Need help from a pro...someone who knows straight guys well

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2011 5:39 AM GMT
    Alrighty so I met this guy we're both in the army, and he doesn't know I am gay but the way he would look at me was way different than a normal guy would.

    We went out to a bar one night with a few friends, a few knew I was gay but most people there did not. We hit it off, like we talked the ENTIRE night it was really weird, def felt like flirting, everyone went dancing, we just stayed there and drank and chatted. girls would come to the table he wouldn't even turn his head so at this point I'm thinking alright this guy cannot be straight.

    Well my friend wanted him, and I am a realist so I am not gonna deny her fun because I'm crossing my fingers so I said go for it. They ended up going back to base and all they did was made out and dry humped I guess. Which to me...is another sign, free pussy and a straight guy didn't take it? Hmmm?

    Then today he invited me to dinner with a friend, other friend bailed so it was just us two which very well could still just be whatever.

    My theory has always been, if signs point to gay, they are probably gay. However I just don't think it's safe to go for it for fear of the repercussions because we're in the same unit and I don't want to be outed yet lol.

    Soooo how does one get to this guy without obviously hitting on him, and at the same time being able to retract any moves without any harm done.w


    Halp pleaseee

    EDIT: also this guy is like mega country, and I have never met a gay country guy, like fucking truck driving, dip spitting, no accent though (yay)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2011 12:47 PM GMT
    Be his friend. If he is closeted, then he needs friends to whom he can talk. Just be his friend and see how it turns out. It may take a while and he may never come out to you, but if you really like this guy then you would want to be there for him.

    Be a good friend to him.
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    Sep 19, 2011 1:10 PM GMT
    Well as someone with actual experience this is a pretty simple situation. There's nothing you should do besides be his friend and don't let your emotions or your dick get the better of you. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

    Honestly, you should probably just be his friend first until a sign that is unmistakeably clear presents itself to you signifying that he is the same as you. Don't assume he's closeted just because you get a vibe and hit it off pretty well or because he had an opportunity to get laid by some chick and elected to pass. That's a personal choice and we've all done it. It really means nothing. What signs would suggest he is gay and how do you figure you'd know it? Don't rely on something stereotyped.

    If he is straight then just be his friend. If he is gay then just be his friend and let him know that he's not alone. Don't assume that he'll be interested in you sexually because you're both the same. In reality, you aren't but it's nice to know that someone else is similar to you as far as situations go.

    I wish you the best.

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    Sep 19, 2011 1:11 PM GMT
    If you guys are talking a lot, try having a discussion with him about current issues. Touchy subjects like politics, abortion.. Shit like that. Somewhere in there, work in the subject of DADT. Get him talking, comfortably, about gays in the military. Most people I've used this tactic on have been open about it. Especially country dudes (and I live in Ky) won't be afraid to voice their opinion. Sometimes folks shy away from the subject, if they feel uncomfortable about it.. In that case, just try it again some other time when it can be made to seem more natural.

    This will help you clarify where he might stand, but its no substitute for him trusting you, and maybe confiding in you that he's gay. That's why the advice the other RJers are giving about just maintaining a friendship is good advice.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Sep 19, 2011 1:14 PM GMT
    Just get to know him and take your time. I came out too quickly to a guy just like you described, after our first non-date. I told him the next day and he was really freaked out about it.....although he said it was cool and that he was straight. But we haven't talked that much ever since and he always gives me these looks(at the gym, etc) that kind of look like he's mad at me or resents me.

    I think after six months or so, something would have happened between us. Like you, I was seeing all the signs, never talking about girls, etc.
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    Sep 19, 2011 1:15 PM GMT
    The above tactic that KT gave is not such a good idea because some people don't wanna touch on it because of how they might be viewed. That can easily backfire in your face.

    That's a topic that might work well for civilians but it's not such a good topic to touch upon with those in service especially with those just trying to figure things out. You leave yourself wide open if you spring such a subject too quickly on him and you might end up giving away more about yourself than what you intended to and it might freak him out.

  • petemdc

    Posts: 136

    Sep 19, 2011 1:16 PM GMT
    Good Luck Man,
    DADT ends tomorrow, maybe you can be yourself and he will too?

    Nothing wrong with having a good straight buddy, one that you can connect with and have great experiences and conversations.
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    Sep 19, 2011 1:20 PM GMT
    Alpha_Muscle saidBe his friend. If he is closeted, then he needs friends to whom he can talk. Just be his friend and see how it turns out. It may take a while and he may never come out to you, but if you really like this guy then you would want to be there for him.

    Be a good friend to him.


    This.
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    Sep 19, 2011 1:23 PM GMT
    Guy101 saidThe above tactic that KT gave is not such a good idea because some people don't wanna touch on it because of how they might be viewed. That can easily backfire in your face.

    That's a topic that might work well for civilians but it's not such a good topic to touch upon with those in service especially with those just trying to figure things out. You leave yourself wide open if you spring such a subject to quickly on him and you might end up giving away more about yourself than what you intended to and it might freak him out.



    I have an extensive amount of friends who have served/ are serving in several branches of military. That tactic could backfire if you're talking with a complete stranger, in a group of peers, maybe. But privately, with someone you've established a small amount of trust with... He'll be honest enough for you to find out how he feels about gay people. Even if he remains candid about his own sexuality. It's social science, really.
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    Sep 19, 2011 1:27 PM GMT
    KentuckyTuss said
    Guy101 saidThe above tactic that KT gave is not such a good idea because some people don't wanna touch on it because of how they might be viewed. That can easily backfire in your face.

    That's a topic that might work well for civilians but it's not such a good topic to touch upon with those in service especially with those just trying to figure things out. You leave yourself wide open if you spring such a subject to quickly on him and you might end up giving away more about yourself than what you intended to and it might freak him out.



    I have an extensive amount of friends who have served/ are serving in several branches of military. That tactic could backfire if you're talking with a complete stranger, in a group of peers, maybe. But privately, with someone you've established a small amount of trust with... He'll be honest enough for you to find out how he feels about gay people. Even if he remains candid about his own sexuality. It's social science, really.


    Well as a military brat for my entire life with an extensive amount of family and friends in every branch and then later having served in it myself for a decade I'd like to think I have a little knowledge and actual first hand experience on the situation so forgive me if I don't take you or your answer seriously and poke holes in your theory given the fact that you aren't in service and it's much easier for a civilian to be open about such a topic.

    On the contrary, it would be easier to talk to a stranger because it will have no effect on them than it would a really good friend especially when in the OP's situation since both him and the person he seems to fancy are BOTH in service or did you forget to read that part? It's not such an easy thing to do regardless of how friendly or whatever amount of trust you have. I'd like to know what experience you have besides the experience of your friends who are serving who are in a delicate situation and not you.

    People's views, depending on how strong they are, can drastically alter a friendship or a situation of any kind. In any case, as suggested above, just be his friend and nothing more until sure.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2011 1:38 PM GMT
    You want a country boy's perspective? icon_smile.gif Don't treat him any differently than you would a city boy. If he is a country boy, he is more likely to not be into games and would prefer things be out on the table, so to speak. He will most likely want things to be kept simple.

    If he is gay, his being city or country shouldn't affect how he reacts with another gay man. We look at it the same as a city boy does. However, if he is living in the country when he gets back home, he may tend to be more closeted or he may be more discreet if he isn't closeted.

    Just keep it simple. Maybe he is interested in you and is afraid to make the first move out of fear of being wrong about you or being outed. Or.... maybe he's trying to come to terms with his own sexuality and is simply, scared.

    Either way. Be his friend as others have stated. Don't play games with him and keep it simple. If you want his trust and expect to return it, be honest in dealing with him.

    Good luck.
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    Sep 19, 2011 1:44 PM GMT
    PaulNKS saidYou want a country boy's perspective? icon_smile.gif Don't treat him any differently than you would a city boy. If he is a country boy, he is more likely to not be into games and would prefer things be out on the table, so to speak. He will most likely want things to be kept simple.

    If he is gay, his being city or country shouldn't affect how he reacts with another gay man. We look at it the same as a city boy does. However, if he is living in the country when he gets back home, he may tend to be more closeted or he may be more discreet if he isn't closeted.

    Just keep it simple. Maybe he is interested in you and is afraid to make the first move out of fear of being wrong about you or being outed. Or.... maybe he's trying to come to terms with his own sexuality and is simply, scared.

    Either way. Be his friend as others have stated. Don't play games with him and keep it simple. If you want his trust and expect to return it, be honest in dealing with him.

    Good luck.


    ^^^BEST answer so far.
  • hebrewman

    Posts: 1367

    Sep 19, 2011 1:46 PM GMT
    take some time and be his friend. spend quality time together and for heavens sake, wait until DADT is lifted... then, give it a month for the us military (it was a non issue in the israeli armed forces) to digest this. then, see where this leads with the two of you. hell, i agree with some on here, there is nothing wrong with a str8 buddy that understands you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2011 1:57 PM GMT
    First of all, the accent is the best part of country boys. Secondly, the fact that he's country more or less seals the deal in terms of his gayness: he is clearly just very deep in the closet due to his upbringing.

    There's really no good way to do it with out outing yourself but my method is to go workout with the dude and then see if/how he looks at you in the showers, isn't always 100% but can work. Or if he doesn't want to shower with you then you can guess he's either straight or not interested in seeing you nekkid.

    Source: I used to have me a country boy and that's how I did it.

    EDIT: Actually the above posters offer much better advice than mine, also I was half kidding about him definitely being gay bc he's country. But, in the end its up to you man, just offering my experience. good luck!
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    Sep 19, 2011 2:00 PM GMT
    Guy101 saidWell as someone with actual experience this is a pretty simple situation. There's nothing you should do besides be his friend and don't let your emotions or your dick get the better of you. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

    Honestly, you should probably just be his friend first until a sign that is unmistakeably clear presents itself to you signifying that he is the same as you. Don't assume he's closeted just because you get a vibe and hit it off pretty well or because he had an opportunity to get laid by some chick and elected to pass. That's a personal choice and we've all done it. It really means nothing. What signs would suggest he is gay and how do you figure you'd know it? Don't rely on something stereotyped.

    If he is straight then just be his friend. If he is gay then just be his friend and let him know that he's not alone. Don't assume that he'll be interested in you in sexually because you're both the same. In reality, you aren't but it's nice to know that someone else is similar ti you as far as situations go.

    I wish you the best.



    That.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2011 3:15 PM GMT
    Find a gay guy.

    Problem solved.
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    Sep 19, 2011 3:17 PM GMT
    Guy101 said
    PaulNKS saidYou want a country boy's perspective? icon_smile.gif Don't treat him any differently than you would a city boy. If he is a country boy, he is more likely to not be into games and would prefer things be out on the table, so to speak. He will most likely want things to be kept simple.

    If he is gay, his being city or country shouldn't affect how he reacts with another gay man. We look at it the same as a city boy does. However, if he is living in the country when he gets back home, he may tend to be more closeted or he may be more discreet if he isn't closeted.

    Just keep it simple. Maybe he is interested in you and is afraid to make the first move out of fear of being wrong about you or being outed. Or.... maybe he's trying to come to terms with his own sexuality and is simply, scared.

    Either way. Be his friend as others have stated. Don't play games with him and keep it simple. If you want his trust and expect to return it, be honest in dealing with him.

    Good luck.


    ^^^BEST answer so far.


    Agreed!
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    Sep 19, 2011 3:34 PM GMT
    The last thing you want to do is blow your cover. It's obvious that you're attracted to him so why not leave it up to him to make the first move?

    I had similar situations happen to me when I was in the military, but I was more in your bud's shoes than yours. I wasn't out back then ... can't say that I really knew I was gay at the time but I did know I liked hanging out with (and often stood up for) the gay guys on base.

    Take it all in stride. Be his friend. If he is gay he'll be needing support that you're willing and able to provide. Given time and the right chemistry you two will be on each other in no time.
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    Sep 19, 2011 3:38 PM GMT
    My experience with military guys is that if they're straight, 96% of the time, they're either:

    1) Complete douchebags (which he isn't)
    2) Conservative and christian (may or may not be gay friendly)

    So I think it's a trap. However, the other guys may disagree with me because I've never been in the army or military, so I could be wrong. Keep friends with him either way.
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    Sep 19, 2011 3:41 PM GMT
    Alpha_Muscle saidBe his friend. If he is closeted, then he needs friends to whom he can talk. Just be his friend and see how it turns out. It may take a while and he may never come out to you, but if you really like this guy then you would want to be there for him.

    Be a good friend to him.



    This all the way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2011 3:57 PM GMT
    Hey man, don't make assumptions. Even if he IS closeted, that doesn't necessarily mean that a) he likes that about himself, b) he even understands it, it might be subconscious and c) that he'd be open to act on it...and then of course there is always the possibility he could just be straight! Coming on to him could be explosive, and not in a good way.

    Look, he knows you're gay, wait until he's drunk and he makes the first move. Until then you might be projecting your own emotions onto the situation. Good luck.
  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    Sep 19, 2011 3:59 PM GMT
    I'm not sure he's gay, I think you just wish he was gay. The mistake I always make is if I think a guy is hot, I will look for the slightest reason to think he's gay. He went home with a girl, there could be many other reasons why they didn't fuck.
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    Sep 19, 2011 4:19 PM GMT
    Alcohol - he may lower his wall some, reveal more of his true interest.

    Do what guys do - drink a few beers together. At his place or at a bar. But eventually get him back to his place and go inside with him to "sober-up" before going home. See where things lead in the privacy of his house. Now he may blame what he might say or do on alcohol but it opens the door a crack - especially if accepts an invitation to go drink again with you.

    Now don't make the mistake of getting so wasted yourself that you reveal or say anything you will regret later.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2011 4:30 PM GMT
    I know a lot of people in the military both gay and straight.

    Hang out and get to know him. If he's gay he will either tell or show you eventually. If not you have a good friend (but a crush to get over haha). Besides you might be able to find out through his friends or family if he is gay.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2011 4:35 PM GMT
    Well, to me, he sounds promising. At the very least, he's gay-friendly. Broach the subject of gays in the military, and ask him his opinion.
    What's the worry. DADT ends Tuesday. Tell him that you're gay, if you're not afraid of losing his friendship.