Trust / attention / privacy

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    Sep 19, 2011 7:36 PM GMT
    Long-time listener, first-time caller.

    This is also my first same-sex relationship. So I'm a little confused here, and hoped maybe y'all could help me figure a few things out.

    So on Saturday Boyfriend Of Three Fast-Paced Months had a few friends and I over for board games and a pub night. Over the course of three hours I infrequently responded to a series of twelve texts from a friend of mine. (Because I'm still new to our city this is, erm, also my only real friend at the moment.) Boyfriend, who has acknowledged his issues with trust, didn't take that well.

    He drunkenly picked a fight. He continued this for an hour and some change despite my increasingly desperate attempts to end it ("this is embarrassing" -> "this isn't productive" -> "I have a right to close, platonic friendship" -> "why don't you trust me?" -> "just tell me what you want me to say").

    Boyfriend worried my friend is interested in me. (I don't believe the guy is, and I would never act on it if he were.) Boyfriend couched his objections in a couple different ways, 'if he is interested in you, it's not fair to him to maintain the friendship,' and 'I trust you, but I can't trust him.' As far as I can tell this really means, passive-aggressively, 'interact less with the person who isn't me' and 'you do not have the capability to avoid something, or even the power to stop it.'

    We went back to his place—only because I couldn't afford an expensive cross-town cab on my own—and fell asleep. In the morning I showered, woke him, and told him we needed to talk immediately. At a diner I made it clear he has no right of veto over my other interpersonal relationships, that I am solely responsible for my behavior and interactions with others, that this was non-negotiable, and that while I would be happy to discuss my friendships I would not continue seeing him if this continued to be a serious problem. He apologized.

    We spent the day together, and it went well. But I couldn't shake it. This had been unlike any other trust argument I'd ever had. It was baseless and had immediately become accusatory and vicious. Something here was very, very wrong.

    And that's when I effed up.

    He fell asleep next to me that night while we watched something on his laptop. Sitting there awake I went back to wondering why he blew up the way he did. And I started to wonder whether maybe, just maybe, I should have cause to doubt my own full trust in him.

    Early on he'd said he liked keeping up with people on Manhunt and enjoyed "flirting" with other guys. Without asking he'd shown me, a few times, messages that he sent and received and they were all friendly. He'd talked pretty openly about his interactions there and I'd never doubted that.

    But I pulled up his MSN and, against everything I thought I believed in, started reading through a few of his most recent past conversations.

    Bad idea.

    He'd kept up and engaged in extremely sexualized conversations with former hookups, including one two days prior where they'd both jacked off to one another's pretty graphic description of one of their pre-my-relationship encounters. Boyfriend had also, in the same conversation, invited this particular guy out to join us for the night he'd blown up at me. Classy.

    In a couple others he'd initiated video chats to watch former hookups, or guys in the city he'd just started talking with, jerk off for him. He was always the one to sexualize the conversation. When reminded he had a boyfriend, he reasoned to them that this was okay so long as he didn't get naked himself, but was free to describe more or less anything. We'd never discussed any sort of rule like this. We'd discussed "flirting."

    So I woke him. I apologized for violating his privacy, which was indeed a terrible thing to do. I pointed out that he'd blown up for my maintaining a platonic friendship while he was actively seeking out sexual fulfillment from other guys, without my knowledge and having lied to me about his interactions with them.

    I slept only until the first buses were running. I told him we will talk at some point, when I am ready, and that until then we are still together but in a very, very bad place.

    But as happy as I was with him—it had been perfect, until this weekend—I can't reconcile his lack of trust and need for attention. I can't excuse him lying. And biggest of all, I can't excuse my own behavior in violating his privacy.

    So I don't know what to do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2011 7:39 PM GMT
    wow buddy, Im going to say this to you.

    Long-time listener, first-time caller.

    This is also my first same-sex relationship. So I'm a little confused here, and hoped maybe y'all could help me figure a few things out.

    So on Saturday Boyfriend Of Three Fast-Paced Months had a few friends and I over for board games and a pub night. Over the course of three hours I infrequently responded to a series of twelve texts from a friend of mine. (Because I'm still new to our city this is, erm, also my only real friend at the moment.) Boyfriend, who has acknowledged his issues with trust, didn't take that well.

    He drunkenly picked a fight. He continued this for an hour and some change despite my increasingly desperate attempts to end it ("this is embarrassing" -> "this isn't productive" -> "I have a right to close, platonic friendship" -> "why don't you trust me?" -> "just tell me what you want me to say").

    Boyfriend worried my friend is interested in me. (I don't believe the guy is, and I would never act on it if he were.) Boyfriend couched his objections in a couple different ways, 'if he is interested in you, it's not fair to him to maintain the friendship,' and 'I trust you, but I can't trust him.' As far as I can tell this really means, passive-aggressively, 'interact less with the person who isn't me' and 'you do not have the capability to avoid something, or even the power to stop it.'



    I stopped reading after this sentance, and I noticed it went on for a while. The reason why I stopped reading was because I know what the answer is. This is a HUGE red flag. He is trying to isolate you. DTMFA. I mean, yea a relationship is nice, but find someone who trusts you and lets you have friends.

    As for your friend that may or may not be interested, one of two things will happen. 1) the friend will be interested and you will reject him (if you ignored my first piece of advice)
    2) He will not be interested and you will be friends.

    So there, its not a big deal. Dump his ass though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2011 7:43 PM GMT
    Ok I kept reading, and read this:


    We went back to his place—only because I couldn't afford an expensive cross-town cab on my own—and fell asleep. In the morning I showered, woke him, and told him we needed to talk immediately. At a diner I made it clear he has no right of veto over my other interpersonal relationships, that I am solely responsible for my behavior and interactions with others, that this was non-negotiable, and that while I would be happy to discuss my friendships I would not continue seeing him if this continued to be a serious problem. He apologized.

    We spent the day together, and it went well. But I couldn't shake it. This had been unlike any other trust argument I'd ever had. It was baseless and had immediately become accusatory and vicious. Something here was very, very wrong.

    And that's when I effed up.

    He fell asleep next to me that night while we watched something on his laptop. Sitting there awake I went back to wondering why he blew up the way he did. And I started to wonder whether maybe, just maybe, I should have cause to doubt my own full trust in him.

    Early on he'd said he liked keeping up with people on Manhunt and enjoyed "flirting" with other guys. Without asking he'd shown me, a few times, messages that he sent and received and they were all friendly. He'd talked pretty openly about his interactions there and I'd never doubted that.

    But I pulled up his MSN and, against everything I thought I believed in, started reading through a few of his most recent past conversations.

    Bad idea.

    He'd kept up and engaged in extremely sexualized conversations with former hookups, including one two days prior where they'd both jacked off to one another's pretty graphic description of one of their pre-my-relationship encounters. Boyfriend had also, in the same conversation, invited this particular guy out to join us for the night he'd blown up at me. Classy.

    In a couple others he'd initiated video chats to watch former hookups, or guys in the city he'd just started talking with, jerk off for him. He was always the one to sexualize the conversation. When reminded he had a boyfriend, he reasoned to them that this was okay so long as he didn't get naked himself, but was free to describe more or less anything. We'd never discussed any sort of rule like this. We'd discussed "flirting."


    Its over, give up on it man. It is seriously done.
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    Sep 19, 2011 7:44 PM GMT

    So I don't know what to do.


    Ah lastly.

    This is what you do. Move on.

    The end.
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    Sep 19, 2011 7:51 PM GMT
    I hate to tell you man.......


    I've been you. I know exactly what you are going through.

    Cheaters blame their significant other of cheating because they are doing it and getting away with it. You know the saying....once a cheater...


    He also sounds controlling and manipulating. You HAVE to justify why your personal life is your own and that everything you do should NOT have to be justified....he will never trust you and that's because of his own actions.

    I see this as just getting uglier as the connection gets stronger. The Red Flags are Jumping out at you....You'd be best to leave instead of being played.

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    Sep 19, 2011 7:59 PM GMT
    This really sucks man. I don't know how you guys could get back from this. I mean it can happen, but regaining your trust in him might be pretty damn hard and things may never be the same. Gah it sucks when people resort to snooping, but end up being right all along. How did he act when you confronted him? What did he have to say for himself?

    You need to take your space to just think. If possible, go take a mini-vacation somewhere. Getting completely out of the situation helps me better reflect on it with a clear mind. Decide if things are worth patching up or not.
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    Sep 19, 2011 8:11 PM GMT
    KSUOWL saidThis really sucks man. I don't know how you guys could get back from this. I mean it can happen, but regaining your trust in him might be pretty damn hard and things may never be the same. Gah it sucks when people resort to snooping, but end up being right all along. How did he act when you confronted him? What did he have to say for himself?

    You need to take your space to just think. If possible, go take a mini-vacation somewhere. Getting completely out of the situation helps me better reflect on it with a clear mind. Decide if things are worth patching up or not.


    He reacted with a sort of stunned silence. He admitted that what he'd done was wrong and that he'd felt terrible afterward, and said that he hadn't told me because that would have only have made him feel better while making me feel worse.

    And you know, after writing this all out?

    I'm running, not walking, away.
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    Sep 19, 2011 8:11 PM GMT
    nnnnoah said
    KSUOWL saidThis really sucks man. I don't know how you guys could get back from this. I mean it can happen, but regaining your trust in him might be pretty damn hard and things may never be the same. Gah it sucks when people resort to snooping, but end up being right all along. How did he act when you confronted him? What did he have to say for himself?

    You need to take your space to just think. If possible, go take a mini-vacation somewhere. Getting completely out of the situation helps me better reflect on it with a clear mind. Decide if things are worth patching up or not.


    He reacted with a sort of stunned silence. He admitted that what he'd done was wrong and that he'd felt terrible afterward, and said that he hadn't told me because that would have only have made him feel better while making me feel worse.

    And you know, after writing this all out?

    I'm running, not walking, away.


    Yay, someone who listens to our advice!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2011 8:19 PM GMT
    DTMFA.

    And good on you if you do follow through on it.
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    Sep 19, 2011 8:29 PM GMT
    alphatrigger saidDTMFA.

    And good on you if you do follow through on it.


    DTMFA = Dump The MotherFucker's Ass?
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    Sep 19, 2011 8:33 PM GMT
    nnnnoah said
    KSUOWL saidThis really sucks man. I don't know how you guys could get back from this. I mean it can happen, but regaining your trust in him might be pretty damn hard and things may never be the same. Gah it sucks when people resort to snooping, but end up being right all along. How did he act when you confronted him? What did he have to say for himself?

    You need to take your space to just think. If possible, go take a mini-vacation somewhere. Getting completely out of the situation helps me better reflect on it with a clear mind. Decide if things are worth patching up or not.


    He reacted with a sort of stunned silence. He admitted that what he'd done was wrong and that he'd felt terrible afterward, and said that he hadn't told me because that would have only have made him feel better while making me feel worse.

    And you know, after writing this all out?

    I'm running, not walking, away.


    Good for you. You should NEVER have to justify your platonic friendships with your mate. If he doesn't trust you, there are always going to be deeper issues. There are good guys out there. Just keep your head up and don't settle.
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    Sep 19, 2011 8:34 PM GMT
    Tazo995 said
    alphatrigger saidDTMFA.

    And good on you if you do follow through on it.


    DTMFA = Dump The MotherFucker's Ass?


    Its dump the mother fucker allready.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2011 9:01 PM GMT
    "just tell me what you want me to say"


    Oh hell no you didn't.

    Move on Rihanna...you're way ahead on the learning curve.
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    Sep 19, 2011 9:05 PM GMT
    After you kick him to the curb send him a get well card
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    Sep 19, 2011 9:37 PM GMT
    <a href=/>runandhide.gif">
    ^^ This ^^ is what you should have done at the party!!

    In all seriousness though, he was throwing up all sorts of red flags and warning signs. What I have learned (the hard way) is that the guys that are constantly worried about someone cheating is always the one who's cheating. I think it helps them ease their conscience if they make themselves believe you are doing it too. I am glad to hear that you a done with him tho... just stand strong! Good luck!
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    Sep 19, 2011 9:40 PM GMT
    nnnnoah said
    KSUOWL saidThis really sucks man. I don't know how you guys could get back from this. I mean it can happen, but regaining your trust in him might be pretty damn hard and things may never be the same. Gah it sucks when people resort to snooping, but end up being right all along. How did he act when you confronted him? What did he have to say for himself?

    You need to take your space to just think. If possible, go take a mini-vacation somewhere. Getting completely out of the situation helps me better reflect on it with a clear mind. Decide if things are worth patching up or not.


    He reacted with a sort of stunned silence. He admitted that what he'd done was wrong and that he'd felt terrible afterward, and said that he hadn't told me because that would have only have made him feel better while making me feel worse.

    And you know, after writing this all out?

    I'm running, not walking, away.


    Good for you! icon_biggrin.gif