a few dates and this guy still hasn't reached for his wallet....

  • TallguyNLA

    Posts: 440

    Sep 17, 2011 4:20 AM GMT
    So I went on a few dates with a guy Im not all that sure about. I decided to just see how things pan out. Im not looking for anything too serious, but one of my pet peeves is going out to dinner and not seeing the other person or people EVER reach for the bill.
    I know this is something very small, but I would think that in the earlier stages of going out with someone you're still putting your best foot forward. ( even though you should always do it)
    Am I just being petty? I dont mind picking up the check at all. its just awkward if the server drops the bill and NEITHER one of us has grabbed our wallets...
    Advice?
  • Neurons

    Posts: 537

    Sep 17, 2011 4:31 AM GMT
    I don't see what's so hard about everyone paying for themselves.
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    Sep 17, 2011 1:57 PM GMT
    Ugh. I hate these types of people. You should say, "do you want to split this check or maybe pay for me this time?" and see what his reaction is to give him a last benefit of a doubt. Being cheap is often learned and can also be unlearned if you call the person out. You shouldn't be cheap with friends and people you care about so if you're on the 3rd + date, it should be moving at least in the "friend" direction.
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    Sep 17, 2011 2:00 PM GMT
    How did you go about the date?

    If you invited him then the golden rule is that you, the inviter, pays.

    I know when I go on dates if I initiated it then I have no problem paying since I'm the one who asked. If my date wants to chip in then I won't stop him but I certainly wouldn't expect him to. If it's reversed then I expect my date to pay and if I want to assist in paying then I hope he'll accept it.

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 17, 2011 2:02 PM GMT
    Not petty.. and your absolutely right to raise it as a concern. My bf and I took turns paying for dinner and we actually still do that. It's his way of
    being cheap.. and instead he's proving he's just a "cheap" sort of guy.
    I'd draw it a red flag.... if you go out again, I'd bring it up in a reasonable way and discuss. If he continues to "cheap out" on you, I'd consider it a deal breaker. I wonder what he'll get you for Christmas!?
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    Sep 17, 2011 2:04 PM GMT
    I would be pissed. If a guy keeps trying to pay for me, I will always offer to pay, at least my half. If I pay every time and he never offers to get the bill or at least split it, I don't know if we will make it past many dates. Some may see that as a stupid reason to stop seeing someone, but I think it says a lot about their personality. I don't want someone that is that inconsiderate.
  • neon_tiger

    Posts: 145

    Sep 17, 2011 2:19 PM GMT
    I always split bill on early stage dates. If he does not reach for the wallet, then i take the check and say something like "Ok, how are we gonna do this- split?" It sends a clear message that i want leverage in a relationship, and his reaction tells me something about what he wants as well. To me, a man that reaches for his wallet is a man that can take care of himself, and thats a desirable trait for me.

    Even in relationships i split checks, unless it has been established that im treating my date, or he's treating me.And usually that comes in the form of "Tonight i wan't to treat you to this amazing place" or "to celebrate your ________ i want to take you to..."
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    Sep 17, 2011 2:26 PM GMT
    DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!! DANGER!

    This guy appears to be along for the ride. Others stated earlier that this is a small manifestation of more serious problems that would most likely surface later in a relationship. Move on before your investment becomes larger than you would feel comfortable making.
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    Sep 17, 2011 2:26 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidIt depends. If you were the one that asked him out to such-and-such place, then really are offering to pay without actually mentioning it. If however you were both hanging and were deciding on some place to go eat together, then you go dutch. And if he asked you out to such and such place, then he should be the one to pay. Don't ask him out again, and see if he asks you out.


    I somewhat disagree that if someone asks you out it means that the person is "offering to pay without mentioning it". The rule is that the guy pays for the for the girl (as in actual female) because in the traditional guy-girl straight relationship the guy is the provider. BUT if two dudes are going out, each of you should have the mindset that you will pay for yourself at the very minimum. And I would argue that if you are a true guy, you should offer to pay for the other guy too. So in the end, you should both be thinking "let me pay for you this time". Every guy, masc or fem, should be thinking this way.
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    Sep 17, 2011 3:49 PM GMT
    It depends.

    Who invited whom? The person that did the inviting should pay

    A mutual decision - bill split unless one person ordered something incredibly more expensive than the other person.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Sep 17, 2011 3:51 PM GMT
    Just ask for separate checks - problem solved.
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    Sep 17, 2011 3:54 PM GMT
    If after a the first few date you've paid the bill, he might assume you're going to pay going forward. Some guys don't "let" their date pay...
  • ATLANTIS7

    Posts: 1213

    Sep 17, 2011 4:18 PM GMT
    l am always the first to reach for my wallet and people take advantage of it but l really don't care and if they want to be mean that's there problem!
    Once bitten twice shy though!
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    Sep 17, 2011 4:36 PM GMT
    I'm all for the Dutch method. I don't like the unspoken expectations that one should pay for the other's share.

    If somebody wants to offer to buy a drink or something small, that's a nice gesture. But to auto assume that somebody should pay for something another person has ordered is, in most contexts, damn rude.

    However, I did date a guy last year who was a lot older than me and had a lot more disposable income, and a love of eating out at chic expensive restraunts most days of the week. He often invited me, and knowing that I couldn't really afford to regularly pay to eat at these places, he covered the bill for both of us. I sometimes paid for drinks in bars or cheaper meals in more affordable take-out outlets etc so it was not all one sided, but most of the time he would pay for me as he liked to go to expensive places, order expensive champagne etc, so our arrangement for paying for things did work out while we were seeing each other.
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    Sep 17, 2011 5:08 PM GMT
    Seems that you might be looking for a reason to not be into him other than "I don't like him."

    It's OK to not like people.

    Look past this for something that might be an ACTUAL reason instead of "he doesn't offer to pay."


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    Sep 17, 2011 8:28 PM GMT
    juishe saidIf after a the first few date you've paid the bill, he might assume you're going to pay going forward. Some guys don't "let" their date pay...

    But the only way to know if you're with one of those guys is if you offer to pay. If you don't even offer to pay or say that you'll get the tab next time, you're acting like a kept man.

    OP it's your fault for not saying something at some point. "Do you want to split this?" or "I'll get it this time" will let the guy know that you're not his sugar daddy or that he's not your escort.
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    Sep 17, 2011 8:32 PM GMT
    It's funny cause when I was in Barcelona the bill was always assumed to be split in half. I never had to worry about this issue.
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    Sep 17, 2011 8:41 PM GMT
    huasqui saidI always split bill on early stage dates. If he does not reach for the wallet, then i take the check and say something like "Ok, how are we gonna do this- split?" It sends a clear message that i want leverage in a relationship, and his reaction tells me something about what he wants as well. To me, a man that reaches for his wallet is a man that can take care of himself, and thats a desirable trait for me.

    Even in relationships i split checks, unless it has been established that im treating my date, or he's treating me.And usually that comes in the form of "Tonight i wan't to treat you to this amazing place" or "to celebrate your ________ i want to take you to..."


    Yup, all the way. I don't jump to conclusions if he doesn't grab the check, but this is on the assumption that we're still just taking our time to exit. I'll ask if he's ready to go and then see what he does. If you agree to go to a place that you can't afford, then you should say something upfront.
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    Sep 17, 2011 8:55 PM GMT
    Well if ur dating boys usually the younger figures the older one in the relatonship pays for the meal and the younger one pays for it in bed. usually from what iv heard haha
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    Sep 18, 2011 12:25 AM GMT
    Next time you go out, don't reach for the bill at all. Don't say anything...just sit there and continue with the conversation until he either reaches for his wallet or asks if you're going to pay. If he does, tell him you had just assumed he was going to get the bill since you've picked up all of the other checks. If he doesn't immediately apologize for his thoughtlessness and pay the bill, get up and leave his ass right then and there.
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    Sep 18, 2011 12:31 AM GMT

    This can apply to gay guys too
  • mrsmithers

    Posts: 213

    Sep 18, 2011 5:32 AM GMT
    I don't care who pays for the first date, It's gone both ways with me, but If I end footing the bill for the first and second one, buhbye... If he calls after that asking to go out on a date, I'll say sure, u got the $$ I got the time.. Simple as that...
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    Sep 18, 2011 5:50 AM GMT
    well if you're the top you should pay,

    j/k LOL

    When I go out on dates, I've never paid, cuz they never want me to pay. And if you ask someone out, you're the one who has to pay IMO.
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    Sep 18, 2011 5:51 AM GMT
    scftnsguy saidNext time you go out, don't reach for the bill at all. Don't say anything...just sit there and continue with the conversation until he either reaches for his wallet or asks if you're going to pay. If he does, tell him you had just assumed he was going to get the bill since you've picked up all of the other checks. If he doesn't immediately apologize for his thoughtlessness and pay the bill, get up and leave his ass right then and there.


    Perfect. I don't have one word to add. This is exactly it.

    I had (and I mean HAD) friends who were a couple. They assumed since I have a good job that I should pay for tabs. They would go to the restroom or sit on their hands when checks came. I just paid the bills a few times. Finally I said, "I've paid the checks enough - next week it'll be YOUR turn, o.k.?" They had to agree. All right next time came and they ordered soup only....cheap bastards. My then partner and I ordered a whole damn dinner, an appetizer first, and a salad, then - after dinner drinks. My 'friends' were sitting there with just their soup............scared shitless about what the tab would be. When the bill came I just grabbed it and took care of it - thus letting them off the hook. Then one of them said to the other, "We could have had a whole meal." After that I just dropped them. They were sponges.
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    Sep 18, 2011 5:52 AM GMT
    Heh, I had the opposite problem a little over two years ago. I briefly dated a guy who kept insisting to pay for me for everything from restaurants, to the aquarium, to a couple trips, and so on. He even got me a lot of little gifts. Although I'm sure some guys would love this kind of treatment, I most certainly did not. I definitely felt like he was trying to buy my love. I found it rather insulting to my pride. Needless to say I let him go after a month of dating. But hey, it worked out in his favor since he found a good boyfriend two months later!