become straight and then let us know how it works out for u so that we can all become str8jocks.


    I'm not saying that I necessarily want to be straight I just want the perks of it. The easy part, but life's not easy. I woulds kill to avoid all this drama shit I'm going through. To get mad at me for that is ignorance in itself.
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    Sep 16, 2011 7:40 PM GMT
    Mil8 saidIf you think being gay is a drama, it is as nothing compared to being gay and trying to live as a straight man. The latter will bring you only misery (but if all you want is to make your family happy, go for it).



    This.
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    Sep 16, 2011 7:44 PM GMT
    Mil8 saidIf you think being gay is a drama, it is as nothing compared to being gay and trying to live as a straight man. The latter will bring you only misery (but if all you want is to make your family happy, go for it).


    I'm not expecting this to work, at all. I'm just hoping this will give me grounds to say I tried but it's not a choice. You are right though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2011 7:55 PM GMT
    Do some google searches on the topic. There have been many horror stories. You don't want to be a victim.

  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Sep 16, 2011 7:58 PM GMT
    Ckfeezy saidI agree 100% I couldn't have a wife or even gf go through something like that. So for the time being I was planning on faking it.

    Btw, I pay for all my college and I know it should be my decision but when it comes down to it ignorance isn't something that's going to disappear over night for them. I just really care about them and I want to make them happy.

    Making them happy shouldn't place a priority over making yourself happy. That's why I suggest you consider counseling for yourself, so you can learn to be confident in the person you are. They should want you to hd happy and healthy as you are and accept that, whether you love a man or a woman. The bulk of their concerns are due to assumptions about a lifestyle you may or may not adopt.
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    Sep 16, 2011 8:07 PM GMT
    jprichva saidThis is a question of personal integrity.

    If you try to go straight, you are going to screw up the life of any woman you get yourself involved with. Is that the right thing to do to her?


    Exactly.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2011 8:19 PM GMT
    Dr. House said that if you could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people. I for one agree.
  • musicdude

    Posts: 734

    Sep 16, 2011 8:54 PM GMT
    this might be a bad idea (idk) but maybe you (alone or with your family) should watch Prayers for Bobby (pretty sure that's the title of the movie). for some reason your situation made me think of it and watching it might give you answers. In no way am i saying you should do what Bobby did but maybe seeing his caracter's reaction and the way he tried to please both himself and his family and how that made him unhappy might help. It might even open your parents eyes to the dangers of pushing to hard and what can happen (in a extreme case) when a child feels unaccepted by his family
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2011 8:56 PM GMT
    Coming to terms with your sexuality is tough, but everyone here has done it. My advice would be to take some pride in yourself and who you are. You're gay, that's a good thing. Don't for a second let anyone make you think you shouldn't be who you are, and don't let anyone think you're unsure or embarrassed by who you are.

    If anything I'd suggest that you ask you parents to seek counselling, not the religious kind, something impartial. They are the ones that need to adjust not you.

    Good luck and bare in mind that although this all seems stressful right now, it's rather trivial once you're on the other side. Grin and bare it and in a couple of years you'll likely be wondering what all the fuss was about.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2011 9:34 PM GMT
    God made you what you are. Why fool around with what He did?
  • conservativej...

    Posts: 2465

    Sep 16, 2011 10:25 PM GMT
    Ckfeezy saidBackground, i still live with my parents while I finish my degree. I live in a extreme close minded, southern baptist, bible-belt, small town. My family is extremely conservative and christian. You know the story...

    So 3 days ago I came out to my brother he was shocked and it hit him really hard but he took it really well. I was really proud of him. The next day I came out to my parents, they took it like a car crash. My Dad has yet to look at me and my mom is going off on this 1950's stereotypical mom mode where she tries to lighten the mood by pretending that nothing ever happened running around super happy. Anyways, yesterday my brother and my parents sat down and had a long conversation about the whole situation. They decided that I'm going to go to counseling to try to make me straight, most likely something at a church. My families argument was, "if there is a way for you to be straight don't you want to try?" "You said you don't want this lifestyle because of the ignorance and the persecution so at least try to be straight." Which is somewhat true, honestly I don't want to be gay. If I could press a button and become straight I would take it. Save a whole lot of useless drama and I've always wanted a wife and kids. But the thing is for the first time I actually feel like I know who I am. I've been battling this since I can remember trying to make myself like girls, I just can't. I don't know what to do here guys do I say fuck this i'm not going? Or do I go and give it a try? Or do I go and pretend it works long enough for me to finish my degree and move out?(in about a year) By the way, does anyone know anything about this counseling stuff? Sorry for the long ass story all advice is appreciated.


    My humble opinion is do not go. You do not need a fog of ignorance to settle over you during this trying time. Not all churches are the same as the "Southern Baptists."
  • conservativej...

    Posts: 2465

    Sep 16, 2011 10:27 PM GMT
    UtahCapita said
    jprichva saidThis is a question of personal integrity.

    If you try to go straight, you are going to screw up the life of any woman you get yourself involved with. Is that the right thing to do to her?


    Exactly.


    This is a comment on JP's comment. He is right. Listen to him.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Sep 16, 2011 11:40 PM GMT
    I have seen that type of counseling do terrible harm to a number of people. If you go to counseling go to a neutral, mainstream counselor and not one who will try to brainwash you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2011 11:43 PM GMT
    ''RUN!!!!!'' cuz that i would do .. and thats why i didn't come out till now .. cuz i know they will do exactly like ur parents ... ahhh unlucky u icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2011 12:06 AM GMT
    I have never understood why some gay men and women tell their family they are gay while they are still living with them. Personally I think it creates way too awkward of a situation for all parties and allows parents one last round of trying to make you into what THEY want you to be all about. Most know exactly how their parents will respond. If you think it's going to be negative save it for much later on in life when you've got your own life.

    The day you move away from mommy and daddy and become a completely self providing man you will quickly learn you are not living on a small island that makes you feel guilt for being who and what you are. The only reason you "hate" being gay is because of the environment you've grown up in which dictates this thought process. You will learn the only person who's acceptance you need is yours. Instead of mind fucking yourself for a year trying to be something you will never fully be ( straight ) so you can finish college can't you suffer through having a good enough paying job to get a place of your own right now so you can start living for yourself? Christain counseling to mindfuck you or a Job and school at the same time to get the hell away from any type of judgement? Get a damn job and drink lots of coffee to finish school. This option will give you exactly what you really need. A real chance to finally grow up.

    I grew up in a similar situation but was smart enough to jump ship as fast as I could and leave home and the parents behind while I stepped out into the big world alone for college. I can't imagine ever looking to my family for acceptance for who and what I am. I'd never give them that type of control over my life. Some day they will be dead and gone and I'd end up pissing on their graves when I realized I spent way too much damn time wondering if Mommy and Daddy were happy with who I was enough so that I stifled the real me. I love my parents. Respect them, but never ever would I allow them to decide if my sexuality is acceptable. I accept it. Their role is to love me unconditionally and call me up and ask for money LOL the money part is true in my case..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2011 12:14 AM GMT
    "Reparative" therapy does not work.... Live your life for YOU. I promise things will get better.... if you want to go to counseling, go to someone who is secular and who has a degree in psychology, counseling or clinical social work.... They will SUPPORT you in being who you are, rather than try to "change" you into something you can't be.

  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Sep 17, 2011 12:38 AM GMT
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2011 12:48 AM GMT
    Since you are asking, you will get a millions opinions and must remember that tinthe end YOU must do what you feel is best. Your famly does love you but they do not understand whatt you are going through. Therapy is great but at a church it may be one-sided and will most likely not be an honest forum for you to air your thoughts. IF, you do go to the church tell you family you will go one time for them...this will be your way of being open to their thoughts but they must likewise be open to who you are. Therapy is the best but only in a non-prejudiced environment. If you could go to a family therapist iina n open-minded setting then everyone can see each others points of view, but in the end YOU are who you are and you are going to deal with it and if they love youtheymust deal with who youa re as you do with them and the people they are......You are opening up to them and I hope they can open up to you and share their thoughts and fears and questions about you....maybe this type of open forum will help everyone deql better with each other....you withthem and them with you. It is not going to go away......You are their son and that is that. Good luck .......
  • slimnmuscly

    Posts: 541

    Sep 17, 2011 1:10 AM GMT
    My parents made me go to a Baptist psychologist to try to de-gay me while I was a senior in high school, but I had been reading all the science on homosexuality I could get my hands on (considerably less than is available today, but still a fair amount) and was able to rebut every argument he tried. I had all the facts at my command and was too strong-willed to fall for any of his manipulations.

    Meanwhile, I was sneaking off to a gay youth group every Friday night, saying I was going to the movies or the mall. I ended up being designated the contact person for new people calling to find out about the group and would have to make up phony identities for each person when my parents answered the phone: "Oh, he's in my physics class," etc.

    Finally the strain became too much, I told them, and we had a showdown in front of the Baptist psychologist. Again I rebutted every point he made, but this time in front of them, until he point-blank asked me, "Do you want to change?"

    I said no, and he looked at my parents, threw up his hands and said, "That's it. At this point all we can do is pray. If you push him any further you'll lose him for good." While obviously a denigrating statement, it was the best outcome I could hope for and probably saved our relationship. (Over the years they have evolved and treated my ex, with whom I lived for four years, as family and still ask after him.)

    So sucking it up and going to that kind of counseling worked out for me, but only because I went into it knowledgeable and mentally strong. I think it's dangerous and will likely result in a huge setback to do it if you're not both of those things.
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    Sep 17, 2011 1:59 AM GMT
    jprichva saidThis is a question of personal integrity.

    If you try to go straight, you are going to screw up the life of any woman you get yourself involved with. Is that the right thing to do to her?


    Heed this. I speak from experience. If I could go back and do it all again, I would have accepted who I am before I did what I did to my ex wife. I don't regret coming out, but I deeply regret putting her through that.

    It's your life, no one elses. If you're not dependent on your parents for college or anything else, why would you even consider what they want to put you through?