Time for New Jokes

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2008 12:18 AM GMT
    Hasn't been a new joke forum in awhile. And thought this one was great! Feel free to add your own icon_biggrin.gif

    A five-year-old boy and his Grandfather are sitting on the front porch together,

    Grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler. The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a beer?'

    Grandpa replied, 'Can your pecker touch you're ass?' The little boy answered, ''No Grandpa, It's just a little pecker!'

    Grandpa said, 'Then you're not man enough to have a beer.'

    A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar. The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a cigar?'

    Once again, Grandpa asked, 'Can your pecker touch you're ass?' The little boy answered 'no,' again.

    Grandpa said, 'Then your not man enough to have a cigar.'

    A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.

    Grandpa asked, 'Can I have a cookie?' The little boy asked, 'Can your pecker touch you're ass?'

    Grandpa replied, 'Well, yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!'

    The little boy said, 'Good. Then go fuck yourself! Grandma made these for me.'



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2008 12:36 AM GMT
    how many jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?





    none


    "nono, no need for you to do it and change your BUUUUSy schedule. i'll be fine sitting in the dark"
  • Hagan_F

    Posts: 210

    May 15, 2008 1:11 AM GMT
    jms84 saidhow many jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?





    none


    "nono, no need for you to do it and change your BUUUUSy schedule. i'll be fine sitting in the dark"




    EXACTLY!
  • Thirdbeach

    Posts: 1364

    May 15, 2008 1:16 AM GMT
    How many Mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?




















    Two: but don't ask me how they would get in there.

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    May 15, 2008 1:39 AM GMT
    a man walks into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and says "you've got 1 minutes to get out of here before the place blows" a tortoise in the back shouts "YOU BASTARD!!!"



    I was watching tv one day when my father came into the lounge room and my brother slipped in it!
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    May 15, 2008 1:42 AM GMT
    A man and duck walk into a bar...
























  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2008 2:43 AM GMT
    Thirdbeach saidHow many Mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Two: but don't ask me how they would get in there


    Now THAT is funny.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2008 2:57 AM GMT
    Q. whats the difference between a bowling ball and a gay.

    A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

    What in the air that keep the birth rate down in SF. The guys legs.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    May 15, 2008 3:06 AM GMT
    A panda walks into a bar and orders a meal without saying anything. He eats quickly and pulls out a gun fires randomly around the room. The panda then starts to walk out, when the bartender says, "Why on Earth did you do that?" The panda tosses a dictionary in the general direction of the bar and says, "I'm a panda, look it up."

    The panda walks out as the bartender reads the entry for panda, which has a small typo. "Panda: Eats, shoots, and leaves."
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    May 15, 2008 3:21 AM GMT
    Q. Why is it easy for homosexuals to move?

    A. Their shit is always packed.

    Q. What is the difference between a male chauvinist and a homosexual?

    A. A male Chauvinist will admit a women has a use for something.

    Q. Whats the difference between an Dyke and an Elephant?

    A. A flannel shirt, and 50 pounds.

    Q. How many butch dyke's does it take to change a light glob?

    A. In an aggressive tone. ONE ALRIGHT!
  • MattyC0709

    Posts: 1199

    May 15, 2008 8:12 AM GMT
    DCEric saidA panda walks into a bar and orders a meal without saying anything. He eats quickly and pulls out a gun fires randomly around the room. The panda then starts to walk out, when the bartender says, "Why on Earth did you do that?" The panda tosses a dictionary in the general direction of the bar and says, "I'm a panda, look it up."

    The panda walks out as the bartender reads the entry for panda, which has a small typo. "Panda: Eats, shoots, and leaves."

    OMG! That was hilarious! icon_biggrin.gificon_lol.gificon_razz.gificon_wink.gif
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    May 15, 2008 11:29 AM GMT
    A termite walks into a bar and asks " is the bartender here?"


















    icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2008 11:40 AM GMT
    Husband and wife are laying in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"

    The show ends and the husband leans over to his wife and says, "Honey, you want to fool around?"

    The wife says, "No."

    Husband says, "Is that your final answer?"

    Wife says, "Yes."



    The husband thinks for a moment, then says...

    "Well, can I phone a friend?"

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    May 15, 2008 11:46 AM GMT
    Q: What is black, white and red all over?



    A: A nun falling down the stairs.


    Also:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fet0SCt7uGg
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    May 15, 2008 12:17 PM GMT
    Two men are going at it. After they Finnish. One terns to his boyfriend and says: "hey I feel something in my ass..... See if You can feel anything."
    So the boy friend put a finger in his ass, and feels around. :I don't feel anything!" The first guy says no deeper, I'm sure I feel something.

    So his boy friend puts his hand in the guys ass, and feels around. "I'm telling you there's nothing there!" Say Boyfriend. No Really the guy says.

    So the boyfriend puts in his whole arm, in the guys ass. Is feeling around when he touches something.

    Hay I've found something says boyfriend. Well take it out says the guy. The boyfriend pulled his hand out and looks at it, and sees it's a Rolex.

    The guy starts singing happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you..
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    May 15, 2008 1:38 PM GMT
    Woman in labour, shouting the usual shit; Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!,
    she turns 2 her boyfriend and says "you did this to me this all your fault!"

    he replies casually "if you remember, i wanted to stick up your butt but you said "fuck off it'll be too painful" now who's laughing"
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    May 15, 2008 1:51 PM GMT
    a man sitting on a train next to a girl reading a book on sex statistics.

    "any good?" he asks.

    "Fascinating. American Indians have the widest cocks and welsh men have the longest. By the way I'm Jane"

    "hi" he replies "I'm Tonto Evans"
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    May 15, 2008 4:25 PM GMT
    Two NYers are opening a business in Manhatten. They were in the middle of installing all the shelves when they finally decide to take a break. As there were no chairs in the shop, the two NYers sat on one of their completed shelves.

    Wiping the sweat from his brow, one NYer asked the other, "How much do you wanna bet some asshole tourist is going to ask us what we're selling?" The other nodded in agreement.

    Just then, Boudreaux from Louisiana peeks his head into the shop and hollars, "What ya'll sellin'?"

    The NYer said in disbelief, "We're sellin' assholes, asshole."

    Without missing a beat, Boudreaux says, "Keeeeyaaawww! Ya'll doin' a damn good job. I see ya'll got two left."



    icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
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    May 15, 2008 4:31 PM GMT
    what's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?






    you can unscrew a light bulb.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2008 8:51 PM GMT
    What do you get if you put four poofs in a mini minor?

    Four on the floor, and fats all around.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    May 15, 2008 9:37 PM GMT
    A green frog hops into a bank, jumps up on the counter and says to the teller, "I want a loan."

    The teller says, "You'll have to see the loan officer. Her office is down the hall and the name on the door says "Patricia Wack."

    So the frog hops off the counter, down the hall and to Mrs. Wack's office. He jumps up on her desk and says, "I want a loan." Mrs. Wack, quite puzzled, gives the standard line, "We must have something to secure the loan, some collateral."

    At that the frog pulls out a ceramic lion, places it on her desk and repeats that he wants a loan.

    Patricia then asks if the frog has anyone to cosign the loan with him. He responds, "My father, Mick Jagger." Patricia really doesn't know what else to do, so she picks up the ceramic lion and goes into the bank president's office. She places the ceramic lion on his desk, and tells him, "I have this frog in my office who says he wants a loan, and this is what he has to secure it. I don't even know what this thing is. He also wants to cosign the loan with his 'father' Mick Jagger."

    The bank president looks at the ceramic lion, looks at Mrs. Wack, looks back at the ceramic lion and finally says,

    "It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 16, 2008 2:52 AM GMT
    DCEric saidA green frog hops into a bank, jumps up on the counter and says to the teller, "I want a loan."

    The teller says, "You'll have to see the loan officer. Her office is down the hall and the name on the door says "Patricia Wack."

    So the frog hops off the counter, down the hall and to Mrs. Wack's office. He jumps up on her desk and says, "I want a loan." Mrs. Wack, quite puzzled, gives the standard line, "We must have something to secure the loan, some collateral."

    At that the frog pulls out a ceramic lion, places it on her desk and repeats that he wants a loan.

    Patricia then asks if the frog has anyone to cosign the loan with him. He responds, "My father, Mick Jagger." Patricia really doesn't know what else to do, so she picks up the ceramic lion and goes into the bank president's office. She places the ceramic lion on his desk, and tells him, "I have this frog in my office who says he wants a loan, and this is what he has to secure it. I don't even know what this thing is. He also wants to cosign the loan with his 'father' Mick Jagger."

    The bank president looks at the ceramic lion, looks at Mrs. Wack, looks back at the ceramic lion and finally says,

    "It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone."



    This is my best friend's favorite joke ever LOL!
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    May 21, 2008 12:29 AM GMT
    If you put on two tu-tus, you wouldn't really be wearing a four by four.


    and for something a little less cheesy.....


    A man and his son were walking down the street one day. They saw two dogs having sex in a yard.

    The son asked his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"

    Thinking fast, the father said, "Well, son, they are making puppies."

    Every thing was okay for a couple of days. Then, one afternoon, the father was making love to his wife when the son walked in.

    The son asked, "Daddy, what are you doing?"

    Thinking fast, the father said, "We're making you a baby brother."

    The son thought for a moment, then said, "Well, roll her over, daddy, I'd rather have a puppy!"
  • Csrobbie2000

    Posts: 359

    May 21, 2008 4:21 PM GMT
    A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

    The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesnt have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

    The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didnt take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls
    listlessly into bed.

    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

    No, she says, theyre all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.
  • SoDakGuy

    Posts: 1862

    May 21, 2008 4:39 PM GMT
    Jesus walks into the W Hotel in downtown Los Angeles. He goes up to the concierge at the desk and hands him three nails used for putting wooden fences up.

    Jesus says to the concierge, "Say, could you put me up for the night?"