What does "drama" mean when talking about "drama-free"?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2007 5:11 PM GMT
    I read in guys' profiles, all the time, that they are looking for "drama-free" friends, hook-ups and relationships. Just what does that mean? Everyone has some drama in their lives at one point or another. Do you just throw the baby out with the bathwater??? How shallow is that?
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    Jul 11, 2007 5:59 PM GMT
    There's a difference between creating drama and having it occur.

    To give an example

    A few years ago I was talking online to some guy from another province who was moving to my city in a few months. Lo and behold, one night, I see him at a bar, we start chatting and whatnot. I tell him I have to go home because I had class the next day, and as it turns out he lived around the corner from me, so we walked home together. Absolutely nothing happened that night - we walked by his house, said goodbye, we didn't even hug.

    The next day I get a call from him, totally frantic, saying that everyone at the bar last night was saying we went back and had sex.

    my response: "But...we didn't have sex."

    The guy would NOT let it go. He was totally flipping over something someone said that was a lie, and we knew it was a lie.

    To me, that's drama. Creating a useless waste of time. It takes a lot of energy, time, and commitment, and it's not fun. So I personally stay away from it, and tend to keep friends that stay away from it as well.

    Make any sense?
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    Jul 11, 2007 6:04 PM GMT
    true, we'll always have contest and problems, but there's a difference between routine drama and undue, self-inflicted drama as a result of being incapable of any kind of introspection or compassionate honesty that yes indeed you might be the root cause and without being able to become aware of it and admitting it to oneself, it only makes life that much more difficult for people around you. supporting a loved one & tolerating a person's emotional baggage, negativity and pity aren't the same thing! i think i know because i used to be a drama queen but chose another lifestyle :)
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    Jul 11, 2007 6:38 PM GMT
    Drama is actually gay code. It means "I don't want to date/fuck/shag someone who my friends will think is camp/effeminate."

    It's like shorthand for screamer in the same way you see guys using the word "masculine" in their ads.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2007 6:46 PM GMT
    A person inclined to drama, "a drama queen," is basically someone with histrionic personality disorder. Wiki has a decent entry on it:

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    Jul 11, 2007 6:50 PM GMT
    Yeah, to me drama is making a big deal out of something that is ridiculous or stupid.

    If you want an example, come hang out in the chat room for an hour.
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    Jul 11, 2007 6:57 PM GMT
    Von, Von, Von, come one now. The chat room is strictly for those who like to compete by announcing over and over how rich they are, how expensive the car, how much mommy and daddy make, that kind of thing. Oh, wait, hmm, nevermind.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2007 7:02 PM GMT
    you know, i said "tolerating" up there ^^^^ but i meant 'enabling'.

    lmao, von--how so? i mean, the chat room is almost solely fluff. . . .

    yeah, it is pretty obnoxious when certain people visit the chat room and brag about their daddy's will. i don't admire circumstance and inanimate objects. my "respek"'s reserved for sweat, discipline, growth, learning & discovery. . . .

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2007 7:04 PM GMT
    Drama refers to "Drama Queen"

    "Drama Queens" refers to those who can recited every word some old movie staring there favorite female movie star.

    Therefore "Drama Queen" is an indication of a someone who "Flames Out".To draw attention to oneself and this can be kind of awkward if you are tryingto keep a low profile about your sexuality.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2007 7:12 PM GMT
    "Drama Queen" -- vonsooner has it down pat.

    Normal person: "...I have a cold today..."

    Drama Queen: "...I am deathly ill..."

    Normal person: "....I have lots to do today..."

    Drama Queen: "...I have such an awful life. There's so much to do, it's not fair. Other people don't have this much. What did I do to deserve this awful fate..."

    My responses to a normal person: "...what can I do to help?..."

    My responses to a Drama Queen: "...shut the f**k up!..."

    I think a capsule definition is that a drama queen seeks to make his/her life more significant by creating issues of importance when none exist. It's an attention seeking device that is not only obnoxious, but counterproductive.

    I want to know when the people I care about REALLY need help....not when they want me to respond to artifical crises.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2007 7:13 PM GMT
    I mean, of course, that vonsooner's definition is correct, not that he is a "Drama Queen." Geesh...how words quickly typed can get you into trouble...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2007 7:26 PM GMT
    Whaddaya mean I can't "undo" a sent email?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2007 7:34 PM GMT
    No, Mindgarden. Thats a Blond (female)
  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Jul 11, 2007 8:07 PM GMT
    I would presume in the context of hookups it means without emotional baggage. That is, just a hookup, no dating, no calling otherwise, just a fuck.

    In the context of dating it means not making big deals out of things that aren't. It means when you disagree with someone you tell them, figure things out, and move on. It means not holding onto things your partner screwed up for years only to fling them in their face later. It means no mind games.
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    Jul 11, 2007 8:14 PM GMT
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Jul 11, 2007 8:52 PM GMT
    great answers and examples...not sure how much more I am going to contribute to this discussion...

    I tend to shy away from folks with "unnecessary drama"...the kind that really doesn't need to be an issue, but is made one because of poor coping skills...I also believe someone who uses someone elses problems as their own would fit in this definition...

    The older I get...I realize no one pays attention to my life as much as I do...my bad hair days are mine not someone elses...people's behavior is their own and most often they are not doing it "to" me...just "around" me...learning to take things less personally has helped me identify the "unnecessary drama"...

    - David
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2007 9:48 PM GMT
    Everything in your life, good or bad, is of your own doing. Those that don't understand this cause drama.
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Jul 11, 2007 10:28 PM GMT
    "Everything in your life, good or bad, is of your own doing. Those that don't understand this cause drama."

    I'm going to have to disagree with that, the same way I disagree with most absolute statements. While much of my life is the result of choices I've made and actions I've taken, there have been both bad and good things totally beyond my control. There are things which happen to us that are not of our own doing and which are dramatic.

    I hate bringing out an example like this, as I fear it will make it look like I'm playing for sympathy, but my mother died when I was 22. That's a bad thing to have happened to me, and was a fairly dramatic event. It lead to such things as seeing my estranged Aunt who I basically hadn't seen in 8 years because of her massive fight with my mother, a funeral conducted by a fire-and-brimstone preacher of a religion I don't believe in, having to sort through all of her possessions in the short amount of time I had before I moved 3,000 miles away (planned before she even became ill), etc. But much of this was well beyond my control, and it's part of life to deal with things as they come up.

    To me, the idea of drama-free is primarily of being somewhat laid back and not blowing things out of proportion. It's fine and even good for someone's mood to alter some through run-of-the-mill events: you're in a good mood because you just talked to a friend you hadn't seen in a while, you're annoyed because your car got a flat and you were late for some appointment, you're a bit frazzled because you have 10 errands to run today in the time it normally takes you to do 6. It's something else when you scream at the person who cut you off in traffic, you burst into tears when the store closes 2 minutes before you arrive, or finding a $5 bill on the street makes today the BEST DAY EVER! People who go through such severe mood swings, and who make small annoyances or mildly pleasant experiences into huge deals wear out my patience pretty quickly.
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    Jul 11, 2007 10:32 PM GMT
    To me, drama is like a fish that feels the need to make unnecessary negative social and emotional ripples in the pond just to remind themselves that they exist, have some control over something, and that they are important. More well adjusted people just know that.
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    Jul 11, 2007 10:32 PM GMT
    IMHO, people that create drama are in constant need of attention and very self-centered.

    We all have issues and different things we deal with in life. Drama queens love to put it all out there for everyone to see (and hear). They cannot live without drama and will make it up if they have to.

    Also, let's not confuse drama queen with drag queen and guys that are femmy. I've seen drama queens with bigger muscles and more chest hair than many of the Real Jocks on this site.

    When I see them coming, I head for the nearest exit!
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    Jul 11, 2007 10:47 PM GMT
    Quite true MSUBioNerd, but I have friends who I would call very dramatic, but I wouldn't say they have a lot of drama in their lives. Yes, their moods swing faster than mine -- and probably a lot faster than mose and their lives are very colorful, but they don't drive me up a wall. What I think what makes a difference is that they aren't overly narcissistic, and two they are very secure in themselves. Yes, they might be a little histrionic at times, but it doesn't gum up the works or make life around them a drag.
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    Jul 11, 2007 10:53 PM GMT

    Please do not take this to be rude, as I have complete respect for you, and your point of view. However, I am going to use your example and point out what I mean.

    Death is something a bit tricky, as I am of the belief that you do have control over crazy things like that. When someone dies is their choice, or if they are weak willed, the choice of those around them. The mind is the most powerful thing in the world (your mind creates your world as I see it), and with it, you can do and control anything, live forever, fly, whatever. You just need to realize that you are not the only mind in the world, therefore the disbelief of others will effect your own belief.

    So....assuming y'all haven't written me off as crazy, and not even taking all of that into consideration, here is my view on your situation. This is strictly theoretical, and not what I would condone, but at the core, it is an example of how it was all a choice.

    You chose to have your mother in your life. Her death wasn't something that happened to you, it happened to her. You were affected as she was in your life. It was your choice of how to deal with it. You chose to be involved in things outside of your control (Aunt, funeral, etc.). If you had decided you wanted nothing to do with it, your participation would have been minimal, and the effect would have been much less stressful in the short term. From there, how you are effected is still your choice.

    You see what I mean? By saying it is all a choice, I don't expect everyone to chose the path of least resistance, I certainly don't. That could lead to a very lonely boring subdued life. But if you did, you would certainly never have drama in your life.

    I guess what I am saying is that all choices come with responsibility. When you bring someone or something into your life, you invite along everything that can and will come with it. While most people believe you can't control what happens outside of you, you can always control how you react to it.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Jul 11, 2007 11:06 PM GMT
    Drama for me , is when some guy playing tooooo hard to get. He expect me to pursue him. He want me to feed his ego. He want me to tell him how good looking he is, pay him undue attention. He expect me to seranade him with love song, promise him the moon like some kinda old movie like Casablanca. .I know because I use to be one. There nothing wrong of being romantic but not when you cross over to be a flamming queen or some diva from an old black and white movie. Those behavior disgust me . Looking back , some time I am embarrased to behave like that in the past. I have lost some wonderful bf because of it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2007 11:29 PM GMT
    I'd more or less agree with most posts on this topic though I'd point out that a little drama really isn't so bad. There's perhaps an all-too-eagerly embraced Victorian restraint on emotions which we're expected to live up to (in the US)and which may or may not be responsible for the intellectually & emotionally immature climate of the US, past and present. Just to open things up a bit, let me add...

    Concepts of "drama" are culturally/socially conditioned ideas which aren't absolutes. For example, a White (Anglo-Saxon) American Male might find a Southern Italian extremely "dramatic" while they'd also consider Korean gay man "reticent." And though no one asked, I think Americans (in general) have a problem with investing too much energy and emotion (i.e. "being dramatic")in the inconsequential while being glib or flippant about something really grave (people care more about American Idol than the bills their elected officials pass in their names).

    Perhaps all this "drama-free" talk is really code for "no queens/str8acting" shit? While I'll admit, I've had my share of men who frankly got worked up over nothing (a missed phone call, for example), there's more than a whiff of that internalized homophobia in the demonization of the "dramatic." Or maybe I'm acting too dramatic? :)
  • imaxim

    Posts: 94

    Jul 11, 2007 11:46 PM GMT

    There is a great deal of validity to what you say, but I think it's important to realize that even valid ideas have limitations. What if his mother had died when he was age 8? Would having her in his life still be a 'choice'? Was the terminal illness her choice?

    I think understanding the effects our actions have on our own lives is important, but I'd say interpersonal drama is more often caused by a failure to understand the circumstances of others. This does not mean sympathy is always appropriate; just that making some effort to understand is important to our own well-being.

    Often, in my experience, the dramatic (or histrionic) personality seeks to polarize everyone as "for or against"... everything is a battle, and he or she is at the center. They would rather jump to this conclusion very early on and enter 'conflict' mode than simply invest a minimal amount of thought in understanding others' viewpoints or circumstances. This also leads to problematic behaviors in romance and other areas, like seeking to [vocally] criticize the "competition" on style, appearance, etc.